Hellobee Boards Topic: To tell or not tell

Hellobee Boards Topic: To tell or not tell https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 22 Apr 2026 15:47:21 +0000 LuLu Mom on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297814 Tue, 22 Sep 2015 07:49:22 +0000 LuLu Mom 2297814@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I would tell them from the beginning. My cousin is adopted and he knew all along, however he still fabricated stories about how it happened. he'd tell everyone he was left in a basket on his parent's porch and his birth mom rang the doorbell and ran away which of course was not how it happened. TemperanceBrennan on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297674 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 21:36:07 +0000 TemperanceBrennan 2297674@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I think it is super important for the child to know from the beginning. That being said, adoption is complicated, and I could understand parents being vague to strangers or acquaintances about their child's adoption. catomd00 on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297601 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 20:36:38 +0000 catomd00 2297601@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I would never lie to my child about that. I'd tell them as early as developmentally appropriate. DesertDreams88 on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297596 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 20:32:15 +0000 DesertDreams88 2297596@https://boards.hellobee.com/ Honestly, weaving the "narrative" (aka lying) and sticking to it despite all sorts of questions.... I couldn't do it, even if I wanted to. I think adoption is a beautiful thing (tho usually resulting from some sort of heartbreak) and it love to share that with my child, the story of who they are and how they came to be with us. travellingbee on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297415 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 15:33:19 +0000 travellingbee 2297415@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @Mrs. Pickle: So interesting! Thanks for sharing! Mrs. Peanut on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297408 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 15:28:55 +0000 Mrs. Peanut 2297408@https://boards.hellobee.com/ My cousins are adopted (they're a different race so it is obvious) but they always knew they were. My aunt talked about how they came from another lady's tummy rather than their mommy but that lady couldn't take care of them so they got a new mommy. That's how she described it and they've never known differently. My neighbor growing up on the other hand was adopted and her parents finally told her at 13!! I actually found out at around the same time she did. I am a year younger. She acted out a lot after that and told all of these stories about how she is related to most of the presidents of the US. I asked her if she found out all of that from her birth family and she said something to the effect of, "Well, I COULD be related to anyone!" Looking back it was kind of sad seeing her try to fabricate a new family history because what she thought was true wasn't. All in all, I would definitely tell them and not at X age. Make it a part of the conversation as they grow up. Truth Bombs on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297367 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 14:41:20 +0000 Truth Bombs 2297367@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I'm just extremely blunt :silly: Mrs. Train on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297360 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 14:36:13 +0000 Mrs. Train 2297360@https://boards.hellobee.com/ Our son has known all along he was adopted and his brothers and sister are biological. As he grows older he is starting to understand more and more about what that means and we answer all of his questions to the best of our ability. Mrs. Lemon-Lime on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297330 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 14:10:38 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2297330@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @Truth Bombs: do you process shock & awe super quick? That response would have been perfect because really that's how I felt. Why are you sharing that with me!! All I could muster was "oh?! She doesn't know?" And then get back to the normal conversation that then all of a sudden seemed completely abnormal and back to normal again because after all we were only just talking about her daughter. Mrs.KMM on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297285 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 13:37:26 +0000 Mrs.KMM 2297285@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I can't imagine not telling my child from the very beginning that they were adopted. I wouldn't want them to ever "find out" at any age because I'd just want it to be their reality as they grow up. sorrycharlie on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297267 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 13:28:28 +0000 sorrycharlie 2297267@https://boards.hellobee.com/ my sister knows. as do my cousins (they're in a mixed race family though, so it was preeeeetty obvious). my sister was 4 when my family adopted her so she still has memories of her foster family as well. Truth Bombs on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297236 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 12:58:45 +0000 Truth Bombs 2297236@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I would absolutely make sure the information was known to my child from an early age. In your specific situation I probably would have flat out said to your coworker that it makes me very uncomfortable that she has chosen to share such information with me when she has not shared it with her child. That seems wildly inappropriate. Mrs. Pickle on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297224 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 12:45:14 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 2297224@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @travellingbee: Prior to transfer we went through some counseling and watched some webinars on donor conception and adoption. A lot of the advice we received was to present it like mom and dad wanted a baby, but couldn't/were broken/etc. and received a seed from another mom and dad which grew inside mom's tummy and became a baby. I personally think it would be OK to say egg, sperm, and embryo even before the child understands what that really means. As they get older you get more in depth and explain what IVF is and get into the science of it all. We were also told that having a bedtime story book about embryo adoption is a good thing too. There are children's books available on Amazon about different types of donor conception. A lot of the women I know who have gone through EA make books for their LOs in Shutterfly and tailor them to their child's specific story. I like that idea and will be doing that soon. I'm not exactly sure what language we'll use just yet, but I should figure it out soon so I can make a book for her. DH and I want her to know that she was very much wanted by her genetic family and by us, and that she's the best gift anyone has ever given us. BandDmommy on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297166 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 12:01:52 +0000 BandDmommy 2297166@https://boards.hellobee.com/ My FILs GF has two adopted children. They both know they are adopted. I believe she told one child about her biological parents but not the other. Mrs. Lemon-Lime on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297114 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 11:35:12 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2297114@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @Shizaz: even if medical history or complete ethnic origin was known and could be weaved (hidden) in to the adoptive family's narrative I think for me it would be strange to tell a birth story and pretend I was the vessel. @coopsmama: do you think about being adopted much? I feel like I can't unknow that someone is adopted once I know, so maybe that's what this family is trying to protect her from. MOMTOLITTLEB on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297037 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 10:31:54 +0000 MOMTOLITTLEB 2297037@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I would share age appropriate information from the beginning. I haven't given adoption much thought but if we were ever to adopt I would never want it to have the slightest bit of negativity associated with it. It seems very short sighted to cover it up. I met someone recently, a friend of a friend who told me someone spilled the beans to her adopted son that he was adopted. She didn't get into the details but I definitely felt like it was strange she and her husband didn't tell their son themselves. I think he was around 7 when he found out. mrs.shinerbock on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297027 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 10:24:02 +0000 mrs.shinerbock 2297027@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I would tell. We went through the approval process for an adoption (but had to be put on hold) and one of the things they really stressed in the training sessions is that a child should never remember the day they found out they were adopted and should never remember the day that they first met another adopted child. I think it's courting disaster to not tell them. Umbreon on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297023 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 10:20:33 +0000 Umbreon 2297023@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I think it's important to tell them and I think the best way is to not make a big deal about it and make sure they are aware from a very young age. I think it would be better for someone to know they were adopted ever since they could remember rather than finding out and experiencing that shock. I think it's important, if anything because they need to know they do not share the same genetic history as their parents. (for illnesses, etc) coopsmama on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297015 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 10:12:44 +0000 coopsmama 2297015@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @Mrs. Pickle: YES! This. I was adopted and my parents have been open and honest about that from day one. I can't imagine not knowing, or God forbid, having found out from someone else later on in life. I think it's an important dialogue that needs to happen between parents and the child. erinbaderin on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297011 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 10:10:50 +0000 erinbaderin 2297011@https://boards.hellobee.com/ Oh man, I feel like that's a dangerous game to be playing. I think the older the child is when they find out, the more likely they are to believe that their whole life has been a lie. My cousin is adopted and she's always known - it seems like such a huge thing to spring on somebody once they're "old enough to understand", I feel like it's much better to have it always be part of the fabric of their identity. travellingbee on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297003 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 10:03:57 +0000 travellingbee 2297003@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @Mrs. Pickle: I'm so interested in the conversations in your situation. I'm just wondering how you break that down to a level a little one can understand since there is so much science to it. Have you read up on it or gotten advice on how to have those conversations? creativemomma15 on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2297000 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 10:02:10 +0000 creativemomma15 2297000@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I would definitely tell and have it be a part of how our family was formed. I know many adoptive parents who have done this beautifully since their children came home. I wouldn't want to have a sit down conversation to break the news. I think we would really discuss it early on and have it be part of our story. ChelseaRose on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2296997 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 10:01:25 +0000 ChelseaRose 2296997@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I would not keep it a secret and would provide age-appropriate information from the beginning. My best friend (known her since preschool) is adopted and there was never an issue with "finding out" because it's always been openly known and discussed in her family. blackbird on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2296983 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 09:57:07 +0000 blackbird 2296983@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I think a lot of the stigmas of adoption have gone away. It used to be kind of a secretive thing. But now I feel like it's celebrated more than it ever has, which i love. I think it would be a VERY hard secret to keep! I don't think I would be comfortable with it. Mrs. Pickle on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2296974 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 09:51:12 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 2296974@https://boards.hellobee.com/ There have been studies about keeping a child's origins a secret and now harmful it can be. I personally feel like secrets imply shame. I wouldn't keep it a secret. DH and I intend to tell our LO about how she came to be from the beginning. simplyfelicity on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2296968 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 09:48:39 +0000 simplyfelicity 2296968@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I think every child deserves to know...they don't need to know the circumstances behind the adoption but that they are. I would hate for my child to find out I had been lying to them their whole lives. My friend has adopted three kids from Korea and makes a huge deal over their "plane day." She celebrates the fact that they are adopted. Mrs. Lemon-Lime on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2296966 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 09:47:10 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2296966@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @mrbee: ya think! I was perfectly fine attributing the child's good looks and intelligence for the past four years to the parents. mrbee on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2296962 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 09:44:18 +0000 mrbee 2296962@https://boards.hellobee.com/ My sister is adopted and found out from an older sibling when she was 6 or so. Based on that experience, I wouldn't keep an adoption a secret... But if I did decide to keep it a secret, I would make sure to keep it a real secret and not share with anyone! sapphire on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2296954 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 09:40:52 +0000 sapphire 2296954@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I think it's important to identify to know where you came from. But the time at which it is best to do that is going to be different for every child, every family. Mrs. Lemon-Lime on "To tell or not tell" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/to-tell-or-not-tell#post-2296949 Mon, 21 Sep 2015 09:39:05 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2296949@https://boards.hellobee.com/ For the most part adoption has been a normal thing in my life. I've had friends who were adopted and distinctly remember when neighbors brought home their baby after suffering a loss. So, when an associate casually mentioned her 7 years old was a) adopted and b) didn't know I was quite surprised. As much as I was curious to find out why the family has chosen to keep the adoption a secret I decided not to ask. Obviously adopting a child of a different race is hard to hide. In this case the parents are light skin and the daughter is brown, which is not unusual to have different skin tones in the same family (Caribbean). Even still my dark haired, dark eyed neighbors incorporated their blonde haired, blue eyed daughter's adoption/ birth story from when she was a baby. They could have played off her coloring as an anomaly too. We don't ever plan to adopt, but I'm pretty sure I'd spill the beans. What about you?