https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 11 Apr 2026 08:34:02 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2905465 Wed, 11 Dec 2019 16:41:40 +0000 gotkimchi 2905465@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Hypatia: hope you’re doing well op. This stuff is so tough </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2905095 Mon, 09 Dec 2019 12:13:55 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2905095@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@muffinsmuffins: This is the case in our house too. We hit a breaking point a few years ago because even though in theory we were dividing equally, it fell on me to assign everything and he did it and I just couldn't anymore and to his credit, DH stepped up. And it took some time in therapy and proactively talking about what needs to get done and how we will divide and conquer for us to get there. The more he was doing things on his own, the more he learned to anticipate (ie, I always packed our daughter's snacks/lunches the night before to make it easier in the morning, something that didn't occur to him until he took over morning duty and realized how much faster it is to prep the night before and now he just does it). I also do things to help on the mental front (ie, the trash pickup days are listed on a central board so he remembers when to take it out in the morning). </p> <p>OP - the thing is, though, I agree with @erinbaderin, the way you describe his reactions to things are not him doing his best. Disappearing for an hour is not OK. Not being able to take both kids to the park is not OK. Being on his phone instead of paying attention to the kids is not OK. If therapy is an option for you guys, I'd really recommend it because it will hopefully help him see that his behavior is not even basically acceptable, much less an actual effort. If that's not an option, I'd sit down and talk to him about all the things that need to happen that he needs to start owning. Make a list with your column and his, write it all out in advance, show him how disparate things are and hopefully a visual will push him forward. Lots of love to you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2905094 Mon, 09 Dec 2019 12:13:35 +0000 periwinklebee 2905094@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LCTBQE: Yes to the self-expectation of mom performing in overdrive every single hour! Ugh</p> <p>@graceandjoy: Yes to this, when the relationship gets neglected, misunderstandings about sharing childcare get worse as well. It's just so hard to find time for it, on top of everything else - and when the childcare burden is unequal, it makes it even harder! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2905059 Mon, 09 Dec 2019 10:17:47 +0000 graceandjoy 2905059@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can definitely relate to this and I KNOW for sure you are not alone in this :heart: I def struggle with resentment, but after a lot of fights/talking with DH, I know it's mostly just different perspective &amp; communication breakdown a lot of times. I think you have to make sure your foundation is still good; that you love each other, you're a team, your'e in this together, and THEN tackle the issues. Like really evaluate on both sides whether you're being fair to the other person, whether you have realistic expectations of each other, and whether you're giving each other encouragement/grace as you make it through each day. </p> <p>I know at times I tend to just notice his mistakes and shortcomings, and don't appreciate what he does, and that makes him feel bad and we get into a cycle. Or I'm usually just so oriented in getting things done and I tend to neglect his feelings. And for me, I think all I want him to know is how much I take on physically/mentally and I just need him to acknowledge that. </p> <p>As part of my "work" alongside DH doing un-official marriage counseling for a lot of couples, I've read a ton of marriage books (disclaimer tho, a lot of them faith based), I can def recommend some if you're interested! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2905058 Mon, 09 Dec 2019 10:13:38 +0000 jennlin821 2905058@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Go away for a three day weekend. Don't prepare anything, don't make lists, but do set expectations for whatever you normally do on the weekend, such as prep work for the week.<br /> -Kids should be alive and well<br /> -House should be picked up<br /> -Doshes should be done<br /> -Laundry should be done<br /> etc. </p> <p>Three days is just enough time for you to have two full nights sleep (and sleep in!) and enough time for him to make a mistake, fail and then fix it. </p> <p>Throw him in the deep end and don't look back. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2905052 Mon, 09 Dec 2019 09:55:03 +0000 LCTBQE 2905052@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetCaroline: omg, the what to pack for snacks, what to feed them, what to get for presents, what outfit to put them in, etc etc etc.. the full ownership is a great solution, though, I first heard about it on HB and it has been a godsend. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2905049 Mon, 09 Dec 2019 09:53:47 +0000 LCTBQE 2905049@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ms.Mermaid: I think I'm finally going to order this book, several others on here have recommended it too. </p> <p> My husband is a GREAT dad, he's really fantastic with the kids and I trust him completely, which I am grateful for every day. But, if it's his perception that he's done even 51% of the "work" on any given day, or that I've gotten more breaks, or that I'm choosing the "easy" parenting tasks and leaving the more involved/tedious ones (mealtime, anyone?) to him, even a little: he'll seethe and stew and then explode over whatever invented bullshit he can find. </p> <p>@Ms.Mermaid: @periwinklebee: really great observations about our gender societal norms. It's infuriating. I constantly have to try and stop myself from feeling guilty for not mom-performing on overdrive fucking every single hour, and I think a lot of people can relate to that (or they just straight-up perform, or they drown in guilt). AND I have to constantly defend myself if I dare to ask my husband to do more than his half (even if I habitually do more). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2905044 Mon, 09 Dec 2019 09:38:41 +0000 periwinklebee 2905044@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry, I definitely understand the feeling... </p> <p>It seems like the solution depends a bit on the underlying cause, which from other threads like this seems to fall into one of the following categories (or some combination): </p> <p>1. He's not a confident parent because he hasn't been forced to do it on his own. Easiest to fix, make him solo parent, and he'll learn he can do it. </p> <p>2. He's overwhelmed or depressed or obsessed by his job, and it's leading him to always be on his phone/not present at home. If so, is it permanent or temporary? If the former, are there options to start looking for something that's better for family/mental health? </p> <p>3. Parenting is hard, and he'd just rather you take the lion's share of responsibility. The first step is to make him understand why this is unfair to you and unsustainable. A good couple's therapist can help with communication, but if that's not possible, just keep trying to be super explicit about what is required from him to more fairly share the load. </p> <p>@Ms.Mermaid: "Men are raised to expect to be able to meet their needs." So true. Another thing that's struck me recently is that there is a huge amount of evidence that men are overwhelmingly overconfident in their abilities and performance - across a wide variety of domains - whereas women are overwhelmingly underconfident. I think this is true in balancing parenting and the housework as well. My husband can be absolutely convinced that he's done so much - and that it will just never be enough for me to be happy because I'm being unreasonable - but the reality is that it's still way less than half. But it can be hard to make him see that.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2904974 Sun, 08 Dec 2019 11:39:09 +0000 erinbaderin 2904974@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So the thing is that I don’t care if he thinks he’s giving his best, saying he can’t take both his children at the same time or is unable to do their hair cannot be his best. It just can’t. He is a grown man. That’s not acceptable.</p> <p>I guess this isn’t helpful, and I’m sorry, but....no. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2904951 Sat, 07 Dec 2019 21:36:05 +0000 Ms.Mermaid 2904951@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I highly recommend the book How Not To Hate Your Husband After Having Kids. She deals with a lot of similar issues and talks about how to navigate them and getting her partner to step up more. </p> <p>I also highly recommend my personal approach, which is to strive to be the World’s Greatest Dad. I came up with this when my oldest was born and I realized I was resenting my husband for not offering to take the baby so I could go to the bathroom. I realized he did not wait for me to take her so he could go to the bathroom, he just expected to be able to go to the bathroom and did it. Men are raised to expect to be able to meet their needs. And when women start to expect to be able to also meet their needs, instead of waiting for men to offer, or to feel like they need to get permission to meet their needs, it helps a lot with evening out these dynamics. You are allowed to expect your spouse to be able to take both children to the park without whining. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2904945 Sat, 07 Dec 2019 18:33:01 +0000 SweetCaroline 2904945@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This sounds rough, I hope you can find some advice that resonates with you.</p> <p>Our situation is much different, we have no issues with physical responsibilities. DH is very much a hands on parent and is as capable and active if not more so than me. </p> <p>However, 95% of the mental load falls to me. For example, DH is happy to prep snacks for school and pack her bag but he would constantly ask me what to pack. He'd list off everything in her bag until my brain was numb and he'd ask if he forgot anything (I'm a visual person to boot!). So...this year I made a two sided laminated sheet. One side shows options to pack for her snacks and the other shows what to pack in her backpack, including special stuff based on schedule (so, Monday library book goes back, Thurs is soccer, Fri is show and tell). He has full ownership of packing both of these things. I still own the mental load of packing paper products for the school party, etc. This has been a HUGE help and he is thrilled to have a checklist and be helpful in this way. I wonder if you could so something similar with your DH, especially with tasks like this where he's not interacting with the kids.</p> <p>Good luck mama :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2904939 Sat, 07 Dec 2019 14:30:47 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2904939@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Admittedly I do not have this problem. But how it works for us is to literally do everything 50/50. We alternate bath nights, we alternate putting each kid to bed, we alternate who gets up with the baby in the night or early morning and we each get one day per weekend to sleep in. I do all the cooking and shopping so DW looks after the boys while I do those things. She cleans up after we eat. I drop the boys off, she picks up. It took me a while to feel confident with bringing both of them somewhere but the only way I learned was to do it. Can you sit down and say, this is not working for me. We need to make a list of every task that needs getting done and divvy it up. That you need some time to yourself too and that he has to suck it up. You can still split up alone time/kid free time but it has to be equal. It sounds ridiculous when I say we are literally 50/50 but I never feel resentment towards my wife for this kind of stuff because of it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2904936 Sat, 07 Dec 2019 13:37:19 +0000 Kemma 2904936@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Champagne: I can relate to almost of this! I’ve done almost every single night waking for over seven years, I’ve spent what is literally thousands of hours sitting in the dark feeding babies while DH has been sitting in his comfy chair watching TV and i make almost all the decisions for our family - motherhood is a tough and thankless gig.</p> <p>I just want to check out for one day. I want DH to take the children out and leave the house for at least eight hours and I want “permission” to sit on my arse and do nothing but eat tasty food without sharing and watch trashy tv or read trashy books. I want someone to look after me for a change.</p> <p>OP - can you sit down and designate some activities/ chores that your husband is in charge of? Even something simple like packing school bags or folding laundry or cooking dinner at some point during the week. Then you know that it’s his responsibility and not your problem to sort and it might only be a small step but it might help life feel more balanced for you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2904927 Sat, 07 Dec 2019 10:36:44 +0000 ElbieKay 2904927@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This sounds to me like a flavor of the mental load.</p> <p>I address with some success, though not complete success, by simply assigning ownership to my husband. Not instructing him to do it, but instructing him to own it</p> <p> For instance once our twins were born I assigned him to make our preschooler’s lunch every day. There have been mornings when he was running late for work and wanted to skip it and let our son eat school lunch. (Son loves school lunch but I am skeptical of the quality and only permit it once per week.). So I held my husband accountable to figure out how to make lunch and balance it with his work demands.</p> <p>The key is that I did not step in and solve the problem for him. I pushed him to solve it himself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2904926 Sat, 07 Dec 2019 10:22:50 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 2904926@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>A lot falls to me because I stay home. It’s getting to me. Little things. Like DH called in sick (he has a very demanding job and this is very rare for him) and then he slept in. A lot. I was very upset and he still doesn’t get why. I didn’t even fucking sleep in after two miscarriages or after any kid (we have three). Because I suck it up. He wanted to sleep in today too because he was on call this week for work and had to get up in the night once a night for a work call. I almost killed him. I’ve been getting up every single night many times for... 6 years?? I mean he helps but he doesn’t get it at all and I’m really miserable about it. He thinks I have it easy because I stay home. I think he has it easy because I do everything. Not sure how to get him to just acknowledge that what I’m doing is hard. I seriously think it would make all the difference in the world if he just said holy shit you do a lot and it’s hard. Thanks. </p> <p>Maybe one day if I don’t stab him first. I swear I so love him but I’m pissed today. 🥴 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2904925 Sat, 07 Dec 2019 10:14:30 +0000 Becky 2904925@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Let me preface by saying my situation is very different in that my DH is a very involved parent, and I can leave on a work trip and know he has everything under control. He works a TON, but he is still able to do this. I definitely do more of the childcare since my job is less demanding, but it is huge to know that he can completely manage on his own (maybe the girls’ hair won’t look beautiful, but it will be brushed).</p> <p>A few months ago I hit a personal breaking point where a lifetime of anxiety finally, and newly introduced depression, finally caught up to me. We ended up in marriage counseling and it was SO helpful. I had been really stressed out about having to coordinate childcare for all of the random school days DD has off, and felt like I had to do it all on my own, and it had paralyzed me. Just having a third party there to help us talk through it was really all we needed. It became clear that I was putting this burden on myself. DH was just like “Why didn’t you just ask if we could go over all the days together?” It was that easy. Have you considered counseling? Again, you’re coming from a very different place than me and my DH, but it might be helpful to have a professional help you work through it, to help both of you express how you feel, and to develop a plan for moving forward. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2904923 Sat, 07 Dec 2019 09:17:20 +0000 cake2017 2904923@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just want to say I can relate to your post. </p> <p>I think it can be a lot for DH and also that he is stressed on another level with work at times. He’s definitely stepped up with LO1. I communicated to him that we are both their parents and I need help too, I need a break too etc. It definitely changed when he helped with taking him to school. I think I did a post about it but I just let him get into his own routine with him - he was 100% in charge. The only thing I did was made the lunches so he can grab them.</p> <p>The hair- I would show him or they just wear it down with him. </p> <p>I would talk about quiet time with you two. Maybe he gets an hour on Sat morning and you get it on Sunday for an example? </p> <p>I would communicate to help in a loving way and just hope he listens.</p> <p>I would also spend time with just you two and not the kids. He may be burnt out and just want some time alone and with his wife. </p> <p>I found that to be very helpful when we took more time for ourselves in this season. </p> <p>Overall- communicating and letting small things go </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2904922 Sat, 07 Dec 2019 08:44:04 +0000 gotkimchi 2904922@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>They only thing that fixed this for us was not giving in to the dumb demands and putting more on him. For example, I work weekends and I used to get the kids dressed before I left, pack a diaper bag, etc. I just stopped doing that. He's an adult and can handle all of that. And then when he called me at work to complain I stopped feeling responsible for him. Those calls used to make me panic. So I stopped taking emotional and physical responsibility for him. If he has the kids he has them 100% and if he's having a tough day i empathize, but it's not my fault or problem. I think shifting my attitude and stopping doing stuff forced him to take on more responsibility and therefore realize he can do it. I have a friend who stays home with 2 kids and the minute her husband walks in the door she says I'm going to the store and just leaves. Things like that. You don't need to ask permission for time away and he doesn't need help managing 2 kids </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sos-best-isnt-good-enough#post-2904921 Sat, 07 Dec 2019 08:02:07 +0000 Hypatia 2904921@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know the title sounds bad. We both feel like we are giving 110%, but the reality is that I’m doing most of the work. </p> <p>He thinks he’s giving it all he can. But he doesn’t realize that he is actually doing the bare minimum and his “best” is making me feel overworked and isolated, like we aren’t really in this thing together. Things like, “I can’t take both girls to the park by myself, it’s too much. I can only take one.” Or “I can’t do the girls’ hair, it’s too hard.” Or the other day when we were supposed to go Christmas shopping as a family, but he asked for five minutes in the car before joining us. Sure! Everyone needs a break sometimes...He didn’t come in until I called him over an hour later, just before we checked out. </p> <p>It came to a head last night when I needed him to be on his game and instead, he was on his phone (again). We were waiting in line to see Santa. I said, “DD 2 is getting impatient, I really need some help.” His response was to grab the hood of her jacket and yank her back into line, which caused a huge meltdown. “I didn’t mean that kind of help,” I snapped at him. “Don’t ask for help and then criticize me.” The evening only went downhill from there. It was bad. </p> <p>The thing is, I know he feels terribly stressed out. I know he feels like he is doing his best. But I’m stressed out, too. And I’m tired of seeing other fathers I know shouldering more responsibility. But you can’t just say that to someone. They’ll think you’re being narcissistic (“You think YOU do everything?”) or that you’re being too harsh and unloving. We both feel used up and tapped out, so going to him with this problem seems pointless. But obviously something about our dynamic needs to change. I don’t know. Has anyone successfully navigated this issue before? </p>