https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 06 Apr 2026 04:23:10 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/3#post-2525276 Thu, 14 Apr 2016 17:02:47 +0000 lemondrop 2525276@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband is diabetic, so he does an hour workout most days of the week, he's been able to stabilize his glucose this way and reverse a lot of problems. I understand how annoying gym time can be and sometimes I do resent it, but most of the time he tailors it to our schedule when we plan out our week. Some days he'll go for a run at lunch so he doesn't miss any family time, he usually takes an off day on one of the nights I work, and does an earlier gym evening on the other night I work so he can take the boys to the gym daycare. Some nights he goes after bedtime, and on the weekends we will all go together. </p> <p>@HTownMom: That's what what I was wondering too, I can't comprehend what takes that long at the gym. I'd be checking out the gym parking lot and looking in windows just to make sure he is where he says he is, especially since he comes up with plenty of excuses not to stick around the house.</p> <p>Regardless, working split shifts is hard and I'm glad you are seeing a counselor. I hope he becomes more flexible and more thoughtful about not just his children, but also his wife! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/3#post-2525251 Thu, 14 Apr 2016 16:39:44 +0000 Modern Daisy 2525251@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So when I was on maternity leave with DS it fell at a time of year and in our lives when DH was being pulled in three different directions with after hours work commitments (happy hours, dinners, golf, trips) social events with his college friends since they were all still living near us at the time and band practice/gigs/practicing his guitar. We went about 2 weeks in a row where he left the house at 8am and returned at midnight until I finally put my foot down and established some boundaries that might work for you guys.</p> <p>I told him I didn't care WHAT he cut out or how he did it, but he could only be gone two nights during the week and one weekend day/night. He had to start prioritizing which events were most important, plan ahead and come up with creative solutions. While it was hard at first and he complained a little, he saw where I was coming from and with some planning it ended up working out really well! Some things got rescheduled and others got dropped completely, but we were all much happier in the end and less stressed. </p> <p>Maybe you can present it to your DH like that? Say you don't care what nights/times he's gone but it can only be 2-3 nights a week and the others he has to be home. If that means using the home gym more often or working out in the morning or even cutting out a workout, at least he's meeting you half way. Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/3#post-2525234 Thu, 14 Apr 2016 16:17:40 +0000 akcoffeebean 2525234@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsB2012: I'm really glad you made an appointment to talk to someone. It sounds hard, frustrating and lonely and having IL issues on top of that would be rough. </p> <p>I grew up with a dad who was hyper focused on gym time and working out. When I was younger (like elementary school age) he was a little overweight but by the time I was in HS he was in ultra competitive shape for his sport. The time away from family and his focus on fitness/appearance and weight was hard on our entire family. It definitely played a role in how I felt about my own weight and appearance at the time (I struggled with an eating disorder most of my teen years and into my early 20s). I don't think he "caused" my food issues, but his own issues and mine definitely overlapped and fed each other's behavior. </p> <p>I don't want to add another layer of worry, but I think it would be fair to talk to DH about what you two think modeling healthy behavior for your LOs looks like. There's a ton of research coming out about the role of father/daughter dynamics in shaping healthy self esteem and self respect and your therapist might be able to point you to some good resources to share. It might be empowering for him to learn that even when they're little little he can set them up for success in dating, peer relationships, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/3#post-2525103 Thu, 14 Apr 2016 14:27:17 +0000 MrsB2012 2525103@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@HTownMom: @Torchwood: haha, I am 100% certain that is not the case. I told him I wrote this post ( he didn't read it) but I told him about the comment, we both had a giggle. Unless he's having some crazy marathon sex in which he's coming home drenched in sweat after, that's not the case. ( Plus I know that's not it.)<br /> @LindsayInNY: Yeah, his parents encourage him and tell him he should go out more. His dad will text him saying that he will come up and watch the girls so he can get an extra gym session in or a run. His mom tells him the same thing, that he should take MORE time for himself! Are these people bloody nuts!? I don't want to go more into that topic because that will just start a whole other tangent on how much I hate my MIL. </p> <p>I have my first counseling appointment tomorrow afternoon, and I have to say that he has been better this week. On Monday he was going to have him mom come up, but decided he "didn't want to have a fight after" so he actually took a rest day. I'm going out with friends tonight, so I thought he was going to get a sitter ( which isn't a big deal because I'm home today and they aren't in daycare ) but he said he would do it in the garage. This will happen where for a few weeks he will be better, then just go back to the way he was. But, hopefully with just talking to him about it, and me seeking outside help, we can continue to work on a compromise. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/3#post-2525016 Thu, 14 Apr 2016 13:25:02 +0000 snowjewelz 2525016@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsB2012: Ok his rationale of b/c you get more consecutive days off, that's just so it "seems" like you have more free time and therefore he's entitled to 2-3 hours daily.... Just... No! I can see how hard this is b/c he is so set on HIS perspective and will probably never see yours... I'm so sorry. Pulling for you that this will work out and he will come around! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/3#post-2525014 Thu, 14 Apr 2016 13:23:16 +0000 snowjewelz 2525014@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetiePie: @LindsayInNY: I think she said they don't care since they are happy that it means more time with the kids for them; they're happy to babysit whenever. They don't really think about how that means HE's not spending the time with them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/3#post-2524968 Thu, 14 Apr 2016 13:01:43 +0000 Torchwood 2524968@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@HTownMom: That thought occurred to me too. 😕 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/3#post-2524967 Thu, 14 Apr 2016 13:00:31 +0000 catlady 2524967@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not to repeat too much what others have said, but it does sound somewhat like an addiction to me. That said, sometimes people who have these types of problems don't want to hear about it from their closest loved ones. My SIL has an eating disorder and also an issue with over-exercising but she does not respond well at all to family members when they try to help. However, she finally got help when her friends staged an intervention. I wonder if there is a way for you to get your DH's friends or possibly even his crossfit coach to say something to him. As others have mentioned, crossfit is supposed to be 1 hr at a time. My DH does crossfit too and he loves it specifically because it is efficient. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/3#post-2524953 Thu, 14 Apr 2016 12:48:34 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2524953@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I won't add to what everyone else has said already but I would recommend PMing @Mrs. Deer (I'm not sure if me tagging her will get her to see this). She's and her husband both do Crossfit and she might have some advice on how to tackle this with your husband. Good luck to you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/3#post-2524951 Thu, 14 Apr 2016 12:46:32 +0000 ValentineMommy 2524951@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me.</p> <p>What about you? Do you get 2-3 hours to yourself daily?</p> <p>I mean, cmon. That's a ridiculous amount of time to "need" for himself on a daily basis. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/3#post-2524933 Thu, 14 Apr 2016 12:37:57 +0000 LulaBee 2524933@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with everyone else- this is excessive and his attitude is not okay. I hope you get the help you need (and he does too!!) My husband just ran a marathon and didn't train because we have a newborn. Family comes first. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/3#post-2524888 Thu, 14 Apr 2016 12:12:24 +0000 babynumber1 2524888@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsB2012: Oh hell no. You had a famiy together, he needs to put his hobbies aside while the children are young. 2-3 hours is absurd. This would be a deal breaker. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/3#post-2524845 Thu, 14 Apr 2016 11:45:06 +0000 LindsayInNY 2524845@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was wondering what @SweetiePie: said. His parents don't comment on it? I feel like they're enabling his actions. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/2#post-2524820 Thu, 14 Apr 2016 11:27:21 +0000 SweetiePie 2524820@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsB2012: I'm curious - what do his parents think about it? Sorry if this was mentioned and I missed it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/2#post-2524027 Wed, 13 Apr 2016 16:42:33 +0000 HTownMom 2524027@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsB2012: this totally sucks and agree that talking to a counselor is an excellent idea.<br /> Having "me" time is really important for both spouses to have, but so is together non-kids time. The counseling works best being together so that everyone is on the same page. My husband and I went through hard times the first two years of our daughter being born and therapy helped get us back on track, plus gave us better insight into each other and our thoughts and reasoning.</p> <p>So maybe I'm way out of league here, but I asked my DH about this and he said "maybe he is having a relationship outside of his marriage". The long hours are spent working out plus being with someone else? Or that the workout and up-keep are for someone else? He got lonely during the second tri and needed more attention?</p> <p>Wishing you a happy and healthy resolution. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/2#post-2524007 Wed, 13 Apr 2016 16:21:41 +0000 gingerbebe 2524007@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsB2012: I don't feel like you can say that things are good otherwise in your relationship when you a) don't get much time together as a couple and b) don't get much time together as a family. Like, you're not fighting, but you never talk to each other, never see each other, and have separate hobbies, so you're...roommates? I just don't see how that's a functioning marriage.</p> <p>I'm so so so sorry you are going through this. If your husband does not have an exercise addiction, he's at the very least using it to avoid something in his life, so I agree counseling is very important. The ultimatum type language he was using is really frightening to me.</p> <p>When I talked to my husband about this, he was like "the only reason a man should spend an extra 15-20 hours a week away home at the expense of his marriage and children is if there was some serious family or financial problem that had to be dealt with immediately or if there was some long-term benefit to be gained through a short-term commitment to working longer hours. Either way, it should be a temporary situation - if this guy is going to be doing this for the rest of his life, or even for the foreseeable future, this is going to have huge ramifications for his family down the line." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/2#post-2523948 Wed, 13 Apr 2016 15:34:28 +0000 MrsB2012 2523948@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Happygal: Yeah, this is the only area of tensions for the most part. Things stem from this, it means we don't get an opportunity for date nights sometimes, sometimes he will miss family functions ( of my family) so he can go to the gym. ( Which I don't mind because then I can say I don't want to go to his moms house when she has something going on and he can't hold it against me. ) Aside from that, things are good, we have a pretty good flow, we don't fight ( which is why this is so hard on me, part of me just wants to let it go, let him do what he wants so that we don't fight over it. ) I just wish we had more time together as a family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/2#post-2523825 Wed, 13 Apr 2016 14:01:09 +0000 Happygal 2523825@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband does Crossfit (it's not a cult, guys) and I brought this up to him. His reply: "That's not normal."</p> <p>In fact, his coach would probably say something about the excess b/c the recent reports about the damage and strain Crossfit puts on the body, which has resulted in coaches being extra cautious with members and workouts.</p> <p>I'm with everyone else that at this point, time with a therapist sounds wise. Outside counsel can help so it's not all coming from you. </p> <p>I wouldn't want my husband to begrudgingly spend time with our children. It should be something your partner does willingly and ideally, joyfully.</p> <p>Is this the only area of tension you're facing in your marriage, or is everything else happy and healthy? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/2#post-2523649 Wed, 13 Apr 2016 12:29:53 +0000 abbydabbydoodlebug 2523649@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with the PPs about 2-3 hours a day is definitely unreasonable. If he could work out in the garage, that'd be better right? The issue is he's afraid of waking the girls. Can you invest in sound machines and some soundproofing on the walls that are next to their rooms? Just some foam you could attach to the walls would dampen the sound of the weights dropping. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/2#post-2523514 Wed, 13 Apr 2016 11:23:21 +0000 alphagam84 2523514@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That would not be okay in our family. My husband goes to the gym 2-3 days a week but waits until DD is in bed for the night so he doesn't miss out on that small window of time between getting home from work and bed. I compete in long distance triathlons and don't train nearly as much as I used to before having DD and I'm okay with that. I'm late picking her up from daycare one day a week so I can swim after work and even being 45-60 mins late to pick her up is rough on me as I'd rather be with her. I do one 3 hour bike ride on the weekends which is the one workout I have to do each week, no exceptions. I can't image doing that every day and missing out on that much time with her every day. I think your husband needs to re-evaluate his priorities and put family first. Crossfit workouts do not take 2-3 hours, most are around an hour. And he should make use of the gym equipment at your house-even if it's 2-3 days a week at home he can still gain benefits. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/2#post-2523389 Wed, 13 Apr 2016 10:32:32 +0000 winniebee 2523389@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>All of my friends who do cross fit do it for an hour a day. </p> <p>I don't get 2.5-3 hours a WEEK to myself, let alone 5-6 times a week. It's excessive. Not necessary. Something that you give up or slow down on when you choose to have children. I don't think it's ok that his parents come and watch the kids immediately after he gets the kids from work. </p> <p>I even get annoyed when my husband gets home from work at 530/6 and wants to cycle in the basement for 20 mins... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/2#post-2523385 Wed, 13 Apr 2016 10:28:26 +0000 avivoca 2523385@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsB2012: I think one thing that would help is if he got over worrying about waking the girls up by dropping weights. I have a 2.5 year old and a train could drive by her room without waking her up. Are they sleeping near the garage? If not, chances are that they won't hear it.</p> <p>I can sympathize with you. The first two years of my daughter's life were rough for my husband because he had to give up so much time biking (he is a mountain biker). But this winter, he finally bought a trainer so he could train at home and it has improved our relationship so much. Now he can bike after H and I go to sleep (he's a night owl) and take it with him when he's traveling for work instead of relying on hotel exercise equipment that may or may not work. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/2#post-2523366 Wed, 13 Apr 2016 10:20:42 +0000 Freckles 2523366@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You say that your kids are in daycare 8-12 days a month, so what about those other days they are at home -- are you the one who watches them or are there some days where he is at home with them all day?</p> <p>I have noticed some men think that once mat leave is over, things can go back to the way things were before kids. I have no idea why they think that way, but maybe he felt like he sacrificed a lot and wants to get back into his old routine. I really think that counseling is a good start - when going through a rough patch, it helped DH tell me things he normally wouldn't have told me on his own.</p> <p>I guess i also don't think 2 hours a day is that bad (though 3 hours is pushing it) as long as it doesn't interfere too much with family time. So i would be really upset if the grandparents were putting our kids to bed every night while he was at the gym, but i wouldn't be that upset if he spent 2 hours working out once the kids were asleep. It sounds like your issue is around him not being around the kids so maybe there is a compromise that could be struck between you two.</p> <p>Good luck :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/2#post-2523337 Wed, 13 Apr 2016 10:07:16 +0000 MrsB2012 2523337@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaCate: You're totally right. Our perspectives on parenting and priorities are completely different. I feel like family (kids) comes first, everything else comes second. He still feels like he comes first so that he can be there for kids, if that makes sense.<br /> This rolls into the issue, because I have a job where I work 4 on 4 off, 5 on 5 off, he feels like I get more 'off' time because I have longer periods of days off. ( But my work days are longer than normal.) So, he feels like he should get more 'me' time daily. I guess.<br /> It was better during my mat leave because I was home all the time so we didn't have to find babysitters. He was still going as often, we just didn't need sitters. </p> <p>@lamariniere: My inlaws encourage him going and would babysit night and day if he asked. They just see it as, 'more time for me and the kids' and not, 'why isn't he spending time with his kids, oh well, more for me.' My MIL is a whole other post ( and also another reason why I ended up contacting someone to talk to. )</p> <p>@Mrs. Tiger: I'm sorry you've been though this too, and I hope that next time you guys find some compromise too.</p> <p>@Rockies11: Yes, I get the, I'm exercising, it's healthy. Think of what else I could be doing to relieve my stress.<br /> I'm so sorry that you went through a major accident to get him to back down a bit. That must have been very tough to go through. </p> <p>@MtnBiker: We have a jogging stroller, but it's rare that he uses it. He will baby wear both the girls and go for a hike sometimes, but in addition to the gym, not in place of. </p> <p>@irene: No, I'm Canadian, so our girls are 2.5 and 15 months.</p> <p>@Aimed121: Would you believe it if I told you we've been TTC a third, and he's the one who wants it more than I do? We've slowed down on TTC, but it's something we both want. He's actually more involved and does more with the girls now then when we just had the one. He's given up other things, he used to go out with friends regularly, and was going out to jam with friends often too. He never does that anymore, so he has made some sacrifice. ( Although you can't be a parent without changing your life, you just don't have the time!) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/2#post-2523329 Wed, 13 Apr 2016 10:00:41 +0000 Truth Bombs 2523329@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsB2012: I think this would be good for you to read and then discuss with your husband <a href="http://breakingmuscle.com/sports-psychology/are-you-addicted-to-exercise-the-tell-tale-signs" rel="nofollow">http://breakingmuscle.com/sports-psychology/are-you-addicted-to-exercise-the-tell-tale-signs</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/2#post-2523310 Wed, 13 Apr 2016 09:52:35 +0000 wrkbrk 2523310@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsB2012: I havent read all the replies so maybe this is redundant but I would be having a colossal fit if my spouse did this. You are very patient and sweet and he needs to not take advantage of you!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/2#post-2523248 Wed, 13 Apr 2016 09:28:43 +0000 Aimed121 2523248@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsB2012: Hugs - sorry that you are going through this. Just a thought, it seems like this all started to get more intense after your 2nd maternity leave - is it possible that this could be a reaction to the pressure of having a second child? I've read studies where LO#2 can be tough on some dads because now they are expected to pick up a bit more slack than with just one LO. This may be some sort of reaction to a big change. I know that when things get a bit out of control, some people react by becoming uber controlling in one part of their lives and perhaps this is his way of coping with a change. Something to consider. Either way, it is seriously affecting your family's life and stability and happiness so he must address it. I think a therapist, either alone or together is a great idea. You sound like you are being really supportive but clearly for the health of your family, things need to change. Most people without families don't even have 3 hours to workout never mind people with small kids. I hope that you guys are able to get back to a good place on this. :heart: :goodluck: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/2#post-2523239 Wed, 13 Apr 2016 09:20:29 +0000 irene 2523239@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Coming to think about it, I have a feeling that your husband is "afraid" to stay with the baby all by himself. You just got back to work right, so I assume your baby is about 3-6 months (unless if you are in Canada then it would be 1 year)? Some guys they just don't know what to do with an infant because they just cry and they are not that much interactive yet. I am hoping/suspecting that's the case, and maybe that's his way of getting out of it. Good luck and lots of hugs! I hope you guys can work it out. If that's the case, I think he will get better as your baby grows older and more playful and fun to be around for men :-) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/2#post-2523232 Wed, 13 Apr 2016 09:14:59 +0000 MtnBiker 2523232@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsB2012: Are there some exercises he could pursue with your kids? I have a jogging stroller that I take LO out in so we can spend more time together. Maybe he could adapt some of his exercise routines to include them. He's probably in way better shape than I am, but dang that stroller is hard to push and one great workout - I'm a solid 2+ minutes off my best pace. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tension-with-my-husband/page/2#post-2523225 Wed, 13 Apr 2016 09:11:26 +0000 teawithpaloma 2523225@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Rockies11: good points. @MrsB2012: If you meet with a therapist, and give them the full range of details, and find that you agree its an addiction, you can join Al-Anon. It would be applicable in this case and would give you a community of support. </p> <p>I would say when big issues come up like this, I say I am really sad and I am really hurting. I just stick to what my emotions are and I don't apologize for having them. </p>