https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 29 Apr 2026 02:13:00 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1976122 Mon, 08 Dec 2014 20:05:28 +0000 babycanuck 1976122@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks everyone. We have had a conversation tonight. I'm not making excuses for him, we've been together for 12 years and some days I just wish he would help more.</p> <p>I am going to try and be more specific with him when I need his help with things and hope that works better going forward. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1976119 Mon, 08 Dec 2014 20:03:06 +0000 youboots 1976119@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Uh I'm part time self employed and I work from home. M has a super demanding career and often travels all week and works 60+ hours a week. I don't work as hard as he does, but he still treats me with respect. I have never been treated the way you are describing. I agree with other posters, I think this in not a 'men' issue sounds like it's an attitude your partner holds.</p> <p>And even though part of 'my role' is to suppourt him and the house, since I got pregnant he has had to shift to help out a lot more. I had nasty m/s and have had two falls (once down the stairs and once on a photo shoot) so he is also having to carry everything up and down the stairs like laundry. He has picked up on cooking and cleaning too. And I'm not surprised because thats just the kind of guy he is.</p> <p>Sounds like TTC this month could be replaced by some serious chats about gender roles and expectations about division of labor now and in the future. It's only going to get more intense, pregnancy can be really tough on the best of relationships, and I can't imagine how much harder having a new baby will make things. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1976041 Mon, 08 Dec 2014 18:29:51 +0000 simplyfelicity 1976041@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hope you have a productive conversation with your DH. Hope it's just a case of him not realizing how much it bothers you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1975986 Mon, 08 Dec 2014 17:38:26 +0000 LuLu Mom 1975986@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@babycanuck: Another thing, I understand needing "guy time" however a married man out until 4 am would piss me off, there is no reason for someone to be out that late who is in a committed relationship and then on top of that feels the need to sleep the entire next day. My DH knows that if he goes out and stays later than he should, that does not change wake up time. Our LO doesn't allow sleeping in, so she annoys him until he gets up, but in any case I would not be okay with up until dawn and sleeping the day away. This isn't college. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1975812 Mon, 08 Dec 2014 15:50:15 +0000 Raindrop 1975812@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You got some good advise here! I especially like the one where you give him ... basically a "honey-do" list. We tried this... it didn't work out for us but it works out really well for two of my co-workers that I have talked to this about.</p> <p>You should definitely try out a bunch of things and find what works best for you.</p> <p>As someone with a husband that had a mother that did everything... it's tough to live up to that standard. DH has a higher clean standard than me... and on top of that because he was so use to his mother just doing everything it never struck him to just clean it up himself. It took a lot of conversations to let him know I'm not like his mother and if he wanted someone like his mother it wasn't going to be me and this was earlier on in our relationship so I said it's okay we can just move on ... but eventually we worked it out.</p> <p>It definitely takes a lot of work and I still remind him of all the things I do once in a while (though it's less and less often I have to do this) to get through to him that everything is fair and yes I'm doing a lot of things ... and he might need to do more.</p> <p>Good luck... I think it's good that you are working on this now before having kids. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1975697 Mon, 08 Dec 2014 15:02:07 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 1975697@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@babycanuck: I totally get people being tired and being cranky, but he is in charge of his actions &amp; words regardless of hiw much sleep he got (a lesson better learned pre-sleepless newborn nights!). I don't think I can really answer your question because I've never had to convince my husband of how hard I work. But if this is an issue of chore division, fairness, and respect I'd probably talk to him about how upsetting it is to constantly hear you don't "do" as much and that you'd like him to be more respectful when he talks to you about this topic. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1975661 Mon, 08 Dec 2014 14:46:30 +0000 LuLu Mom 1975661@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@babycanuck: My husband grew up in a very "traditional" setting as well, but I made it very clear that we both work 40+ hours a week, that the housework/child raising is 50/50. We "draw" chores every Sunday and that is what we are in charge of for the week. Each get 3, and then we go every other day on bath for LO. I do the cooking (he's pretty hopeless at it) but he's in charge of dishes. </p> <p>I think you need to sit him down BEFORE you throw a LO in the mix and explain the expectations of now and in the future. You can't be expected to go it alone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1975422 Mon, 08 Dec 2014 13:02:32 +0000 Ms.Badger 1975422@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @alohaorchid: , my husband just doesn't see mess the same way I do. He stays up much later than me so when I say goodnight I mention a few things that he should do before he goes to sleep (last night, he helped with cooking dinner so I just asked him to put the remaining dishes in the dishwasher and hand wash the pots and pans). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1975346 Mon, 08 Dec 2014 12:14:52 +0000 wrkbrk 1975346@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@babycanuck: I see. Thanks for explaining. Thats what they told me too - the placement of MY fibroid would interfere with implantation even though they don't for everyone. Best of luck to you moving forward!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1975116 Mon, 08 Dec 2014 10:27:37 +0000 alohaorchid 1975116@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I didn't read the responses so</p> <p>When my husband and I first starting living together, I just took on the role of doing everything. I would do all of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. while he did whatever he wanted. My commute is three times as long as his, plus my workday is already longer so my work technically took up more of my week than his, yet he didn't have to do anything at home. </p> <p>He has one day off during the week, then we both have Sunday off together (I get Saturday &amp; Sunday). On his weekday off, he would usually do nothing at all, whereas on Saturday I would be doing household things. All. Day. Long. It got to a point where Saturday would make me so angry and upset that I began to dread it. </p> <p>Eventually I came to a breaking point and told him he needs to help out and I can't take it anymore. He didn't even realize how much I was doing and how much it was bothering me. He promised to help around the house, but as I found, nothing changed. Then, once I started asking him to do specific things, everything changed. Now if I need help, I ask him to do something and he does it.</p> <p>Long story short: Be specific. Don't say "you need to help out more", tell him "can you please put the dishes away before bed tonight". Be clear on what you need from him, how it makes you feel when you don't get it and when/how you need it done. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1975035 Mon, 08 Dec 2014 09:54:02 +0000 looch 1975035@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@babycanuck: what happens if you leave them? Does he eventually load them? It might be a discussion about timing....I have to be explicit with my husband. If I say, "do the laundry please" he will do it on his own time. If I say, "can you please take the clothes out of the dryer now" he has a complete item he can take action on. I learned this the hard way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974991 Mon, 08 Dec 2014 09:32:33 +0000 babycanuck 1974991@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: He'll have friends over, bbq dinner, leave dishes all over the counter or the table and expect me to wash them all and/or load them in the dishwasher. I've asked him time and time again, just put them in the dishwasher, it's RIGHT THERE. Some days he's really great, and other days I'm like DUDE...I even left the door of the dishwasher open for you. Ugh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974960 Mon, 08 Dec 2014 09:16:32 +0000 looch 1974960@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What kind of mess is he making? I am not understanding what it is he that he thinks you should be doing? Like putting his drinking glasses in the dishwasher, or what?</p> <p>My husband and I never had a discussion about household chores, but if he wasn't pulling his weight and at least taking care of his mess, I would have to consider how much it bothered me and how likely he was willing to change (unlikely). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974944 Mon, 08 Dec 2014 09:05:39 +0000 blackbird 1974944@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@babycanuck: Don't make excuses for his nasty behavior. He needs to own up to it and apologize. We all have bad days where we are tired and say inappropriate things but we apologize b/c that's the right thing to do :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974943 Mon, 08 Dec 2014 09:04:22 +0000 edelweiss 1974943@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>the division of household chores is almost always a relationship issue. we have come to accept that i do more household chores than DH--it's on my radar, i care about it more, i'm better at it, etc. he definitely does stuff, but i'm the anal one. that being said, he acknowledges and knows that i do more stuff than him, and thanks me for it almost every single day. appreciation and acknowledgment go a long way. sounds like you guys should have a talk about your expectations. and asking you to clean up after him and his friend is kind of clueless on his part. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974910 Mon, 08 Dec 2014 08:42:28 +0000 hilary 1974910@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>A conversation is in order (when you're both well rested). But I kind of disagree with the 50/50 thing. I feel like that's not super attainable. We talked about each of our strengths and those are the chores that we end up with. I'm OCD and dont' like to eat the same thing over and over so do almost all of the cooking and cleaning. DH is a finance nerd so handles all money affairs with a montly 'state of the family' money update to me along with having all of our account info in a file in case I want to go look on my own. So I end up doing a ton of work day in and day out to keep the household running, and he spends a couple hours monthly doing all the money stuff. It's by no means 50/50 but I'd be miserable doing the money stuff and would be annoyed if he didn't clean up to my standards so it works for us. That's just an example but playing to your strengths and asking for help when you feel like you might start getting resentful goes a long way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974902 Mon, 08 Dec 2014 08:30:29 +0000 babycanuck 1974902@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wrkbrk: A septum is extra tissue growing down from the top centre of the uterus. It's like....a string from a balloon hanging, I guess? For me it wouldn't allow an egg to implant, it was pretty big. Some women have no issues getting pregnant with it, but I had to remove mine.</p> <p>If you get AF right away, you should be able to try that next O time, that's what we're doing. She did say, though, that sometimes these surgeries mess up your cycle and can take up to 2 months to return.</p> <p>@wonderstruck: We've definitely spoken about if/when we have kids and that I am only one person. He totally understands that. I feel like he was tired and needed to show off in front of his friend, which totally backlashed because I went to bed anyway, and his friend is a super great guy and cleans up after himself even when he's somewhere else. I, though, am really frustrated with all of this and a lot of work stress. My work stress I don't say a peep to him about - he works hard, and I get that.</p> <p>Hopefully today when he gets home from work he's in a decent mood. I told him last night when I woke him up to get into pajamas that "you better sleep that damn mood off". lol </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974771 Sun, 07 Dec 2014 23:11:42 +0000 travellingbee 1974771@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but I gotta agree that this isn't a man thing. My husband totally gets how hard I work and wouldn't think of telling me I don't cook enough etc. He knows that isn't my job as I have a full time job just like him. I do cook often but we hire help for cleaning because he's messy and I don't have time. We function as a team and we both pull our weight. I really think you guys need to talk about this. And grown ups should know that if they stay out late, they're not gonna still have to be an adult the next day. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974766 Sun, 07 Dec 2014 23:00:42 +0000 wonderstruck 1974766@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would be super pissed! And I would also expect that he probably also has the attitude that diaper changes and feedings and such are "women's work"; this is really something to get sorted out BEFORE you are pregnant. If couples counseling is needed for him to get it, it will be worth every penny for the two of you to get this hashed out.</p> <p>This wouldn't fly with me. At all. My DH also came from a home where his mom did everything - the grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking, child rearing, etc. I straight up told my DH before we were married and had kids that would never be me, and if he wanted that kind of marriage I wasn't the one for him. We are a team, and heads would freaking roll if he ever told me to clean up after him and his friend! It's one thing to tell someone that you know they're working really hard lately but you need more help around the house (been there, said that.) It's quite another to accuse someone of never doing anything and bitch all day about it after a night out partying with friends. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974690 Sun, 07 Dec 2014 21:28:50 +0000 macintosh 1974690@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@babycanuck: This would not fly with me. Before my husband was disabled, we were very egalitarian with the chores. When I worked longer hours he did more chores and vice versa.</p> <p>It sounds like he needs to change his attitude, especially before you have kids. It's not ok for him to tell you to clean up after him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974687 Sun, 07 Dec 2014 21:25:44 +0000 Adira 1974687@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Definitely agree with @catomd00: that this isn't a man thing. It's your husband and you need to have a conversation with him. Both my husband and I work full-time and have children. The house isn't always clean and we order take-out a lot because we're both too tired to cook, but we're definitely equals and contribute to the household and childcare 50/50! If anything, he does more around the house and I tend to do more of the childcare, but that's just how it works out for us. He would never tell me I don't do enough or don't work as hard as he does! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974635 Sun, 07 Dec 2014 20:45:53 +0000 catomd00 1974635@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I dont think this is a man thing, it's a your husband is being kind of a dick thing. It will get 1000000 times worse once a baby comes along, since no matter how great your partner is, you will most likely be the default parent (esp if you are nursing.) so, I really suggest you guys work this out now because your husband will need to step it up around the house once a baby comes along. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974605 Sun, 07 Dec 2014 20:17:35 +0000 yoursilverlining 1974605@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If he wants a cleaner house, he's certainly able to quickly change the situation. :happy: He can clean it himself or hire a housekeeper. "Wife" does not mean "maid" or "cook". </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974604 Sun, 07 Dec 2014 20:16:31 +0000 wrkbrk 1974604@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@babycanuck: What does that mean, a septum? A separating of some kind? Yikes I am so glad it's over! My doctor also said to "wait a cycle" - what do you think this means? AF is due Dec 20 ... so ovulation could be Jan 2. Do you think it means I have to wait another one after that?? I wasn't clear... haha. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974599 Sun, 07 Dec 2014 20:12:44 +0000 babycanuck 1974599@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wrkbrk: I had a partial septum, which I told was pretty small and turned out to be pretty big. It was day surgery - in and out in 3 hours and I was crazy nervous, but it's done and recovery was easy. The surgeon said we could start after my first full cycle and luckily it didn't mess me up at all - the surgery was the thursday before AF was due saturday, and 4 weeks later I got my period again :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974586 Sun, 07 Dec 2014 19:50:57 +0000 wrkbrk 1974586@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@babycanuck: Sorry to be off topic - but you said you just had uterine surgery. What kind if you don't mind sharing? Only asking because I did too - Friday! I had a fibroid removed ... waiting for the pathology report. It.was.not.fun. But hopefully this means we can TTC in Jan or Feb!! :) Hope yours went well. And that your husband takes off his cranky pants! ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974568 Sun, 07 Dec 2014 19:15:17 +0000 Little Misters Mom 1974568@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The silver lining is that division of labor issues become hugely, exponentially more complicated when you have a baby. So pre-TTC is a great time to sit down and talk about your expectations and his. </p> <p>Your post sort of makes it sounds as if your DH thinks that women, just by virtue of being female, don't work as hard as men, which... yikes. And being "told" to clean up after another adult... oh HELL no. :shocked: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974556 Sun, 07 Dec 2014 18:58:44 +0000 Mrs. Oatmeal 1974556@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@babycanuck: I'm sorry. I'm really struggling with this lately- And I for sure work shorter hours than you do! I can only imagine.<br /> Hopefully, it was just a bad day, and he apologizes tomorrow (and wakes up in time to TTC ;) ) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974551 Sun, 07 Dec 2014 18:52:54 +0000 blackbird 1974551@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@babycanuck: yeah I would gently remind him that you aren't his mommy, that he needs to pick up after himself, and that TELLING you to do things isn't an appropriate way to treat your spouse. I do plenty of things when asked-not when told </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-dude-just-doesnt-get-it#post-1974531 Sun, 07 Dec 2014 18:11:20 +0000 cait 1974531@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@babycanuck: It sounds like it's time to sit down and have a talk about your expectations, and make a schedule if that helps. I'd say it's better to get this sorted out before a LO enters the picture and there's even more responsibilities to share. </p>