https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 17 May 2026 06:52:27 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2810738 Mon, 19 Mar 2018 20:07:20 +0000 maddyz 2810738@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My los are 19 months apart and it was super hard in the beginning. I joked that the baby never got out down (lived in the Solly wrap for months) because lo1 was so rough with him. Hitting and biting. It's hard because babies only really react by crying, and the fastest way to get a response or if me was to hit the baby... Worked Everytime.</p> <p>I actually toned down my response, pulled the baby away, made eye contact and said something simple like "that hurt O, please use gentle hands when you touch" and change the subject "hey, where did the red car you were playing with go?"</p> <p>He wasn't trying to be mean and the more I reacted the more he did it.</p> <p>Now we are in phase two of lo1 hitting and pushing lo2, they are just turned 3 and 18 months and fighting over toys all the time. Lo2 doesn't talk much yet so it's hard.</p> <p>I actually googled "can a toddler bite off a babies finger" it was that bad for a spell. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2810576 Mon, 19 Mar 2018 08:07:15 +0000 Anagram 2810576@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: Everything I've ever read says that impulse control starts developing closer to when a child turns 4. This is not to say that "anything goes" in terms of behavior. The strategies listed above like putting baby in a taller baby holder, or using a large gated area, or babywearing can all be used, modeling the correct type of touch, as you mentioned. Those are all great, and it definitely gets better. My kids are 2.5 and 4.5 now and there's still hitting or pushing from time to time, but now it's mostly from the younger one, as that's the developmental stage she's in. But generally, they play super well together and they need very little refereeing from me. Your kiddos will get there.</p> <p><a href="http://www.pbs.org/parents/expert-tips-advice/2016/10/toddlers-self-control-survival-guide-parents/?scrlybrkr=1e7bef75" rel="nofollow">http://www.pbs.org/parents/expert-tips-advice/2016/10/toddlers-self-control-survival-guide-parents/?scrlybrkr=1e7bef75</a> This is interesting reading, if you have time. =) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2810544 Sun, 18 Mar 2018 19:55:24 +0000 DesertDreams88 2810544@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@macintosh: thanks for the reply! I'll add "nice touches" to my repertoire, and good idea to practice. </p> <p>@MamaCate: yes, it's a pretty hard hit - it starts off with strong "taps" or loud "hi baby" in her face, and I try to praise "oh look you're being friendly and gentle and nice, remember, you can RUB her head or hold hands" etc and then BAM smack. I don't think he knows his own strength, and, he thinks it's funny when she reacts, it seems? But then at OTHER times (like before nursing) he'll talk about "baby crying" like he's a bit worried.</p> <p>@newlypregnantlady: thank you so much for your reply. It really is like we have to run SERIOUS interference whenever they're in the same room. We try to get the toddler out as much as possible, but that also gives him very little "practice" time with her. Maybe later, when she's bigger and I can deal with it more. We do have a PnP in the living room. It's mainly when one of us is holding her, so maybe while I'm nursing (4-5 hours a day....) I need to sit in another room and while DH is holding, he needs to be standing. Baby-wearing is another option we need to do more of. We have one more week where DH is at home, and then I will be at home with part-time babysitting for LO1.</p> <p>@gingerbebe: thanks for your reply, it sounds very similar to our situation, our outlook, and how we've been handling it. Good encouragement to keep with it. Very cute pics :)</p> <p>@erinbaderin: yes, it hurts the baby :( she wails. The other night he smacked her belly with a toy and I was legit concerned about bruising. </p> <p>@ValentineMommy: yeah we are going to have to learn to be vigilant about watching LO1. Pretty much everything in our house is VERY childproofed so we've gotten comfy leaving him for 30-60 seconds, but now we can't, not with her. </p> <p>@Anagram: I very much appreciate your input, and thank you for the encouragement and examples. I read it thoroughly and I will keep it in mind. However, I do feel that he has some impulse control - he knows how to "wait," and he does respond to "if/then" statements pretty well. He can follow 1 and 2 step directions. So the phrase "Do not hit the baby" or "rub her head, do not hit it" or "gentle hands" with modeling... I think that's an acceptable expectation. He won't always meet expectations, but I don't think he'll ever make progress without some mix of positive and negative reinforcement and positive and negative punishments. I do think those things work with what we'd call "tier 1" and "tier 2" students..... but no, you're right, the tier 3 need something special :)</p> <p>@Sams Mom: thanks for replying! good to know it is normal.</p> <p>@Mrs. Turtle: hopefully time will help us too! I keep reminding myself and DH about that, phases never last.</p> <p>@justjules: such a good point about "gentle hands" being too general! I'm working on using more specific phrases and offering positive alternatives. We haven't been using low baby-holders but we have been sitting on the couch with her in our arms, and even then we can't effectively block him, so I think we need to babywear, stand, or put her in the PnP bassinet. </p> <p>@Mrs. Toad: that's actually pretty similar... for us it's not really random, but it escalates quickly. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2810195 Fri, 16 Mar 2018 06:33:16 +0000 Mrs. Toad 2810195@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I had a different problem. DS would randomly come up to DD and smack her; enough to make her cry even while nursing. He also started hitting me, thinking it was funny. The only thing that worked was to cheer when he hit anything but people. I also started high fives at this time as well. I tried ignoring and time outs.</p> <p>Yea!! (Clap, Clap) You hit the sofa, chair, stool, pillow, bed, etc. (Clap, Clap) Yea!!</p> <p>Unfortunately, DD at 13 months is hitting, thinking it is funny and DS at 3.5 is copying. I don't know what to do now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2810178 Thu, 15 Mar 2018 21:08:10 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2810178@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@justjules: totally agree with your second tip! Good advice. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2810175 Thu, 15 Mar 2018 21:05:04 +0000 DesertDreams88 2810175@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied!! Lots to read and apply here. I'll try for more in-depth replies soon but for now, yes I read all the posts and appreciated all your help :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2810163 Thu, 15 Mar 2018 20:15:19 +0000 justjules 2810163@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: my kids are 18mo apart. I agree with lot of previous responses about development etc. But here are a few tips that helped me </p> <p>1. Keeping the baby high. Most baby "holders" that I had with my first were super low to the ground (eg rock n play or a swing) I felt like I couldn't leave an 18mo old with the baby while I cooked because he might hit her over the head with his play kitchen pot out of love. Finding safe places out of reach of the toddler allowed me to stop hovering over them all day. We borrowed a friend's Halo bassinet for the first few months, and kept it in the living room/kitchen area so baby was out of reach (we live in a tiny apartment so this is easier for us) </p> <p>2. Be specific with actions. I found "be gentle" was too abstact. But telling DS, "can you hold baby's hand?" was a good way of modeling appropriate behavior. Then heaping on lots of praise (oh baby loves it when you hold her hand!) </p> <p>3. Give yourself grace. There were times DS was being too much during nursing sessions so I had to turn on an episode of Daniel Tiger in order to nurse the baby without having to physically hold him back with one hand. This season passes soon. one or two extra TV shows isn't going to have negative long terms affects and keeping your sanity is priority! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2810109 Thu, 15 Mar 2018 14:27:05 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2810109@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: I think it's just going to be time that makes the difference. Our 2yo has had a hard time shifting from baby to middle and I won't lie it has been a little painful to watch since he's been my baby for 2+ years! But we're about 12 weeks in and he is coming around. It does get better. You may have to enforce boundaries more than you want to and it might hurt a bit for everyone because it is a big transition but it will get better, hang in there for now! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2810107 Thu, 15 Mar 2018 14:18:31 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2810107@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We don't have permanent siblings, so this may be irrelevant, but we have taken care of a number of young infants for weekends over the last few months. I can tell you that with O, she was terrible around 24-27 months. Hitting, grabbing, etc every baby we had. Enough that we thought maybe 2 was a bad idea. Then at 28m we had a 5 month old for a couple weekends in a row and it was like night and day. She was sweet, caring and careful with baby. She wanted to help (and was able to a little) and just had a totally different attitude. She still talks about him being "her baby" and talks about how she takes care of him. So... In our experience it wasn't even getting used to baby, just time. Good luck! It's so stressful when they're like that! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2810074 Thu, 15 Mar 2018 11:29:29 +0000 gingerbebe 2810074@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Look, when you're triaging a toddler at peak "ALL OF THE FEELINGS AND OPINIONS AND NOT ENOUGH WORDS AND FREEDOM" and a newborn on no sleep during cold and flu season, its totally reasonable to be like OMG I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I GET WHY PEOPLE HIT THEIR KIDS. Its a hot mess trying to be a consistent, positive parent when you just want to shower and have a cup of coffee in peace. Are you going to yell a bit more, watch a bit more TV, and let some stuff slide? Yep. ITS FINE.</p> <p>FWIW, DS2 (the baby above) is now 22 months old and he's definitely coming home from school with more scrapes and bruises because he and his similarly aged friends are hitting and biting each other in school. Like I said, its developmentally normal at this age for kids to try and manage their big feelings with physical action. My friend took my toy, cat scratch. Friend is pissed - he bites me. Chaos ensues. So, don't think its just the baby. I mean, I'm sure getting a new sibling plays into the feelings of frustration and anxiety and lack of control, but its not necessarily BECAUSE of the baby - its just a coincidental stage in life.</p> <p>Just last night, DS2 got mad at me for not letting him have a snack after dinner and he responded to that sense of frustration and lack of control over his eating choices by karate chopping me, grabbing my arms, and then pinching really, really hard. </p> <p>To each his own with regards to discipline and parenting, but we go to timeout in that situation (which at this age is mostly like a time-in). He runs over and sits down, I tell him its not nice to pinch mommy, we don't hit people, we are NICE to people (while mimicking a gentle touch), we make him say sorry, and then we give big hugs, say I love yous, and move on. School doesn't do timeouts, but they separate the fighting children and they have similar talks with each kid about being kind to our friends, being nice and gentle, and sharing toys. </p> <p>My 22 month old knows when he hits he's getting timeout.<br /> He runs right over to his step as soon as I say "no we do not hit - time out!" He says "sorry" - which I know he doesn't fully understand, but I want him to learn to say it anyway - and he initiates the nice touch when I tell him we should be nice. He also initiates the big hug, kisses, and I love yous at the end of the timeout. Is that PREVENTING him from hitting? Not yet. Like I said, I agree its a developmentally normal thing to hit at this age. But he is getting the idea that certain coping behaviors are socially acceptable while others are not and for now, that's enough for me.</p> <p>Like I said, its all normal, it WILL pass, its just hard right now to constantly be vigilant about your baby getting smacked or smothered on top of everything else. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2810043 Thu, 15 Mar 2018 09:23:11 +0000 Sams Mom 2810043@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I only have my toddler right now, but we're trying for another. My son is very physical too, so I've been worried about this.</p> <p> But I am the middle child of 3 girls, my little sister is 23 months younger than me. I punched her in the face and stopped walking for two weeks when they brought her home from the hospital. My mom said that I never punched her again, but did interact roughly with her for the first 5-6 weeks and then we were fine. She said "gentle" was every 3rd word out of her or my dad's mouth that whole 6 weeks. :shocked: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2810041 Thu, 15 Mar 2018 09:15:02 +0000 Anagram 2810041@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>A 2 year old just doesn't have the brain development to stop themselves from doing something that pops into their head. Timeouts don't develop the brain to the age of an adult that could exercise their impulse control. Spanking doesn't accelerate brain development to that stage, either.</p> <p>You have to work with what you have--a 2 year old with no impulse control. Personally, I'm into gentle parenting where a basic tenant is that you don't punish a child for something that is out of their control. </p> <p>I think all you can do is do the best you can to model gentle hands, keep older kiddo entertained, give all of yourselves grace, babywear when you have to, keep them seperated, use the tablet/tv for emergencies, etc.</p> <p>Serious question for thought: if you were nursing the baby and your hands were busy, and your 2 year old managed to hit the baby while you were right there, attached to the baby---would your husband come home and punish you for being a bad mom, by sending you to your room? How would that feel? Would that punishment make it easier to juggle nursing a baby and a toddler the next time it happens? How would it affect your bond with your husband?</p> <p>Obviously, I'm being facetious here, but I was raised and spent the first 13 years as an educator with the same techniques you have mentioned: "infraction" = punishment. And yet, the "bad kids" didn't ever really learn. Surprising isn't it? I had to reframe in my own mind what my methods were doing and how they were (or weren't) working.</p> <p>I would not appreciate my husband "disciplining" me for something that I felt was out of my control. Then I had an aha moment and realized my toddler can't control herself (this is a proven child development fact) at the age of 2 when I had dd2. So, was it really right for me to punish her?</p> <p>Once I worked that out in my own mind, and made a decision about that, then I slowly started building my toolkit of things I could do instead. I'm obviously not there yet, 2.5 years later, and I make parenting mistakes and bad decisions daily. But I try to learn from them and I try to model learning from my mistakes in front of my kids.</p> <p>Just last night, I had a mini explosion. My kids were just having a rough, rough night. And I have the flu. And I worked all day because I can't take any more time off because my kids have had the flu and I used my sick days on them. One kid "fell into" the potty (I'm pretty sure on purpose, to be funny), while the other one dumped her entire plate of dinner, after I'd just set it down. We're way past the dumping-for-no-reason stage. I think it was a mistake, but I was helping the potty-accident child and I didn't see it. All I saw was the food that looked like it'd exploded all under our dining table. I lost it and I yelled, at both of them.</p> <p>And then afterward, when we'd all calmed down and eaten and both girls were playing, I heard DD1 pretend play with DD2 and turn on this scary witch-like voice and say "I said, NO THROWING AND SIT DOWN". I asked her....who was that? And she said, "I'm you, mommy!" like kind of proudly. Well, that was a wakeup call, to say the least. I asked her, "did mommy sound like that during dinner when you dropped the food?" and she was like, yes, that's mommy's voice. </p> <p>So then I asked, "when mommy is feeling very frustrated, and tired and not sick, and she finds a big mess, what should she say?" And my 4.5 year old said in a nice happy voice, "PLEASE don't throw food. And if you DO throw food, PLEASE get down and clean it up by yourself". And I realized. She's right. Mental note to myself to try harder to keep cool next time.</p> <p>I had a lot of frustrating moments when I was on Mat leave with baby 2. My oldest was 24.5 months old and home with me all day. Lots of moments like what you describe. You just muddle through, love your kids, realize we all make mistakes, and do the best you can. =) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2810014 Thu, 15 Mar 2018 07:10:02 +0000 ValentineMommy 2810014@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We kindof had this issue with DS2 and DD, who are 21 months apart. He would come over to her, say hi, then pat-pat-pat her harder and harder. I don't think he was being malicious, but he definitely didn't know his own strength. He never just walked over and whacked her or anything though. We did make sure to never leave them alone together however, just to be safe.</p> <p>I will say, almost a year later, the behavior is 100% gone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2810011 Thu, 15 Mar 2018 05:57:58 +0000 erinbaderin 2810011@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Does it seem to be hurting/upsetting the baby? My kids were about the same age difference and I know that every time B touched W with more than a feather touch I cringed, but I tried to not intervene unless W actually got upset. Babies are hardy, toddlers are enthusiastic, and I didn’t want B to feel like he was never allowed to be near his brother (NOT saying this is what you’re doing! This was just my experience.) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2810007 Thu, 15 Mar 2018 01:07:35 +0000 gingerbebe 2810007@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: My boys are 20 months apart. The hitting thing really picks up at that age so developmentally it’s normal. We did all the same things you did, gave huge praise and positive reinforcement when he did something kind for the baby - he’d leave junk on the baby as a present, for example - and eventually he stopped hitting and just sorta rough housed.</p> <p>For instance, DS1 for some reason had a really weird reaction to me feeding the baby during the newborn phase - bottle or breast, he’d act all weird and aggressive and he never even liked nursing/feeding so it wasn’t an attachment to nursing. I literally had to separate him with a baby gate while feeding the baby for a while because of it. We also had to separate them for 3 weeks completely because DS1 got horrific HMF and our baby was barely a month old at the time. We also had to protect the baby for a long time - almost 5-6 months?. I would either always be sitting next to the baby or the baby bouncer or the baby would be in a PNP. </p> <p>It will get better I promise. My photos below range from when DS2 was 2 weeks old to 5 months. </p> [attach=1472/18/p5mboo.450x600.1EEB1DC7-1502-4677-BC78-EA68B7B674A5.jpeg] [attach=1472/18/p5mbop.450x600.1151D62E-3715-488D-ADBD-E0EEFF3360FB.jpeg] [attach=1472/18/p5mboq.600x600.7702C463-AD68-45C9-B95F-67E6C7AD62FF.jpeg] [attach=1472/18/p5mbos.450x600.2FD0DFA0-71CE-48D7-BB92-DC29681FAE3C.jpeg] https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2809999 Wed, 14 Mar 2018 23:11:43 +0000 youboots 2809999@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>There are several ‘unruffled’ podcasts on this topic. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2809997 Wed, 14 Mar 2018 22:56:42 +0000 newlypregnantlady 2809997@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So mine are 22 months apart and my older daughter had to be separated from her sister basically at all times except when they were both in my lap. She wouldn’t hit but she’s try to pick up, drag, hug/kiss too hard, etc.. </p> <p>It has only recently gotten better (now that LO2 is 9 months!) because LO2 is actually bigger and harder to move around and hurt accidentally. My older daughter still will sit on LO2 and “ride” her. And she tries to pull LO2 up into her lap. These are all her playing too rough, and not trying to hurt. </p> <p>Basically for newborn days I set up a safe area for LO2 (bouncer inside a PNP) for a long time. And I just reiterate constantly (like 1000x a day, but I SAH) that we don’t allow “wrestling”, or pulling or grabbing and that “crying means no thank you”. Some days are worse than others. </p> <p>When LO2 was a newborn I’d hold both in my lap a lot and practice “gentle hands”. </p> <p>My older daughter is definitely a rough and tumble kind of kid, and she’s super physical with everyone and also very affectionate. She still hugs LO2 too hard and will knock her over accidentally. It was probably a good six months before I felt safe leaving them alone in a room for more than ten seconds. </p> <p>We do time-outs for truly dangerous behavior (she sits on her bed). She has a bad habit of piling things on LO2 (usually it’s pillows and blankets), and that’s my biggest frustration. I’ve done everything I can do to explain that it’s 100% unacceptable behavior to do it, but I can’t seem to make her understand! So I’m just slogging through. </p> <p>It sounds awful but i was just watching an old video and thinking about how I totally forgot how much time I used to spend protecting the baby. So while six months sounds like a long time, it goes so fast and your older child will start to figure out what’s okay and what’s not. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2809995 Wed, 14 Mar 2018 22:43:19 +0000 MamaCate 2809995@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: I think my response would depend on the “type” of hit if that makes sense. If he is being mean and aggressive I would address it but if it is just attention seeking I might leave it alone. We have a much bigger age range (3.5 years) but LO1 loooved the baby and sometimes I cringed to watch her get right up in his face. But I tried to bite my tongue and go off his reaction. He looked confused at times but then excited but never distressed. If it is a “tap” more than hard but I may try not reacting and see what happens. I don’t remember her ever being aggressive though.</p> <p>If it is an actual hard hit then you set the limit, calmly enforce the consequence (time out would be my go to) and repeat a million times until he picks a new behavior.</p> <p>Also if you are noticing a pattern of him trying to hit at certain times like when nursing in the example you gave I would try to pre-empt him:”oh gosh you want to see what mama and baby are doing! You are so curious. Mama is giving the baby milk. I used to feed you like this when you were a baby. Now you are so big with big muscles. Can you show me how you run so fast with your strong legs?” Or something. That way you are validating the need for attention, normalizing it and giving an acceptable way to get attention. (My kids love to show me how big and strong they are so substitute what works for your kid.) then lots of positive feedback when he does run/do the desired behavior. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2809987 Wed, 14 Mar 2018 21:57:34 +0000 macintosh 2809987@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I only have one LO, but he definitely went through a phase with hitting at that age. Our daycare really work on that, with one of the class rules being “nice touches”. I’ve seen how they teach it, they simply ask the students to demonstrate how to give nice touches. I would absolutely be willing to give a time out for that as well. This doesn’t help much fir now, but DS has mostly grown out of it and he’s nearly 3. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/toddler-hitting-newborn-advice-needed#post-2809982 Wed, 14 Mar 2018 21:25:39 +0000 DesertDreams88 2809982@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>LO1 has always been an aggressive, physically active child.<br /> For months before LO2 came, we tried to talk about, teach, and model "gentle hands" and "hands are not for hitting." We have used time-out consistently, while talking to him in timeout and using the same phrases. We got him a baby doll and tried to model/practice appropriate behaviors. We read books and watched Daniel Tiger's episode. </p> <p>LO1 is 2y2m and LO2 is almost a month. He has been hitting her more and more - like, whenever he is around her. I try to block him but it's hard when I'm nursing her and have one hand/arm busy. It doesn't SEEM to stem out of jealousy, it seems to be from over-eagerness..... it starts with curious looks, "hi baby", waves, then pats, then... hits. </p> <p>We had to keep them physically separated for week 2 &amp; half of 3 because LO1 got RSV. They are separated most of the time due to childcare and her napping in our room, away from the living and play rooms. Will maybe things get better as he gets more used to her? It's so hard though, I want to keep her separate to keep her protected!!</p> <p>All advice / ideas welcome and maybe please tell me it will get better.... if it is true. </p> <p>Also, we aren't a spanking family but gosh I see why people make that choice now. </p>