https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 16 Apr 2026 07:37:06 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812734 Thu, 29 Mar 2018 07:07:20 +0000 MrsBucky 2812734@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think there is a difference between not kinskeeping for your partner and actively blocking. I’m sensitive to this because while my in laws can frustrate me, Family is a priority to me, so I support and to An extent encourage a relationship between my husband and His family and thus my son and my in laws. I have two SILs who do the opposite- I can’t tell if it’s actively blocking, or just creating enough roadblocks by not prioritizing it, but the result is the same- there is a HUGE disparity in the time they spent with his family v hers. I resent that, especially since there are no major reasons in place in either case. That said, I do think my parents have a slight advantage- both sets live a trip away- my in laws about 5 hours by car, my parents 3 hours by plane. We split holidays every year (one family gets thanksgiving, the other Christmas). We host my in laws for weekends probably 4-6 weekends per year. My parents come less often but for longer each time. I’m also more comfortable taking my son to my parents than to my in laws for mostly logistical reasons (space, safety) but also because I’m more comfortable. As he default parent, I tend to have more time caring for my son when my husband isn’t there, so at those times I’m more likely to visit my parents than his. But I’m sensitive to wanting it to be reasonably even, so while I don’t plan things, I definitely don’t discourage or throw up roadblocks. I will also say my husband is good about FaceTimeing his parents about once a week, so although I’m still default planner/ kinskeeper, he does work to maintain ties with his family also. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812731 Thu, 29 Mar 2018 06:28:08 +0000 cake2017 2812731@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mom helps with DS. My in laws are 30-40mins away but they don’t watch him. We have an okay relationship. I think personality, trust, and relationships play a huge factor. I thought about it this morning. DH understands my feelings about his parents and i’m okay with a monthly visit from them. </p> <p>As a child, my maternal grandparents were alive and we saw them monthly or so. My paternal grandparents were not living. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812730 Thu, 29 Mar 2018 05:57:17 +0000 csross217 2812730@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is definitely true within our family. Growing up, I was very close to my maternal grandmother because she was my main "babysitter" and lived close by. My paternal grandparents lived a few states away and we only saw them once a year or so.</p> <p>DD is much closer to my family, because my mother is also DD's primary babysitter. They're together a few days a week. DH's parents live nearby as well, but he's always had a very rocky, fragile relationship with them so they aren't very involved (by their choice). DD loves them and sees them once every few weeks, but the relationship will never be the same as it is with my side of the family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812729 Thu, 29 Mar 2018 05:56:02 +0000 Ms.Mermaid 2812729@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mother aggressively made sure we had equal relationships with all our grandparents - once both of them lived with a few miles she made sure we saw both of them every weekend. My grandfather was also an aggressive kin keeper and called to invite us to dinner weekly. </p> <p>I resent the assumption that everyone has grandparents. My mother has early onset Alzheimer’s and is now 65 in assisted living, can’t form complete sentences, and even though my daughter sees her every weekend with me, they will never be close because that can’t happen at this point. My Dad is also such a mess from placing my mom he is really frustrating to be around. As a result, I work aggressively to make sure my daughter has a solid relationship with her paternal grandparents because it is so important to me that she have grandparents. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812728 Thu, 29 Mar 2018 05:48:07 +0000 ElbieKay 2812728@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My son is definitely closer to my parents than my MIL, and my MIL is definitely upset about that.</p> <p>However, there is a long list of reasons why my MIL is not able to babysit for my son. Some of them are logistical and health-related, and to be honest some of them are because I don't trust her judgement or her decision-making. I don't think it is in my son's best interest to allow her to babysit.<br /> She also pushes for everything to be on her terms which I don't really have time or energy to indulge. So I throw up a lot of boundaries to preserve my sanity.</p> <p>My parents are super type A and responsible, and while I have my own baggage with them sometimes -- they can be overbearing and do not always share my values or my politics -- I fundamentally believe they will always put my kid's needs ahead of their wants or convenience. And they will babysit on our terms. So, they watch my son two days per week after school.</p> <p>We barely spend any time with my parents as a family other than seeing them at the end of the work day after their babysitting gig. We "socialize" with my MIL about once or maybe twice per month on the weekends. I know both sides would like more weekend time, but with two full time jobs and a crazy schedule we don't have a lot of time for errands or for downtime as a family.</p> <p>If I had a better relationship with my MIL, and if she had a better track record for sound decision-making and the ability to show up reliably and babysit according to our weekday schedule, the situation would be different. But this is the best I can do without feeling resentful.</p> <p>I will admit that the broader trend from the article is one reason I was hoping Baby #2 would be a girl. More broadly I wanted to experience both genders but I also feel like I have better odds of having stronger family connections when I am retired. I think there is plenty I can do to avoid being in my MIL's situation but separately I think the dynamic tends to be true for other reasons. I also agree that this often falls on the husband's poor communication skills but that doesn't mean I am immune to it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812719 Thu, 29 Mar 2018 01:09:31 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2812719@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m going to avoid this effect by still being LO’s BFF when he marries and takes a spouse. DH reminds I have the claim to fame now because LO doesn’t know that many people. HA</p> <p>Seriously though, I think a lot of this has to do with the relationship between the parents. DH adores both his parents and it’s truly just the distance that hinders LO and them from developing a closer relationship. Same goes for my mom. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812704 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 21:42:43 +0000 Miss Ariel 2812704@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This was true for me growing up, but not true for my kids. But I do think things would be different if my mom was still alive, since my dad and I have never really communicated well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812687 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 19:08:42 +0000 lamariniere 2812687@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not true for me or my kids. I basically didn't have a relationship with either set of my grandparents. One set was estranged, the other lived on another continent and we didn't share a language. For my own kids, my mom died, so they, unfortunately, don't have that relationship. My MIL is really fantastic and, despite the distance, is very involved in our kids lives and very hands on when they are around. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812678 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 18:23:46 +0000 erinbaderin 2812678@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It’s true for my family. Some of it is definitely distance - my parents live three hours away but visit at least once a month, whereas his family lives in England and only comes once a year. The relationship we DO have is, I feel, mainly down to me - I’m always the one who suggests we call - but I’m starting to lose interest in maintaining it, as I seem to be the only person who cares. My husband never suggests calling them and they never call us, don’t send birthday presents, and just told us they’re probably not going to visit this year. I really want my kids to have a close relationship with all their grandparents but the frustration that nobody else seems willing to put in any effort is getting to me.</p> <p>For me growing up it was not true, I was really close with both sets of grandparents. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812666 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 17:26:01 +0000 birdofafeather 2812666@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>not true for me growing up as my mom's parents died before i was born/when i was a toddler. but my dad's parents lived across the country from us too so who knows how it would have shook out if my mom's parents were alive.</p> <p>it's true in a sense for my kids but not at an extreme advantage for them personally. i'm very close to my mom and we live about 30 minutes closer to my family than DH's. i am the one that has to arrange them coming over though. and they are not the best about reaching out otherwise where my mom is always doing things for my kids and trying to see them. </p> <p>the other issue is that my SIL has now been monopolizing my MIL for full time childcare for the last year. so MIL gets exhausted caring for my nephew and then has a harder time wanting to get out and see us. so i try to do a combo of helpful time and play time when she comes to visit so she has motivation to see us more. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812658 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 16:43:17 +0000 mrsrain 2812658@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This was true growing up, but is not at all true for my family now. My children have a very close relationship with my in-laws and see them often. They are not very close with my parents and don’t see them often. This is partly because my mother is a narcissist, so we don’t go out of our way to see them. It’s mostly because they live far away and don’t make an effort to come see us while my in-laws do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812627 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 14:45:48 +0000 Sams Mom 2812627@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: I absolutely worry about it with our son, but I also have had so many horrible experiences with my own ILs that I think I can at least be better than that. </p> <p>My grandma used to always say you have a daughter for life and a son until the day he gets married. And I really want to avoid that becoming the case. </p> <p>I totally get the you'll love your baby boy so much until the day you die, and always know that you will be there for him no matter what, and can do the job better than any other person could. But I've been on the receiving end of the you will never take care of my son as well as I did, you're using him for his money, you're bleeding him dry, when you leave because you will leave him because you're an uneducated, money grubbing, white trash, ungrateful w***e shrieking in a public parking lot; I have a lot of drive to be the best MIL I can be. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812625 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 14:45:00 +0000 Mama Bird 2812625@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's all personality in my family. My parents lived with my mom's parents, and my grandma pretty much raised me. But no one kept my father's mom away, she just wasn't interested. She had another granddaughter to dote on, and didn't need us. This didn't end well, but again, not because anyone was trying to keep her at a distance.</p> <p>My MIL's definitely more interested in being a grandma than my mom. She's not able to be as hands on as she'd like because of her health, but she tries... with my mom it's often like pulling teeth. But she takes care of my grandma, which I could never do because of logistics. So I guess it's all fair. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812621 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 14:24:10 +0000 skipra 2812621@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Pretty true for us. Visits with my in laws are annoying at best so I have stopped making any effort. We see my parents and siblings a lot more often, especially my mom.</p> <p>Growing up only my mom's parents were alive when I was born and they lived with us half the year so we were close with them. We were not close with my mom's brother's family and just saw them once a year but we saw my dad's sisters and their family more often. One of my cousins even lived with us while she was going to school. So I do wonder how it would have been if my grandparents had still been around. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812620 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 14:23:23 +0000 bubblegum 2812620@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: Honestly after having my son is when I softened up with my SMIL. I would never not wanna be involved in my son's life and for that reason I took on the job of making sure the kids have a relationship with them. DH does not do the sharing of pictures or facetime and I understand he doesn't see it as important but I do. I'm hoping this is good karma for me and my future DIL. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812617 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 14:13:10 +0000 LuLu Mom 2812617@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We live within 15 minutes of both sets of grandparents, but I would say my girls are closer to my MIL and FIL. They LOVE to babysit and frequently ask too so we can go to dinner, etc. My parents are close to them but don't babysit as much so I think my girls just have a different bond. it sometimes makes me sad when they get "sad" when they found out it's my parents who are watching them instead of their "other" ones. </p> <p>I was closer with my paternal grandparents, mostly due to distance but we used to spend a lot of time on the farm with them. My mom's parents lived 8 hours away, so we saw them less frequently. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812609 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 13:46:53 +0000 gotkimchi 2812609@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: @dahlia: I told my mil and husband that I refuse to be in charge of their relationship and I’ve often said if they want to see our kids kids they should act like they want to see my husband more as well. I already work full time, deal with my family, an annoying husband :silly: , 2 kids and all the household stuff that many women do so I’m not taking it on. Another issue at play for us is they rarely wanted to see us when we were childless so now with kids them wanting to be over all the time felt overbearing and unnatural. I think if they would have had a stronger relationship with their son (or me) it would be different. We’ve been together since we were in high school so there was plenty of time. Now that I have a son I’ve often thought if I should rethink how I’m viewing this but I really believe if the child is close to the parent they’ll be involved. Finally, I’ve often felt and think this article shows that women get blamed and made out to be the bad guy in some of this stuff when really the husband doesn’t care/doesn’t want to go. The way we do things they have no one to “blame” but my husband </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812607 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 13:43:33 +0000 Tanjowen 2812607@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: Interesting article. And yes, it's true for me. Even if my mother-in-law moved to be near us, I would definitely be more cautious and not as open in contact as I am with my own mom. We had an issue last year where my MIL cut off contact with us - to include my 3 year old - for a few months, and that doesn't work for me. I can forgive a lot of things but will not subject my children to a situation where someone they adore would then refuse to see them when they didn't even do something wrong. We've mended fences but we have only physically seen them one time in the last year. </p> <p>So yes, I'm absolutely the gate keeper. I hate to think of my boys growing up and somehow I'm in this situation, but also hope to not be a crazy type MIL... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812604 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 13:38:18 +0000 Mrs D 2812604@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>True for me - due to extenuating circumstances. My dads parents both died before I was one...so naturally I was closest to the only remaining set of grand parents I had.</p> <p>As for my kids...I think they have special connections which each grandparent. My parents are divorced, so they have 3 sets. They definitely are closer to my parents, then their new spouses. They are probably least close to my MIL - she is weird about inviting herself over, and is a bit of a night owl....so she is done it to herself. Her husband (FIL) frequently stops by in the mornings for just 20-30 mins to play...the kids love it. MIL is usually still sleeping when he does this.</p> <p>Its interesting to think about who the kids would run to if all four biological grand parents were lined up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812602 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 13:27:54 +0000 Spinny 2812602@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is true for me and also for my son, but the main reason is distance. My paternal grandmother lived on the opposite coast and I saw her once every year or two during childhood. My in-laws live 12 hours away, so they only see my son a couple of times a year. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you/page/2#post-2812597 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 13:20:36 +0000 codeitall 2812597@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For my kids, they may recognize my DH's parents because of skype, but they suck at actually engaging them when they visit in real life. My parents don't skype, but they are always going out on adventures with my kids and playing with them. So I'd say they're closer to my parents. I don't do much in the way of kin keeping, but DH does initiate most of the skype calls with his parents.</p> <p>Due to a family feud, DH didn't really know his dad's side, but they [and we] and actually quite close to his mom's parents. They live the closest of any of the relatives at 2 hours away. They're too old to play with the kids well, but we love them anyway :)</p> <p>My paternal grandpa died when I was young and my grandma was too old to engage with the grandkids anymore, so we're not super close. She's also just a hard personality to spend time around.</p> <p>My maternal side played host for some of my favorite vacations. They're more formal, but I feel closer to them than my dad's side. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you#post-2812571 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 12:08:46 +0000 nana87 2812571@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Growing up I wasn't very close to either set of grandparents because of distance. My parents were high school sweethearts so they lived in the same city, and I had very equal relationships with each set-- like, when we would visit we'd split our time evenly in the two houses. </p> <p>My parents are much closer to my girls than mil is, partly because of distance--my parents split their time in my city now and my hometown because of their work situations. But also because I have a much more open communication style with them than dh has with mil. Mil constantly undermines dh's parenting, in particular, and that drives me crazy, and I just feel like there isn't the same level of implicit trust as with my parents. Like, we have limits we set with lo1 that I KNOW she doesn't agree with (mostly around screentime). Last visit, she told lo1 behind our back that she'd get to watch something if she was "good" but not to tell me--of COURSE lo1 told me, and I'm pissed as hell about that! I'm not interested in putting more effort into our relationship with her than she puts into it herself, either--I've abdicated any "kinkeeping" responsibility, dh can do what he wants and she can put in the effort if she cares but I'm done doing the emotional labor to keep that relationship "even" with my parents, who respect our parenting decisions and go out of their way to be helpful and supportive. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you#post-2812561 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 11:41:05 +0000 misolee 2812561@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not really for me. I was extremely close with my paternal grandmother and we had more family gatherings with my dads side of the family. Both my grandmothers lived with us for brief period of time throughout my childhood but for some reason, my brother and I related to my paternal grandmother more. At one point, they even lived in the same elderly housing but we would go see paternal grandmother way more until her passing last year. </p> <p>For my kids, it’s totally opposite. My parents live 20 minutes away. My in laws live on the other side of the globe. They’re older and my husband isn’t that close so we see them every couple of years </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you#post-2812556 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 11:36:59 +0000 LCTBQE 2812556@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Haha, this model doesn’t apply if the maternal grandparents are crazy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you#post-2812551 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 11:32:33 +0000 MrsTal 2812551@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For me growing up this wasn't true, my grandparents on both sides were within a few miles of us for most of my childhood so I was close with both sets but eventually my paternal grandma took over our after school childcare.</p> <p>Now my child is close with both his paternal grandma and my parents but DH's mom sees him more because she's 30 minutes away vs the 2.5 hours away for my parents. My parents make an effort to see him and his brother's multiple times a month and are taking my oldest to Disney in just a few weeks. Even though they see him less I would say he's close with both sets for different reasons. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you#post-2812550 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 11:32:01 +0000 Dahlia 2812550@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Grace: @Anagram: @newlypregnantlady: All good points too! </p> <p>I think the point about masculinity is absolutely true. DH has few friendships outside of me, and they work much like the relationship with his parents. They have a blast when they're together, but no one makes the effort to keep in touch or organize things very often otherwise. </p> <p>DH definitely doesn't do his share of kin-keeping. He only calls his parents once every week or two whereas I talk to mine almost every day. I'm the one who sends pictures to both sets of grandparents, and generally the one who organizes holiday presents, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you#post-2812549 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 11:32:00 +0000 kiddosc 2812549@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It was true for us growing up. My maternal grandparents were very family oriented basically the commercial version of grandparents and we saw them often. My paternal grandparents were more modern and involved in their own things and we weren't as close to them. </p> <p>Now, my kids are much closer to my parents, than DH's. Some of that is distance related and some is "kin keeper" related. Once we moved far away from DH's family, his mom put less and less effort into maintaining a relationship with our kids and DH seems unconcerned (she is, however, hyper involved with SIL's kids). His Dad (they're divorced) is actually much better about trying to stay in contact with our kids and they do have a better relationship with him . </p> <p>I'm slightly worried about this with my son. But I intend to be much like my own mother and make a conscious and intentional effort to stay involved. I don't think it's inevitable that I play second fiddle to a future DIL's parents. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you#post-2812548 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 11:31:00 +0000 alphagam84 2812548@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I had an equal relationship with all my grandparents growing up, they all lived close by. Currently, my daughter has a closer relationship with my parents who live a long drive or a plane ride away. That's because they're simply better with her and know how to act with kids. My in-laws aren't great with children even though they are closer and see us every couple of weeks. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you#post-2812542 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 11:19:16 +0000 Grace 2812542@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can see the argument, although it wasn’t my case growing up. We lived across the driveway from my paternal grandparents and my dad is very much a kin-keeper. My mom and her family just aren’t that close. My kids are closer to my parents, I think based on proximity. We see DH’s dad a couple times a year, he lives 800 km away. We see my family every week or two. @Dahlia: you know the other thing that bugged me? Where are the grandparent’s responsibility in all this? Kinkeeping can go both ways. There was one grandmother in the article lamenting that her daughter’s kid comes over a couple times a week but the son’s kid maybe once a month. But nowhere does it say that she invites them over or goes to see them! Or offers to babysit! She’s just expecting grandkids to appear in her house without lifting a finger. Gahh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage-is-this-true-for-you#post-2812541 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 11:16:01 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2812541@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For me growing up it was true, but for my kids it isn't. We live really far away from my family, but the only reason my kids have a relationship with my parents is because they (especially my mom) really make an effort to come visit and we try to do the same although admittedly it's hard for them because of work and hard for us because we have to travel with little kids and pay more in airfare now that we have children. (ETA, and yes I am way closer to my own mom than dh is to his mom. But his mom just comes when she wants. She is very close to and adored by our kids. And when I get annoyed with her- which can happen with anyone MIL or not- I remember how special my maternal grandma was to me and I just try to be grateful my kids have two grandmas that love them that much!) </p>