https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 25 Apr 2026 04:41:49 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739667 Wed, 24 May 2017 15:20:23 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2739667@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: btw my mothers day was completely exhausting! I requested home projects done for my gift and then we did church and dinner with the ILs and I was zonked by the end of it. I definitely understand how easy it is to get overscheduled!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739665 Wed, 24 May 2017 15:18:19 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2739665@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Last night the plan had been to finish painting the bonus room since my parents are coming into town for LOs Pre-K graduation. But the power went out so oops, we fell asleep at 8:30 and as soon as the power came on we went back to bed. It is sad that it takes a power outage to get in bed early. I am a part time night school teacher and a few times this semester I got these terrible headaches that completely knocked me out. I got home from work around 9.:00 and went straight to bed, couldn't even eat. I think it was my body's way of telling me to slow down. I must say, to get the time you need to thrive you will probably have a say NO in ways that disappoint yourself and others. It is so so easy to get into the habit of trying to be everything to everyone. When you stop being that person people are shocked and you may even feel guilty. I didn't do a party for my two year old this year and didn't do one for my 4 year old, we don't yet do sports. We really don't see extended family enough. But cutting out that stuff does give us a little breathing room. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739605 Wed, 24 May 2017 13:19:07 +0000 kiddosc 2739605@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: No, it defintiely was. It just happened to be the way it all lined up the last few weeks. One party was my best friend's husband, another was a set of twins that were coming to my son's party the next day, and then my son's party... not really things we could say no to. My husband coaches my son's soccer team, so we couldn't skip any games/practices. And when your 5 year old is super excited to show you the jellyfish he made you can't really tell him you'd rather sit at home on the couch. We aren't usually such social butterflies. We're a one thing to do a weekend (if that!) kind of family usually. But I do struggle with saying no when I know it will hurt feelings. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739587 Wed, 24 May 2017 12:50:44 +0000 ShootingStar 2739587@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: Well, I was just noticing you have a lot of soccer related stuff and birthday parties and the art show, etc. It's a lot of stuff to be committing to. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739579 Wed, 24 May 2017 12:39:01 +0000 kiddosc 2739579@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: It's not our typical schedule, this was just an odd few weeks. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739577 Wed, 24 May 2017 12:34:51 +0000 ShootingStar 2739577@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel a little wistful sometimes for my single days when I could spend an entire weekend on the couch, binge watching netflix all day. </p> <p>I have to remind myself that while a day of binge watching anything I want sounds heavenly, the reality is that I don't actually want to go back to my single days. I was pretty lonely then, and I had a crappy relationship before that where I was on my own a lot. </p> <p>@kiddosc: From listening to your schedule, you might need to say no more often. Or do less activities. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739552 Wed, 24 May 2017 12:08:24 +0000 Anagram 2739552@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Rocker2014: you are right, and I also know....in spite of the loss of freedom I feel, I *alraedy* miss when my girls were just chubby little babies. Like, I seriously miss it and I am not a sentimental person and I'm not particularly a baby person. But I miss their fat cheeks and sweet rolls and all those tiny baby cuddles. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739512 Wed, 24 May 2017 10:07:49 +0000 Rocker2014 2739512@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh man, I was feeling exactly this way so badly. In trying to combat it I recently realized something that helped me so I thought I'd share even though this post isn't really looking for solutions. </p> <p>I'm an older mom, and a lot of my friends/family had kids very young so they're now in their teens or even early 20's. I realized a few months ago that my friends with older kids are now enjoying the kind of freedom I have recently been missing so badly! It really helped me recognize that this season is not forever, and that there's a time and a place for everything. As I recently put it to one of my friends whose son was just accepted to college, "I have the rest of my life to go out for drinks with you, but tonight I have to put my daughter to bed." And, she totally understood and validated remembering feeling that the kid stage would never end but now it has for her. </p> <p>I don't know if this helps anyone else, but there does seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel - at least a lot of my friends have found it so I'm holding out hope for myself! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739447 Wed, 24 May 2017 08:46:12 +0000 snowjewelz 2739447@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@skipra: That is so true too. I'm already sad thinking about the day that my kids don't need me! I feel like that's what makes this so hard... I am constantly swinging between willing and needing myself to savor every moment, good or bad, because they won't last forever, but then also giving myself permission to miss the freedom and ability to be selfish. </p> <p>@kiddosc: I feel like as they get older, we may do less physically, but I am going to probably stay up worrying about them more! Esp with the way the world is lately :sad: I foresee it being really hard to let them feel hurt, feel rejection, pain, heartbreak, etc while all I'd want to do is shield them from it all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739442 Wed, 24 May 2017 08:42:55 +0000 kiddosc 2739442@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@skipra: I'm sure I'll miss this stage some day, and I'm not wishing it away, or wishing it to go faster. The point of the article is more along the lines of what @snowjewelz: said. That you will " never ever FEEL that way again because no matter what I do, they will always be on my mind so even the most relaxing vacation or day off, it will never be the same again!" That once you're a parent, there is no REAL break, I imagine that doesn't change much even when they're older and more independent. </p> <p>@pachamama: Aw, hon. You're not failing. I posted about this on a FB group and had a huge response of people who felt the same way. It's one of those dirty secrets of motherhood that doesn't get talked about a lot, that Mom's miss being their own person. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739370 Wed, 24 May 2017 02:23:28 +0000 Cherrybee 2739370@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is exactly how I feel. I love my beautiful girls and wouldn't give them up for the world but, oh my god, do I feel stifled by parenthood. Trapped, even. I miss being able to accept invitations last minute, being able to say "let's go out for dinner tonight" at 5pm, being able to lose myself in work without having to leave exactly on time to pick little people up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739337 Tue, 23 May 2017 20:46:48 +0000 Grace 2739337@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yow, your description of your week made me exhausted for you! I've found the best thing lately is having LO go for sleepovers at her grandparents. I started them so that she'd be ok going when I have to go to the hospital for the new baby. We do once a month and I find that often enough that there is enforced vegging out time. It's really made a huge difference. And LO loves it cause she gets spoiled rotten. Win win! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739333 Tue, 23 May 2017 20:34:31 +0000 mrskansas 2739333@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>There are definitely days where I miss my life with my husband prior to having our daughter. It was easier to travel and eat out and it was so nice to sleep in on the weekend!<br /> That being said, I love the purpose having kids gives me. Everything I do, I do for my daughter and I live for that. I feel like before I had her, I was just floating through life and now I really have something to live for.<br /> I do think it makes a difference that I had my daughter pretty young.. I didn't have 10+ years to experience being single (like some do) in order to really "miss" it too badly. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739299 Tue, 23 May 2017 19:33:21 +0000 skipra 2739299@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just read an article that while these days (weeks, months, years) are hard, you will really miss them when they are gone. Kind of like how you are missing your kid-free days now. I do understand the feeling and was feeling kind of in a rut coming off a crazy non-stop 2 week stretch too but I try to keep the thought running through my head that these are the best years and they are so short and I need to enjoy the moment. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739297 Tue, 23 May 2017 19:14:19 +0000 pachamama 2739297@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>God, I could have written this. The loss of autonomy since having my son 16 months ago has permanently changed me. I have much fewer moments of joy and freedom and I feel stifled a lot of the time. I had a very difficult time bonding with my son. He was kind of fussy, demanding, and just didn't seem to love being a baby. I can't believe how much I did not enjoy the first year of being a mom. It was such a huge disappointment to me,.... why am I not loving this? Why do other moms feel so strongly about their babies and I just want him to be 5?<br /> It was also hard for me as a type A semi control freak to kind of fail at something. Sometimes I really feel like I am failing at being a mom.<br /> That is all. I am not depressed and my anxiety is pretty much gone. I'm just not the lighthearted, fun person I was. And it makes me sad. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739204 Tue, 23 May 2017 15:32:46 +0000 kiddosc 2739204@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@snowjewelz: Exactly this. </p> <p>@Chuckles: Logically you know you will be responsible for a little person, but the actual reality of it is so much more than I think anyone really expects. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739199 Tue, 23 May 2017 15:20:52 +0000 Chuckles 2739199@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>All of this! When I was pregnant, I felt like I was relatively prepared for having a kid because I'd been a preschool teacher and nanny for a baby and a toddler (together). But nothing prepares you for the 24-7-ness of being a parent. It was a much harder adjustment than I thought it would be because of that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739182 Tue, 23 May 2017 14:42:03 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2739182@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No advice, some weeks are like that around here too. Just sending hugs and I hope now that your washing machine issue is fixed things will be easier! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739178 Tue, 23 May 2017 14:38:51 +0000 snowjewelz 2739178@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I so agree! It's a weird feeling... Because you would not trade anything in the world for your kids, of course; but it is this feeling like yeah, I will never ever FEEL that way again because no matter what I do, they will always be on my mind so even the most relaxing vacation or day off, it will never be the same again! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739157 Tue, 23 May 2017 14:09:18 +0000 gingerbebe 2739157@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>After having 2 kids, I've realized that this kind of doing nothing, while hard, was something I personally NEEDED to force myself to do because it was really important to my mental health. And even my physical health, really, because all this go go go was just too much for me to cope with all the time. Its like when I was in college or law school - before finals I'd push myself to the max but then afterwards when I was finally on break, I'd usually get sick because all the tension and pent-up exhaustion would come out. I had PPA/PPD with both boys and do not deal with prolonged sleep deprivation well, so I already knew that getting enough "doing nothing" time was important to my health.</p> <p>We had a pretty crazy 2 weeks before Mother's Day - my kids were really sick, we had LOTS of doctor appointments, I had jury duty, I went back to work after maternity leave, and my brother was getting married so we had to take a long roadtrip and go out of town for several days. We got back late on Mother's Day, I had to stay up late getting every ready for school and work the next day, plus the following day was DS2's 1st birthday and he needed to bring in a treat for his class...Basically, it was a mess and I was delirious and shaking with exhaustion.</p> <p>I told my husband for Mother's Day I was going to take the following Thursday off. I did get up briefly that morning to get the kid's going to school because that would get them out of my hair faster, but then I went to breakfast, ate a leisurely omelette, and then went back to bed until noon. But even then I laid in my bed for 2 hours playing with my phone, showered at 2pm, and ate a late lunch at like 3pm. I grabbed some soup I had pre-made for this day to reheat in the Instant Pot for dinner and went back to sleep until DH went to get the kids from daycare at 430pm.</p> <p>It did cross my mind to do laundry or clean the house or go grocery shopping, but I really had to tell myself that if I didn't let myself completely veg and rest, I was going to make myself sick and depressed. So I literally had to talk myself out of doing anything productive. Everyone had soup for dinner, then DH handled bath and bedtime for the boys. I went back to bed and binge watched A Handmaid's Tale until close to midnight when I crashed out again. </p> <p>Granted, our boys are really young still, but after my experiences with PPA/PPD and the exhaustion of a baby's first year, even my husband is super mindful of my personal need for rest - both mental and physical. We have no family around and we don't really trust babysitters, so all of our childcare is on us or daycare. I am the family logistics person, cruise director, and air traffic controller. Even when I'm laying on the couch, the number of details and things running through my mind are endless. If DH and I don't prioritize some time for me to literally let my mind go numb, I will snap. </p> <p>So yes, I miss all the pre-children freedoms I had, but I've realized I can't just shrug and say that season of my life is gone and forego that down time because if I don't FORCE myself to do nothing every once in a while, I just won't be able to function. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739154 Tue, 23 May 2017 14:06:39 +0000 wrkbrk 2739154@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No advice, but I totally feel you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739135 Tue, 23 May 2017 13:53:51 +0000 mrsbubbletea 2739135@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh. I feel you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739122 Tue, 23 May 2017 13:43:05 +0000 kiddosc 2739122@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: That's a huge part of it... I can take time away if I want/need to, but it's just not the same. In the back of my mind is all the stuff that needs to get done and the knowledge that if I'm not around to do it now, it will have to be done later. DH carries a huge load of the household responsibility too, it's just that there's always so much to do. </p> <p>Whole weekends of SVU and House marathons, how I miss thee! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739117 Tue, 23 May 2017 13:38:04 +0000 Anagram 2739117@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: I miss doing nothing, too! And honestly, now that I have 2 kids, even when I TRY to "do nothing" it's impossible. When I was really sick the week before last, and ended up getting up at like, 2 in the morning to write sub plans and put my absence in the sub system, I told my husband DO NOT WAKE ME tomorrow. I'm sick, I just need sleep.</p> <p>Well, come 6:15 am and both kids are running into the room, flipping on the lights, jumping on me in the bed. DH was "indisposed" on the toilet which is how they got into my room. So then he finally gets them out and I go back to bed.....but then he wakes me up to ask where some school item was that LO1 needed (spoiler alert: it was where it always is). I finally fell back asleep and actually *slept* finally.</p> <p>When I woke up, I knew I should just rest in bed and try to feel better.....but instead, I realized we were out of several items we needed, so I dragged myself up and visited 2 different supermarkets, then came home and started dinner early--since I was sick, the only luxury I could give myself was extra time to make dinner, since I was moving so slowly.</p> <p>I mean, that's pathetic, right? I used to be able to lie in bed for entire weekends at a time! and now it's just impossible.</p> <p>I could write a book about all the things I could do pre-kids that now there just isn't time/money for. It's hard. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739116 Tue, 23 May 2017 13:37:47 +0000 kiddosc 2739116@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@muffinsmuffins: Totally this! "I love our life and our son so much, but I also get jealous for my past self sometimes too." It's not that I don't love my kids and my life, or that I'm not thankful for it all... but I miss my old life too. </p> <p>@erinbaderin: My older brother is single without any kids and he came to my son's birthday party this weekend and told me he thought about me when he woke up at 8, then rolled over and went back to sleep until 10. I bet you would have loved to do that he said... thanks bro :bummed: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739106 Tue, 23 May 2017 13:32:26 +0000 erinbaderin 2739106@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is totally what I had the hardest time with when I had my first child. I remember crying to my husband "He just NEEDS me so much and I'm never going to have free time ever again!" And this past weekend was a long weekend and while we had a good time, going to two birthday parties, the Science Centre, the park, out for brunch, etc. I couldn't help thinking about long weekends pre-kids - staying up late (not an option any more, kids are up by 6 every day!), lying on the couch watching tv for hours, etc. I wouldn't go back but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739105 Tue, 23 May 2017 13:32:09 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2739105@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Solidarity! DW and I took a quick trip to Mexico last month for my brothers wedding and literally one of the best things about the trip was not having to do anything for 2 days straight. I only had to think about myself, and no one else, which happens rarely in the last 2.5 years. We've been talking about it lately as we plan to start trying for a second and I'm watching some of our close friends have their first kids and it really is the thing I miss most. It's been a huge adjustment for me to leap out of bed every morning to go go go when I just want to do nothing some days. I don't even know what I did with all the time before we had a child! Appointments, events, travel, meals, bedtime, etc...everything revolves around our son and it is seriously exhausting. </p> <p>I have to remind myself that giving up my independence is part of having a child, but it is something I didn't even think about before we had him so I've found it difficult. It's so simple, but it is what I miss the most. I've mostly resigned myself to the fact that this is what life is like now and one day it won't be like this and I will have time for myself again. I love our life and our son so much, but I also get jealous for my past self sometimes too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/struggling-with-the-loss-of-independence#post-2739087 Tue, 23 May 2017 13:16:52 +0000 kiddosc 2739087@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I saw this article the other day and it just really spoke to how I've been feeling lately. I love my kids and I'm pretty confident in my mama abilities, but I'm struggling with the loss of independence that comes with being a mom. That there's always somewhere to go, something to do, someone to care for, I'm just worn out. Even when we go out without the kids, I feel guilty for not spending more time with them, or about staying out too late and burdening our care givers. It's not about being able to go out and party, it's more not being able to spend the day on the couch netflixing if I want, or the ability to spontaneously go somewhere, or being ok with there only being cereal for dinner, or really just the opportunity to not be responsible for someone else. I know they won't always take up as much of my time, but this article just really spoke to me at this stage in my life so I thought I'd share.</p> <p><a href="http://www.scarymommy.com/hardest-part-of-parenting-expected/?utm_source=FB" rel="nofollow">http://www.scarymommy.com/hardest-part-of-parenting-expected/?utm_source=FB</a></p> <p>This is our schedule the last week. Tonight is “art in the park” night, where there will be pizza and some of our 4 year old’s art from school will be displayed. We’re also having a washing machine delivered because ours has been broken for over a week now. Last night I had to go grocery shopping after putting the baby to bed. She still nurses to sleep, so I couldn’t leave earlier. Sunday night I had to go to my parent’s house to do some laundry, see broken washing machine above. That was after a crazy day of 5 year old birthday party (so fun, but so exhausting). Saturday, I attended a baby shower two hours from home, my husband fielded two soccer games and a birthday party for our son, and then I spent the night assembling the cake for the birthday party and finishing putting the goodie bags together. Friday night we rushed home from work to give our son his birthday present and do a birthday cupcake before making an appearance at a friend’s birthday party. Thursday night I baked the cakes for the birthday party and began goodie bag assembly. Wednesday Night was soccer practice. Tuesday we went shopping for a new washing machine, which involved going to two different Lowe’s, picking up drive-thru dinner and getting the kids in bed over an hour late. Monday we had family in from out of town and had a cook-out at our house. Sunday night, Mother’s Day, I had to go grocery shopping after the baby went to bed to get items for the cookout on Monday. That’s on top of usual morning rush, working full time, squeezing in some quality family time each evening, making dinner, bathing and bedding kids. </p> <p>This is probably more of a vent than anything and probably fueled by an abnormally busy few weeks, but I think that it's really hard to grasp how much your life will change before you have kids, even just the mundane day to day... I miss doing nothing :silly: </p>