https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 22 May 2026 18:11:03 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-has-your-relationship-quality-declined-over-time#post-36991 Mon, 19 Dec 2011 11:55:52 +0000 mrs. wagon 36991@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just wanted to note that Rob Sr. and I lived together for 2 years before marriage (shh, don't tell our parents! ;) and I think our toughest times so far for our relationship have been after marriage, year 3 and year 5. Of course those little squabbles about housekeeping and stuff come up, but that's just married life. :) Most of the major arguments have been about family, and a few about money (but not really... it's mostly that when we're struggling about money, it makes everything more tense and arguments blow up more easily). Even though we lived together for a while before marriage, none of our arguments were seriously major until after several years of marriage. We get along so well and are definitely best friends, so big issues didn't really come up until things like family and priorities came up.</p> <p>I worry about year 7 coming up, but like everything, I think if you prepare yourselves for what's to come and calmly discuss things you're afraid of, getting through those inevitable tough patches is possible. Lots of people have told me to not mention or discuss divorce. We find that in some moments, discussing it and what we're afraid of actually helps. </p> <p>Is there no one else past year 4 of marriage??? haha. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-has-your-relationship-quality-declined-over-time#post-36970 Mon, 19 Dec 2011 11:37:49 +0000 babyz 36970@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Well, we dated 8 yrs (lived together for 2) before tying the knot. We have certainly gone through dips in our relationship both dating &amp; in our marriage, but we've worked through it and at year 5 it's the best it's been thus far... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-has-your-relationship-quality-declined-over-time#post-36964 Mon, 19 Dec 2011 11:29:12 +0000 carrieknitscake 36964@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We've been together for 7 years, married a little over 2 of them. We've had a few rough patches over the years. I think since getting married, our relationship has become stronger than before. For the longest time, it felt like we had to defend our relationship from some negative outside forces who happen to be family and friends. </p> <p>Once we got engaged, we declared our commitment to each other and made it clear that this was the real deal. Since then, we've learned to vacation for ourselves and focus on us. Marriage really brought focus to our relationship. At times, we're boring and homebodies, but the quality's never been better. We quieted the family and friends who didn't take us seriously or who openly campaigned for us to break up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-has-your-relationship-quality-declined-over-time#post-36959 Mon, 19 Dec 2011 11:20:17 +0000 mediagirl 36959@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have been together for 8 1/2 years and married for one. We hit our rough patch at around 4 years together and we got through it. It took some time but we both wanted to stay together, so we made it work. We have been living together, off and on at the beginning, since 1 year together so we have had time to get used to each other's habits.</p> <p>I think our relationship quality has actually increased in the time we have been together. Since we have been married, it has even gotten better. Nothing has changed except we both have rings on our fingers. We have both worked on trying to please the other while making sure we're still our own person. I don't think we'll be in that statistic at 4 years because we were together and living together for so long before marriage. I'm sure things will change with a baby but we will continue to work on making our relationship better over time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-has-your-relationship-quality-declined-over-time#post-36953 Mon, 19 Dec 2011 11:15:08 +0000 Modern Daisy 36953@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wonder what it's like for people who lived together for a while before getting married.. does it happen earlier into the marriage? I've been married to DH for 1.5 years and there has been no decline quite yet. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-has-your-relationship-quality-declined-over-time#post-36948 Mon, 19 Dec 2011 11:09:23 +0000 BananaPancakes 36948@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Only been married for 3 years, but have been together for 10. Year #2 was the most difficult and it hasn't really felt like much work since.<br /> That said, once we reached adulthood (we started dating in HS), things did change. You go from not having any cares in the world besides going to class and being with each other to suddenly managing a household and full-time job. But I definitely can say that there was not a decline in happiness in our relationship, just a small decline with the responsibility of being adults.<br /> We'll see how we do with a baby in the mix. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-has-your-relationship-quality-declined-over-time#post-36853 Mon, 19 Dec 2011 09:37:07 +0000 yoursilverlining 36853@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We’ve only been married for 1.5 years (but together for 5.5), but our relationship definitely has not deteriorated over time. I think part of the reason is there were no rose colored glasses worn when we got married. We got married because we wanted to, not because we needed to for any reason. Like Miss.Adia said, we lived together before marriage for several years, so we went into marriage knowing exactly what the others’ personal habits are, and obviously being ok with those. We also had each dated seriously before, living with other partners – so there was no false expectation about what “living together” means. We didn’t get married thinking “gee, X annoys me, but I’m sure he’ll change after we’re married”, because people don’t just change. </p> <p>Our relationship has evolved over the years, but we really are best friends, as well as in love, which I think is really important. I like my husband immensely, besides loving him. We’re both committed to keeping our relationship at the forefront and not losing it to becoming just “parents” together. I think that’s important too - to keep maintaining and working on your marriage, not just your new role as parents. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-has-your-relationship-quality-declined-over-time#post-36845 Mon, 19 Dec 2011 09:21:50 +0000 heffalump 36845@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We've been married two years so we're still in the rose colored glasses phase.</p> <p>We had a pretty tough first year so I have faith that we can get through anything. My husband had to have a colostomy and I had a miscarriage. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-has-your-relationship-quality-declined-over-time#post-36841 Mon, 19 Dec 2011 09:14:41 +0000 winniebee 36841@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have been together for 10.5 years (married for 2.2). Around the 6 year mark we had some real growing pains and even considered separating. It was rough, but we knew that our relationship was worth fighting for. A year and a half later, we were engaged.</p> <p>I would say that the quality of our relationship has actually improved over time. It is certainly different, though. Like @skibobrown said, there's less "passion" than there was 10 years ago but there's a deeper love, commitment to each other, and team approach to life. We're best friends. We'll see how we do with a baby in the mix! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-has-your-relationship-quality-declined-over-time#post-36498 Sun, 18 Dec 2011 15:37:13 +0000 skibobrown 36498@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hmm... we've only been married for a year, but we've been together for 6. So far I would say our relationship has definitely changed and evolved over the years, but I wouldn't say the quality has declined. We spend our time together in different ways now than we used to. There's definitely less passion, but we're more of a team. We're better now than ever at understanding each other's perspective on things. </p> <p>From the outside some people might think that our relationship quality has declined, but I would prefer to say it has matured. The main thing we do to help retain the quality of our relationship is to constantly try new things together -- a new hike, a weekend trip, or even just a new restaurant. By not letting things get dull I think we're doing a pretty good job of maintaining the "spark" in our relationship. We'll see how this progresses over the next few years though, especially with a baby entering the picture. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-has-your-relationship-quality-declined-over-time#post-36468 Sun, 18 Dec 2011 14:42:46 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 36468@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When I was taking a family psych class we studied divorce and my professor showed us a graph. The rate was pretty low for years one and two and then rose a bit for year three. It went back down for years four and five and then on year six it started to climb. It peaked at year nine and then declined sharply with another small peak around year 20. I told my husband that if we can make it through the first nine years we can make it through anything. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-has-your-relationship-quality-declined-over-time#post-36456 Sun, 18 Dec 2011 14:34:02 +0000 mrs. wagon 36456@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>aw thanks Mr. Bee! I didn't even see this post til now ;) </p> <p>I think this is the article I originally read about the seven year itch:<br /> <a href="http://articles.boston.com/2011-07-29/lifestyle/29830121_1_divorce-rate-national-marriage-project-first-marriages" rel="nofollow">http://articles.boston.com/2011-07-29/lifestyle/29830121_1_divorce-rate-national-marriage-project-first-marriages</a></p> <p>I've talked to a lot of people about this and they mention that around years 6 and 7, usually couples are on to their second child and the craziness of life and raising multiple children makes it difficult to maintain your relationship with your spouse-- you become teammates rather than lovers. I'm seeing this happen with the parents of our generation as well-- they held on for a long time for their kids and to maintain the stable family environment, but once the kids leave home, they look at each other and realize they haven't actively loved each other in years, they've just been working well together to raise the kids right. </p> <p>The divorces have started around us and it really scares me. I'm not usually one to force myself to do things I don't feel like doing, but we make a strong effort to continue date nights and maintain our intimacy :) Even if it feels forced at the time, the outcome is always the best-- we end up feeling closer again.</p> <p>Marriage is hard work!! ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-has-your-relationship-quality-declined-over-time#post-36416 Sun, 18 Dec 2011 13:42:24 +0000 Miss Adia 36416@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think those things (drink from milk carton, forgetting to take out the trash, etc.) affect couples who didn't live together before marriage. We are getting married in September and have been living together since June 2010. I know that sometimes DH leaves his socks on the floor. I use to get mad about it, but every minute that I spend being pissed at him takes away 60 seconds that I could have been happy with him. So I choose my battles. The world isn't going to end if his socks on the floor and 9/10 now when he sees me going for them, he gets up and grabs them before I even get to.<br /> I think some marriages decline because they take each other for granted maybe? Men stop being romantic because they already got the girl and women stop dressing up because well...why shave anything when you don't have anyone to impress?<br /> I think couples should make an attempt to be in dating mode once in a while. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-has-your-relationship-quality-declined-over-time#post-36412 Sun, 18 Dec 2011 13:35:56 +0000 Boogs 36412@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We didn't have that decline after we hit the 7 year mark of being together, I guess we'll see if we do after 7 years of marriage. We have been married for a little over 3 years, so we'll see what happens after the 4th year. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-has-your-relationship-quality-declined-over-time#post-36349 Sun, 18 Dec 2011 12:09:15 +0000 Rosie Girl 36349@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have seen DH do those things, like drink from the milk carton, and I still love him the same! I don't think there is so much a decline, but rather a comfort. You know the person so well inside and out. You aren't on that "high" of newlywed-ness, and maybe no longer make a point to always hold hands, or kiss before you leave. I would call it comfort, not decline. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-has-your-relationship-quality-declined-over-time#post-36322 Sun, 18 Dec 2011 11:33:29 +0000 chopsuey 36322@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Been married only 2 years so no decline yet! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-has-your-relationship-quality-declined-over-time#post-36252 Sun, 18 Dec 2011 09:06:45 +0000 mrbee 36252@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Tina mentioned that she's coming up on seven years of marriage... congrats Tina and Mr. Tina!</p> <p>She indirectly referenced to that old saying about the "seven year itch", so I did some Googling to see if it's true or not:</p> <p>"Wright State University psychology professor Lawrence Kurdek, Ph.D., confirms that our lexicon is accurate. His surveys of over 500 couples have revealed that most married couples experience a gradual but steady decline in marital quality over the four-year period after they tie the knot. Newlyweds tend to wear rose-colored glasses at first, says Kurdek, but reality kicks in after they see their partner drink from the milk carton or forget to take out the trash one too many times. Though happiness stabilizes after four years, it declines again around year seven. This dip is harder to explain, Kurdek says, but may stem from the tendency to reexamine life as time goes on."</p> <p><a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200001/the-ties-unbind" rel="nofollow">http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200001/the-ties-unbind</a></p> <p>Has anyone experienced any of the above? </p>