https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 18 Apr 2026 21:15:24 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-871658 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 15:16:25 +0000 cascademom 871658@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: It sucks, but it's how things have been for awhile. This was a recent flare up in a couple of months I believe. I'll be happy to not have crazy arguments about toilet paper. </p> <p>@Weagle: Oh I completely agree. We really weren't given those "oh just you wait" until after LO arrived. I kind of think of the same thing with my MIL. BIL's girlfriend will have to learn how to manage MIL in her own way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-871194 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 14:00:02 +0000 Weagle 871194@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cascademom: "There's so much going on with baby and the outside pressures that it gets reflected in the weirdest ways sometimes."</p> <p>Yes. It all sounds ridiculous until the first time you have an argument about toilet paper :). I hate to be a "just you wait..." Type of person. But I think the article was saying that. You don't know how becoming parents will effect you, but the things she mentioned definitely happen. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-871159 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 13:47:57 +0000 Anagram 871159@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cascademom: OMG. Both Dh and I are terrible about changing the toilet paper....and our bathroom is tiny, so we can't even store the extras in the bathroom (they are sitting on top of the stackable washer/dryer in a hallway closet).</p> <p>So frequently, one of us will be ON THE TOILET, shouting for the other one to bring us another roll. lol. That's just how we roll.</p> <p>We'd have killed each other by now if those little things got us riled up. Poor you for having to deal with him taking his frustrations out on you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-871130 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 13:40:55 +0000 cascademom 871130@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: Ohh thanks!!</p> <p>@MrsCB: It's good you can laugh about it. For DH, this isn't a laughing matter. My response to it wasn't the best, so that probably escalated it somewhat too. Little things like the toilet paper have become big when the context of our lives has changed dramatically in the last year or so. Lately, when he gets like this, I have to try really hard to hold back on thinking it's ridiculous (which I didn't do) because there's something else underlying there. He'll never admit that there might be something else underlying, but there is. He tends to get upset over little stuff when there's pressure from work and his family. When things were awful between us in relation to the MIL, he would nitpick at me for the smallest things. When that's not going on, it's easier. </p> <p>I can definitely say that the dynamics of our relationship have changed with baby and with inlaw conflict. For him, me not changing the toilet paper is huge and a greater reflection of things. Hopefully in time, things in general will settle down. There's so much going on with baby and the outside pressures that it gets reflected in the weirdest ways sometimes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-871034 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 13:26:13 +0000 Anagram 871034@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cascademom: Here you go! <a href="http://www.seattlepi.com/lifestyle/advice/article/Advice-What-to-expect-for-the-woman-expecting-4572930.php" rel="nofollow">http://www.seattlepi.com/lifestyle/advice/article/Advice-What-to-expect-for-the-woman-expecting-4572930.php</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-870842 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 12:56:13 +0000 ShootingStar 870842@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cascademom: We mostly laugh about that kind of stuff. A few weeks ago I did something similar with the toilet paper roll, and he was laughing that the new rule should be that there should be at least enough TP to blow your nose. Though maybe with a baby in a few months we'd be under more stress. But at the moment, I'm not sure I see things changing much. Meaning I am awful at household chores (but I cook, feed the dog and take care of the finances), and DH and our cleaning service do most of the rest. So when the baby comes, I imagine he'll be continuing to do cleanup. He seriously does so much around the house and takes great care of me while pregnancy is making me useless, I guess it's a lot more likely that he'll be disappointed in me!</p> <p>I'm sure I'll probably understand more of this once we're actually going through it in a few months. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-870798 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 12:47:37 +0000 cascademom 870798@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: Do you have a link to this article? I'd love to send it to DH. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-870794 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 12:46:27 +0000 Weagle 870794@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsCB: Yeah, I don't think she's talking about using crack in front of the baby kind of disappointment. I think disappointment, along with other emotions, can seem more significant or common when you're in the throes of parenting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-870789 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 12:45:11 +0000 cascademom 870789@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Weagle: I agree with so much of what you said there. </p> <p>@MrsCB: I think that the disappointment in each other comes from changing expectations of each other in regards to parenting and the house. It's been a huge wakeup call for us about what each other's expectations are of cleaning and care. It took us a long time to reach some understanding of this through chorewars, etc. </p> <p>Hell, I disappointed DH last night when I didn't change a nearly empty roll of toilet paper because he was bathing the baby and needed help. I didn't see it as a big deal, but for him it was. We have a bad dance that we do where we hurt each other when needs/annoyances aren't addressed properly. This is a growing pain of our relationship since having LO. I made a new active chore on chorewars to address the toilet paper issue and see if it changes my behavior. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-870755 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 12:37:42 +0000 ShootingStar 870755@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Weagle: I'm not sure that I have. At least not in any significant way for years. Maybe she's talking about a lower level of disappointment than I'm thinking of? I guess I can see having moments of mild disappointment, but not having that feeling of "I'm so diappointed with you". </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-870176 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 10:17:07 +0000 Weagle 870176@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsCB: Have you never been disappointed in him before? I'm not saying your DH is a loser, mine isn't either. He's absolutely a fantastic father and husband! However, he's human. As am I. We disappoint each other sometimes. Sometimes it's legit, and sometimes him disappointing me is a reflection of my selfishness. DH and I had a VERY easy relationship pre-LO. We've definitely disappointed each other since having her more than ever before. But our marriage is FAR from going down the hole. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-869913 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 08:50:51 +0000 ShootingStar 869913@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Does disappointing each other have to be a given? For some reason that one makes me particularly sad. Sad to think that I'll be disappointed in DH when he's one of the most helpful people on the planet. And sad to think he could be disappointed in me somehow. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-869826 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 08:29:37 +0000 honeybear 869826@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes, I'd say she got it about right. Of the first three "givens", I think the last one is true of life in general. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-869776 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 08:18:48 +0000 ladybee 869776@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think I'm going to print this and hang it on our fridge! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-869763 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 08:16:19 +0000 Anagram 869763@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>lol. "the baby is the enemy". lol </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-869757 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 08:14:56 +0000 Espion 869757@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I read this in a blog the other day, made me laugh (of course this is very tongue-in-cheek): "A very useful phrase to repeat whenever you start to ask why your baby is doing something confusing and unpredictable: 'Babies be babies.' (I think I'll put this on a needlepoint pillow if I have another child.) And a very useful phrase to repeat when you find yourself turning to your spouse blamefully: Your spouse is not the enemy. The baby is the enemy." —Emily, my sister-in-law"</p> <p>(<a href="http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2013/06/5-wonderful-motherhood-tips.html#more" rel="nofollow">http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2013/06/5-wonderful-motherhood-tips.html#more</a>) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-869716 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 08:06:45 +0000 littlebittyhouse 869716@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH and I were just talking about this last night! I think it is really spot on! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-869615 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 07:24:14 +0000 kml636 869615@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As usual, Carolyn is 100% right! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-868002 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 13:32:08 +0000 Weagle 868002@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with her. I think that except for special circumstances, most parenting weariness could be boiled down to those things. Parenting require selflessness, for your kids and your SO. Nobody said it would be easy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-givens-of-parenting-article#post-867974 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 13:25:54 +0000 Anagram 867974@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is part of a response from a recent Carolyn Hax column. Someone wrote in saying she was expecting but that all of her friends with kids seems to fight with their husbands a lot. Carolyn wrote that fighting with your husband isn't a given after having kids, but these things are. Do you agree?</p> <p>You will be tired.</p> <p>You will have responsibilities (diapers, feedings, play) that are boring, repetitive, relentless, mildly irritating, rewarding mostly in the long term, and of great consequence to your bond with your child.</p> <p>You will be faced with things you have no idea how to handle.</p> <p>You will have bad moods for one of these three reasons, and they will be exacerbated by the other two.</p> <p>You will not agree with your husband on everything.</p> <p>You will disappoint each other.</p> <p>Each of you at times will think you're the one doing more work.</p> <p>Daunting, yes, but not hopeless as long as you both agree to put everything you've got into this. That means not rolling over and making it the other person's turn to get up unless it actually is. It means seeing what needs to be done and doing it, instead of hoping the elves take over. It means communicating -- "I do plan to do the dishes, I just need to sit for a second."</p> <p>When both of you can plainly see that neither of you is taking advantage of the other, then you can use these other, highly effective fight-pre-empters:</p> <p>-- Recognizing the other person is tired, too.</p> <p>-- Occasionally giving the other person time off, even when it's technically your turn.</p> <p>-- Admitting when you're faced with something you don't know how to solve.</p> <p>-- Apologizing when you let your spouse down, and forgiving when he lets you down.</p> <p>-- Leaving it alone when you disagree on something small -- it's OK for kids to have different experiences with different parents -- and taking it sit-down-and-talk seriously when you disagree on something big. It's not OK to disagree on so much that your kids (at surprisingly young ages) learn to use you against each other for leverage. It's also not OK when one parent insists on something genuinely risky (texting while driving, say).</p> <p>-- Finding family-workable ways to deal with your bad moods. Will a walk do it? A trip to the gym? Ice cream for breakfast one day will not derail the train. Make sure you both have outlets.</p> <p>-- Scheduling time, regularly, to remind you why you like each other. Date night, a favorite show or team, etc.</p> <p>Parents who support and appreciate each other tend to like each other more, of course, but so do those who adapt under pressure instead of martyring themselves. If you believe the workload is out of balance, then revisit your choices; don't just wear them down into ruts. </p>