https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 08 May 2026 02:28:58 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2612091 Sat, 27 Aug 2016 20:02:41 +0000 FliegepilzHut 2612091@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winniebee: I understand... I just was thinking because it's not altogether unexpected (they knew she was doing IVF and are probably anticipating an announcement on some level). But I can understand how that might seem insensitive/impersonal.</p> <p>ETA: I think I also missed the part where @Northstar: mentioned telling the other SIL... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2612037 Sat, 27 Aug 2016 17:29:23 +0000 MaryM 2612037@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winniebee: agreed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2612031 Sat, 27 Aug 2016 17:17:22 +0000 winniebee 2612031@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@FliegepilzHut: I don't mean to shoot down your idea, but I would be really upset if I saw something on social media before being told about it first :bummed: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2611963 Sat, 27 Aug 2016 12:50:50 +0000 FliegepilzHut 2611963@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree email would be good. Would you also possibly consider announcing on social media, so they could have a little extra space to respond or not... Then you could send a follow-up, more direct email to let them know you're thinking of them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2611955 Sat, 27 Aug 2016 12:39:38 +0000 winniebee 2611955@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've had a significant loss as well and I think the best way for me to handle and process the news would be email. You are very kind for thinking of her feelings. I also would tell her when you begin telling everyone else. My brother withheld anatomy scan news from me for fear of upsetting me, and I just ended up more upset that I was the family outcast. </p> <p>Congratulations :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2611833 Sat, 27 Aug 2016 07:32:36 +0000 littlecasita1122 2611833@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with sending an email. I lost my daughter at 23 weeks in January and my best friend told me she was pregnant a few months later...in person. It was awkward, very emotional and I basically cried the entire time. I wanted to kick her out of my house and just run upstairs to bawl. I did not speak to her for several months after and our friendship is not the same, especially since I found out she's having a girl. She has respected my space since that's what I asked for, but it's been very hard going through secondary losses now. I'm glad you are being sensitive to them and understand hearing this news will be difficult. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2611515 Fri, 26 Aug 2016 10:11:33 +0000 NorthStar 2611515@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM: sorry, my email was unclear. We won't be emailing other family our news. We might actually wait another month for that and won't be doing via email. I meant that we would email my SIL this weekend. I would actually be totally fine with not even telling other people for months. </p> <p>Thank you for your points and they are so welcome. I think of you almost every day :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2611510 Fri, 26 Aug 2016 09:56:45 +0000 MaryM 2611510@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would send them an email ahead of the email you send to the rest of the family. Let them know it is coming. </p> <p>If they work, I'd send it in the evening or on a weekend so they don't get unexpectedly sidelined at work and can process it on their own. </p> <p>When asking them how much or how little they want to hear, I'd ask if they want to be included in the group email. </p> <p>For me, it wasn't so hard hearing my SIL had her baby, the hardest part was everyone being happy for her and congratulating them when I was shoved deeper into grief myself. It's not that I WASN'T happy for them...I was just really sad for us. </p> <p>Reply all is a really horrid thing when sometimes you'd rather process something on your own or just with your SO</p> <p>Or you can consider using the BCC function so that people can't reply all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2611504 Fri, 26 Aug 2016 09:43:30 +0000 NorthStar 2611504@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM: Thank you for your response! Not much of the family actually knows yet (I haven't even told my parents or any extended family), but was thinking of putting together an email tomorrow. I just found out their anniversary was a few days ago (oops!). We definitely want them to know, but want to be respectful in how we tell them. </p> <p>@LulaBee: I had to respond to you, because omg, how heartless of your friend to do that to you. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2611496 Fri, 26 Aug 2016 09:38:05 +0000 MaryM 2611496@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would tell them in email or text. </p> <p>If you've started telling other people in the same circle, I think you should tell them as soon as possible. </p> <p>Although it's sometimes hard news to hear, it sucks even more knowing that you're the last person in your family to ever find out things. It makes you feel like a total outcast and even more like you're dealing with loss on your own. </p> <p>I wouldn't worry about the timing and their anniversary or whatever. Truth is, there will never be a time when they WON'T be thinking a lot about the baby they lost and mourning her loss. There is no good time and you can't avoid tricky ones. It's all tricky. </p> <p>I would agree with a heartfelt email. I feel like texts set up an expectation for there to be a response. </p> <p>In the email, I'd let her know you love her and her daughter (call her by name) and you want to be sensitive to her feelings and that you want to share as much or as little with her as she wants to hear. Ask her if she'd like updates or how much about your pregnancy she wants to hear. </p> <p>I've been pregnant with my SIL during two of my losses and that has been hard, but she's also been one of my biggest supports in continuing to ask how I am and knowing how much my babies mean to me. So while it's hard, there's just no way around it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2611464 Fri, 26 Aug 2016 09:05:35 +0000 LulaBee 2611464@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First of all, congratulations! Second of all, as a loss mom, thanks for thinking of her and treating the situation delicately. I think an email is sufficient. After my son was stillborn, an acquaintance asked me out for dinner- I spent an hour going over every painful detail of what happened... then she told me she was pregnant. It wrecked me, felt incredibly insensitive, and I didn't even understand why she did it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2611459 Fri, 26 Aug 2016 08:57:53 +0000 Mrsbells 2611459@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think email/text is better too. It gives them time to respond when they feel comfortable to do so </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2611425 Fri, 26 Aug 2016 08:28:03 +0000 Banana330 2611425@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree email would be best, and saying you don't expect a response might be nice. </p> <p>Congrats on the new baby and for being sensitive to their situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2611421 Fri, 26 Aug 2016 08:23:28 +0000 erinbaderin 2611421@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would send them an email, and then maybe text them to let them know you emailed if you think they don't check their mail often.</p> <p>And congratulations! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2611417 Fri, 26 Aug 2016 08:17:44 +0000 Mrs D 2611417@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@NorthStar: I have told several friends who have struggled with loss and infertility over email (text would be the same as email I feel). I basically (in a nutshell) just convey that I know they may have a range of emotions/reactions and I understand that and respect it if they need space. I have also always conveyed that I know they love me and are happy for me - just may need some space/time to sort out their feelings.</p> <p>It has been well received. Most of them specifically commented that they appreciated the communication that allowed them to react in private and however they needed to without the pressure of being face-face, voice-voice.</p> <p>Congratulations...best of luck sharing the news... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2611406 Fri, 26 Aug 2016 08:07:32 +0000 Truth Bombs 2611406@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: @Mamaof2: I don't know how that happened! Thanks y'all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2611403 Fri, 26 Aug 2016 08:02:23 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2611403@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: wrong thread </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2611402 Fri, 26 Aug 2016 08:02:08 +0000 Mamaof2 2611402@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: wrong thread </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2611399 Fri, 26 Aug 2016 07:59:39 +0000 Truth Bombs 2611399@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <br /> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/telling-a-family-member-with-significant-loss-that-we-are-expecting#post-2611394 Fri, 26 Aug 2016 07:53:21 +0000 NorthStar 2611394@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Long back story, but my SIL and BIL lost their baby girl at 26 weeks last summer. She went in for an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat, went through labor, named her, etc. They continue to struggle and I honestly can't even remember the last time I saw them (we live 3 hours away). </p> <p>We have tried for our second child for almost 3 years and in the last year of it, went through 3 IVF transfers (2 retrievals, and 1 frozen transfer). They knew that we were doing IVF but were not filled in details as each procedure went by. We did not give them specifics, so all they know is that we were struggling to get pregnant and using IVF as a means to get there.</p> <p>Well, the 3rd transfer worked and I'm now 15 weeks along. It is now approching the time that we should tell them about the baby. We didn't in July as that was their baby girl's birthday and not so far in August as BIL's father passed away two weeks ago. Their anniversary is this weekend. There never seems to be a good time, but we can only wait so long.</p> <p>Ok, my question, how and what is the best way to tell them about the baby? Having been through infertility for so long, I told DH that I do NOT want to tell them over the phone or in person. That puts them in such a hard position to be forced into a reaction. That isn't fair to them and I have been through it enough on the infertility side that I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I'm thinking a heart felt text or possibly an email (but I'm not sure how often they check their email).</p> <p>Thoughts of how and what to say? I wanted some more perspective. We did tell DH's other sister last night and she reinforced that this likely shouldn't be over the phone or in person. Thank you ladies :heart: </p>