https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 10 Apr 2026 11:57:29 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2703564 Mon, 27 Feb 2017 17:44:26 +0000 Tionn3 2703564@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetiePie: He agreed we should limit what we tell them. I was really happy with that compromise. It puts some space between us and them. I think it will be good for us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2703561 Mon, 27 Feb 2017 17:38:01 +0000 SweetiePie 2703561@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Tionn3: still following a long.<br /> I think that limiting your sharing is a good way to go. How receptive was your husband? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2703548 Mon, 27 Feb 2017 17:00:54 +0000 Tionn3 2703548@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM: This is a really good video. It definitely hit it on the nail. Too bad my father in law is a dingbat and wouldn't get it even if I sent it to him. I don't think my mother in law would get it either. </p> <p>I decided against talking to them this weekend. Instead I told my husband he is not share things about our infertility with them...or basically anything else like finances, plans for the future. They basically have zero boundaries, and they just can't help themselves. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2703367 Mon, 27 Feb 2017 12:06:07 +0000 MaryM 2703367@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For those that DO want to help people understand the struggle, I've found this video super helpful at getting people to understand the difference between empathy and sympathy...and how UNhelpful any statement beginning with "at least" can be. </p> <p><a href="https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw" rel="nofollow">https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2703083 Sun, 26 Feb 2017 15:50:34 +0000 Mrs.Pinecone316 2703083@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>People just say stupid things because they don't know what else to say. I remember the hurt a lot of people I loved caused me during my struggles with infertility but I just let them roll off me because they just didn't get it. I would just tell them less, and not go to them for support. I personally wouldn't say anything I just wouldn't have him be a person I would talk to about it any further. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702767 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 22:46:25 +0000 periwinklebee 2702767@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Tionn3: :heart: I think all the comments here are great - I found it really helpful to read them myself and don't have a lot to add - but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. </p> <p>We haven't told many people that we were trying - or had a loss. The downside is that it can feel really lonely, I feel like I'm going through this incredibly consuming process that has affected pretty much every aspect of my life both physically and emotionally, and yet whoever I'm talking to has no idea. But I know my family and my in-laws and for various reasons and after a lot of thought, I'd rather just not go there. </p> <p>@SweetiePie: I feel like "oh that's so common, at least you know you can get pregnant" is the most common response to loss, from people who are trained to interact with people with IF and loss. My fertility acupuncturist said that to me today, verbatim, when I explained that I'd recently had a D&amp;E, I got the same thing from the nurses at the hospital and a friend I told about our loss who also happens to be an IVF nurse. I understand that people mean well, and I guess they are just trying to underscore that you're not alone and to find a silver lining. But I would have expected people who are used to having these interactions to just say "I'm so sorry" and leave it at that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702743 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 18:52:16 +0000 Tionn3 2702743@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ElbieKay: Oh no, that is terrible about the gossiping and the nagging about having a second child .My MIL and FIL have said things in the past about IVF and other infertility treatments that have led me to believe that they won't be supportive of us during this time. They are also not supportive about group therapy or other psychological therapy options either, and I have hid that from them that I have sought those forms of help. They also gossip sometimes about other people in ways that make me wonder if they talk about me behind my back. It's so sad =/ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702733 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 17:54:45 +0000 ElbieKay 2702733@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I only read a few of the responses, but I just want to say that it's ok to stop sharing further information with them if they are going to be insensitive. I trust neither my parents nor my MIL to be sufficiently sensitive so have shared zero information regarding our secondary fertility struggles. Likewise, none of them know that I have had two miscarriages. I just don't want to go down that conversational path.</p> <p>My mom thinks nothing of gossiping to me about her friends' children's miscarriages. I hate it. These are people that I knew as a child but have no adult relationship with. It makes me uncomfortable to know such personal information. That is why I don't trust her with my personal information.</p> <p>And my MIL sometimes nags us about having a second child. It's a great way to make me want to put lots of distance between us! All I want to do is yell, "Lady, that decision is none of your business!" But she probably would not want me to call her Lady :-P </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702690 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 15:30:14 +0000 MrsSRS 2702690@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sometimes, with the right people, it can be very effective to start crying. Then walk away. Instead of stuffing my emotions down once or twice I just let myself burst into tears. Only in front of people I knew were well meaning, amd they were horrified that they had been hurtful. Otherwise I also like the calm, pre-practiced statement. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702687 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 15:25:58 +0000 SweetiePie 2702687@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM: Wow, that's actually great that she had the realization on her own.<br /> And I hadn't thought about relating it to other things - like being single, for example. I'll have to remember that if it's someone I'm close to. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702685 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 15:22:06 +0000 Tionn3 2702685@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Starfish: Thanks for the articles. I may send these out at some point. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702683 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 15:21:23 +0000 MaryM 2702683@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetiePie: I saw the lightbulb go off for a friend a few weeks ago, and it was amazing. </p> <p>She started to say "This couple I know was trying for so long and not getting pregnant, and now they have four kids!"</p> <p>And then for some reason...it sunk in for her. And she was able to say "That's not very helpful is it?"</p> <p>Knowing she's similarly frustrated with her singleness I said "You know how people tell you when you stop looking you'll find him? My version of that is "Just relax! It'll happen!""</p> <p>And we were able to laugh about it and I know she finally understood how frustrating unsolicited advice can be. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702672 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 15:13:33 +0000 SweetiePie 2702672@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@psw27: Yeah, my mom is pretty chill too. She minds her own business but she's there if you need her. I really hope I can be that way! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702669 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 15:12:35 +0000 SweetiePie 2702669@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM: Agree that most people aren't trying to be mean or rude or insensitive. I think they just say things to be light hearted or they think that by minimizing it that will make us feel better. Like it's not a big deal so don't sweat it (more than just my MIL said IVF wasn't a big deal anymore. And to hear someone else say they had a loss helped, but for someone who never had one to say "oh that's so common, at least you know you can get pregnant" was a punch to the gut).<br /> But they don't get that even if something is more common or routine, it's still a BFD. To want something so badly and see so many people getting it so easily is torture. I remember after my two losses I would see a pregnant woman walking down the street and I was just in awe. Literally in awe - like wow, how did she do that? How did she get pregnant and stay pregnant? It was baffling and then of course upsetting because why couldn't I do that? Did she do IVF? But majority of people who saw the same woman probably just thought "oh there's another one".<br /> IF and losses give us a mindset that you can only understand if you've been there.<br /> (What's frustrating is that my MIL did suffer some form of IF and she's still a clueless dingdong. But, I digress). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702659 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 15:05:52 +0000 psw27 2702659@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Tionn3: You would think that saying "we are struggling to get/stay pregnant" is enough to trigger some sort of sensitivity but.... people are dense. </p> <p>@SweetiePie: Ha. Sadly, we might. But my mom is a good MIL to my SIL - at least I think. My mom never asks about having a baby or barges into their lives for long visits! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702658 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 15:04:23 +0000 Tionn3 2702658@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM: That is a good point, and I like your husband's response. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702655 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 15:02:56 +0000 MaryM 2702655@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Tionn3: The most charitable thing we've come up with to say to people who push about why we don't have kids or that we should have kids, etc., is that DH will say "Sometimes, it's just not that easy"</p> <p>We figure if we tell someone we have IF or are struggling, it sort of opens the door for them to ask prying questions or saying things that might be hurtful. But by being vague, they normally get the point and change the subject. We've only really talked about IF with other people that are going through it or really close friends that we know will react appropriately. </p> <p>While I wish it could be a less taboo subject, I think it still is mostly because people don't realize how insensitive their gut reactions can be. And we prefer to not have to deal with risking that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702654 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 15:02:23 +0000 SweetiePie 2702654@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@psw27: :heart: :heart: :heart:<br /> Will we all become crazy MILs someday? :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702652 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 15:01:36 +0000 Tionn3 2702652@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@psw27: My mother in law is closed off, and not emotional, so I never see the point in sharing things with her. I have a hard time reading her. Sometimes I feel like she likes my SIL better because they have a baby...which sucks. My FIL is more emotional and open, but entirely clueless at the same time. I didn't even really want to tell them about the infertility testing, because we had already mentioned that we were having trouble and I thought that was sufficient. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702650 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 15:00:52 +0000 Mrs. Starfish 2702650@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I totally understand your point of view here and I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that comment. When I was in the midst of infertility, it just felt like all of my family members inevitably said the wrong thing. When that happened, I would stop the conversation by saying that I found the comment hurtful or painful and then I would leave the conversation. I would then email them a few articles from RESOLVE in a polite but direct tone: <a href="http://www.resolve.org/support/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.resolve.org/support/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html</a></p> <p><a href="http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html</a></p> <p>In the end, most of them apologized to me after reading the articles, and were pretty upset with themselves for their insensitivity. But I also will agree with a lot of the posters here who kept infertility private and away from family - we took that approach at the very end of our 3-year "journey" and I found it to be such a relief. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702648 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 14:59:03 +0000 Tionn3 2702648@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM: Thanks for the insight! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702647 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 14:56:30 +0000 psw27 2702647@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetiePie: :heart: sorry about your MIL. I also keep things to myself because of my MILs crazy levels of anxiety about everything. I can't imagine what she would be like if we went through IVF. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702643 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 14:54:21 +0000 MaryM 2702643@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Tionn3: I would agree on only saying something if it happens again. </p> <p>And in my case, I handle my family, DH handles his. I make sure he knows what my triggers are so that if someone says something insensitive, he knows that I need him to say something for me (a lot of our triggers are loss related, so if I attempted to say anything back I'd most likely lose it). </p> <p>In general, though, we don't really talk about what testing we're going through and stuff like that except to people who are truly interested, understanding, and would just simply "get" it. </p> <p>His family only gets the basics because his mom thinks his sister has MS because she had a head injury once (I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way). And when my 5 year (at the time) old nephew had cancer, she said God made it happen so that he could be healed and people would believe. So medically (and religiously), we don't really see eye to eye. I'm not sure DH may or may not tell her on his own, but I don't share too much with them. </p> <p>But my SIL is interested and intrigued by what I've learned through IF, and my mom is a nurse and understands the basics of medicine, so I share more openly with them. </p> <p>I'm pretty sure if DH's family knew how many pills and shots I take, they'd think I was fully off my rocker. So I just avoid it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702636 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 14:49:12 +0000 snarkybiochemist 2702636@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Tionn3: They are opening themselves up for comebacks if they are commenting on something very personal </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702632 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 14:46:06 +0000 SweetiePie 2702632@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@psw27: I LOVE that prepared response! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702631 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 14:45:50 +0000 Tionn3 2702631@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@snarkybiochemist: yeah they really don't have boundaries. My husband has been slow to enforce boundaries, but he's getting better at it, specifically when it comes to money...I want to have assurance that my husband will have my back if stupid advice about infertility is offered again...but I think relying on my comeback is probably the best option. I feel bad though, I'm not fun when I have a good comeback lined up...I'm swift and sharp. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702630 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 14:45:34 +0000 SweetiePie 2702630@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wouldn't mention anything until they did it again. I think it's better to correct and share your feelings in the moment vs bringing it up after a couple of weeks out of what feels like left field to them (even though it's clearly been on your mind for 2 weeks, it hasn't been on theirs).<br /> It sounds like this is a regular occurrence for them so I would just let it happen and then say something.<br /> But, I'm pretty non confrontational...so maybe My answer isn't the best way to handle :-)</p> <p>I did IVF for our son 3 years ago. One of my biggest regrets is letting anyone in our families know. I am very personal though - so I didn't like them knowing our timeline or asking how it was going.<br /> I eventually told both sides (but mostly my MIL) that I didn't want to talk about it at all. My MIL and I aren't close, but she wants to be (super overbearing). I just didn't feel comfortable talking about my TTC journey with her, but my husband felt that if my mom knew his should know. My FIL is also pretty insensitive and has zero tact, so I really didn't want to discuss it with him.<br /> Sure enough, like HOURS after my husband told her I'm not comfortable talking about this and please don't mention it, she tried to have a heart to heart with me about it. Thanksgiving Day, nonetheless. She did one cycle on clomid to conceive my husband and she thought that sorta gave her the right to talk about it despite my wishes. Anyway, I literally turned around and walked away while she was mid sentence. That seemed to do the trick. Lol. But I could do that since I clearly had already let her know it was off limits.<br /> She also later told my husband IVF isn't a big deal anymore. Okayyyyy....WTF?</p> <p>Blahhhh blah blah - all of this to say, if you wait till they mention it - then state calmly in the moment that it's upsetting and to limit their comments to those of support - and if they do it again or don't respond appropriately, then you can be a bit more angry or aggressive. </p> <p>It also sounds like maybe they don't know much about infertility if they are making those kinds of comments. So I would take advantage of that and give them as little info as possible about what you're doing and timeline. But again, that's me. </p> <p>Lastly - we have done 2 more rounds of IVF for LO2. It has not been successful. But we haven't told ANY of our family this time. We learned from last time. It's SO much less stressful knowing that my MIL isn't like tracking my cycle. I don't need her or even my mom/sister who I'm close with knowing when I will be POAS. I have told those I wanted to tell (other IF friends for example) and that has been all the support I need. If we get pregnant again, I'm literally not telling any family until I cannot possibly hide it any longer. Hopefully like 20 weeks. Lol. </p> <p>I feel like this is a super long rant so I apologize. :silly: It's just fresh on my mind and hits home. I feel for you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702627 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 14:42:53 +0000 psw27 2702627@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Tionn3: I think being prepared to say something if someone (FIL or otherwise) makes a dumb comment is a good move. I have had to do this recently with my MIL - I just have a stock answer for her when she makes one particular comment I can't stand. It's short, to the point and direct. I agree, avoiding family and not being straightforward are no way to live. So come up with something that makes you feel like you've defended your position - like "Infertility is not fun practice, it is quite difficult and I don't appreciate your comment" and keep it in your back pocket until you need it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702625 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 14:41:03 +0000 snarkybiochemist 2702625@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Tionn3: Yes have a comeback prepared for when they do say something but otherwise probably not worth trying. It sounds like they are going to say crappy things no matter what. Since your in-laws seem to be the biggest problem preserving that relationship while setting up boundaries is probably for the best. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/talk-to-family-about-infertility#post-2702623 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 14:36:52 +0000 erinbaderin 2702623@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I get it - I spent five years trying to have my first baby and people said things all the time that they thought were jokes or just idle comments that hurt me. But I wouldn't bring it up - I know it upset you but to him, it was a throwaway joke. If he says something again I would definitely say that you find it hurtful and if they can't offer sympathy you would prefer that they not discuss it with you, but I would just try to accept that they don't understand and not count on them for support. </p>