https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 27 Apr 2026 05:44:06 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-four-things-that-will-kill-a-relp-criticism-contempt-defensive-and-stonewalling#post-98458 Wed, 21 Mar 2012 16:10:21 +0000 runsyellowlites 98458@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would probably be the one to get more defensive, but I'm not one to or ever have been a table turner... and I generally very quickly regress &amp; apologize.</p> <p>DH would try to stonewall when we first started dating, but it was more of a passive aggressiveness.. something that I saw my dad do in my parents marriage so for us it got dealt with pretty quick. lol If it hadn't there would've never been any I Do's.</p> <p>Otherwise we tend to avoid all of the 4 when communicating or in conflict. =) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-four-things-that-will-kill-a-relp-criticism-contempt-defensive-and-stonewalling#post-98454 Wed, 21 Mar 2012 16:07:24 +0000 mrsjyw 98454@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm pretty sure I've done all of the above. I think my two weak points are criticizing/contempt. Need to work on that... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-four-things-that-will-kill-a-relp-criticism-contempt-defensive-and-stonewalling#post-98448 Wed, 21 Mar 2012 16:04:21 +0000 Mrs. Pen 98448@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Very interesting! </p> <p>Most of these issues we have dealt with and thankfully got over within the first year of marriage. Obviously it takes a lot of humility to continue avoiding all these pitfalls, but it's so worth it to have the thriving marriage we have.</p> <p>I used to be very critical of my husband and he used to stonewall me. I would pick apart things he did that annoyed me, and during conflict he would walk away or be silent and never try to work it out.</p> <p>It didn't take long though for us to see how these two reactions were tearing the other one down. We learned to resolve conflict better. We now are more patient and calm and both respectfully hear the other person out before saying anything, admit we're wrong and ask for forgiveness.</p> <p>I must say sometimes I'm sure I still come off as a little critical when I'm stressed or upset about something, but my husband is so sweet and just ignores it until I'm in a mood to be confronted about it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-four-things-that-will-kill-a-relp-criticism-contempt-defensive-and-stonewalling#post-98425 Wed, 21 Mar 2012 15:50:24 +0000 yoursilverlining 98425@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Luckily, we don’t do any of these things in our marriage. We honestly never fight, and when we disagree about something, so far we’ve always been able to remain calm and civil about it. I guess maybe we’re both just uber laid back people? Sometimes I’ll find myself getting a little ragey now and then about something (thank you pregnancy hormones), and I just always try to wait a bit before bringing up the issue. I figure if I’m still mad after a walk around the block, or after a shower, or after sleeping on it – then it’s worth bringing up. If not…well, then I don’t.</p> <p>In past relationships, I have been HUGELY guilty of stonewalling. I did it because I was terrified of fighting – and what would happen after. I was scared I would lose my partner or lose the relationship. I was so scared of rocking the boat I would never communicate anything, which I think was partly a self esteem issue. Thank God my marriage is not that previous relationship. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-four-things-that-will-kill-a-relp-criticism-contempt-defensive-and-stonewalling#post-98395 Wed, 21 Mar 2012 15:31:44 +0000 Modern Daisy 98395@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You probably won't believe me when I say this, but we have never critisized each other or shown contempt towards one another. It's always been very important to both of us not to do this in our relationship and I'm happy to say we've been successful so far.</p> <p>Defensive - check! Guilty! We've come a long way though. When DH expresses an issue he's having, I try not to immediately start getting defensive and he does the same. We still haven't mastered it yet though.</p> <p>Stonewalling is hard to answer. It's been 5 years together and DH still won't speak up sometimes if he's against doing something I'm proposing. I've gotten a lot better about reading his cues though and he has made an effort to be more assertive. And I've never had a problem with talking to him about OUR issues, but I used to bottle up all my own non-relationship issues which really bothered him. So I guess we do stonewall at times, but as time goes by it's less and less. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-four-things-that-will-kill-a-relp-criticism-contempt-defensive-and-stonewalling#post-98389 Wed, 21 Mar 2012 15:28:44 +0000 Maysprout 98389@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Luckily I don't think we do any of those things. If either of us does it gets pointed out and apologized for pretty quickly. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-four-things-that-will-kill-a-relp-criticism-contempt-defensive-and-stonewalling#post-98273 Wed, 21 Mar 2012 13:43:32 +0000 Mrs. Sunglasses 98273@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Can I click all of the above?! ha. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-four-things-that-will-kill-a-relp-criticism-contempt-defensive-and-stonewalling#post-98240 Wed, 21 Mar 2012 13:27:19 +0000 daniellemybelle 98240@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have Gottman's book on my bedside table waiting to be read! Sadly, DH &amp; I have seen all four "horsemen" in our relationship. On our worst days, I wonder what Gottman's diagnosis would be of us... :( We started going to counseling not too long ago, though, and it really helped us see how we get into destructive patterns so quickly. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-four-things-that-will-kill-a-relp-criticism-contempt-defensive-and-stonewalling#post-98119 Wed, 21 Mar 2012 11:37:51 +0000 mrs. wagon 98119@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>this is SO interesting. Haven't even finished reading yet... let alone took the poll.. here I go! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-four-things-that-will-kill-a-relp-criticism-contempt-defensive-and-stonewalling#post-98118 Wed, 21 Mar 2012 11:34:55 +0000 mediagirl 98118@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I haven't read this book but do see two key items that I have used in the past: Defensiveness and Stonewalling. I still do the stonewalling when I'm really upset and don't want to say something that will hurt him. I've worked on the Defensiveness, and so has my husband. We went through counseling before we were married. One of the biggest things we took out of those sessions was how to phrase our wording to one another when we are upset. For example:</p> <p>"The dog went to the bathroom in the family room again. I'm so frustrated by this, what can we do about it??"</p> <p>I've learned that is a much better way of telling your SO about something bad happening. We both used to have a habit of blaming the other person. If this happened while I was away, I might have said:</p> <p>"Why weren't you watching the dogs? If you had been watching them, this wouldn't have happened. I don't understand why this always happens when I'm away. Now our carpets are ruined and look horrible." </p> <p>All that ever did was cause conflict because I'm placing blame.</p> <p>I think knowing how you react in times of frustration and anger is so important so you can work on it and make sure your anger doesn't automatically hurt the other person. Also, anger is a secondary emotion. For us, most of the time, those emotions being covered up are fear and sadness. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-four-things-that-will-kill-a-relp-criticism-contempt-defensive-and-stonewalling#post-4224 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 19:02:35 +0000 heartonastring 4224@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I LOVE that book! I read it shortly after we got engaged, and then found out that it was also the basis for our church's (very non-religious) marriage prep course. Any time I feel like I need a reminder of what makes marriage work, I refer back to the book. I really love its common sense, evidence-based approach to marriage. </p> <p>My husband and I are pretty good about fighting fair and taking a reasoned approach to disagreements. I think the one principle that helped us the most was understanding that it's okay not to agree on everything and that only the most major, fundamental disagreements may be dealbreakers (but even they don't need to be), whereas disagreeing over something trivial (like how often we clean, or how we load the dishwasher - yes, most of our arguments have to do with domestic duties!), even if you disagree about it FOREVER, isn't going to make or break a marriage. It's common sense, but sometimes, in the heat of the moment you can forget it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-four-things-that-will-kill-a-relp-criticism-contempt-defensive-and-stonewalling#post-4200 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 15:48:04 +0000 mrbee 4200@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow, 8 people have voted on the poll... but no comments yet! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-four-things-that-will-kill-a-relp-criticism-contempt-defensive-and-stonewalling#post-4146 Thu, 13 Oct 2011 09:37:21 +0000 mrbee 4146@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>John Gottman is a marriage expert who says he can predict with 96% accuracy within THREE minutes if your relationship will survive or not (!!?).</p> <p>&lt;&lt; Dr. John Gottman ... bases his predictions on four potentially destructive communication styles and coping mechanisms: (1) harsh startup, (2) the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, (3) flooding, and (4) body language. &gt;&gt;</p> <p><a href="http://www.chinnstreetcounseling.com/zomerland/zomerland_8.shtml" rel="nofollow">http://www.chinnstreetcounseling.com/zomerland/zomerland_8.shtml</a></p> <p>I read up on the four horsemen and found it fascinating... here are some examples from that article:</p> <p>1. Criticism: </p> <p>"I was scared when you were running late and didn't call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other" is a complaint. "You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don't believe you are that forgetful; you just don't think about me" is a criticism. </p> <p>2. Contempt:</p> <p>"I've been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do, when you come home from work, is to flop down on that sofa and become a couch potato. You are just about the sorriest excuse for a husband I can think of." </p> <p>3. Defensiveness:</p> <p>She: "Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that we are not coming tonight as you said this morning you would?" He: "I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact you knew how busy my schedule was. Why didn't you just do it?" He not only responds defensively but turns the table and makes it her fault. A nondefensive response would have been: "Oooops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be packed. Let me call them right now."</p> <p>4. Stonewalling:</p> <p>When we stonewall, we avoid conflict either because we are unconscious of our own feelings or because we are afraid. Rather than confronting the issues (usually they tend to accumulate) with our partner, we make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, being busy or engaging in obsessive behaviors. We simply stop engaging in the business of relating to another person. </p> <p>--------</p> <p>Curious how many people have regularly encounter the four horsemen in their relationships, so I created a poll!</p> <p>Have you encountered these issues in your relationship? Would love to hear how you dealt with it! </p>