https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 23 Apr 2026 19:00:24 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac/page/2#post-1007165 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 20:29:01 +0000 deerylou 1007165@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LittleFox: I'm not saying the comparisons are fair - quite the contrary, actually! Personally, I wish women could birth, nourish, and raise their children without the constant microscope element. But, in my personal experience, there is an indisputable sway towards certain childbirth and parenting decisions (which may vary, depending on culture, or demographics) that back many women into a corner of shame. Like @scg00387 mentioned, the cited article did speak to a glorification of natural, vaginal birth, which contributed to this particular woman feeling pressured into a birth experience she had sincere reservations about.</p> <p>@JoJoGirl: "At the end of the day, if a woman trusts her provider, she should be empowered to make whatever decision they think is best." Definitely. And this is why finding a provider, network, and facility that align with *your* beliefs are so crucial in fostering a positive experience and outcome. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac/page/2#post-1007124 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 20:14:22 +0000 googly-eyes 1007124@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@deerylou: I agree, well said. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac/page/2#post-1007102 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 20:03:54 +0000 LittleFox 1007102@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As someone who has had a c-section and would consider a vbac in the future if I was a good candidate or my doctor recommended it, I found this article terrifying and tragic. I think we sometimes forget that birth can be very risky for mom and baby, whatever the circumstances. I also think it sounds like this mom felt pushed into decisions she was not 100% comfortable with, and that's sad. Moms should be empowered to make choices with good information, but should also keep in mind that birth can be risky even in the best circumstances. </p> <p>@deerylou: I'm sorry people around you are making you feel uncomfortable! From my experience, there will always be people to disagree with your parenting decisions no matter what they are. I've been given grief both for breastfeeding and for supplementing formula (by different people). I was essentially called stupid or crazy for the natural birth I planned, and then given grief by others for the c-section I ended up having. I think it's not helpful to compare who would get more support or acceptance, because you can't please everyone (and don't need to- you just need to do what's right for you and your baby!), and because it depends on who you're with. I try to avoid comparisons like that, because they only make me feel bad ("comparison is the thief of joy"). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac/page/2#post-1007061 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 19:42:18 +0000 JoJoGirl 1007061@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@scg00387: "I'd love to see more doctors, midwifes, doulas, coming together to present options to mamas." </p> <p>My doula and midwife had to pull my DH out of the delivery room to so the three of them could form a united front in presenting to me the argument that an epidural was the safest and best decision for my labor. I (eventually) listened to them and it was the right thing to do. </p> <p>At the end of the day, if a woman trusts her provider, she should be empowered to make whatever decision they think is best. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac/page/2#post-1007044 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 19:38:59 +0000 immabeetoo 1007044@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@runsyellowlites: The way I was reading it was, this mom in the story chose a VBAC because she felt like it was a 'better' way to birth and under her doctors' recommendation- quote from her “I bought into the hype that a vaginal birth was an amazing experience and the ‘true’ way to give birth,” she says when remembering how doctors “dismissed” her concerns." </p> <p>So, I read it as if she hadn't heard over and over how horrible csections were and that vaginal births were far superior, her decision might have been different. I think in an ideal world, each mom would decide based off her OB or midwife's recommendations, her own research, and her own gut - public judgment and pressure shouldn't come into the mix. By glorifying vaginal births or VBACs that same judgment and pressure is amplified, in my opinion, and that's why previous posters talking about 'bragging points',etc., is relevant. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac/page/2#post-1007013 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 19:30:55 +0000 mrbee 1007013@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@runsyellowlites: re: providers and vbac, our doctor was actually the one that encouraged Bee to try a vbac! Especially because the baby came early and was likely to be smaller..</p> <p>She took their advice (which came during labor) and Olive was a vbac baby! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac/page/2#post-1006873 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 18:12:41 +0000 runsyellowlites 1006873@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@scg00387: I do like dynamic conversation, and think on the other thread even though not all the posts were specifically about the "rally" they were all about "improving birth", the purpose of the rally. Here, I just don't see how the mommy wars has anything to do with the specifics of this moms tragic loss. If they do &amp; I'm just missing it then I apologize.</p> <p>I do totally agree that I think HB does a pretty good job of supporting moms across the board considering our dynamic community! Wish we could spread it around to some of the other online &amp; irl mommy groups! :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006849 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 17:59:11 +0000 Maysprout 1006849@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@runsyellowlites: Sorry, I didn't mean to derail the convo. </p> <p>I like hearing people's reasoning for why they did or didn't/would or wouldn't choose different things. But there are a lot of intelligent women on HB who put a lot of thought into VBAC and a lot of well educated OBs who perform VBAC but it's def not the right choice for everyone. But that is different than reducing a woman's reasoning to chest beating or one upping. All parents experience negativity from others for some of their choices but that's no reason that it's then OK to do to others. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006841 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 17:53:48 +0000 immabeetoo 1006841@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@runsyellowlites: I don't think it's fair to say you like off-topic conversation/threadjacking in the 'improving birth' thread but not in this one because it's of a questioning nature instead of an affirming one? </p> <p>My thoughts on the article are, it sucks. Horrible situation, terrible loss. I agree with you that all mothers should be informed of their options and make supported decisions. I just don't think that all mothers who are informed of their options will necessarily choose an unmedicated, vaginal birth like you think is best. </p> <p> I also think sites like mommyish are all about the clicks - so they're going to publish slightly inflammatory stuff on both sides. They linked to a positive VBAC story in the beginning of this one. There seem to be just as many stories floating around about unnecessary C-sections and the villainous doctors who perform them. </p> <p>I'd love to see more doctors, midwifes, doulas, coming together to present options to mamas. I think HB does a good job of celebrating all babies/births and methods of feeding and I wish I knew how to extend that to the "real world"! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006691 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 16:33:49 +0000 runsyellowlites 1006691@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think we've gotten completely off point (vaginal vs cesarean, medicated vs. unmedicated, smooth delivery vs. complicated, etc really isn't &amp; wasn't the point), but personally I think any mom that makes an informed choice looking &amp; considering all the risks vs. benefits in whatever that choice may be deserves congratulations... too many just do things b/c they "want" or because it was "offered" or even because it was "recommended" without any regard to the risks/benefits that come with that decision. Those times are saddening to me &amp; I feel a loss for our rights as women &amp; moms when decisions are made so blindly.</p> <p>Regardless of choice there is going to be parts we would've liked to have been different, atleast if it was an informed choice we can own &amp; more easily accept them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006665 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 16:21:55 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 1006665@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@deerylou: just know that I silently cheer on every mama who gets an epidural because it was the right thing for her. The only medal or badge of honor at the end of labor is the baby... And when the baby goes off to college he or she isn't goin to give a rats a$$ as to whether she was a medicated or med free birth... Only that she's alive and has the mental capacity to go to college.</p> <p>I proudly bottle fed our second daughter in public... And yeah I got a ton of judgment, but those who dared say something quickly regretted their choice to do so. I was just daring anyone to try! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006640 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 16:12:26 +0000 anbanan15 1006640@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jacks: I couldn't agree with you more on all points. </p> <p>No doubt this is such a tragic story. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006633 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 15:55:11 +0000 brownie 1006633@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@deerylou: I think the one that needs a congratulatory response is the one that makes the mother in power. It doesn't matter how that happens. So if an induction gives the mother power then more to her. If the c-section gives the mother power than that is what is appropriate. I'm not entirely sure that if I had a 13 pound baby (like the ones in the news) that a vaginal birth would be appropriate for me or give me power.</p> <p>Obviously the story is one view point but I am not sure I felt like she had the power to make decisions. I know I loved my birth (which was not perfect) because I was in charge of it. I had the power to make the choices I wanted. Making those kinds of choices is terrifying and bad things can happen. Bad things can happen when I get in my car or when I walk down the street. But I make those choices too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006619 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 15:42:11 +0000 deerylou 1006619@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have to ask an honest question and really hope to get an honest answer, and not just what's considered PC or kind.</p> <p>What scenario garners more congratulatory responses - a birth story that involves a scheduled induction at the advice of her OB, or one that centers around a woman that pushed for an unmedicated labor at home? How often do you see a photographic montage of brave women nursing in public? To behonest, I am just now working up the courage to formula feed outside of my home.<br /> I hardly feel that anyone wants to see pictures of my bottle. </p> <p>HB is a pretty supportive alcove, but I come from a place where the choices I've made based on circumstances that are out of my control are often questioned. I don't discourge pride, at all. I'm just being honest in what is often painted as "more motherly" in my world. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006617 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 15:41:15 +0000 pui 1006617@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@deerylou: How eloquently and beautifully put! Thank you for posting this. I feel like your post can also reflect on those who struggle with IF. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006610 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 15:34:44 +0000 wheres_c 1006610@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@honeybear: @Dandelion: I agree that you both say things perfectly.</p> <p>Birth's don't seem to go as planned, and there are always choices along the way. There's not always a clear cut "right" choice, and there is always room for regret. Ultimately we are the ones that will have to live with those choices, so we need to make the best choices for us, based on all of the information we have.</p> <p>Personally I plan to try for a VBAC as long as I am considered a good candidate - despite the risks of uterine rupture. I plan to seek out a provider known for VBACs and will make sure than I have full confidence in them before the birth.</p> <p>I bled out on the table during my C-Section and it was pretty dicey for a while. I will do what it takes to avoid that, providing my doctor is in agreement. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006608 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 15:34:17 +0000 junebugmama 1006608@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Maysprout: I'm not saying their is nothing beneficial from sharing experiences, there is always value in that, what I am acknowledging is that there are times where someone interrupts with "you think 15 hours was bad? I labored for 30 hours med free..." I hate that mentality. Same with everyone loving fat babies, I always feel for the mom with the normal size baby, who is questioning her supply because her child isn't in the 90th percentile for weight. At no other time in life would people respond with a "good job mama" if you were putting you child in the 90th percentile, except for when you're breast feeding an infant. The percentile competitions get to me as well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006606 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 15:33:10 +0000 boiledpnut 1006606@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Crumbs: I think more women need to hear this. I see a lot of things implying that a woman who had a c-section is less of a woman than one who had a vaginal delivery. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006591 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 15:19:41 +0000 Maysprout 1006591@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@junebugmama: I've found moms sharing birth stories are often getting their thoughts and feelings out. Birth often happens in quite a different manner than women expect and a lot of women fair better when they express their experiences rather than internalizing their feelings or being quiet about their experiences in fear that they might offend someone or be viewed as a one upper. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006570 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 14:57:35 +0000 junebugmama 1006570@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel sad for her. </p> <p>VBAC's are normal in lots of parts of this country and happen every single day with zero complications, the same way normal labor does. To hear one story and then decide that this is "Why I will never have a vbac" seems silly to me. If you don't want to have one after weighing the medical data great, but Mama's and babies die everyday during "normal" labor and we all keep making babies. </p> <p>@deerylou: Although overall we don't agree, I see where you're coming from with your statements. </p> <p>I think lots of woman have a consicious/unconcious baby contest with every Mama they meet. In the Moms group I sit in weekly at our local hospital, the majority of the new Moms<br /> there wants to tell the story of her "difficult" pregnancy, her "complications", her "long labor", her med choice, wether or not the med worked, etc. Why? I used to think it was about sharing the pain/tragedgy/excitement or whatever. However, I've now realized that these woman want to have had the hardest labor because somehow that makes them "better" than the woman sitting next to her. </p> <p>I never share my story unless it's relevant. I just don't feel the need to be the one upper. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006551 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 14:41:54 +0000 honeybear 1006551@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Dandelion: I think you said it perfectly. </p> <p>As to VBAC vs. RCS, I think there should be a choice, because there are risks associated with both. But I recognize that with choice comes the very real possibility of regret. That is true of any choice. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006544 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 14:36:24 +0000 deerylou 1006544@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Maysprout: And in my comment, I did mention that pride in regards to both of these things were warranted and great. However, while you may have experienced judgement for your decisions, I have received judgement for mine. It might be entirely due to demographics, as I live in a very liberal area in California, where medicated births/interventions and formula feeding - for whatever reason - are both far more taboo than the alternative. </p> <p>Again, I did clarify that I am not speaking to the HB community in particular, but what I've experienced, personally. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006535 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 14:28:08 +0000 Maysprout 1006535@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@deerylou: I strongly disagree with this sentiment. There's lots of reasons why women make choices on both sides, the reason is not chest beating and one upping, perhaps that may be the case with some but I doubt it's the case for the majority. Most women that I know who have made a variety of choices take a long, deliberate look and it makes me sad to see a set of decisions reduced to cheat beating. </p> <p>I used to lie to people in my community who asked how long I nursed my daughter (2 years) because I was afraid of seeing the reaction in your post or being seen as one of those 'crazy moms' but now I'm honest, it was best for our family even though it wasn't my original plan, and if they take that as chest beating or unnecessary self sacrifice to get mommy points then that's fine, that kind of quick unfair judgement is not going to make me lie. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006512 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 14:14:51 +0000 sotofamilia 1006512@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@deerylou: agree with you completely. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006508 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 14:06:47 +0000 Dandelion 1006508@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>There are tragedies in every aspect of childbirth. I was at a birth center with a midwife and lost my baby in labor. Now, I'll be going through an OB/GYN and I know that it doesn't guarantee that I'll bring my baby home with me at the en of it all.</p> <p>There's always a risk, no matter which way you go, no matter what you decide. Sometimes you can't help it, no matter what you do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006504 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 14:03:06 +0000 runsyellowlites 1006504@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Crumbs: @deerylou: I really don't think that is the point of this post.. I mean I guess it's got that spin on the article (moreso for being pro-erc over supportive of vbac), but it definitely wasn't want prompted my sharing.</p> <p>FWIW erc is the <i>mainstream</i> and more accepted choice for moms with a previous cesarean (~ only 1 out of 10 will choose to try vbac) so generally there is alot more backlash for moms that choose vbacs than ercs... we're told we're trying to kill our babies, and that we're stupid, that we are misinformed of the recommendation (even though acog makes it readily available), and the majority of us have a really hard time finding a provider willing to look at &amp; consider the recommendation (I've experienced all of these including being told by a maternal care provider that I was wrong about the recommendation... scary that this particular provider didn't know the recommendation for their own specialty) eep. </p> <p>I do absolutely agree that as moms we're really just trying to do what we feel is best, and in that we should be as informed as we can be so we can all have the best outcomes possible! I think THAT is what this is about &amp; knowing that bad outcomes happen on both ends of the spectrum. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006488 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 13:50:37 +0000 deerylou 1006488@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Crumbs: My exact thoughts, entirely. </p> <p>Too often, I think women are encouraged to measure their "mommy points" by their painful sacrifices, rather than their quiet moments of success. We (I'm not talking about this community, in particular, just in general) beat our chests over how long we labored before requesting or avoiding pain meds, or how many months (or years) we breastfed our children. While pride is warranted and great, the same proclamations can sadly work to alienate and vilify a portion of the mothering and medical communities. </p> <p>I freely admit that I eventually couldn't handle the pain of my 0-60, induced vaginal labor, and requested an epidural. And, for whatever reason, my milk supply has unspeakably low from the start. While these events were not part of my initial "plan", I am not less of a woman because of these particular decisions, and fates. </p> <p>There are tragedies, errors, triumphs, and successes on both sides of the fence. For the most part, women genuinely want what is absolutely best for their children, and I truly believe an overwhelming amount of medical professionals feel the same. As long as we make decisions based in good faith, we're doing it right. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006443 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 13:29:34 +0000 SugarplumsMom 1006443@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p><i>“Women should remember that a birth is about bringing a baby into the world, and they should not be made to feel like they are doing something wrong if they opt for a repeat c-section.”</i></p> <p>I agree with her quote. I had an induced, vaginal birth with a failed epidural and no other pain meds excluding the occasional puff of laughing gas. I was cursing Ricki Lake during my delivery. A birth is about bringing a baby into the world. A vaginal birth does not make you a woman. Feeling every pain and contraction didn't make me more of a woman. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006433 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 13:25:45 +0000 runsyellowlites 1006433@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yoursilverlining: I'm sorry but that is really upsetting. This woman is someone that is part of our group &amp; she lost someone very close to her. That would be like you telling of a close friend you lost and me deeming it not valid b/c it's a "friend of a friend...." I couldn't imagine one of us coming on here to share our grief and then if we shared what happened the person acting like it was ridiculous to consider the sadness of the circumstance b/c they themselves didn't "know" the person. I know if my DH reacted that way when I've shared my heart about the hardships some of you ladies have/are experienced it would be incredibly hurtful.</p> <p>The NIH and acog recommend vbac for most for a reason... these weren't always the recommendations but are now b/c of their findings. I would think that they wouldn't be considered "unknown academic scholarship". </p> <p>I get that not everyone is "for" vbac though and that's fine, every mom should be able to make an informed choice based on her rights &amp; circumstance..... but there IS tragedy on both sides here. Neither should be vilified &amp; the risks should be presented in an informative manner, not bullying or biased, for both. </p> <p>I am very supportive of vbacs but have never told someone they <i>should</i> vbac just b/c I have... I've always just pointed them in the direction of the information. :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/tragedy-for-a-mom-that-chose-vbac#post-1006398 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 13:07:59 +0000 Weagle 1006398@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jacks: @yoursilverlining: I'm with you two. I think the last paragraph of the article sums it up. </p>