Hellobee Boards Topic: Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?

Hellobee Boards Topic: Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse? https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 02 May 2026 19:11:00 +0000 MH.Abroad on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-70720 Thu, 09 Feb 2012 07:59:40 +0000 MH.Abroad 70720@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I personally don't think we will be spanking our children AT ALL, but I don't think that all spanking is abuse. A swat with a hand or a little switch on the butt may not be the healthiest for your child's psychological development, but it's not abuse. If it leaves a mark, you've gone too far. If you draw blood, you probably belong in jail. cyneswith on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-70644 Wed, 08 Feb 2012 20:43:14 +0000 cyneswith 70644@https://boards.hellobee.com/ Most of the lines you mentioned, though I think hands/wrists are OK for a quick swat under certain circumstances. Also, wrist action only. My spankings were all roughly on par with swatting a mosquito, which is how I want to treat my kids too. ETA: Also agree with a previous poster - this is only up to a certain age. Maybe as old as 8, but I doubt it. Past that, groundings and creative consequences are typically more effective. PennyLainne on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-70619 Wed, 08 Feb 2012 19:19:15 +0000 PennyLainne 70619@https://boards.hellobee.com/ Spanking was always the last resort when I was growing up. When everything else wasn't working, like time out, we would get the do you want a spanking threat. And then if we still didn't smarten up they would follow through. I plan on using that technique. I think it was a good system and we rarely got spanked, usually the threat was enough. cupcakemama on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-70602 Wed, 08 Feb 2012 18:57:51 +0000 cupcakemama 70602@https://boards.hellobee.com/ We weren't really spanked at all as kids. Not that my parents didn't believe in it more that we were fairly good kids. We will spank LO where necessary. Think running into street, touching the oven etc. It will not be with an object. For me that is a line I do not wish to cross. It will also be for a fairly limited time - toddler to school age I would think. Older than that and we can discipline in other ways. littlebug on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-70593 Wed, 08 Feb 2012 18:45:40 +0000 littlebug 70593@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I was probably spanked 3 times ever in my life. My parents simply taught us right behavior. If we misbehaved, we were told about it. If we continued to misbehave, we were spanked. But like I said, that happened probably 3 times total. A verbal warning was enough for me. Not because I was scared of my parents, just because I wanted to behave well. My husband and his brothers were hit. With belts, with switches, with spoons. He hated it and said it didn't make any difference in their behavior - it just made them angrier and want to act out more. So he refuses to do that. We agree that we'll try lesser forms of discipline - education - before we resort to a light spanking. But it will never be anything more than that. Light, open-handed, on the bum. daniellemybelle on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-70355 Wed, 08 Feb 2012 13:33:09 +0000 daniellemybelle 70355@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @mrbee: We live in Maryland but I don't know a lot of parents here. The ones I know (family and friends) are all over the country but mostly more south. MamaMoose on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-70283 Wed, 08 Feb 2012 12:49:52 +0000 MamaMoose 70283@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I'm opposed to spanking with anything other than a hand. If you aren't able to feel the contact it's a lot more likely that you'll hit too hard. I do intend to spank if necessary but I have REALLY set guidelines about it. I will only spank with my hand. And it will only come from me. My husband is a former pro football player and he is really large and strong. I worry that he would hit too hard without knowing it, and I worry our children would fear it too much just because of his stature. I will also only spank as punishment if the child is doing something that may hurt them (running into the street, trying to touch the oven, etc). I think spanking is effective in those cases because I want the child to associate that activity with pain. Lastly, I think there is only a very small age window where spanking is effective. Essentially just for toddlers. Babies are too young to understand actions vs. consequences. And older children should be able to communicate verbally and there should be no need for a spanking. MsMamaBear on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-70271 Wed, 08 Feb 2012 12:39:42 +0000 MsMamaBear 70271@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I plan to spank Baby Bear if she needs it. We got a few as kids, but our parents scared us enough not to do bad stuff to get one. Basically, the thought of possibly getting one worked. Not scared as in scared of their love (ppl seem to make these threads go there) but scared as in parents not tolerating foolishness. Boogs on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-70266 Wed, 08 Feb 2012 12:30:19 +0000 Boogs 70266@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I'm personally not a fan of spanking. Like Mr. Bee mentioned, there are so many different discipline techniques that I think could/should be used before spanking. The way I look at it is, if I can't paddle my husband's butt with a spoon or strike him with a belt, why would I do that to my LO who is so much smaller than me? And really what is, say a 2 year old, doing so badly tht would make them "detested" being hit with with an object? Also, according to the laws, at least where I live, that is considered child abuse and the same is true for leaving a mark and having sworn to be a mandated reporter because of the job I previously held before staying home, I would personally still feel obligated to report that to the authorities. runsyellowlites on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-70255 Wed, 08 Feb 2012 12:18:42 +0000 runsyellowlites 70255@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @chopsuey119: In the parenting series I watched & re-watch quite frequently the Pastor talked about that... Really funny actually. He said "you see these (shows hands) these are great... they move, go up and down, and are even on swivels (yes he actually did all these actions), but another thing is they are attached to me & when I put my hands up to worship God I don't want my children to duck b/c they think they're coming after them" That's why I use a wooden spoon & DH uses a belt... neither of us have ever even left a red mark that lasted more than a few seconds., and DS has never been fearful of us... but he has made clear that he doesn't like "the spoon" about the same about as kids who are disciplined by time out don't like the time out "seat" lol mrbee on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-70241 Wed, 08 Feb 2012 12:12:20 +0000 mrbee 70241@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @daniellemybelle: Where do you live? mediagirl on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-70236 Wed, 08 Feb 2012 11:51:29 +0000 mediagirl 70236@https://boards.hellobee.com/ Know what's funny? When we were talking last night, my husband brought up this article! He had read it yesterday and wanted to talk about it some. :) chopsuey on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-70233 Wed, 08 Feb 2012 11:49:54 +0000 chopsuey 70233@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I'm going to spank using an object.. I read that hand spanking isn't a good idea. I'll probably practice on myself and hit hard enough for it to sting without leaving a welt. daniellemybelle on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-70231 Wed, 08 Feb 2012 11:43:35 +0000 daniellemybelle 70231@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @mrbee: Really!? I know more people that spank than those who don't! ...In fact, I don't actually know anyone in real life who is opposed to spanking. @yoursilverlining: Just a devil's advocate argument... my mom tells the story of how she tried to teach me, "No, that's hot!" as a baby and I always tried to touch hot things. Eventually I did touch a hot iron and got a bad burn! She said she started "popping" me or pinching me when I tried to touch unsafe things, because that was the only thing that worked. But maybe the answer is just watching your kids better! :) @runsyellowlites: I agree with you that you don't have to spank to abuse your children. Screaming at, threatening or otherwise terrifying your children into submission can be abusive! @mediagirl: Yeah, that is not okay at all. That can't even really be considered discipline because the parent is just acting in frustration! Though sometimes the louder shrieks are not from pain, but just the child trying to get their parent to let them do what they want to do. I do feel for parents who are trying to control their children and have to literally "take it into their own hands," but you should never do it in a way that is harmful. Easier said that done! @MegWag: That's the article I shared on the thread I spinned off from! :) Very interesting. MegWag on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-69452 Tue, 07 Feb 2012 20:02:40 +0000 MegWag 69452@https://boards.hellobee.com/ After reading this thread, I was discussing stances on spanking with a friend of mine and she sent me this link: <a href="http://healthland.time.com/2012/02/06/why-spanking-doesnt-work/?hpt=hp_t3" rel="nofollow">http://healthland.time.com/2012/02/06/why-spanking-doesnt-work/?hpt=hp_t3</a> An interesting read... mediagirl on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-69435 Tue, 07 Feb 2012 19:57:54 +0000 mediagirl 69435@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I'm okay with light spanking in public. I am not okay with parents who grab their children by the arm, grabbing tightly, and pulling them through the store or wherever. When a child starts shrieking louder because of what you are doing to them, it is not okay. MegWag on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-69388 Tue, 07 Feb 2012 19:47:49 +0000 MegWag 69388@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I was never spanked, but I never really needed to be. I think @mrbee makes a good point about alternate techniques supplanting spanking. My parents raised us in an environment where spanking wasn't necessary because they used other methods to discipline us. I hope our home is a positive one that encourages good behaviour through our "family culture" rather than through punishments. That said, I'm all talk until LO actually gets here and tests my theories! Rubies on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-69276 Tue, 07 Feb 2012 19:10:45 +0000 Rubies 69276@https://boards.hellobee.com/ My mom used to have us hold out our hands face up and she would strike them with this scary wooden ruler we had. I think that's okay...To me, it's better than spanking the bum. banana on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-69264 Tue, 07 Feb 2012 18:57:15 +0000 banana 69264@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I think whatever form of punishment we use, we'll just have to make sure that my child feels that the risk will always be greater than the reward for bad behavior. If he thinks time outs are much worse than any "fun" he gets from misbehaving, then time outs will be what we will use. If he thinks the naughty act is so much more fun than any punishment he receives, we will up the ante and will resort to spanking if need be. The pain from physical punishment, when done right, will most likely be greater than any "fun" he gets out of doing the naughty act. It's kind of like gambling for me. When I win money, I'm happy. But when I lose money, I HAAAATE it much more than I like winning. So I never gamble because the risk is so much greater than any reward I would get from winning. Thankfully my DH is 100% on board so will try the lesser forms of punishment first and then move up to physical punishment if we need to go there. HabesBabe on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-69248 Tue, 07 Feb 2012 18:37:03 +0000 HabesBabe 69248@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I think open hand and some objects are ok (wooden spoon I'm good with-- a tree switch, not so much). I think the most important thing is not doing so out of anger. I got spanked and a lecture, I wasn't just hit and then left in my room to wonder what I did wrong. Call me old school or old-fashioned our out of touch or whatever, but I think a lot of this baby/kid psychology stuff is BS. If I have a child who refuses to sit in his/her carseat, I will not stand there for 30 minutes trying to reason/plead with the child so he or she will agree to be strapped in. I will put the kid in the seat, snap 'em in, and continue on with our day. Mrs. Blue on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-69221 Tue, 07 Feb 2012 18:09:01 +0000 Mrs. Blue 69221@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I think spanking should also be a teavhig experience like any other form of discipline. My mom always talked to us about what we did wrong, how we could avoid it in the future and that she really loved us and wanted us yo learn. We also always got warnings, and my mom was the queen of other creative punishments, which I always hated much, much worse than a spanking! Grace on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-69217 Tue, 07 Feb 2012 18:03:48 +0000 Grace 69217@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I think another line should be that the spanker shouldn't be angry, which I think is really hard when your child is being rotten. I think that when you hit out of anger, you are at risk of hitting too hard, which could be abuse. Plus I think you are really just relieving your feelings rather than trying to fix any bad behaviour. runsyellowlites on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-69200 Tue, 07 Feb 2012 17:34:56 +0000 runsyellowlites 69200@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I use a wooden spoon to spank DS and DH uses a belt. I used an open hand until DS was about 5 and then it became ineffective and hurt my not fatty hand more than it hurt his fatty butt... And for me, an ineffective spanking does more harm than good. The behavior usually doesn't change and then you just fight more and more often than giving a good swat and then not having a repeat of the behavior & discipline. For me spanking anywhere other than the bottom is not okay, although if the kiddo doesn't want to stand still then that's on them... DS got his hand swiped once and since he hasn't put his hand in the way. And, I also feel that spanking without legitimate reason or out of anger is considered abuse. We spank b/c a rule was broken and when it's broken, not b/c "I've had it up to here..." and am frustrated. (really like I said in the other post we rarely spank or need to spank anyways) For me, having experience relational abuse & working with young women who grew up in abusive homes I have a pretty set idea on abuse vs. discipline.... Abuse is given with the intent to tear-down, demean, and degrade... where as proper discipline (spanking in our case) is done with intent to teach, build up & mold a specific character or behavior. sidenote: How you administer discipline in many cases in more important than what form you choose, and your kids will know that. Even using time outs and taking things away can be abusive if done out of being inconvenienced or angered. *shrugs shoulders* yoursilverlining on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-69176 Tue, 07 Feb 2012 17:05:34 +0000 yoursilverlining 69176@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I am generally ok with light spanking with an open hand on the bottom on rare occasions. All of the situations described in the original post cross the line into possible abuse, IMO. I also don’t approve of spanking very young children – they need to be old enough to really appreciate both their actions, your reaction and the “why”, which I don’t think toddlers and below really are capable of. They see you are mad, but I don’t think spanking serves any positive purpose besides instilling fear at that age. Mrs. Blue on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-69174 Tue, 07 Feb 2012 17:05:21 +0000 Mrs. Blue 69174@https://boards.hellobee.com/ We were spanked with a flat wooden paddle, and I don't think anything was wrong with that. However, I will probably just spank with an open hand. I think it has more to do with the world now compared to then. Pretty much everyone I knew got spanked, and now tons of my friends don't spank their kids. Kind of an interesting cultural shift. mrbee on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-69169 Tue, 07 Feb 2012 16:58:47 +0000 mrbee 69169@https://boards.hellobee.com/ With all the advancements in child disciplining techniques, I think spanking is starting to become obsolete. heffalump on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-69168 Tue, 07 Feb 2012 16:55:38 +0000 heffalump 69168@https://boards.hellobee.com/ Any spanking makes me uncomfortable. aunt pol on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-69075 Tue, 07 Feb 2012 14:54:13 +0000 aunt pol 69075@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I would actually go with all of those 'lines'. Mum spanked us occasionally, can't remember any specific incident though. Dad only did once, when we were rough housing and went through a glass door. I remembered that one! DH's mum would've spanked them on occasion, his dad never- he says when his dad was really mad he used to just squeeze their upper arm- not to injure, just to show them how upset he was by their conduct! I expect I will spank ours- I don't believe it's wrong within very tight limits. Mrsbells on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-69071 Tue, 07 Feb 2012 14:51:01 +0000 Mrsbells 69071@https://boards.hellobee.com/ open hand spanking is what I am comfortable with. daniellemybelle on "Where do you draw the line between spanking and abuse?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/spinoff-where-do-you-draw-the-line-between-spanking-and-abuse#post-69069 Tue, 07 Feb 2012 14:45:18 +0000 daniellemybelle 69069@https://boards.hellobee.com/ Obviously there are some who think ANY kind of corporal punishment is child abuse. Sadly, there are those on the opposite end of the spectrum who believe that parents have the right to discipline their children however they feel appropriate, no matter what. I know this because I know of a family who beat their infant's little bottom with an actual rod until it bled - and believed that this was appropriate discipline because of their religious beliefs. I would say most of us fall somewhere in between. When does physical discipline become abuse? Here's a few examples of different "lines" I think people have: - Striking with objects. My mom spanked us with wooden spoons, and DH was spanked with a belt. Some believe that you should only spank with your hand. - Striking in any other way than an open hand. Certainly punching your child is different than a swat. Although my mom would pinch me sometimes! - Striking any place other than your LO's bottom. I know many who feel strongly that you should only spank a child on their bottom, where there is the most "padding." - Leaving a mark. This seems to be the biggest "line." I know that if anyone I knew "spanked" their child to the point of leaving a mark, I would be seriously concerned. So, what's your line?