https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 25 Apr 2026 10:46:03 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2209208 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 18:02:37 +0000 HTownMom 2209208@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: I agree with @BananaPancakes:, plan a weekend away for you. Go away for the full 24 hrs and let your DH handle your LO. Even if it's hard to go when you have stuff on the weekend, it will help in the long run.<br /> Also, have your DH take over bath and bed time. My DH does this and he has his own routine he does with her and gets to play and rough house with her. She is also 22months.<br /> I think too that something that helped us was to really lay it all out in a big adult conversion about what you need him and how you want to see him do those things. Being very clear and calm in your detailed discussion should help too!<br /> Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2209197 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 17:36:38 +0000 Ginabean3 2209197@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I totally get where you are coming from. I SAHM and DH is a workaholic. What has actually helped us is me getting preggo with #2! He's had to step up big time because I can't do a lot of things that I used to do with DD. he's taken over bath time and bed time (although I hang out with them while he physically bathes her, etc, just for company and to hang out!) He also gets up with her in the weekend mornings now too so I can get extra rest. Yes, I don't agree with his choice of feeding her Lucky Charms for breakfast (he claims he picks out all the masrhmallows before giving it to her) but you know what, it's their special bonding time so I just go with it. I also have noticed an increased level of engagement now that DD is 26 months and very active, communicative and a lot more fun than say a 10 month old. Since she can do so much more now DH gets excited to do stuff with her! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2209181 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 17:06:42 +0000 Kimberlybee 2209181@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I understand where you are coming from, my DH has a leadership role at work so he's constantly talking, explaining, and directing. Once he's home, his ideal way to unwind is in silence and reading news on the iPad or watching TV. On the week days, I just go with the flow and he will play with DD a little bit before bedtime. He comes home right before dinner so there's not too much time left. Once Friday comes around, I let her stay up later so she can hang out longer and the weekends, I run errands solo on purpose so they have their time together. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2209165 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 16:23:26 +0000 Cherrybee 2209165@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: 100% agree! I find hanging out with my toddler really hard work and, although I love her with all of my heart, I am SO glad when DH offers to do bath time and leaves me to do dishes! On her grumpier days, I can think of a zillion places I'd rather be! :wink: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2209114 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 15:37:07 +0000 catomd00 2209114@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Go away for a weekend! My DH has gotten better and better with DD as she gets older and less attached to my boob! (16 months) but what really helped was him having her alone for a full day here and there. I started a new job so he had to take over for a while on doing the sick days. I also went away a few weekends ago too and even that made a huge difference in his confidence levels with her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2209094 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 15:24:48 +0000 Chillybear 2209094@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaG: You're right I am a bit controlling by nature, but I am working on "Letting it go" as much as I can and I give him a lot of leeway and dont expect anything extra if he's in charge of watching her. I'll have to be more aware of that</p> <p>@deerylou: Thanks for your response... The part about finding the connection before they become tweens/teens really resonated</p> <p>@2PeasinaPod: You're right I shouldnt have given him a choice, but now it feels like this is the routine and its going to be a hard habit to break. To me "cleaning up from dinner" means "cleaning up all the things" we've talked about what that means and he still only does the dishes, thus i feel like i'm nagging.... If i had a dollar for everytime i asked if he did something and he responded "oh i forgot.." I'd be a very rich woman. </p> <p>@Greentea: We're working on finding those things.... as of right now when I pull up he comes out and gets her out of her car seat and brings her inside so i can go in and get myself settled. We did the swim session and i think for the next session I'm going to push his boundaries and have him take her solo. I also want to show him the 1000 books before kindergarten and see if he'll do that with her. He loves reading and keeping lists and we now all have library cards. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2209090 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 15:22:37 +0000 gingerbebe 2209090@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Give him discreet tasks that are his deal and establish rituals that are just for them. My DH always gets DS in the morning, gives bath at night, and they usually have some play time in the morning after breakfast so I can eat and have a cup of coffee. They also regularly do stroller walks/swing at the park and if we are both home with him, DH is in charge of diapers. If we are in public together, DH does the public restroom diaper situation. It gives DH set things to get good at and feel confident in and they have their own thing they do together. DH likes to put DS on his shoulders to ride and while I can do it too, I choose not to in order to have it be a special dad thing. Over time I've seen DH share interesting observations he's caught about DS and I'll say "oh really??" or "oh yeah, I noticed that too!" and that I think encourages him to pay attention. DH has the phone problem but I said something like "if you always talk to me or DS while playing with your phone he will learn to not make eye contact with people while they talk and it's incredibly rude and distracting in a professional setting." And then I pretended to talk to him while staring at my fingernails and he agreed it was rude. So now he tries really hard not to be on his phone so much. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2209084 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 15:16:27 +0000 hotchildinthecity 2209084@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2PeasinaPod: agree. DH is a smart dude but he needs everything spelled out. He's happy to do things but needs me to tell him what needs to be done. </p> <p>And yep, I'm the first to say I need some time alone today....can you take LO out of the apartment and go do something? DH isn't one to want to be cooped up inside with LO anyway so it's usually his idea to go have a little adventure</p> <p>As for bath and dishes, we switch off every night. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2209082 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 15:14:13 +0000 Greentea 2209082@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What about certain things that just they do together? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2209076 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 15:09:19 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2209076@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: I just read your response, and I think that's where I differ. We take turns with bath every night. It's not a choice. Don't give him an out. Say, "would you mind giving LO a bath so that I can do the dishes?" If he says he'll do them, just let him know you'd appreciate the break from her. It doesn't have to sound like nagging.</p> <p>And as for you coming in and having to clean the counter tops, table and stove, just say that from the start. If it's your turn for bath night, say, "Do you mind cleaning up dinner, wiping down the stove, table, and counter tops while I do bath tonight? Thanks, toots!" It's all about making it like teamwork and not counting the number of tasks you each do. And with some people, you have to specify each thing you want done if you want it done your way. Doing the dishes to him means exactly that...doing the dishes. Not wiping the counters, etc. So you might have to specify with bath, "would you mind giving LO a bath, putting on her lotion, reading her a few books, and putting her down?" </p> <p>I'm not saying that my DH gets it right every time or that I don't nag every once in a while, but not everything has to be a frustrating argument or nag. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2209066 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 15:02:21 +0000 deerylou 2209066@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I stay home, while my husband commutes to work, full-time. He works out with a group of coworkers at 6am M-F, and plays on a Sunday soccer league. Needless to say, I do at least 75% of the solo care-taking. And yet, at nearly two, I can honestly say that DD shares a wonderfully close and meaningful relationship with her father. </p> <p>From time to time, I'll find myself getting irritated when my husband throws some play-doh or blocks on the coffee table while he messes around on his phone. But, I'm totally guilty of this, too! Independent play is important, but when it comes to children, you really have to be conscious of where your head is at. My husband and I have had several discussions about being more intentional with our quality time. This means we both put down the technology at a certain point, and he is respectful of the work/home boundaries we've agreed upon and set up with his company. </p> <p>Personally, I schedule 1-2 evenings out with some friends each month, and encourage my husband and daughter to spend their 1:1 time, out of the house. For example, I'll purposefully neglect to return DD's library books, instead leaving them by the door and suggesting they walk down to the library to pick out new ones. Or I'll make a point to get DD psyched for an evening ice cream parlor date with Daddy, so there's really no room to disappoint. Now, my husband arranges these father/daughter dates on his own, and genuinely enjoys them.</p> <p>It's important for both parents to invest and engage. I feel it's especially crucial for fathers of daughters to find that connection, early on. It's easy to "not be a baby person" or be overwhelmed by toddlerhood, but then it's "I can't possibly connect with a nail polish obsessed tween" (not saying this is a given) or "I have nothing in common with a teenaged girl."</p> <p>I'm sure your husband will find his stride. Just continue to encourage and be up front and passionate about those expectations; when it comes to their relationship and his efforts to assist with caretaking and household tasks. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2209001 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 14:30:26 +0000 MamaG 2209001@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: Something my OB shared with me that might apply to you as well. She told me that I have a controlling personality (much like her) and while I talked the glory of shared and equal parenting she set me straight that it wouldn't be so - because of ME! I thought she was nuts. But she was so right. If I was going to have to instruct DH how to do things, I might as well do them myself. </p> <p>There was a breaking point for me at probably about 9 months. DH couldn't soothe our girl. I finally had asked him to help and he couldn't do it. He was so frustrated and asked me for help. Asked me how to calm her. I showed him how I held her and told him good luck. Find your way with her. Giving up control and asking for help are so important for me. And lowering expectations so that DH can help was big for me too. I know when he's in charge as long as everyone is safe and the house is safe that they were successful. Things cleaned up? Organized? Extra chores done - probably a big no on all of the above.</p> <p>I've since realized that my way isn't the only way and as long as I ask DH to help I need to accept his ways too. Some of the outfits he's let her wear - and her hairdos! Oh boy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2208987 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 14:25:12 +0000 Chillybear 2208987@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: Thanks! I remember this post well.... and its definitely a factor. My husband is a bit of a perfectionist and hates to fail esp in front of people (even me). So for most of her infancy and into toddler hood tantrums, if she kicked a fuss for him "doing" it, he immediately gives her back and says she wants you to "do" it. </p> <p>basic take away from this conversation between what you suggested in the gate keeping post and what @Jess1483: said is that he'll step up if I start throwing up a lot... j/k </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2208985 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 14:24:51 +0000 Raindrop 2208985@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Foodnerd81: Right there with you! Big Yes! :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2208984 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 14:23:57 +0000 ShootingStar 2208984@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think what helps keep DH engaged with DS is that he has regular things he's responsible for. Every night he gives him his bath, and approximately 1/2 the time he does bedtime. We also have a guideline of no phones at dinner/meals. </p> <p>I think it's funny so many people think it's odd their DH doesn't feel guilty about not wanting to be with their LOs all the time. I love DS more than anything, but I definitely don't want to be with him all the time. Toddlers are exhausting! Cut yourselves or your SO's some slack for not wanting to be with them 24-7. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2208967 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 14:12:55 +0000 Chillybear 2208967@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaG: that's a really good strategy that i need to employ more... I saw it a lot with my BIL when they had their 2nd he really started taking charge of their first but their 2 are only 22m apart so it was hard to say if it was because of the her age, the new LO, or just his personality. I'm hoping that when we do decide to have a 2nd (and current predicament with hubs causes some hesitation), he steps up and is more present and helpful in caring for both kids but esp. our 1st</p> <p>@Jess1483: lol... no i dont think I'll be seeking out the norovirus, but like you inferred I dont think my hubs has ever been out and about with just LO. They always stay in when he's watching her. </p> <p>@LuLu Mom: I like that rule!</p> <p>@Mamaof2: lol to your note... what was his response?</p> <p>@looch: Agreed... I feel like some tasks shouldnt need to be said every single time.... If your going to clean up from dinner i shouldnt need to come in after you and clean the stovetop, table and countertops. but for him I guess they do... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2208963 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 14:08:09 +0000 Foodnerd81 2208963@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Raindrop: I totally do it with my phone too. But I'm home with her every day, all day, so I feel like I have loads of quality time with her, while his is so limited. But we both definitely need to be better about it, no question. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2208960 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 14:06:26 +0000 mrbee 2208960@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: We really wrestled with this, and eventually figured it out after we had our second kid! For us, the "gatekeeping dynamic" was the issue... I'll wall you a link! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2208953 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 14:00:46 +0000 Chillybear 2208953@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mae: THIS! you encapsulated my feelings almost exactly... especially this "he has no guilt about not wanting to be with her all the time. It's something I do struggle with because even when she is a pain in the ass, there isn't really anywhere I'd rather be than with her. And I wish he felt that way too. " oh and this too "sometimes it is easy to want him to be THAT dad. The one we all probably know from somewhere who is so doting and waxes poetic about his baby and its just ALL SO MAGICAL but I think that is not the common guy. I know he loves her, and he loves me, and he tries. I think sometimes that has to just be good enough for right now. " </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2208947 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 13:55:20 +0000 Raindrop 2208947@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with other posters... maybe your DH is not into the baby/toddler stage which is actually a very small percentage of their whole life - which they won't remember anyways. I want to believe things will get better when you baby is a about 4ish when making memories count!</p> <p>Though I do hear you about the iphone usage... so annoying... Sadly I do it too sometimes. It's hard and sometimes you just have to pick your battles with that one. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2208931 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 13:46:06 +0000 Chillybear 2208931@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: No not nearly enough, during the week he leaves before we wake up and daycare is near my office we dont get in until 6. I try not to plan things during the week and on the weekend I try to focus more on spending family time rather than 1 on 1 time. </p> <p>@2PeasinaPod: I try to let him know when i need him to step in (step up)... But i feel like i'm a broken record always nagging about the same task. I also try to give him a choice like do you want to give LO a bath or do the dinner dishes - he almost always picks the non baby task. </p> <p>@rachiecakes: @MenagerieMama: We're always have so much going on during the weekends that its hard to have that kind of downtime. He often watches her while i run errands but she's also usually napping. </p> <p>@Foodnerd81: thanks for commiserating.... I'll try framing the screen time that way next time and see if it helps</p> <p>@T.H.O.U.: We signed up for swim lessons with the intent of hubs taking LO with his Bro and his LO but they backed out and while hubs was the one in the water with her i still got roped into going to each lesson. </p> <p>@BananaPancakes: I have a work trip coming up in Oct Fri-Sun and when i told him he was like "what are we going to do? Will your mom be able to watch her?" Meanwhile he left yesterday and is gone until Thurs night without batting an eye that I'd be on my own all week </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2208927 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 13:42:32 +0000 looch 2208927@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have learned to be specific about what my husband needs to do, for whatever reason, he just doesn't anticipate needs like I do. I am forever 10 steps ahead, his brain doesn't work that way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2208925 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 13:41:10 +0000 Mamaof2 2208925@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: My DH is similar.</p> <p>For us I just don't think DH is fond of babies/toddlers. Once my DS hit age 4 (which I understand is still several years away for your LO) things improved a ton!! DH likes to do grown up things with his kids, not play blocks. So at age 4 he started taking him to football games (college), build stuff in the garage, playing t-ball, runs to home depot, etc and that is when their relationship got much better!</p> <p>So it may take awhile but I wouldn't give up just yet!</p> <p>As for the phone? No advice - DH is attached to that damn phone and man it ticks me off - he cant just sit in a room he must be on the phone!! For Valentines day I left a note that "I love you more than you love your phone" :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2208922 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 13:39:17 +0000 LuLu Mom 2208922@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have implemented a "no phone before 8 pm" rule. This has been GREAT for our interaction with our children. And I make sure to have DH do some of the nightly routine for both girls (he is just generally a little better with our toddler but I want him to be comfortable with our baby too so I make him change her and put her PJs on while I help our older.) I want to be able to spend time with both girls at night not just the baby. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2208921 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 13:37:32 +0000 Jess1483 2208921@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When I got norovirus, that made a huge difference! Not that I suggest it as a strategy, but I echo previous posters in suggesting time alone for them, even if it makes him nervous. DH will take DS for unlimited amounts of time...at home. But I've lately been encouraging him to take DS out and about as much as possible, and I think it's making a difference for them--mostly in DH's confidence level (he was doing great until potty training, which really stressed him out away from the house, but we're over that hurdle now). </p> <p>As for the phone, we have a rule that between when daddy is done working (he works from home, but stops between 5 and 6 each day) and when LO goes down, both of our phones are put away (they're on in case we get calls, but we don't surf the internet, etc). I also use that time to do most of my housework, so that he is 90% parenting during those two hours. I'm not relaxing or anything, but having consistent time every night together has made a big difference. DS still has a mommy preference, but he and daddy have the coolest relationship, and there are whole weekend days that go by where he doesn't care about me at all ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2208920 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 13:36:55 +0000 MamaG 2208920@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hmmm, LO has a mommy preference. Well that's a toughie. My girls love their Daddy which makes this easier. With our first DH really wasn't engaged for the first 6-8 months and did much better when she became more interactive. I allowed it and resented him for it. He always "asked" to do things and I never said, "no, I need you here!". I've been significantly more vocal this time around.</p> <p>And I will tell our older (and have for some time) to ask Daddy for things. "Momma, read me a book?" Sorry, Momma's doing X, ask Daddy. Daddy still prefers tv time, and playing ball as their activities but I try to push his boundaries. My older is almost 4 and he's much better now. And honestly #2 really pushed the divide and conquer strategy hard in our house. And even while pregnant there were just things Momma couldn't do anymore. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2208911 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 13:33:19 +0000 Mae 2208911@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't really feel fully able to give advice because I've been doing this less time than you-- my LO is only 13 mo. But I think our husbands are similar in some ways. My husband is very dedicated to work and always gives 110% there, sometimes at the expense of our home life. He's a great and very caring husband and very helpful around the house and has always done all the stuff he has to do with LO (like he's always been willing to change diapers, feed her, etc)... but I have definitely felt (more so in the past but still sometimes now) like he doesn't enjoy our LO. Especially when she was a newborn, he wasn't really excited to see her when he got home from work. It would really hurt my feelings that he'd get home from work and if she was napping he'd be like "yay!" rather than like "aw I missed her." </p> <p>Now he is a lot better with her. He definitely enjoys hanging out with her... sometimes. She is more fun now that she runs around and giggles and is funny. But she's also not ALWAYS fun. And he has no guilt about not wanting to be with her all the time. It's something I do struggle with because even when she is a pain in the ass, there isn't really anywhere I'd rather be than with her. And I wish he felt that way too. </p> <p>So it's not like I have it figure out. But here are the things I tell myself that make me feel better. First, I'm a mom. I've got the hormone thing happening. I think bonding is harder for guys because they don't have the hormone thing, and also because we get this extended maternity leave to bond early and they don't. Second, not everyone is a baby/toddler person. I'm definitely not and neither is my husband. I think that I dealt with the crappy parts of babyhood better than he did, and I think I deal with our now starting toddlerhood better than he does, but neither of us really LOVE this stage of life. We are both really looking forward to when she is more of a kid who can like, speak in full sentences and play real games and whatnot. And as long as he is doing all the right stuff for her, I can't really fault him for his feelings, because he's trying. Lastly-- sometimes it is easy to want him to be THAT dad. The one we all probably know from somewhere who is so doting and waxes poetic about his baby and its just ALL SO MAGICAL but I think that is not the common guy. I know he loves her, and he loves me, and he tries. I think sometimes that has to just be good enough for right now. </p> <p>(And for what its worth, part of his fathers day gift--which he has no idea about yet--is that I set up a golf date for him and one of his friends who is also a dad. The other wife/mom and I sort of laughed about the fact that we are sending the husbands away for fathers day... but we know it is what they'll really enjoy lol). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2208908 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 13:28:38 +0000 BananaPancakes 2208908@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: Plan a night away for yourself and let him take control as primary caregiver. Keep planning things for yourself that allow him to care one on one with your daughter. Every single time I completely stepped out of the equation, my husband would become more and more confident as a parent and naturally became more and more engaged. It took a while for me to learn to let go, but I am so glad I did because it was awesome to see him figure things out in his own way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2208905 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 13:27:59 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2208905@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would try to find good activities for them to do together and try to set it up. </p> <p>I'm still trying to find things that my DH can do with her that aren't tv or tickle/wrestling. I want him to also work on teaching her things. Recently he took her fishing and I think they both enjoyed it. He also was doing some house projects and let her get out a paint brush and "help" wash stuff. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tips-on-getting-dad-to-be-more-engaged#post-2208904 Mon, 15 Jun 2015 13:27:38 +0000 LML 2208904@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm following because I really want to hear people's answers to this. My DH tries, but the phone/iPad thing drives me crazy. I want to tell him that when his children are grown, the only memory they will have of him is the side of his face while he stares at the iPad. </p>