https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 07 Apr 2026 22:35:23 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience/page/2#post-2855862 Fri, 09 Nov 2018 08:27:36 +0000 foodiebee 2855862@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetCaroline: Totally stealing the oatmeal chocolate chip cookies idea! :wink: </p> <p>@irene: Yeah, DH really likes the suggestions posted here about holding off on telling everyone about labor so that we know people won't be showing up during that time. So sorry to hear about your experience! It does sound so stressful and difficult on everyone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience/page/2#post-2855831 Thu, 08 Nov 2018 21:53:31 +0000 irene 2855831@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>To answer the OP question, no we didn't have to balance nothing because my in-laws didn't even know we were having a baby :grin: They only knew after my baby was born. If you knew my FIL you wouldn't let him know too during the process.</p> <p>It was a disaster. If I had to do it over again, I would have just wing it and not have anyone over, ever. I would cook a bunch of freezer meals and kept it in the freezer and that's about it.</p> <p>My mom knew about my pregnancy, and because I read everywhere that it would be a time that I need the most help with, I begged my mom to come. She REFUSED, but I basically forced her to come. She had to fly from Hong Kong to come here. It was quite a mayhem. All was well before my baby was born and we treated her like a guest and we took care of her. The thing is, after I went to the hospital, it was really hard for DH because he had to take care of me and my mom at home, who has no car and couldn't get around. After we got home, there was a lot of stress because DH was kinda in a post-partum depression mode, and there was quite a bit of disagreement between my mom and him. DH blurbed out comments that my mom took in and held a grudge on. And my mom ended up getting quite sick with a cold when she was about to leave. Everyone was miserable. Looking back it would have been better if she wasn't here and we'll just figure it out on our own. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience/page/2#post-2855828 Thu, 08 Nov 2018 20:33:49 +0000 SweetCaroline 2855828@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@foodiebee: When my daughter was born, we informed our family that only grandparents were welcome to visit us at the hospital. I had a 40 hour labor, finally went to the hospital at 11pm. By the time baby was born the next day at 2pm, both sets of grandparents were pacing the waiting room. While I was getting stitched up, I saw my in-laws' feet under the curtain and I said (through gritted teeth) "Get them out of here." {like seriously...most vulnerable moment ever}. My mom texted me 2 different times while I was trying to nurse for the first time (did not go well) and then while I was trying to shower/get cleaned up. For our next child I will request no visitors, period. DD won't be allowed in anyways, so that makes it easy--she gets to meet baby first, and grandparents will be taking care of her anyway.</p> <p>Once we were home, it was just DH and I for a week, figuring our new life out. My mom came 2-3 days after DH went back to work and she stayed for 3 days or so. She cooked, did laundry and held the baby while I rested. She also called me out for attempting to be super woman and made me rest. I don't really remember my in-laws presence a whole lot. They did come over with DH's siblings and brought pizza one night, so the siblings could meet baby.</p> <p>With a future baby, if grandparents want to know how they can help I will request meals, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, muffins and also for them to take DD outside and run her around (very specific! :silly: ). Also, for them to hold baby while DD, DH and I play a game or something.</p> <p>Think about what you want and be very direct when you ask for it. This is up to you and DH and it does not matter what anyone else thinks or feels. This is only the beginning of you setting boundaries for your new family! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience/page/2#post-2855665 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 22:49:38 +0000 LCTBQE 2855665@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@foodiebee: didn't read every response but what I noticed about your post was that it's all about what other people want to do. what do YOU want? because you get to decide :) so choose what would make you feel comfortable, happy, and supported. </p> <p>I know it's easier said than done, but IMO this is the part where family politics/drama can take a back seat--no one needs to get butt-hurt about having to wait another week or two. What is *truly* nice and helpful is family not putting their ego stuff on you when your prerogative has suddenly become taking care of beautiful baby 24 hours a day. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience/page/2#post-2855646 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 19:31:44 +0000 MrsBucky 2855646@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@foodiebee: I have read the responses and just wanted to add a few things fwiw. The first time we didn’t even tell anyone I was in labor- I didn’t want anyone to know because it felt like more pressure I didn’t need. Both my mom and my MIL were awesome at being helpful- cooking, doing dishes, going along with whatever worked for me. I didn’t have to entertain them, they went to the grocery store and kept us fed and the house from falling into disrepair. I personally didn’t care if people saw me breastfeeding, so my rule was anyone who wanted to visit had to be ok with seeing my boobs. If you feel differently, definitely give yourself some space! Also, I wouldn’t want anyone around that I didn’t feel comfortable being totally raw with who would also be really helpful. My mom was willing to take the 3-5 am shift when the baby was fed but not sleeping/ wanted to be held, for example. Huge! Anyway, just some additional stream of consciousness thoughts as I nursed baby #2 😋 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855638 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 19:12:28 +0000 Mama Bird 2855638@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow, that's really not good. I've heard many many times that you have to start setting parenting boundaries early, or some people will walk all over you. You and your husband decide what works. Your mom should not be deciding for you. Maybe there's room for compromise, but that's just not her decision.</p> <p>FWIW, my mom showed up in the delivery room the first time, which was not good. I won't say she was completely unwelcome, but I'd rather not have her seeing me like this, and I feel like she took advantage of me being slightly incapacitated to come when she knew we hadn't asked. She also looked slightly distressed and queasy the whole time, and I felt bad for her and wish she'd spared herself the experience. I'm sure she had a much closer view of the gross parts than I did.</p> <p>Postpartum, I really didn't like having any visitors, because mostly they needed to be fed and entertained, and no one ever did the dishes, and I didn't want to nurse around them but had nowhere to step out to. The nursing part wasn't so awkward if it was my mom or MIL, but I had to rudely tell my father and brother to stop showing up to "keep me company" after a few weeks of them not getting the hint. I did have a horrid recovery the first time, so maybe some real help would have been welcome but thankfully I didn't have to decide if our relatives' help is worth the trouble because DH's office was damaged in a natural disaster and he ended up working from home for weeks. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855627 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 17:34:46 +0000 Chuckles 2855627@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@foodiebee: I agree with everyone about deciding what might be best for you, DH, and baby, and then just telling everyone else the plan. If they are upset that sucks, but your recovery and initial bonding time are more important.</p> <p> I agree with @mrs. Champagne: in the first few weeks after birth you're going to be waddling around, potentially topless a lot, uncomfortable, and hormonal (yay birth!). Learning to breastfeed can be stressful and take a lot of time. I had milk shooting out everywhere. I personally wouldn't be comfortable with anyone being my space for extended periods during that time, but it depends on how close and comfortable you are with your mom and MIL. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855620 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 17:00:46 +0000 Pollywog 2855620@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Here are my rambling thoughts. Grandparents have no rights or responsibilities. Your mom and MIL may have preferences, but you and your husband need to do what's best for your family and need to reserve the right to change your mind as your needs change.</p> <p>My story is my in-laws are local and parents are 6 hours away. Neither were invited while I was in labor and I really wanted my parents to meet the baby first. My labor happened really fast and the baby was born before people knew I was in labor. Both grandparents visited us at the hospital. My in-laws stopped by a few times to show off the baby in the first few weeks and my parents came to visit two weeks after we got home. I needed help cleaning, cooking,and shopping and ended up not getting it and having to host lots of guests. </p> <p>My mom was supposed to come down at 38+4 for LO2, but he didn't want to wait. Our childcare plans fell through and we ended up calling my in-laws to get my toddler from the hospital (and I ate my words of never wanting them near the hospital when I was in labor. I was so grateful they came). They ended up meeting the baby before my parents because they were already there. My mom came for 24 hours and left us to "bond". Again, I wish I had help. Handling a toddler and newborn 28 hours postpartum with no food in the house was tough. But we had relatively few visitors so at least I wasn't hosting this time.</p> <p>We had lots of help over the first 3 months and my MIL was much more helpful than my mom. She had nursed and helped me with my latch. My mom felt like she was a failure because she couldn't (clearly she wasn't-- I thrived on formula). Similarly my MIL is a huge baby person and my mom just isn't into babies. I definitely scheduled my mom's visits for farther out when the baby was more fun.</p> <p>In your shoes, talk to your husband about what you both want. It is fine to ask people to delay visits or to get a hotel. But it's also fine to have lots of help. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855608 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 16:37:58 +0000 BadgerMom 2855608@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@foodiebee: I don't really have anything to add, I think everyone's responses have been spot on. I just want to say that if you don't think your mom will cook and clean I would be very hesitant to have her stay immediately after birth. I found that to be a super stressful time when you're just trying to figure everything out and your emotions are all out of wack, it's really just survival. I would have found having someone else's strong opinion (and mother's opinions usually tend to come on quite strong) during that time SUPER unwelcome. My guess is your mother will have some wildly different opinions on baby care than what is recommended now just because of when she had kids, (ie. nursing, sleeping on back, etc.). You'll be in a much better place emotionally to handle all that a few weeks in. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855599 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 16:09:10 +0000 youboots 2855599@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@YogiRunner: yes! I agree.</p> <p>No one was there for the birth. MIL showed up at the hospital but we did not let her in until I was ready which was several hours ready as we had previously expressed that we did not want anyone showing up. If my labor had be easier/quicker I probably would not have told anyone we were even there. But we kept family informed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855584 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 15:04:20 +0000 periwinklebee 2855584@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>MIL was there before/when the baby was born (but not in the delivery room). There was a quick fight with DH about whether she would ride to the hospital with us when I was in labor - DH knew in advance I did not want this and put his foot down very hard and told her to leave. She was not vey respectful of our wishes (i.e. kept taking photos with flash when we told her not to) and ended up getting in a huge fight with DH in the hospital lobby while we were waiting for the valet to bring the car. It sucked but did not ruin my birth experience. </p> <p>My mom wanted to be there for the birth but had very limited vacation leave and I politely pointed out that the baby might be late and she would not get to see LO at all if she came for the due date. She was very upset with me for an extended period as she interpreted it as me not wanting her there for the birth, but in the end chose to come a couple of weeks after the birth. It was a good thing, as LO did indeed arrived over a week late. </p> <p>In an ideal world we would have had family all come a bit later, as my parents ultimately ended up doing. But arguing for that wasn't a hill I was willing to die on. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855577 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 14:47:53 +0000 foodiebee 2855577@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh my goodness, so many good responses!!! Thank you again, everyone, I'm seriously taking notes!</p> <p>@Anagram: Good question! My mom and I don't have a strained relationship, per se, but we lead different lives and have different interests that don't overlap. We've both tried hard over the years to keep a good and friendly relationship. But ... she's only come to see me twice in 16 years for a weekend each time. I have to go to her. So, I have no idea whether she would be helpful or want to be entertained because I have such little experience with her visiting. </p> <p>@Mrs. Champagne: @JennyPenny: I do plan to BF, and I have been worried about what that would look like no matter if it's my mom or in-laws. My mom and I are not so close that I would be comfortable naked in front of her. I picture having to leave the room no matter which scenario it is unfortunately. </p> <p>@hellobeeboston: As I read everyone's responses, I've been wondering about the helping topic. Dinner, dishes, general tidying, etc. My mom doesn't cook, so meals are out. She could do the dishes I bet, but she's not a tidy person, so I don't know that she'd clean my house. To be honest, I don't know what she would do except give me her opinion on things (her way of being supportive) and Be Present. I honestly just can't picture her doing anything else. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855574 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 14:28:18 +0000 Foodnerd81 2855574@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can only comment on what I liked or wanted after birth. I have a pretty close relationship with my mom, and I like my MIL a lot, but she’s not my own mom. Luckily, almost as soon as we told mil I was pregnant she said she would like to come and stay after the baby was born but that of course I would want my own my there first. Which I did. </p> <p>They staggered their visits so my mom came up (5 hours drive away) right after the birth, then she went home for a week and came back and stayed for a week. I personally liked havig the time home alone with me, DH, and the new baby. I didn’t have a c/s and had a pretty easy recovery- I don’t know if I would have wanted more help of recovery had been worse. MIL came out a few days after my mom left and stayed with us for about a week. By then I felt more comfortable wth things, wasn’t leaking and figuring out breastfeeding quite so much, and having some help so I could shower in peace and things like that were nice. </p> <p>Good luck. I hope you can figure out what will make YOU the most comfortable and supported- remember you are the one giving birth, not either parent, and no one has a “right” to your baby but you and your husband. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855568 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 14:13:33 +0000 hellobeeboston 2855568@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@foodiebee: oh that’s tricky .... </p> <p>we decided early on that both sides would visit in the hospital with my first. And my mom would stay with me the first week I was home with the baby. </p> <p>With my second my mom just waited until I was home from the hospital and came up to stay. MIL came to hospital. </p> <p>Mine are only a few hours away so it’s a little easier. I do think it’s nice to have your own mom there (as long as she’s helping) those first days when you’re recovering And getting used to a new normal. My mom always made us dinner, cleaned up, and was just general moral support. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855565 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 14:03:03 +0000 alphagam84 2855565@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Don't have anyone there for the birth, it's something for you and your husband to experience. We did no visitors for the first two weeks and it was great. You don't want people in your house underfoot when you get home from the hospital. Let the mothers take turns visiting after two weeks has passed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855551 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 13:20:45 +0000 codeitall 2855551@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So much good feedback here, I love Hellobee :)</p> <p>I had the first grandbaby on both sides of the family that both live more than a day away, so everyone was still figuring it out. For me, my first was actually pretty easy. Recovery wasn't hard and DH and I were able to fully focus on DS. I'm a very private person so no one even asked about the delivery room. I know my SIL had my MIL at hers and I'm sooooooooo thankful we're different people! I let people come visit in the hospital, but that was prioritized by who was closer and since the in-laws were in town for the holidays, they were first.</p> <p>My mother said they would come when we wanted them and I'm so grateful she made it entirely my decision. They live a day's drive away, so it was an extended weekend visit for them two weeks after he was born and after my in-laws had left.</p> <p>No one was allowed to stay at my house either. We didn't have a guest room and that put an end to that.</p> <p>DH was so annoyed when my mom did the laundry and cleaned our bathroom. So make sure you're both on the same page as to what's helpful vs annoying.</p> <p>My last thought is that your second child actually is harder. Because you have your first that still needs attention and is adjusting to having a baby in the house while you are recovering and not sleeping. My in-laws suck at playing more than 5 minutes with DS, so they came to meet the baby while my parents came right after DD was born to spend time with DS while we rebalanced. That was actually very helpful. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855548 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 13:09:22 +0000 JennyPenny 2855548@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>And to add to what @Mrs. Champagne said - I also find it annoying to have to leave to feed the baby. But I hated more that DH would feel like he needed to stay and keep the company company rather than be helpful himself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855545 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 13:02:00 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 2855545@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Keep in mind you’re not just going to be tired, but you’ll be sore (probably) and half naked a lot (if you plan to bf). </p> <p>I’d find it super annoying if I had to keep leaving the room to bees the baby (often and takes a long time) while my in-laws hung around. Mine came to visit just for the weekend when baby #1 was 2 weeks old and it was annoying. Fine. But annoying. If they are helpful and respectful it will be ok - but having extra hands never equaled more sleep for me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855543 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 12:59:58 +0000 MamaBear87 2855543@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have time to read all above at the moment but my take is this. If you would like someone else to be there to help, pick based on who will actually help. Helping is doing dishes, making food, keeping the house clean, taking the baby for 30-1 hour each day so you can shower. Helping is not taking the baby so you "can get things done". You also need it to be someone who you are comfortable with if they are staying at your house. </p> <p>If your mom or mil don't fit that bill tell them you are sorry but they can't stay with you. They can visit for some time during the day but need other sleeping accommodations. </p> <p>My mom stayed with us with our first and will stay with us for our second. This works awesome for us because she helps, is comfortable with both me and my husband and knows when to take a break in her room. If my mil stayed with us I would be stressed and trying to host. Not helpful for postpartum healing and bonding with baby </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855534 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 12:39:58 +0000 PurplePumps 2855534@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Agree with PP. This is about what you want, what you'd be comfortable with after birth. For me, it was certainly to have *my* mom around over my mil. My mom hasn't been staying over since she lives 40 minutes away, but she comes over 3x a week to help and it's been amazing to have her around. With my in laws, I would feel less comfortable around them and feel more of a need to entertain them and I didn't need that. I told them they were welcome after a month. This is up to you, not their expectations. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855533 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 12:37:43 +0000 Anagram 2855533@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@foodiebee: PPs gave you good advice. Your mom seriously overstepped and did something disrespectful to both you and your husband, so that needs to be addressed. It seems like you have a strained relationship—is your mom helpful when she comes to your house or does she have to be “entertained”? </p> <p>I let my mom (my dad passed when I was in college) and my in laws all come when we had our kids. The first time, we staggered their visits and the second time, my in laws had a tight schedule (they were leaving to go to Europe) so the visits overlapped a little and it was fine. But my mom and my MIL are supremely helpful. I didn’t have to lift a finger—my mom cleaned, did laundry, and baby held if I asked (like if I was showering or wanted a nap), and my MIL always comes and cooks every meal for us. And my MIL is old school and is always encouraging rest, eat, and drink and will tell my husband to bring me drinks and stuff. My mom is really good about doing her own thing too—she’s extremely active and goes out 1-2 times a day to exercise or just run errands for us, so she’s not just hovering all day. </p> <p>So in my case, it was pretty nice. I actually felt so well rested my first month post partum because I had so much help—I got my nails done (by myself), saw a movie in the theater with DH (no baby), got to take naps. Then they all left and reality set in, lol. </p> <p>But I have read enough horror stories here to know a lot of grandparents do not put their postpartum daughters/DIL first when it comes to visits. So you really need to sit down and think about how likely they are to be helpful or to make things worse, and then make your decisions accordingly with your husband. </p> <p>My husband only got 1 week of paternity leave, so in both cases he went back to work immediately when or parents were around to help me, and then he took off after they left. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855530 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 12:03:18 +0000 ALV91711 2855530@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Congrats! I haven't read through all the responses. Your mom should not have texted DH. </p> <p>First I think you and DH need to take time to decide what you want and then communicate that to the mom's. Personally I liked having my mom stay with us both times. She cooked, tidied up, held baby when I needed a break/shower/nap. And for the second she helped with DS1 a lot. </p> <p>Both our moms are a flight away. I for sure didn't want them both here at the same time. For my first my mom came out the day after he was born and stayed for two weeks and then about a week after my MIL came for a week. For DS2 again my mom came the day after he was born and stayed for two weeks. My MIL came at about 7 weeks for a few days. Both times this worked great for us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855527 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 11:47:11 +0000 ElbieKay 2855527@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I did not want to share my postpartum experience with my parents or my MIL. (FIL is deceased.) I wanted time to bond as a nuclear family. I also wanted the physical and emotional space to establish a breastfeeding relationship in my apartment without worrying about flashing anyone.</p> <p>My husband took three weeks off the first time. He then changed jobs and got eight weeks off when our twins were born! We did not really need additional help. I thought I would need additional help with the twins and considered hiring a night nurse, but my husband wanted more privacy so we agreed to wait and only hire someone if we really needed it. We wound up functioning pretty well on our own.</p> <p>That being said, I acknowledge that the grandparents wanted to see the babies. So, I invited them to visit us in the hospital AFTER (1) labor &amp; delivery (2) golden hour and (3) some rest/recovery.</p> <p>I remember my parents kept bugging my husband to come visit immediately after the twins were born, and I kept telling him that they couldn't come until my IV was removed and I had peed (because otherwise they were threatening to give me a catheter, and I did not want visitors until that situation was resolved). They wound up coming in the evening around 7 or 8pm. The babies had been born just before 2pm the same day. They also came the next day, and tried to invite themselves back the last day before we came home, but I declined.</p> <p>My MIL and her husband came the next day because they felt it was too late to drive over that evening by the time I felt ready for visitors.</p> <p>Honestly, the second day was sort of annoying because I had four grandparents plus my 4yo there, and it was just a lot of talking and interrupting, and it was distracting me from nursing and pumping and focusing on my 4yo. But I felt that this gave me license to go home and tune everyone out while I focused on my newly expanded nuclear family because I had already allowed them to meet the babies.</p> <p>I am really glad that I did not allow waiting room warriors, and that I was clear up front that I needed a few weeks to establish breastfeeding before I would be open to visitors. That was the best choice for me personally, and it allowed me to have the postpartum experience I wanted/needed.</p> <p>That being said, once my husband went back to work after the twins, I was very grateful to have after school help from my parents. Juggling a 4yo and two infants during the witching hour is no joke!!!</p> <p>Sorry this was so long. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855524 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 11:40:24 +0000 BUNBUN 2855524@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with everyone else that this is really about what YOU want (and need), which you might not even know until you're in the thick of it.<br /> So, my parents live a plane-ride away and my MIL does too, except she was living with us and helping us move (!) when I went into labor (and now cares for DS full-time while I work).<br /> Before DS was born, I told my parents I wanted them to come when DS was born for a week or more to help. They offered to stay in a hotel if we preferred. I said that I would prefer that they be on hand to cook and clean and help because I had no idea what my recovery would be like. I was quite blunt and they were fine with that.<br /> MIL was at the hospital in the waiting room while I was in labor, which was fine with me. My parents booked the first available flight and arrived the afternoon we got home from the hospital. My mom and dad stayed for a week, dad flew back after one week and mom stayed an additional week. I'm struggling to remember right now, but I think my MIL actually flew back to her home in NY for that first week or two to give us space. I realize how fortunate we were that they were (all) able to swing the cost of travel. If it had been more difficult, I would have suggested a hotel room for my MIL or maybe even arranged for her to stay with a friend.<br /> The point is, I had to dictate the terms of who was staying where and when, but we also had 2 guest rooms and a larger home, so it wasn't like I felt crowded. I was so exhausted before the birth from the move that I did not have the emotional energy to care about anyone else's feelings, so I pretty much apologized before DH was born and said thank you for agreeing to come, I hope it's wonderful, but I have no idea how I will be feeling to thank you again for rolling with is and being supportive of what I will need when the time comes. </p> <p>And then I focused on the baby and let everyone else deal with their own feelings. </p> <p>I hope you're able to find a solution that works for YOU. If it were me, I'd talk to my mom about going behind my back to DH now. That would piss me off and REALLY get to me if she tried pulling that after the baby was born.</p> <p>Congratulations and I wish you all the best! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855523 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 11:39:38 +0000 SweetiePie 2855523@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JennyPenny: yes, agree. My MIL wants to be here all the time, but it’s for HER not for me. If she gave a shit about what I want or what helps me, a weekly visit from her would not be it, let me tell ya. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855522 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 11:39:23 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2855522@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think given your dynamic with your mom and your in laws I would tell everyone you want the first three nights alone then after that they come. It'll give you help to look forward to but also a chance to settle in a little first. Maybe your mom gets less offended if nobody is invited.. Just my two cents. </p> <p>I have three kids and my family lives far away and was never there the first month, just in laws. It's kind of sad but the in laws are the only help we have so we keep that in mind. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855521 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 11:37:15 +0000 JennyPenny 2855521@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh - this is so hard. In my experience (and I am sure this doesn't apply to all moms so I hope I don't offend anyone) but the moms and MILs who say "I will be there" are doing it for more selfish reasons than those who say "what do you want? is it helpful for me to stay with you or is it easier for me to get a hotel?" The former want to see and dote on their grandbaby, which is fantastic, but the latter are trying to do that while considering what the new parents need. And from what I've seen with my family and my friends' families, its the former whose long stays get annoying quickly, while the latter are the ones to help with cleaning, or taking care of other kids, and all the other stuff that really counts. All that to say - I agree with previous posters about deciding what works best for you and letting them know. If they aren't keeping your needs at the front of this then you have to. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855520 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 11:36:20 +0000 SweetiePie 2855520@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So I actually agree with what your mom said but not how/when she did it. </p> <p>I think a lot of it depends on your personality type and how you get along with each.<br /> I personally find my MIL extremely irritating so there’s no way in HELL I would have let her stay with us. Not even for one night. She lives 1.5-2hrs away.<br /> My mom, I’m close with her and for the most part she doesn’t annoy me. I would let her stay with us for a week max, but not until we’ve been home for a day or two from the hospital. </p> <p>I’m a introvert and I don’t like people in my space. I did like having some help at first, but 1) only from someone I like (my mom) and 2) in small doses. </p> <p>If it were me, I would tell my mom that it was really wrong of her to text my husband (that’s the kind of shit my MIL does, she circumvents whoever the “obstacle” is all the time). But agree that I want my mom there at first. Your first week home you’re bleeding and uncomfortable emotional mess and boobs are out a lot - I personally wouldn’t want anyone but my mom or a professional to see me that way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855516 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 11:30:26 +0000 foodiebee 2855516@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow, thank you all so much for your responses!! :heart: </p> <p>Part of this is that I've never gone through this, so I'm trying to figure out how I feel about these topics as they come up without any experience to guide me. I've gone through no birth experiences with friends and have ZERO experience with babies of any kind (same for DH). </p> <p>To speak to a few things you all raised, what I do know is that I don't want anyone but DH in the delivery room. I'm very shy about my body so no one should be surprised.</p> <p>I have good relationships with both families but am closer with my in-laws bc we see them more and have more in common. My mom doesn't travel to see relatives, period. I go to her. There have been times when she has refused to see me when I was in town bc I had arranged the visit to include family she doesn't like (not knowing this!), so she chose not to see me at all. Which is why I didn't know if she'd be coming for the birth and had to ask. Telling her that she doesn't get this her way could mean she doesn't come at all, and I have to be prepared for that.</p> <p>What you all made me realize about the post-birth time is that I was letting what everyone else wants guide me instead of thinking about what *I* want. I have an issue with chronic fatigue, so I don't mind the idea of some help after birth, but we need to spend some time thinking about what that looks like. My fear is it ends up with a lot of houseguests watching TV and bored as I deal with insane emotional swings, a fatigue flareup, and a screaming newborn. (Pretty picture, huh?) :wink: (And yes, DH has paternity leave he's planning to take!) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tell-me-about-your-postpartum-family-experience#post-2855509 Wed, 07 Nov 2018 11:17:01 +0000 lioneyes 2855509@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>3.5 weeks pp w/ my 2nd, and ILs are coming today for the first visit (they met her at 2 days old in the hospital, but stayed for less than an hour).</p> <p>You need to do what works for YOU. I always feel like I am compromising and doing what works for ILs but in this case have no issue putting my foot down. They were hurt/angry I didn't want them hanging out at the hospital when DS was born and I stood my ground and was completely unapologetic as that wasn't going to work for me. </p>