https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 04 May 2026 23:01:33 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2909304 Thu, 30 Jan 2020 14:41:42 +0000 Alexandra603 2909304@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>In that specific situation, I usually first reassure the kid that got hurt and then I bring the other kid over and say something like "we don't hit people. do you see how sad sister is? when we hit people it hurts them and makes them sad." I then have the kid apologize and give a hug to their sibling. A few thing to consider - if the kid is hitting a lot that day I will say "you seem like you are having a hard time having a safe body today. you're telling me you need a break." and I will put them in their room for a break. I don't make it an angry/punishment thing but a place for them to reset and regulate. My kids hit or act out more when they are tired so that is something to think about. Also if one of my kids is acting out a lot I make sure to really give them intentional 1:1 positive attention - get on the floor and play a game or read a book with them for 15 minutes. that often seems to help. good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2909303 Thu, 30 Jan 2020 14:23:56 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 2909303@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As a follow up question,</p> <p>How do I deal with this behaviour (if anyone has some tips)</p> <p>DS just said “I’m going to get a snack” and off he went to the pantry. DD said “me too” and followed. 30 seconds later she’s in tears because he smacked her face. No idea why. Probably because she went too?</p> <p>I lost it and he’s in his room. Not the right reaction. But this is about the 100th time today he’s done or said something mean to me or his siblings. </p> <p>We leave for a vacation for a week and when we get back I’m planning on getting him into a play therapist. But in the mean time, tips? Should I just never let them be alone together? Yesterday they played peacefully upstairs out of my sight for over an hour. And then days like today are a disaster and I’m ready to run away from home myself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908764 Wed, 22 Jan 2020 12:54:20 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 2908764@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: thanks these are some good ideas. I like the timer idea. He’s often very tired and hungry when I pick him up from school and we often start on the wrong foot. Like he asks to play without mitts and I say it’s too cold and he throws his mitts so I take away his screen time... etc. </p> <p>We focused this weekend on ignoring the behaviour we didn’t like and praising everything good he did. It’s helping I think. We also really think his behaviour is linked to sugar. He kept stealing a bunch of icing I made yesterday. It was pure sugar. He was literally bouncing after that and really not behaving well at all. So I’m going to try and cut that for him. </p> <p>@luckygirl: thanks I will look that book up!</p> <p>@Shantuck: I think mine is a good kid who’s struggling to control himself too. Thanks for the commiseration! </p> <p>@KNS: thanks I will check that one out too! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908762 Wed, 22 Jan 2020 12:48:41 +0000 KNS 2908762@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Champagne: I had someone recommend the book Siblings without rivalry when I was pregnant with my second. She said it was amazing and her two boys have a good relationship and she credited this with a lot of that. I just picked it up 2.5 years later as our oldest seems to have a lot of jealousy cropping up. </p> <p>I just started it this week but I like it so far and gives some different approaches to addressing the negative feelings that kids have. I really like it so far and it is a very easy and approachable read. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908755 Wed, 22 Jan 2020 11:12:48 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 2908755@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks for more replies ladies. Going to read through at naptime and respond! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908739 Tue, 21 Jan 2020 22:48:22 +0000 Shantuck 2908739@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have a 7 year old boy and have similar outbursts happening in our house. We haven’t dealt much with the sibling fights yet (little sister just turned 3) but we get the hurtful comments about wanting a new mom, new family, etc. We’ve also had reports of bad behavior at school. I think with my son that he just gets overtired and frustrated from lack of rest, long days at school, etc. I don’t have a magic solution and I definitely struggle with the frustration you describe. I think he’s a good kid who is strong willed and learning to control his impulses. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908623 Sun, 19 Jan 2020 06:14:06 +0000 luckygirl 2908623@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My son (now 6) and I used to clash a lot. Someone suggested the book "Parenting Without Power Struggles," which I found very helpful and practical. It really helped our relationship. </p> <p>I used to not want to "reward" him with attention when he acted out, so I would often leave the room (and because at times I was feeling mad myself, and wanted to control my emotions). </p> <p>But this book helped me see the importance of connecting with him. So now when he is acting out the most, I do try to connect with him instead (while still not rewarding him). He acts out much less, and he and I are much closer now.</p> <p>This is the book - may be worth a try! <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6952630-parenting-without-power-struggles" rel="nofollow">https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6952630-parenting-without-power-struggles</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908616 Sat, 18 Jan 2020 23:30:54 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2908616@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Champagne: I'm going to try to make this organized and not too rambly, but no promises. :wink: </p> <p>I am dealing with kids affected by trauma, so feel free to disregard if you don't think it is applicable to your situation. However, I think dysregulation happens to all of us, and this is sure what that sounds like. </p> <p>We have similar issues with our oldest. She is 4, and can be REALLY mean to everyone. Us, her sister, the dogs, etc. She is physically aggressive, spits, hits, pushes, growls at the dogs, you name it. She also yells a lot. All at home, almost never out and about. I want to preface all this by saying I'm no where near perfect and am wading through all of this as well. We have lots of bad days around here. But then occasionally I'll get things really right, and I remember that I am in control of this situation, if I can control my own emotional reactions. </p> <p>I would reframe the "attention seeking" description as "connection seeking." Kids are hardwired to "seek attention." It's how they survive. Given that fact, when kids will also crave the type of attention/connection they are getting. If they are getting negative feedback all the time, they will get used to that and start to seek that kind of attention. Sounds like that's where he is at. </p> <p>For me the hardest part is coming up with actual in the moment responses that aren't raising my voice, escalating the situation, threatening to take things away and time outs. That's what comes naturally in those moments. What has worked for us are some of these things:</p> <p>-Setting expectations really clearly, using timers, visual schedules, etc. She feels safest (and therefore, is the most regulated and in control of herself) when she knows exactly what is expected, the timeframe, etc. When I remember to be organized about this stuff, it really helps. So telling her out loud that I am going to go change baby's diaper and will be back in 2 minutes. Or that I am going to have to give baby a bottle, or whatever, and I will be back in 5 minutes, and she can pick a safe activity while I'm gone. </p> <p>-TONS of positive reinforcement. I try as much as I can to use what they call PDA, or positive descriptive acknowledgement, which goes like, "You just helped your sister! She really loved that" or "You picked up the blocks. You're very responsible." or "You were so gentle with the dogs. You must feel happy about that." This is so hard, when you're in a negative loop with a kid. This sounds crazy, and honestly I was embarrassed I needed this much scaffolding, but at one point I set a 15 minute timer on my phone and gave her some kind of positive interaction every time it went off. It wasn't always verbal, I made sure to use eye contact, a wink, a pat on the back, or a hug too. The days I did this and really stuck with it were the best days behaviorally we've had in a long time. </p> <p>-For me, it helps me to remind myself every night before I go to bed why this is happening, what it means she needs, and how I need to respond. If I don't go through this, I tend to react instead of respond, and it isn't pretty. It also helps to get up about 30 minutes before the kids if I can, and just have some time to wake up before they do. </p> <p>-Validating feelings. This one is so hard for me because it doesn't come naturally. I never heard this growing up. But when she's acting out, yelling, etc. I try to empathize with how I think she's feeling. "Wow, you're really angry" and then I try to get her to come up with a different way to respond. We do A LOT of "redos" in this house. I sound like a broken record saying, "try that again." But having her repeat the interaction in a kind way using words is good practice, and is regulating in itself. We do a lot of role playing too, if it's not safe to repeat the interaction with sister or the dogs. So if she pushed sister down because she wanted to get by, I'll pretend to be sister, and stand in her way, and have her "try again" with me. </p> <p>Ok, I'm stopping here because I think this is as long as a book. I hope there's something helpful in here. Feel free to ask if I wasn't clear. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908613 Sat, 18 Jan 2020 22:23:20 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2908613@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Champagne: We are in a similar boat, and this is also what I spent my last 8 months working with professionally, so I have some ideas. I'm in the middle of bedtime, but will post more in a little bit when I can get to my computer. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908579 Sat, 18 Jan 2020 07:56:40 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 2908579@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow guys. Thanks for the replies. I honestly didn’t think I would get any. </p> <p>So I do think this is attention seeking. And I do really struggle to not react. I am not having enough positive moments with him in a day. I find it really difficult to when he is hurting people and being so rude to then compliment him when he does do something good. I need to work on that for sure. Goal for the weekend and see how we do. </p> <p>He does not get any alone time with me. This is really hard to carve out as my husband gets home basically at bed time. I do have a nanny for the other two every other Friday, and I have occasionally picked him up early from school for lunch and mom time. I will have to start doing that more ... although the purpose of the nanny was to allow me to have some time without my kids for 2 days a month, haha. </p> <p>RE: counselling I see a therapist (struggled with anxiety after my third) and last time I asked her for some resources. There is a play therapist in town that I am going to contact. </p> <p>We live in a “rural” part of Ontario- so we don’t have things like a guidance counsellor, or a paediatrician. Just a regular family doctor who is pretty.... brutal. It really feels like this is on us to sort through especially as they don’t see it at school.</p> <p>I will follow up and see how the dynamics are in the class. His one little BFF is really rough and not the kindest (he threw sand in my daughters face at pick up) so I will request they be separate next year in grade 1. </p> <p>Outside time - we are out a lot. When my kids are outside they don’t fight. So that’s great. Yesterday was -12 so we didn’t get out after school because we live on the lake so with the wind it was realllllllly cold. We also do no extra curricular right now. My son does not like them at all.</p> <p>I will check into some of the resources mentioned and really try to not react and give him attention for the negative things. Thank you guys for taking the time to answer! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908574 Fri, 17 Jan 2020 22:54:55 +0000 ChitownRo 2908574@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is your DS like this for your husband too? My 6 yo (also oldest of three) is always his worst self for me, we definitely trigger each other.<br /> This book helped, read it 2 years ago after our baby was born. </p> <p>1-2-3 Magic: 3-Step Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/149262988X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_AaOiEbKEX2BNF" rel="nofollow">https://www.amazon.com/dp/149262988X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_AaOiEbKEX2BNF</a></p> <p>Things are so much better now. Though the transition to K in Sept led to many huuuge tantrums. But we followed through on the consequences and he hasn’t had a tantrum in months </p> <p>Back when starting 1,2,3 magic, I took anything hard out of his bedroom bc he’d go into his room for timeouts and throw things at the door. (There’s a whole section on this in the book). But the biggest message/change for us was, stop trying to rationalize with him like he’s an adult. Set the rules/consequences upfront, give the 1,2,3 warning and then do the timeout/consequence etc without anger/frustration (so hard). </p> <p>Sending support your way. Momming can be so hard </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908573 Fri, 17 Jan 2020 22:09:18 +0000 Kemma 2908573@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Baby Boy Mom: I am allll about the outside time and sometimes feel like some kids just need more time outside and more physical play / exercise!</p> <p>OP - how many positive interactions to you have with your oldest on the daily? I find it really easy to slip in to the trap of only commenting on the negative stuff and it becomes such a cycle of me shouting and the kids reacting in a negative way therefore prompting more shouting and sometimes I have to make a really conscious effort to focus on the positive stuff and hug the kid that’s pissing me off the most! My other suggestion is to get rid of any screens because 90% of the time my kids are worse if we’ve had the tv on. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908568 Fri, 17 Jan 2020 21:02:54 +0000 pinkb 2908568@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You are not alone. Lots of good advice above. My DD is similar. She just turned 7. 6 was a rough year and I am hoping I am seeing improvements. She pinches and hits her brother all the time. And then she has a hard time being honest about it even if I see it. Screams a lot. Says she hates us and at times says she hates herself- mostly when she doesn’t know things like working on homework and stuff. School is great no issues teachers say she is great and even out in public is usually ok. I have been concentrating on my reactions and giving grace in expectations especially during school days. Spending more quality time together 1 on 1 and as a family. Outside time 1000% helps so much. But I have just started looking for a child therapist to see if that can help with her self confidence and help with her feelings about herself. Cause maybe there is something I am missing. So just chiming in to say hang in there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908567 Fri, 17 Jan 2020 20:48:21 +0000 hummusgirl 2908567@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My 7 year old son does things like this. It’s so rough and we aren’t the best at handling it. What’s worked most is getting a handle on our emotions/reactions and letting a lot of things slide. He’s in play therapy once a week which does help give him strategies for dealing with his emotions. Good luck to us all! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908566 Fri, 17 Jan 2020 20:47:59 +0000 Foodnerd81 2908566@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Champagne: this sounds a lot like last year with my daughter- only she wasn’t good at school either. I’m positive I could have reacted better and I was feeding in to it, letting her push my buttons, like anagram mentions, but also I’m human. We all are. </p> <p>We did seek counseling and honestly- i think it wasn’t a great fit for her and wasn’t super helpful. And was very stressful coordinating. But if you go that route I really hope you have better results! </p> <p>The big thing for us has been time. She started kindergarten this year and it’s been way better. I think her teacher is a better fit for her (more strict, no nonsense, less lovey). But also I’m not afraid to send her to her room so she can have a chance to calm down and *I* can have a chance to calm down. She’s old enough to understand that grownups need time to calm down too. I don’t usually frame it as a time out, I make it a chance for her to calm down. </p> <p>I’ve also tried cutting out food dyes and artificial flavors, restricting sugar, etc. I try to have as much one on one connection time as I can (with siblings and a spouse that works long hours- it’s hard. For us it’s after I put little sister to bed we read books for an extra 20 minutes). </p> <p>Mostly you’re not alone and not doing something wrong. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908565 Fri, 17 Jan 2020 20:30:55 +0000 MrsSRS 2908565@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sometimes adhd looks like that. I think it's time to ask your pediatrician for a psych workup. Even if just to rule out options it would be helpful. And counseling. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908564 Fri, 17 Jan 2020 20:16:58 +0000 Silva 2908564@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think if you feel like you've hit your limit, it could be time to get some help from outside yourself. Counseling for you, your husband and your son. Ask your pediatrician for help. Your son is old enough for a counselor to be helpful, too. If you can't find the time for any of that in your schedule (No judgement, I honestly don't know how i'd coordinate counseling for myself/my husband and one of our kids if needed), maybe even something like the Mightier program? I'd also speak to the school guidance counselor- they might be able to fit some sessions in during the day.</p> <p>I don't say this because I think something is "wrong" but just because it sounds like you have tried a lot and sometimes it is time to reach out to our village for help. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908563 Fri, 17 Jan 2020 19:16:50 +0000 gotkimchi 2908563@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Have you checked out Janet Lansbury? She has some podcasts and also a book no bad kids, some of that info might be helpful to you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908562 Fri, 17 Jan 2020 19:13:56 +0000 cake2017 2908562@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Champagne: Don’t beat yourself up! You’re doing great.</p> <p>My advice and we’ve seen good results with our 2.5yo....</p> <p>lots of one on one time.<br /> sounds like jealousy and anger because of no attention and or all the attention.<br /> I take LO1 alone to the store with me. I hang out with him when Lo2 naps and just try to give more attention since she has arrived. It’s hard but i see better results on how he treats her.</p> <p>also, have DH spend alone time with him. Parks, lunch, playing in the house etc.</p> <p>I would also praise and ask him for help with siblings? See how he does with thT... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908560 Fri, 17 Jan 2020 18:22:42 +0000 Baby Boy Mom 2908560@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So first of all I want to say that this sounds a lot like my eldest at that age so I totally feel for you. But also, days like this are rare now that he is 8 so I'll try to share the things we did that were helpful.<br /> So a lot of the behavior is really (lack of) emotional regulation, but as a parent it's helpful to see the negative behavior as a cry for help. (I read a bunch of books and I don't remember where all these ideas came from, but I didn't make them up).<br /> Anyway, so a cry for help means we need to connect (parent-child) which is super hard when you're angry and there are other siblings around! But seriously, take a deep breath and ask if he needs a hug, or just lean in for one. Use your quiet/normal voice and be lovey dovey about solving the problem- "can I help you tell your sibling you want to play with that toy?" You're basically affirming that you are on his side. Try to come up with multiple times a day for that connection so that it becomes a constant he can rely on.<br /> This is probably my number one technique for changing behavior, but it does take time and work. </p> <p>There are some other things we did that were also helpful:<br /> 1- School: check in and see what the teacher is like and what the dynamics in the class are like. We found out that because he was very well behaved the teacher was basically ignoring him and some of the class dynamics were bad- i.e. he was learning unwanted behavior and trying it out in a safe space (meaning at home). We ended up switching schools for this and other reasons but in the interim I would pull him out from time to time and just hang out for the day.</p> <p>2- Food: I know you said he eats well, but one of the best things for kids that are struggling with emotional regulation is keeping their blood sugar steady. This means avoiding high GI foods (sugar) and making sure meals are well balanced with protein and fat. I always see a spike in challenging behavior when I ignore this and have a carby day...</p> <p>3- More outdoor time and more free play. Kids are very good at holding it together when at a structured activity but then it all falls apart when they are safe (with you). We minimized extracurriculars for a while to maximize unstructured time. Also, nature, nature and more nature, as often as you can! We've been really prioritizing this over the past year. We try every weekend to be outside weather permitting, even when it's a pain, because it makes a huge difference.</p> <p>I will come back if I think of some more things...but just know all is not lost. I know how frustrating it is, but it can get better! :goodluck: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908559 Fri, 17 Jan 2020 18:03:35 +0000 Anagram 2908559@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have a kid that is “harder” than my other kid. Often when I feel like she is pushing my buttons, I have to acknowledge the fact that I have these buttons and that I’m being reactive to these triggers. It’s not a situation that’s “all her”, so to speak, my reactions and mood play a big part. Does that make sense? </p> <p>So I have to figure out my own triggers, work to control them better—after all, I’m the adult in the situation—and figure out how to change my reactions. A lot of the time, just changing how I react can diffuse instead of escalate a situation. My youngest literally just hit my oldest—it was the 3rd meltdown in about 14 minutes. She didn’t have a nap at school today, and it’s all directly related. I could have yelled, put her in a time out, lectured. But I’ve been down that road and none of it helps! She’s stubborn and she just doubles down and she’ll fight me to go to her room and fight me to come out, and she’ll scream cry and it will turn into an hour long, drawn out, screaming ordeal. </p> <p>So instead I just put the toy they were fighting over in time out, I pulled her onto my lap, and I redirected her. I asked about her day, now she’s helping me make dinner, and now she’s calm. </p> <p>I react—well, overreact— allllllll the time. But responding calmly always works better. Power struggles never go well. It’s the same with my obstinate students at school. Some kids are just harder than others, and you have to do a lot of trial and error. But don’t give up!! He sounds very similar to a lot of what I go through. And by the way, my child is also much better at school. Go figure. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908556 Fri, 17 Jan 2020 17:45:55 +0000 Anagram 2908556@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Champagne: do you think he’s seeking negative attention, just to get attention in general? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908555 Fri, 17 Jan 2020 17:39:35 +0000 jennlin821 2908555@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>He physically/verbally assaults his siblings &amp; parents on a daily basis, and has been since since his fist sibling was born.. I think that you've probably done everything that you can as a parent at this point! I would suggest some counseling, probably for him alone and for all of you as a family. An outside person may be able to help him identify and regulate his emotions and triggers when it comes to family. </p> <p>Hang in there mama! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-majorly-with-almost-6-year-old#post-2908553 Fri, 17 Jan 2020 17:22:39 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 2908553@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m not sure how to get into everything without making this long but I’ll try to keep it as short as possible. </p> <p>Basically, I could have written this post any day over the past three years about my sons behaviour. He’s getting worse. </p> <p>He is good at school. Anxious at times but very well behaved, occasionally is “silly” with some of his friends but he’s very sweet there and seems to be doing well. </p> <p>At home he’s... terrible? Mean? I’m not sure. He is completely miserable. Constantly hitting and punching his siblings (dd is 3.5 and ds2 is 1.5). Screams at us constantly that he hates us. </p> <p>Today he punched my daughter so hard in the back because she was playing with a toy he wanted. I sent him to his room. On the way he screamed that he hates me, I am the worst mom, and that he never even wanted me as his mom. </p> <p>This sort of things happens every day, multiple times. He is prone to these ridiculous outbursts. I do not enjoy taking him places because we live in a small gossiping town and it’s mortifying the way he acts sometimes. </p> <p>If I am alone with him (no siblings around) he’s a completely different, nice, polite kid. But he wAkes up almost every day wanting to push buttons and it starts again the second I get him from school. </p> <p>I try to ignore the behaviours, have limits, threats, bribes.. nothing is working. I am miserable and sitting on my kitchen flooring crying while I eat a cookie. </p> <p>To complicate matters my husband leaves early in the morning for work and it isn’t uncommon for him to get home around 7pm. </p> <p>Any advice would be appreciated. I feel like we need a parenting resent. My daughter is the sweetest little thing and so helpful and nice so I feel like I’m doing something right. But clearly things have gone off the walls with my son and it’s killing me.</p> <p>ETA: re sleep and food, he eats well and he sleeps from approx 730pm-630am </p>