https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 24 Apr 2026 15:46:41 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217586 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 19:21:49 +0000 keepcalmcarrie 2217586@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Like @Corduroy's situation, my DH is a wonderful, supportive partner during the day, but it is a Jekyll/Hyde situation MOTN - he's horrible if I wake him up.</p> <p>When he is sick, I always feel 10x more overwhelmed because it's a man cold situation and I feel like I'm taking care of another needy person, in addition to my toddler and infant. So I totally get that this might be just a vent while you're having a bad day.</p> <p>But if I could offer a gentle suggestion - try to move your daughter to another room. Even if she's high-needs, she might have a tough time at first and then settle in beautifully and everyone might sleep better. Everyone is different, but I wouldn't sleep in a different room than my husband for months on end if we weren't both happy with the situation. Co-sleeping is wonderful if it works for a family, but it doesn't sound like it's working for you (and it wouldn't for me either!)</p> <p>Again, just trying to help. I want my children to be happy, but my relationship with my husband does take priority if everyone is healthy. And that's partly because I expect him to be a contributing co-parent even though I'm a SAHM, and partly because he's my best friend and life partner, and the infant years are hard, and we need to protect our happiness as a couple. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217530 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 18:14:13 +0000 Corduroy 2217530@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CatchAFallingStar: Like PP said, hang in there. Five months is a long time but you're probably very close to better sleep and longer stretches of free time.</p> <p>My DH is a PITA at night. The first several attempts at waking him up get awful responses that I would never hear from him during the day. And if I do succeed at waking him he whines about being tired all day. That just pisses me off. So I do nighttime and I expect him to be fresh as a daisy, helpful, and energetic during the day. That just seems to work out better for us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217501 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 17:32:29 +0000 Rainbow Sprinkles 2217501@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We all have days (or weeks, or months) like that. Hang in there! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217497 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 17:30:24 +0000 MamaG 2217497@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CatchAFallingStar: It's okay to feel resentment, but you need to be able to communicate that to your DH and work on an action plan of what you need out of the situation. I don't BF my baby which makes passing feedings off to my DH much easier. Decide if you are willing to FF or bottle feed so DH can help in that regard. </p> <p>I know my DH wouldn't have been receptive to me asking him to just keep me company MOTN. Because honestly we both are pretty cranky MOTN. It's better for us to "take turns".</p> <p>Your most recent posts make it seem like you don't want to make many changes, which is going to make getting over the feelings of resentment challenging. Those feelings aren't likely to magically disappear if you keep doing the same things. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217488 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 17:26:14 +0000 daniellemybelle 2217488@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CatchAFallingStar: We all have those days. Completely understand. &lt;3 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217483 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 17:21:54 +0000 Keybee 2217483@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry! I hope things start to get better! Keep communicating! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217473 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 17:11:20 +0000 CatchAFallingStar 2217473@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh, and the "hurry back" comments are mainly pertaining to feeding her. But, I need to tell him how much it bothers me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217472 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 17:10:26 +0000 CatchAFallingStar 2217472@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think I wrote this at a bad time. I was feeling very frustrated. My husband is actually very attentive and helpful in so many ways. I just feel so trapped as a mom sometimes that I try to find reasons for it. He doesn't help at all at night, which is really hard. My daughter co-sleeps with me. She is a very high needs baby and will NOT sleep in her own room. It's sometimes hard to even get her to sleep in her co-sleeper. Husband is sick this week, which has just made everything feel worse and like I'm more alone and have less help. It's just been one of those days. Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and advice. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217441 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 16:09:21 +0000 ChiCalGoBee 2217441@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry you're dealing with this :bummed: . Do you live near any high school students? Since it is summer, I have two high school girls come help me with the baby during the week. I'm able to exercise regularly, go to the grocery store alone, etc. The girls that help me are affordable, and even 1 or 2 hours away from the baby does me a world of good. Could you find a mother's helper for a few hours each week? You've gotten a lot of good advice...hang in there and make time for yourself-and for your marriage-a priority. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217436 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 16:01:54 +0000 edelweiss 2217436@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>as others have said, i would open the lines of communication and be clear about what you need and expect him to do. i'm also wondering if maybe he's not feeling super confident as a parent (the "hurry back" comments, which btw would drive me crazy but perhaps there's another reason) and needs to find out that he can have more alone time with your LO while you go do something else?</p> <p>it's such a big change, i think these dynamics/feelings are not uncommon--good for you in recognizing how you're feeling! that's definitely a step in doing something to make things better. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217430 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 15:51:59 +0000 gingerbebe 2217430@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is what I would do:</p> <p>Start sleeping together again, stat. If that means booting the baby to another room, fine. We room shared for a few months until it bothered DS' sleep. DH slept with an eye mask and earplugs until we moved the baby out. But we made it a priority to always sleep together.</p> <p>Give bedtime and last feeding over to your husband. I gave DS one bottle of formula a day, which was the bedtime feeding at 730. DH did bath, book, bottle, etc. and I was resting or sleeping or pumping. If there was a dreamfeed around 10pm DH did it while I pumped. Then we went to bed. I did all night feedings and wake ups but usually I could get 630pm to MOTN to do whatever I needed. </p> <p>Give the first thing in the morning feeding to your husband. I would pump right before bed and that was DS' morning bottle. I would pump in the morning while DH fed him and would have enough for the next feeding plus a little extra. I could read blogs or eat breakfast in peace while DH took care of the morning diaper, changing of clothes, and feeding.</p> <p>Go out after the baby is asleep. My sons bedtime has been 730pm and I would just leave and do whatever I needed. DH could always call me to troubleshoot but I was "off the clock" for a few hours until I needed to pump. </p> <p>DH was in charge of tasks I hated like laundry, dishes, and baby dishes like pump parts, bottle wash, etc. </p> <p>Give them a hobby together. For DH it was stroller walks once a day until DS was old enough for swinging and then it was walk to the park and swing and come home. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217420 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 15:36:31 +0000 BabyBoecksMom 2217420@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Rainbow Sprinkles: exactly! I love how you put this! &lt;3 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217417 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 15:30:58 +0000 Rainbow Sprinkles 2217417@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The best marriage advice I ever received was this: set your husband up for success! If you want him to do something, but only drop hints or emotional cues, he will surely fail. We wives kind of expect our husbands to read our minds sometimes because "they should just know," but it just simply isn't how they operate. Women are much more intuitive then men and we expect our spouses to be the same, which leads to resentment and discord.</p> <p>I would give him your specific needs. Say "Babe. I love you, but I'm having a hard time. Can you help me? I need some time to myself. Could you please take the baby for X amount of hours every other Thursday evening? That would really help me decompress."</p> <p>I'd then start a conversation about getting him back in your bed if that's what you want. Maybe consider moving baby into her own room? If not, maybe a cosleeper? </p> <p>I know with my DH, the more I specific I can be, the better. That's what HE NEEDS in order to help meet MY NEEDS. Just me telling him "I'm so stressed out right now!" doesn't give him the tools he needs to help me. So, maybe say something like "could you please handle the first wake up of the night?" </p> <p>Good luck, I hope things get better. Adding children into the mix can really stir a marriage up. I hope you find a new normal that you are both happy with. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217413 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 15:28:33 +0000 catomd00 2217413@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh and sometimes I have "work meetings" that last until 6-630 and I go to happy hour alone! Shhh don't tell my husband! ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217411 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 15:25:50 +0000 catomd00 2217411@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband and I went through something similar around 5 months. We had a serious come to Jesus talk where I laid it out for him exactly what I needed / wanted him to do. It was instantly better. He is also better able to take initiative on his own now that she is older and more of a kid then a baby (16 months). I think he is more confident and doesn't need to ask me what to do for everything now that she's not only breastfeeding and can communicate her needs more. Just talk to him and be very explicit about what he can do. At that stage for us, it was him getting up every morning with her and changing her. He always is willing to go in t night but I always found it easier to boob her back to sleep. On rough nights, he would go get her and bring her to me instead. You guys will get through this! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217409 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 15:20:49 +0000 shellio 2217409@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry you are going through this - new babies are so hard on a relationship. I did not read all posts but wanted to add one thing. It was not the case with us but I know several of my girlfriends' DH were not super comfortable with the babies when they were tiny, even though it was their own child. I know a couple of them rarely held the infant or changed a diaper until baby was closer to a year, and now that the kids are toddlers, you would never think that they were "uninvolved" for that time period. I'm not making excuses for him but giving another perspective, maybe he is terrified of taking care of her alone. Maybe if you normalize this and suggest an infant care class (I know hospitals offer a lot of newborn care classes but maybe there is something for slightly older infants?), or try giving him some guidance yourself, or spending some time with friends that have involved husbands, it might be helpful. Then again, he might find this offensive, but just a suggestion. Also I second those who recommend getting baby into their own room, I know many mamas here sleep in a separate room with their child for years but that arrangement would not work for my marriage and it sounds like it isn't working for you personally either. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217408 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 15:20:07 +0000 josina 2217408@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH and I had this issue as well... my issue being that he could go out and do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, but I always need to ask, or line things up ahead of time. There isn't really a way to fix that though as a bfing mama, it just is?</p> <p>I would definitely suggest moving DH back to the bed, and baby to her crib/own room... We moved baby to his crib from the R&amp;P at 4 months and his sleep got sooo much better (from being up every 2 hours to 4 hours) and some of that may have just been me waking up at every little sound he made.<br /> Explain to DH how you feel and that you want to be able to go out and not feel rushed, and then plan a girls day and stick to it!<br /> And it sounds like you guys might need a date night to reconnect? DH and I try to go out alone once a month, it usually ends up being a day-date but that's fine too! Do whatever you can to make it work!<br /> As far as night-feeding at 6 months that's always been my job, and there really isn't anything DH can do; he's a heavier sleeper than I am so its just easier anyways for me to get up vs. trying to wake DH up. If he is awake he will grab ds for me and bring him to the room, but thats few and far between. I'd probably let that one go unless its an hour+ long wake-up, then I'd make sure baby was fed and hand dd off to DH so you can get some sleep too! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217397 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 15:02:55 +0000 rachiecakes 2217397@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would absolutely give him some formula or pumped milk and turn off the cell, for at least an hour. They'll survive. </p> <p>I WOH all day long and my husband works for private schools and pretty much has the summer off (and my son is still in preschool). Nothing fires me up than coming home from a 9 hour day to hear, "what are you making for dinner?"<br /> I'm pretty straightforward though and definitely use my voice to tell him he can make something for himself. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217393 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 14:58:03 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2217393@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Im sorry and I totally know the feeling. I am on breastfeeding the second child. We also have had discussions like he (at 10 months) doesn't need to eat every 2 hours. So if he does wake up before the next feeding, I send DH in there to get him back down. </p> <p>Also, my DH is ALWAYS asking "are you almost home yet". it totally ruins the feeling of freedom. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217383 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 14:48:42 +0000 PurplePeony 2217383@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I also breastfed (well, I still do but it's a little different at 18mo) and did pretty much all the night wakings solo after the first couple weeks. For awhile, though, I would pump right before I went to bed and DH would use that milk for DD's first wakeup -- it was soon enough that we didn't even have to refrigerate it, so if it even needed to be warmed it was super quick to do it. That let me get a decent stretch of sleep at the beginning of the night, which helped me tremendously. But really, the only thing that got me through the night wakings was a shift in my mindset and just accepting that this was on me.</p> <p>During the day, though, you should be able to get away without being made to feel guilty. Have you actually sat down and talked to your husband about this? I don't think saving your pumped milk for weekends is necessarily an excuse, since you will either need to pump or nurse on your schedule regardless of whether you're home or out and about. When I wanted to do things and left DD home with DH, I would usually try to time it so I'd feed her and then go right after. If I didn't get home in time for her next feeding, DH would give her a bottle and I would either pump when I was out or do it right when I got home and use that milk to replace what she ate while I was out. The logistics can be annoying but it's always doable; you just need to have an honest conversation with your husband about how you're feeling and how his words affect you. My DH also usually tells me to hurry back when I go out but I know he doesn't mean it literally -- it's more his way of saying "we'll miss you, looking forward to seeing you when you get home" -- so I kind of ignore it, haha. </p> <p>The baby stage is really, legitimately hard. But I'm sure you guys can work something out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217369 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 14:40:56 +0000 Greentea 2217369@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can relate. Basically, I am the main parent, the default parent, the manager, the aware one, whatever you want to call it- DH does whatever, I think of everyone. I'm not sure there is an answer other than I do my best to tell DH what I'd like him to do. It is just the way it is for us, I wish it was different. DH has specific things just he does like bath time. I still have to tell him to do it, but at least DD knows and expects bath time with dad... She basically prefers me and it can be very stressful. DH likes to be told what to do and I don't like telling people what to do... I do my best...</p> <p>I would talk to him about your expectations and desires, as much as we want someone to take initiative or read our minds or think like we think- tell him! :goodluck:</p> <p>What about having him burp her after night feeding, or handing baby to you? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217360 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 14:27:35 +0000 DesertDreams88 2217360@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Does DH help with other parenting tasks, like giving a bath or playing or diapering? Does he help with household chores? Maybe a way for you to get a bit of break from baby and feel like he's more involved would be for him to routinely take over a parenting task solo, or chores (though I don't think chores would have as much of an impact, bc you didn't mention them).</p> <p>With my DH, I'd be really straightforward and say, "Lately I've been feeling really overwhelmed taking care of the needs of LO, and I was hoping you could help out by taking over ______ or ________. What do you think?"</p> <p>Some other guys, though, might need a more subtle approach... like asking him to take over a task for one day and praising him for how LO interacts with him, then doing that task together the next day, then him on his own again, etc.</p> <p>I'd prefer doing parenting tasks together but it might slip into a situation of him backing off again and being like "you've got this without me."</p> <p>I also like @mr. bee's suggestion of going out more by yourself, and being non-negotiable about it. Like, "It's been awhile since I've seen XXXX so I'm going to go out to eat with them, I need you to watch LO, that's cool, right?" and if he balks I'd be willing to reschedule, but with a firm date in mind, and remind him of his outings. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217355 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 14:21:47 +0000 Ajsmommy 2217355@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You guys sound just like me and my DH. I have and still do all night wakings. He never did or does UNLESS it's really bad, which was only once. I am usually ok with our breakdown of duties however once in a while (usually when I am sleep deprived or expecting aunt flo) i'll get resentful and blow up. All of it can be avoided with good communication. I understand you dont' want to have to tell him or go get him during the night b/c I don't like to do that either and I understand you want him to just "intuitively" help out but he's a man, and well... that's all I can say :silly: The point I am trying to make is that you need to tell him you need help and you need to take the time for yourself so the resentment doesn't build up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217352 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 14:19:24 +0000 blackbird 2217352@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it'd bother me the most that he doesn't share a bed with me anymore. Is moving your daughter to her room an option?</p> <p>I don't wake my husband up at night. I'm on leave, he's not, I feed him, don't change him, and put him back to bed. But if I wanted him up, I would ask him to. </p> <p>And I would do some stuff for myself! You need it. Communicate your expectations </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217351 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 14:18:44 +0000 Mrs. Coral 2217351@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is LO still sleeping in your room and DH is sleeping elsewhere? I'm not sure what your personal opinion is on the matter, but I would move LO to her own room stat. </p> <p>I EBF at home, but DH gets up when DD wakes and he changes her diaper before he hands her off to me. Then he goes back to bed. Moot point if you don't change MOTN diapers. </p> <p>Have you had a sit down talk with him? Not an angry or accusatory talk, but explain that you are exhausted and need him to be your team mate. DH is really great, but sometimes he needs me to explain how I feel or how certain things affect me.</p> <p>I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you can talk to him ASAP. Tell him you need some me time and point out the fact it stresses you out when he asks you to hurry back. Is he uncomfortable caring for her alone? If this is the case, can you take a baby care class together or teach him/answer questions/ease his fears?</p> <p>Good luck mama! :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217350 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 14:17:57 +0000 BabyBoecksMom 2217350@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so sorry! You're definitely not alone in this battle. I went through the same feelings with DH when we had our first daughter. </p> <p>It is such a HUGE change... and I feel like it took until DD1 was about 6 months before he started really helping out and interacting with her more. Why won't he stay in your room? Do you co-sleep? </p> <p>DH used to tell me to come ask for help when I need it. I honestly think it's a guy thing... and they just don't understand that we need help ... until we are fed up. But, honestly, keep that communication open. Even if he's your best friend, this is new territory for him and he doesn't know when you need help.. or if helping you might be stepping on your toes. </p> <p>One thing that helped us is that we split up the feedings at night. I breastfed, but, if she woke before 1am, I made him take care of her (change, feed, rock, etc) and then I got her after that time. That way, I got my sleep and he was helping. Now... I won't lie, it was really hard for me to actually stay in bed and relax while he got her at first (I always wondered if he'd be able to settle her down), but it was SUCH a big help once we got used to the arrangement. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217346 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 14:15:29 +0000 MoonMoon 2217346@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CatchAFallingStar: hugs! I understand you on the resentment, especially when you bf and he feels he can't contribute. But during the day, he should be able to watch her and not make you fell rushed or guilty. Especially since she's 5 months old and soon will be able to go hours at a time without nursing, and will start eating solids soon. Try to keep the lines of communication open, I find things are always worse for us if we don't talk and let the resentments build up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217333 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 14:03:21 +0000 mrbee 2217333@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CatchAFallingStar: Is supplementing with formula an option?</p> <p>I would start going out more, and give him more time alone with the baby. It will help makes thing more even, both in terms of co-parenting and also in terms of socializing! Plus nothing makes a parent closer to their kids faster than large amounts of time alone! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217331 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 14:00:44 +0000 CatchAFallingStar 2217331@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: yes, but I like to save my pumped milk for weekends when I'm away. (I'm a wedding photographer) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/starting-to-resent-my-dh#post-2217330 Wed, 24 Jun 2015 13:59:45 +0000 mrbee 2217330@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CatchAFallingStar: So sorry!!</p> <p>Does your LO take a bottle? </p>