https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 10 May 2026 16:32:39 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2904091 Mon, 02 Dec 2019 12:41:37 +0000 Bluemasonjar 2904091@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Foodnerd81: This sounds like my husband! He loves a gadget and assumes I will too but a lot of times it is over the top and therefore I am less likely to use it. </p> <p>@Mrs. Carrot: I don't have any additional advice but I wanted to commiserate. My DH has very different spending habits than I do and always goes over the top for Christmas but I realized that gift giving is his family's love language. It is how he was raised. I have been trying to set a spending limit for years and he finally agreed to it. We'll see if he sticks to it or goes overboard again. I know it is coming from a good place but I'm like you... I would rather he spend money on things I actually want/need. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903810 Tue, 26 Nov 2019 20:10:49 +0000 Foodnerd81 2903810@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: I thought of you and this thread today. Last year I asked for a new wine opener. Our old one was getting harder to work and old so I wanted a nice new one. Instead of a normal rabbit style one like we had, he had to go get some electric automatic thing that was confusing to use and took up space on our counter with the charger, but ok fine. Only it never charged, like the charger just didn’t work or something. And he never sent it back or returned it. So it literally sat in a corner of our counter all year until we threw it out this morning. And I’m still struggling with our old wine opener. If I had purchased it I would have returned it but since it was on him... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903728 Tue, 26 Nov 2019 13:46:56 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2903728@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <br /><p><i>This comment has been deleted by the original poster.</i></p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903681 Tue, 26 Nov 2019 07:56:40 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2903681@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lisa1783: you really nailed it. He definitely loves buying things and his spending has caused many a strife over the years that we've been together (before we got married I had to claw us out of 15K worth of debt he ran up buying everything for everyone). I manage all our finances and am constantly reminding him to be more thoughtful about spending, which I know he sees as me nagging. Didn't really make the connection between that and buying things for me until your comment - will definitely think on this more, thank you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903671 Tue, 26 Nov 2019 01:23:25 +0000 lisa1783 2903671@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It sounds like it makes him happy buying stuff for you - he's doing it more for the rush of buying and using you as an excuse. I don't know if this will work but you can always say "I'd rather take the time/money you are spending of physical gifts and use that for date night instead and spend that time/money together." However, it sounds like it's doubtful he'll go for it. Maybe just start a household budget and hold him accountable for it? Maybe have a big vacation to save for? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903471 Mon, 25 Nov 2019 06:58:34 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2903471@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@skiierchck99: I definitely don't want to micromanage and I do know it comes from a good place, which is why I feel like a jerk that I'm constantly saying this doesn't work for me, take it back. I've been trying for a while to figure out how to express appreciation for the efforts that isn't just taking the stuff that I'm not going to use. I would be perfectly happy with him not buying me anything precisely to your point - I'm a growup and can buy my own stuff - but I just can't seem to find how to relay the message of "thank you for trying, I appreciate the thoughtfulness, but this doesn't work for me" (and I've used those words exactly) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903430 Sun, 24 Nov 2019 13:06:42 +0000 skiierchck99 2903430@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: I might be in the minority here but I’d just let him do it. It comes from a good place - it sounds like he’s trying to think of gifts that you would use/would like - and its the effort that counts. I would rather my husband try and not get it quite right than have to tell him exactly what I want because I’m an adult, I can buy for myself if I really want it. Unpopular opinion, but I think trying to micromanage this has the potential to cause more harm than good. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903429 Sun, 24 Nov 2019 12:46:57 +0000 petitenoisette 2903429@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yea this would really drive me nuts. Honestly to me it sounds like he’s doing this for himself and not really you. Since you’re making it very clear to him otherwise. My one suggestion is for him to use a credit card you don’t have access to if possible so you don’t see the charges and get annoyed ahead of time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903418 Sun, 24 Nov 2019 09:02:21 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2903418@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@pachamama: I have! I can't overstate how direct I've been about this, honestly, I'm not cagey or hinting, I've literally sent him things, put things in front of him, showed him magazine pages, my Pinterest board, everything. For a while I really wanted to try just not doing gifts at all, but he still does it. Yesterday he bought me a shirt that he thought would be nice and warm (I never said anything about wanting one or needing something warm, literally nothing) and it was crazy scratchy so I told him to take it back and once again had a whole conversation about how I really don't want him to buy me clothes and told him if he really wanted to get me something he could do XZY and what some of the best presents he's gotten me are, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903398 Sat, 23 Nov 2019 19:29:47 +0000 cake2017 2903398@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: I like the idea of sending him what you like so he can buy it.</p> <p>Too sweet! but sounds annoying lol.</p> <p>Have you thought about saying honey let’s go together so he feels like he is helping? maybe this is also his way of a showing you what he likes on you too? What he finds attractive etc... sometimes men have to express by doing rather than verbally. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903396 Sat, 23 Nov 2019 18:51:19 +0000 SweetCaroline 2903396@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This doesn't help the year-eound problem, but for Christmas, DH and I adopt a family in lieu of gifting to one another. We may do stockings with little treats (favorite snacks, nice shaving cream, nice socks) and love notes. However, we have much more fun adopting 3-4 kids and providing Christmas for them instead. No stress picking out gifts for one another or hoping the other is pleased on Christmas morning.</p> <p>We do gifts for other holidays. DH doesn't always nail it. I have to be super specific. Can you keep a list of very specific gifts and ask him to stick to the list? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903392 Sat, 23 Nov 2019 15:39:20 +0000 pachamama 2903392@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: what about if you send him a link for exactly what you want ? Then he gets the pleasure of buying you something. ..? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903317 Fri, 22 Nov 2019 16:24:24 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2903317@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lindseykaye: Thanks, yeah, I think this is going to be my strategy, just to say less. I know he's trying to be helpful but I'm not even dropping hints, I'm saying out loud "do not buy this" and still. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903153 Thu, 21 Nov 2019 14:45:15 +0000 brownepiano 2903153@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DS does this with bras. I just kept telling him what I didn't like about them and making him return them and eventually he found some I really like! But with other things I definitely just send him links if things I want and am very direct about what I don't like. He gets hurt some but winds up better at choosing gifts in the long run. Hints don't work in our house, it has to be specific "I want this" with a link. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903152 Thu, 21 Nov 2019 14:41:22 +0000 josina 2903152@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Maybe you can just create an Amazon wishlist, or pinterest board of things you actually want, and share that with him - so if he wants to make a nice gesture, he can just buy something off that list that you actually want.<br /> DH and I share exactly what we want for christmas/bdays, with links, so we're both happy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903143 Thu, 21 Nov 2019 14:13:10 +0000 Ajsmommy 2903143@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As pp's said i would just stop mentioning these things you want or are looking for to him :silly: that way he can't go on a mission to find it.</p> <p>My DH sounds kind of like you, in the respect that he's very picky and if he gets something he didn't specifically ask for he 9 times out of 10 will not like it and return it and he's not shy about letting people know he doesn't like it. It's hard for me bc i was taught to appreciate and be thankful for gifts even if you don't like them ...but i have been with him for over 10 years and i can now kind of respect his view. He just doesn't want a bunch of crap he doesn't want. And he'd rather have one really expensive high quality thing than a bunch of lesser value items. I do still try to surprise him sometimes and it's about 50/50 stuff he likes and stuff he hates.... LOL... but for Christmas and bdays we've agreed to just give eachother a list complete with links of things we want and we shouldn't go off list...…. </p> <p>I thought' i'd hate it.. the lack of surprise but it's been working ok for a few years. Last year it was so nice to basically get everything i had been wanting but hadn't bought myself.</p> <p>Anyway all that to say that i don't think you are wrong and i think either you stop telling him or you are blatantly open and honest about it and he'll eventually give in (like i did) and stop buying "off list" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903140 Thu, 21 Nov 2019 14:02:42 +0000 lindseykaye 2903140@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@crazydoglady: This was my thought too - if he's getting these ideas and going on these quests to find you this *thing you can't find* then I would really try to limit the amount of things I mention I am looking for. If he doesn't know, he can't start his own hunt.<br /> But I know that's easier said than done since some of it is probably just conversation, or talking about the purchases you've made and tried that don't work. And that doesn't account for the FFF box :/</p> <p>Sometimes it's impossible to change someone else's behavior and it looks like you've earnestly tried in so many kind ways. The next best option is to control what you can, and in this case it's discussing these kinds of purchases with him at all.</p> <p>I wish you the best of luck. My DH isn't the best gift-giver and I always feel bad being super direct, but then I get what I want! And when I make suggestions and leave him to the task he finds sweet things that are just shy of being right. But he doesn't do it often so I just enjoy and keep the gifts he gives and make sure to wear or use them here and there because I really do appreciate his thought. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903138 Thu, 21 Nov 2019 13:54:34 +0000 Foodnerd81 2903138@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: my husband isn’t this bad, I totally hear you on this. Case in point, I’ve been talking about how I maybe want a new, very basic, laptop. So he’s concocting this secret plan to maybe get a surface pro or an iPad. But I want to use it for editing word or excel docs and some minor photo editing so I just don’t think such an expensive tablet is the answer, which I’ve said repeatedly. It’s like he gets an idea in his head about something special to do and tunes out what I’m actually saying I want. He does the same thing with like, favors around the house. Like, I say “it would be great if you took the girls out of the house this morning so I could have some alone time here.” So he cleans up the kitchen and makes an elaborate breakfast and does some other truly nice things, but I still didn’t get any alone time at home and he doesn’t see that while he’s doing those other lovely things, the kids are still clambering for my attention like they do all week long. </p> <p>I’ve had this conversation with him repeatedly. I know he’s trying to be nice, but if he really wants to be nice the first thing is to listen to exactly what i say! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903136 Thu, 21 Nov 2019 13:46:41 +0000 graceandjoy 2903136@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can't help but laugh that he is trying to find you bras, it's so cute! But I totally get what you mean. We always, always said no gifts but my husband feels like he HAS to give me something and I've never really liked any of his gifts. BUT I've also learned to keep my mouth shut and just be grateful. </p> <p>I think as long as he isn't spending a fortune (if he is overboard, maybe say let's set a limit), and this only happens for birthday/Christmas, I would just "let it gooo".... I feel like on their end all they will feel is resentment that we're not appreciating the thought. I mean, if never seeing me use that handbag or wear that jewelry is not hint enough, then keep going my friend.... :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903134 Thu, 21 Nov 2019 13:45:09 +0000 gotkimchi 2903134@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: what if you just say thanks babe! And return it all. He gets to feel like he did something nice and it’s sort of no harm no foul. Maybe if he thought you liked something he’d give it a rest? Like he’s not always trying to find something you like </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903128 Thu, 21 Nov 2019 13:26:03 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2903128@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gotkimchi: we have, but I doubt he remembers and even if he did, I think he'd ignore it because all that stuff is too "foofoo" for him. This is why it's so frustrating - I really am very direct with him on how much I don't like this and he just does it anyway, like he doesn't care or thinks I'm trying to be too frugal and self sacrificing, which I'm really not! Short of writing him a list, at this point, though I'm not even sure he'd listen to that either. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903127 Thu, 21 Nov 2019 13:23:52 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2903127@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@crazydoglady: Not at all! I appreciate the advice and agree. It's just that the direct approach isn't working either and I'm just baffled. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903124 Thu, 21 Nov 2019 13:13:21 +0000 gotkimchi 2903124@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: it sounds like he’s showing love by buying gifts but that’s not how you want to receive love - have you guys done the 5 love languages? That might help him find a better way to show you love - maybe acts of service or words. What is your love language? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903123 Thu, 21 Nov 2019 13:02:48 +0000 crazydoglady 2903123@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: I hope I didn't come off as rude...it's just what I have had to do with my husband. Or, I make a list of very specific items with links. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903122 Thu, 21 Nov 2019 12:57:15 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2903122@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@muffinsmuffins: no, this is an ongoing issue, not just for the holidays. I'm assuming the REI and FFF charges might be for the holidays, but if my hunch on REI is right, that's something he would do anyway. So yes, it's coming from a good place, and I appreciate the thoughtfulness, but I've told him repeatedly not to buy me anything clothing related because I'm very particular about what I wear. I'm also VERY open about suggestions and ideas and very direct because this has been going on for years and directness is all I have at this point so it's not that he doesn't know. I literally showed him some things I liked in a magazine the other day in case he was angling for "stuff." I've repeatedly told him all I ever want is experiences - time away for myself or both of us, restaurants I'd want to go to, etc. and sometimes it works (ie last year he got me a weekend away in NYC all for myself, which was the best gift ever and I've told him repeatedly that it was and more of that please), but then here we still are with the stuff and "helpfulness." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903117 Thu, 21 Nov 2019 12:46:20 +0000 crazydoglady 2903117@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would probably stop mentioning things that you want/need and make a plan to buy them for yourself. It sounds like he is trying to "fix" a problem. </p> <p>@muffinsmuffins: I'm dying!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903112 Thu, 21 Nov 2019 12:41:07 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2903112@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If he only does this for holidays or birthdays, maybe you could catch him before he plots and be like hey let’s go to dinner/weekend away/spa day for me as your gift instead of him trying to be ‘clever’ and choose a gift for you. Genuinely come up with ideas that are maybe more experience related than material and then ask for them. Treat yoself! </p> <p>I assume with the bra thing he’s trying to be helpful and not trying to slyly get you to wear lingerie that he likes? That’s a whole other can of worms so hopefully not that 🤨</p> <p>Or if he isn’t listening regardless, just keep returning the gifts and hopefully he will get the hint? Jeez, I’m married to a woman and I wouldn’t even attempt to buy my wife bras haha!</p> <p>Maybe you guys could plan a shopping date afternoon where you and he go to lunch and then you could try on some stuff and he ‘buys’ it for you as the gift? </p> <p>This is reminding me of my high school boyfriend who bought me a necklace with a giant frog pendant on it...I was like WTF?! I don’t even like frogs at all? He said he heard me say that I liked frogs more than snakes so he thought I would like it haha (I told him it gave me an allergic reaction and didn’t wear it) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tis-the-season-for-crappy-gifts#post-2903107 Thu, 21 Nov 2019 12:29:06 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2903107@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't mean to sound ungrateful, truly, but I need to figure out how to stop my husband from spending money on things for me that I do not want or need. I've even tried being direct and telling him (which of course makes me feel like an ass**le and he gets this disappointed face) but nothing seems to work.</p> <p>Case in point - he's on some kind of mission to find me bras. I've complained a few times that I really hate bra shopping and most traditional places don't have my size, so literally for weeks there were packages coming from Amazon, VS, you name it, with bras in them, all in my size but in styles I would never wear and shapes that are all wrong for me. I told him repeatedly not to do this, I will buy my own bras, and I just saw another VS charge on our credit card.</p> <p>Also spotted on our credit card today, charges for REI and Fabfitfun. He claims Fabfitfun is for his mom...for whom he never buys gifts and who is a 70+ year old Indian woman with zero interest in anything FFF has to offer, so clearly it's for me and he just doesn't want to say so. He knows how much I hate stuff like FFF because I'm a pretty low maintenance person and am just not into "stuff" but here we are, I'm gonna have to disappoint him yet again. The REI charge is likely for puffer vests because again, I mentioned I was having a hard time finding one I liked and he sent me a bunch of links to REI and I told him they were too expensive and wouldn't fit me anyway, so I'm guessing he went on a mission to find one in my size, disregarding my price concern. In the past, he's gotten me stupidly expensive jewelry too (I rarely ever wear jewelry, much less expensive stuff). </p> <p>I don't know what else to do. It's coming from a good place so I feel like an ass, but I've told him a hundred times what I do and do not like so it's not a mystery in any way. It's like he's intentionally ignoring me and then I feel like a jerk for telling him to return it all. Any ideas? </p>