https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 12 Apr 2026 13:20:09 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835551 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 15:29:45 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2835551@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: I'm so sorry for the loss. How tragic. This brings back horrible memories (that have affected me through today) about a little boy in my 3rd grade class who came down his driveway on his bike, a car didn't see him, hit him, and killed him. I remember going to school and learning about it, and my mom did take me to his funeral. It was tough for sure, but I was glad to be able to go. It was one of the first times I really understood how stuff like that worked. I can't say my mom was great at letting me share my feelings, but I think letting me go was the right choice. I was also a little older though too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835548 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 15:20:16 +0000 Bluebonnet 2835548@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: This is such a tough situation. You've been given a lot of good advice above.</p> <p>My LOs are 6 &amp; 4 and they've unfortunately been to 2 funerals in the past year (family members). They handled both funerals really well. In both cases, there were a lot of kids in attendance and the kids all played together at the receptions. </p> <p>Both situations opened the door for great conversations with our kids about feelings. I think it was good for LOs to see DH and I are sometimes sad, and that it is okay to be sad. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835520 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 13:47:40 +0000 kiddosc 2835520@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hummusgirl: @MrsBucky: These are both great tips. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835518 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 13:36:28 +0000 MrsBucky 2835518@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. In your shoes, I think I would try to gauge what I thought would be best for my particular kid, which is really hard to know sometimes. The reality is that you cannot shield your child from the fact that his classmate died, so the question is really the best way to help him process that reality. My kiddo is only 3, but even by 4 or 5 I think I'd be talking to him about what happened, and that funerals are a way we mourn and support those still alive. I'd explain what it will probably be like and ask him if he'd like to go, or if he would like to honor his classmate in a different way, making it clear that either choice is really fine. He may surprise you in having a strong preference one way or the other. It will also open the dialogue with him, which I think is the healthiest thing you can do for him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835513 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 13:23:23 +0000 hummusgirl 2835513@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry. I don't know if I would take the kid to the funeral but I definitely would involve them in doing something for the family - maybe writing a card sharing a memory and sending it to them, bringing food, making a donation in his memory, etc. Show him that even in a situation where you don't have much control, you can make a difference to his family and help keep his memory alive. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835507 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 13:05:15 +0000 kiddosc 2835507@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just wanted to bump this for the workday crowd to get some more opinions. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835258 Sat, 21 Jul 2018 19:38:49 +0000 kiddosc 2835258@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I emailed the principal to see if there is a vigil in the works and am waiting to hear back. Some of the other moms from class were interested in helping to plan one, so we'll likely go that route if we have the school's/family's blessing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835257 Sat, 21 Jul 2018 19:36:41 +0000 kiddosc 2835257@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mama Bird: He'll still be in school with the twin, so there's no way to avoid the situation all together. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835255 Sat, 21 Jul 2018 17:25:52 +0000 Mama Bird 2835255@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: oh, that's terrible! I think since they weren't close friends, I'd skip the funeral. I'm worried it would be much too traumatic for a six-year-old. If they were good friends my answer would be different, but as it is... might be easier to tell him a bit later.</p> <p>I don't know. A girl in my K class was also hit by a car and died :bummed: We weren't close, and I didn't find out until a couple of years later. I just assumed she'd moved away or something. I'm not sure that's the right way to do things either, but I can see where my parents were coming from when they didn't tell me right away. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835220 Sat, 21 Jul 2018 13:08:25 +0000 FaithFertility 2835220@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: Hmmmm.. that's hard! I remember my first wake and it was at CCD when the pastor passed, They took us all down, and I had NEVER been to a funeral or had any death in my family that I was aware of, I think I was around 10<br /> I was very upset!</p> <p>Maybe talk about it after you go, talk about where you went etc... then do a special goodbye like the balloon release!</p> <p>So hard, I'm sorry </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835211 Sat, 21 Jul 2018 10:51:22 +0000 kiddosc 2835211@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Madison43: this is my concern, that a child’s funeral would be too intense. If it was an elederly grandparent I wouldn’t hesitate to bring him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835210 Sat, 21 Jul 2018 10:51:16 +0000 Pollywog 2835210@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd do the wake or viewing. Be sure to prepare him for it (there will be lots of people. They will be sad and grown ups will be crying. You'll need to go up to his mommy and daddy with me and tell them how sorry you are that your friend is gone. After that we may talk to friends and then we will go to a playground and get dinner). </p> <p>If you are Catholic and they are Catholic I'd take him to the funeral (no eulogy, seems like an ordinary mass). Otherwise I'd skip the funeral. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835207 Sat, 21 Jul 2018 10:45:54 +0000 Madison43 2835207@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wouldn’t take him. The first wake I even went to was for a classmates sister - I was in middle school and I remember every second of it, and not in a good way. Children’s funerals are incredibly intense and I think too intense for young kids. By contrast, a classmate died of cancer when I was in second grade and our school had an in school memorial for her and I have positive memories of that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835188 Sat, 21 Jul 2018 08:59:34 +0000 Boopers 2835188@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When my nephew passed away (he was 7), it was during the school year and the school planned a balloon release with his class on the playground as a way for his classmates to say goodbye in a less traumatizing way than a funeral. I don’t remember if anyone from his class or school came to the viewing or funeral, but that’s not to say anyone didn’t. I would contact the school and see if they have anything planned. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835180 Sat, 21 Jul 2018 06:04:36 +0000 Becky 2835180@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would go. I attended a wake and memorial service for a friend when I was a little older (I think 8), and granted there is a lot of development that goes on between 6 and 8, I would have been angry if my parents hadn’t taken me. She was homeschooled so I hadn’t actually seen her since the summer (it was late fall/early winter). I actually wrote about both events in my journal, which I came across recently. It was mostly about how peaceful she looked and how not banged up (car accident; she was in the ICU where my mom worked and my mom had explained she might look awful). The memorial was really well-planned: the family was very religious, and they basically led us through a quiet contemplation where we could sit and write down our thoughts and our memories about my friend. I feel like the wake really sticks out to me as a developmental moment. I wanted to know what her other family members who had been in the accident looked like and how they felt, and how she looked. Even that young it struck me how your life has to go on, because her 2 y/o sister was climbing all over the chairs and they had to keep corralling her. After the memorial I remember being so glad that the family was going to be okay because they had turned to their faith so fully, and I felt kind of panicked because I wasn’t religious and that led me down a whole different path which included a lot of conversations with my mom, who is Catholic, about religion. </p> <p>Sorry this is so rambling, but I would take him. There will be closure, and he will probably ask a lot of questions or just have many of his questions answered by the experience.</p> <p>Edited to add: I wouldn’t go to the funeral. That should be a personal event for the family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835172 Fri, 20 Jul 2018 23:28:11 +0000 Hypatia 2835172@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I read an article about this recently where psychologists were interviewed about whether children should attend funerals. All of them said that kids should come, because it gives a sense of closure. I'll see if I can find it and post it here.</p> <p>Of course, just because they advised to do it doesn't automatically mean you should. If I were you, I'd probably opt for the vigil, if they have one, because that basically serves the same purpose as a funeral when it comes to closure.</p> <p>I've been thinking about this a lot because my inlaws are in their late 70's, and I don't know what we'll do if one of them passes in the near future. I attended four funerals when I was a child (all close family members who lived with us or next door), and I don't think I was traumatized by the funerals themselves. But it's going to be especially confusing for our kids considering that we are atheists but the inlaws are not, so there would be a lot of talk about heaven and Jesus and stuff at a funeral that might be upsetting to them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835166 Fri, 20 Jul 2018 22:12:57 +0000 Sams Mom 2835166@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: that would be a good route, they might also have grief counselors available at that kind of thing which would be very helpful for the parents helping their child[ren] process it.</p> <p>I just remembered one of my nieces friends (7 years old) accidentally hung herself in a total freak accident. My sister said my niece handled the school vigil at the playground well, but didn't even try the funeral service. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835164 Fri, 20 Jul 2018 22:06:42 +0000 kiddosc 2835164@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Sams Mom: the school district has been in contact with everyone and I’m hoping that they plan a memorial or vigil. I think that will be a better experience for the kids. I should email the principal about it and see if that is being thought of. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835163 Fri, 20 Jul 2018 22:00:11 +0000 Sams Mom 2835163@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would probably take him to a memorial or vigil (not the roadside one) if the town/family had one. The funeral might not be too bad depending on your son's understanding and personality, but not stay for the whole thing maybe? Just the visitation before the service? </p> <p>Personally I am traumatized by my first funeral @ 5 years old (my uncle); but I'm pretty sure certain family members could traumatize anyone adult or child. (I have 2 aunts, one happened to be the widow at this one; and they wailed and shrieked through the whole thing). </p> <p>TL;DR Feel out the situation after you and your husband tell him that it has happened. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835161 Fri, 20 Jul 2018 21:51:50 +0000 Jennibenni 2835161@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh no, how awful. I’m so sorry. I really don’t know what I would do but I do remember going to my greatgrandmas funeral at six and I knew going in what a funeral was and had a general idea of what to expect just from movies/tv I guess. It wasn’t a totally foreign concept to me at that age. I personally would not feel comfortable going to the roadside spot, that sounds trauma inducing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/taking-child-to-a-classmates-funeral#post-2835159 Fri, 20 Jul 2018 21:41:13 +0000 kiddosc 2835159@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We just found out yesterday that a classmate and friend of our 6 year old was struck by a truck when riding his bike last weekend and killed. The boys have been in the same class for the last two years and while we didn’t typically socialize outside of school events and birthday parties they were a family that we would stop and talk to if we ever saw them out in public. DH is currently out of the country and we are waiting to tell E until he returns in a few days. E has only experienced the death of a pet before and I don’t really know how he’ll take it. </p> <p> I’m wondering how many people would consider taking their 6 year old to the funeral of a classmate. I was planning to see how he processed the news and asking him if he wanted to go, but really he has no idea what he’s getting into. The boy who died was a twin and I also thought that seeing the other twin may be helpful. </p> <p>The alternative is that I take him to the roadside memorial and we leave something there as a way to say goodbye. But typing that out seems traumatic as well... here is the spot where your friend died? Our whole school community is so shaken by all of this and I don’t even know where to begin. </p>