https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 13 May 2026 03:51:50 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/social-events-after-loss#post-2271950 Mon, 24 Aug 2015 17:33:18 +0000 Torchwood 2271950@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@noelani: Definitely agree with @jaguar, you are not at all alone. It sucks that there are so many women out there who have dealt with these things, but it's really wonderful to have people to talk to. Hope you're able to take care of yourself. Lots of hugs. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/social-events-after-loss#post-2271254 Mon, 24 Aug 2015 03:38:12 +0000 jaguar 2271254@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@noelani: *hugs* The important part is to know that you are not alone - even if it feels like no-one around you understands. xxx </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/social-events-after-loss#post-2271247 Mon, 24 Aug 2015 00:48:08 +0000 noelani 2271247@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh my goodness, thank you so much for everyone's responses! I'm still getting the hang of HB and somehow missed the notification that I had so many replies. </p> <p>Thank you for the many suggestions to skip the reception - I've been stressing so much about how to cope with the whole affair that I totally forgot that skipping the reception was an option! </p> <p>I am for sure going to skip the reception now, but I would ideally love to skip the whole thing. I just talked to DH about all of this (and used these replies as proof that my emotional reaction to having to go to this wedding is "normal" under the circumstances), and he's willing to work with me to figure out how I can skip the ceremony if that's what I really want (DH has muscular dystrophy and it's tough for him to solo wrangle our EXTREMELY active toddler). </p> <p>@winter_wonder: It's amazing how some people, even family members, don't "get it," right?!? How hard is it to express empathy towards another person, even if you haven't been directly in their shoes?!?</p> <p>@LulaBee: Your posts always resonate with me given the timing of our losses and stillbirths. It's been so frustrating that our family and social circle have NOT been very understanding - it feels like people are surprised that this is still affecting me. I'm so grateful that there are others on HB that have generously shared their stories so that I don't feel so alone. (I'm so sorry for the stress of your current situation but I'm so thankful that babe is currently staying put! Bedrest can't be easy - it's amazing how hard you're working for your little one!)</p> <p>@jaguar: I've followed your story closely and am in awe of how strong you are and how supportive you are of others. I've seen how much you'v helped other people and am very grateful to now be receiving that support myself. :heart: to you and your family, my heart is so full of love and hope for you. </p> <p>@delight: Your posts always mean a lot to me. Our termination happened a few days after my birthday and a few days before Mothers Day - the timing felt so acutely painful, but I can't imagine how difficult it was having to face Christmas obligations! I also crave the outlet of talking about our loss, but it's tough to find people IRL who are willing to be uncomfortable enough to engage in that conversation. I've tried three different counselors but haven't found a good fit, but I know counseling could help with the right person. Both of my SIL's had their babies baptized in the weeks following our loss - I didn't realize I could just not go and ended up crying throughout both services! I wish I had realized I could opt out so as not to put myself through that and to not mar their celebrations. We hadn't announced on FB and I had only told a few people at work, so now I find that acquaintances have no idea what has happened. I feel like I'm so obviously a mess right now and they don't know why! I do the same thing about thinking about what things could maybe look/feel like a year from now - I told DH tonight that I don't think I'll ever truly be "happy" again until I'm holding my rainbow baby. (I totally get the rambles and feel like my response is the same - I wanted to respond to so many points in your post bc so much of what you said struck a chord w me). </p> <p>@Torchwood: Thank you so much for reaching out - I know you've got your hands full with your BEAUTIFUL little girl! I was following the August due date board (my DD was early September) and your openness about your experiences meant SO MUCH to me as we went through our diagnosis (CPAM), rapid deterioration, and termination. I've actually thought about walling you to ask how you got through all of the pain of your experiences and the natural stress/uncertainties related to your most recent pregnancy - my doctor told us we should wait for 6 months before TTC but I'm already extremely anxious about the process. Your story gives me hope :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/social-events-after-loss#post-2270891 Sun, 23 Aug 2015 13:09:31 +0000 Torchwood 2270891@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry for your loss. I had two miscarriages followed by a 33 week loss, and I just did what was best for me and to hell with everyone else. I had a cousin due the same month as each of my miscarriages would have been, and I avoided them a lot. And then another cousin had an "I didn't know I was pregnant" baby (baby was born 4 weeks after she found out) halfway through the pregnancy I lost later. That baby is now 18 months and I've seen her I think twice. I just couldn't deal with it and I didn't feel obligated to force myself. If there's any way you can have someone else take your son to the wedding I would, and if not I would agree that it would be much better to skip the reception if possible. Worst case I'd focus on your LO and basically avoid anyone that I wasn't up for talking with. Sometimes it's okay to be a little rude to take care of yourself. </p> <p>If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to wall me. It's so hard, but I promise it does get better. I'm holding my rainbow baby right now, and she really is worth it all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/social-events-after-loss#post-2270684 Sun, 23 Aug 2015 06:59:03 +0000 delight 2270684@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@noelani: I'm sorry again for your loss, as you know I've been in your shoes. Our TFMR was December 19th and we had days and days of Christmas social events lined up. It was brutal and I stayed in bed for most. I made myself do Christmas Eve and Christmas activities but only for the sake of my DD since she is a toddler and it did brighten my spirits to see her so excited. I had invitations for baby showers in the last few months and I couldn't bring myself to go. My friends understood. I think you need to do whatever you need to do to get through. I personally find talking about our loss with people helpful, and while I often cry while talking about it, it's better for me than keeping it bottled up. I find the majority of people have understood. I avoided seeing my SIL and brother for three months after their baby was born because we had the same due date. They understood why I was avoiding and when I finally met my niece I was glad to have had a few months to prepare. The worst for me is that I had announced the pregnancy on FB but didn't "announce" our loss. So I'll randomly meet people at the park or out and about and they'll ask me where the new baby is. Ugh. I'm still walking in your shoes and I still avoid things and I still hate hearing about my friends' pregnancies and being around pregnant friends. I'm happy for them but gutted for us. I think it's normal. I see a counsellor and it has been helpful. Do what you need to do and no one will judge. I know you have to go to the wedding so focus on your DS and drink some wine. Don't be afraid o skip other things and talk to people about the reason why if you need to. I try to focus on the fact that maybe a year from now I'll be pregnant or holding my rainbow baby and this won't all seem so hard. Sorry for the rambles mama. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/social-events-after-loss#post-2270637 Sun, 23 Aug 2015 01:43:54 +0000 jaguar 2270637@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry. I tended to hibernate a bit after our loss &amp; so missed a few social events.. it was just too hard. I say just take it one minute at a time, and if it gets too much, make sure you have an 'out' so to speak. Big hugs to you, it's hard work. x </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/social-events-after-loss#post-2270333 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 10:07:42 +0000 LulaBee 2270333@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So incredibly sorry for your loss. I had a 23 week loss right before Thanksgiving last year. I would go to social/family events but just leave when I wanted to, sit by myself. People were good about understanding/giving me space, and focusing on DD helped as well. You don't have to fake anything, you have a right to your grief and just do what you can. Perfectly fine to avoid any pregnant women, too. And if you have to stay home to take care of yourself, do that. No one understands what you are going through, and no one has a right to judge. HUGS. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/social-events-after-loss#post-2270274 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 07:12:35 +0000 BandDmommy 2270274@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@noelani: I'm so very sorry for your loss. What a tough situation. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'd concentrate on LO, that can be a full time job. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/social-events-after-loss#post-2270270 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 06:54:54 +0000 travelgirl1 2270270@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so very sorry for your loss. I think I would just attend the ceremony and skip the reception. I'm sure the bride and groom will understand. I think you have to put yourself and your feelings first. If you do go to the reception, alcohol (if it doesn't make you feel sadder) and take a few breaks outside to regroup if you feel yourself struggling. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/social-events-after-loss#post-2270269 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 06:46:21 +0000 Foodnerd81 2270269@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I haven't been in your situation, but in general when I'm at a social event with also, I end up spending a lot of the night with her and chasing her, feeding her, etc. So I think that would get you out of a lot and I feel less awkward sitting with and doing something quiet than just trying to find a quiet spot to sit alone for a minute when I need a break. And you certainly can leave early and use lo as an excuse (oh sure he looks happy now but I know he will have a meltdown after X time, bye!) </p> <p>Good luck. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/social-events-after-loss#post-2270242 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 05:19:02 +0000 Nutella 2270242@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Skipping the reception is a good idea, if it's not too late to RSVP for the ceremony only?</p> <p>Otherwise use it as an excuse to get your hair done up and make use of the drinks provided :grin:</p> <p>I had to go to a social occasion the day after I found out about an early miscarriage (not the same) and was feeling rotten about it, but it was actually ok to see people and eat some cake. I did make no effort on the small talk, I was busy chasing LO...so that may apply to you too?!</p> <p>Hope you find something that works. Xx </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/social-events-after-loss#post-2270207 Fri, 21 Aug 2015 23:26:31 +0000 winter_wonder 2270207@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is tough :sad: I'm so sorry. Although it's not popular, I'm a big believer in doing what you want to do. I think some people view that as selfish but who cares?</p> <p>Is there any way your dh could attend himself with ds? Or could grandparents take ds just for the ceremony?</p> <p>Although I haven't dealt with a loss, I definitely allowed myself to skip events when I was dealing with IF and certain family members just didn't get it (being extremely insensitive like you said).</p> <p>If you absolutely have to go, I would personally just attend the ceremony and not reception. By only attending the ceremony I think you would miss out on the small talk, interactons that you aren't looking forward to. </p> <p>Good luck with whatever you decide :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/social-events-after-loss#post-2270204 Fri, 21 Aug 2015 22:54:30 +0000 simplyfelicity 2270204@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so, so sorry for your loss.<br /> As far as the wedding, my first thought was alcohol. I would just focus on being the mom of the ring bearer, eat tons of cake and drink lots of wine. Do you have a close friend who can "rescue" you from any rude people? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/social-events-after-loss#post-2270192 Fri, 21 Aug 2015 22:36:00 +0000 noelani 2270192@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Anyone have any suggestions for surviving large social events after a loss?</p> <p>We experienced a later loss several months ago (23 weeks, TFMR) and I am still having a tough time. My coping mechanism has been to withdraw from social obligations - I've always been fairly introverted and I feel most comfortable right now being by myself (without the pressure of having to put on a happy face for others). </p> <p>We have a family wedding coming up, and I'm DREADING it. It will be big and loud, at least 300 people. To make things more painful, we recently found out DH's closest childhood friend's wife is pregnant with their second, and that news was shared with us in a *really* insensitive way. </p> <p>DS is a ring bearer so I have to go, otherwise I would send my regrets. I'm dreading having to fake it around so many people, and I'm really dreading interacting with the couple who is expecting (I know that's not fair, but neither is loss, right?). </p> <p>Other than taking FULL advantage of the open bar, how to do I make it through?!?! </p>