https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 09 Jul 2026 13:20:01 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863357 Sun, 23 Dec 2018 06:19:39 +0000 lamariniere 2863357@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We are often the ones traveling in from some far flung place. Honestly, it can be a hassle to contribute at times if we have a borrowed car and a barrowed kitchen. We usually do manage to pick up a bottle of wine, but I certainly wouldn’t kill myself to put together something elaborate. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863337 Sat, 22 Dec 2018 20:59:01 +0000 Pollywog 2863337@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh don't touch this one. Not sure if they're single or married or how they're getting to the house, but if you live a plane ride away, would you really be comfortable borrowing your in-laws car and kitchen to cook an appetizer? My in-laws would tell me not to be ridiculous and that no one expects me to bring anything. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863329 Sat, 22 Dec 2018 17:08:12 +0000 crazydoglady 2863329@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I personally would not expect someone who traveled quite a distance to bring something, but it would be nice if they did. Whether or not they are single men has nothing to do with that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863317 Sat, 22 Dec 2018 15:26:10 +0000 ChiCalGoBee 2863317@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cat620: We typically are the ones flying or driving for holidays like this. At this stage, with two kids in tow, whipping up an appetizer to share is not big on my list to do when I have limited (or no) access to a kitchen/car and am getting my bearings. Sure, stop and get wine if you want, but with 25 people coming I’m guessing one less appetizer from a couple isn’t going to make or break the meal. When people come to me (rare in my family), I’m more than happy to host and provide for the out of towners. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863315 Sat, 22 Dec 2018 15:02:16 +0000 thepicklemonster 2863315@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This would not bother me at all and it almost seems like you are looking for a reason to complain about them, especially since you aren’t even hosting the party. Also, the party has not happened yet and you don’t know whether they will bring a bottle of wine or something. I personally think it’s obnoxious when people host but expect others to cook something. When I host, I just... host... I want my guests to relax and have a good time. ETA: In my family, it is not the norm for members of close family to bring something to dinners etc unless specifically asked. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863307 Sat, 22 Dec 2018 14:35:06 +0000 cat620 2863307@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My BILs are both married, so there are women in the picture for those who mentioned not expecting single guys to contribute. Also, neither couple has children.</p> <p>I'm sure it won't be a big deal, and there will probably be plenty of food, but it's still slightly annoying to me that they go to parties and family gatherings without contributing. Even helping to prepare food or clean up aren't things they do when they are in town. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863304 Sat, 22 Dec 2018 14:20:53 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2863304@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd give them a pass, especially if they are traveling with children. Just getting my kids to and from family events on trips has been difficult. If it's just adults, when the topic comes up maybe I would encourage them to just pick something up (with an idea of where, somewhere convenient) or ask if they wanted to contribute and you pick something up. </p> <p>But overall I wouldn't be all that bothered by it. Traveling for the holidays gets really hectic imo. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863295 Sat, 22 Dec 2018 13:23:24 +0000 Becky 2863295@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I absolutely wouldn’t expect someone who flew several hours to bring something. They’d have to fly in, go get groceries, and then hope that whomever they are staying with doesn’t need to be in the kitchen when they’re prepping food (or they would need to be staying in a hotel room with a kitchenette). The people who are driving 3 hours could have brought something if there was an event that night. I’d rather people not bring something than get something cheap from the store like chips and salsa. It’s different if they were asked to bring something but decided not to. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863294 Sat, 22 Dec 2018 13:12:37 +0000 annem1990 2863294@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don’t think it’s a reason to question someone’s character. Every family is different and treats each other different. The host can easily ask specifically if they want them to bring something. It’s definitely the social norm to bring something without question, but I wouldn’t bat an eye if someone didn’t contribute (especially a guy) to a party I was having. </p> <p>For instance my brother is in his mid-20s, single and lives 10mins from me. We are hosting Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. If I ask specifically, he will happily bring something. If I don’t, he wouldn’t even think to stop to get something. He’s the sweetest guy and I don’t consider it a character flaw. It’s just our family dynamic. I’ve gone with him to friend’s parties and he always brings something. Family is just different and I don’t think proper social etiquette has to always apply. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863293 Sat, 22 Dec 2018 13:02:45 +0000 Anagram 2863293@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The whole situation is different from my family—but it might be just that, a family difference. This is your husband’s family? </p> <p>In my family, we do potlucks and every family is expected to bring something and yes, it’s usually spearheaded by the women. I’m trying to remember a single male cousin and if he brings anything and I’ve never paid attention. But no one would bring just chips and a dip (unless it’s a homemade dip) or just something store bought like store cookies. We just don’t do store bought stuff at our family gatherings. So showing up with a block of cheese or store cookies is just as weird (in my particular family) as not bringing anything at all. No one would eat it. Having said that, we are the type of family that always has too much—way too much food. We always travel in, and we come the day before and hit the supermarket and prepare our dish there. We have specific assignments, like 4 families have to bring a non potato side, 2 families bring a potato side, 2 families bring a sweet potato side, 4 families bring the meats, 2 families the breads, 4 families the desserts, th young unmarried being appetizers. With the assignments so specific, people would notice if you didn’t bring anything, lol. </p> <p>But my husbands side doesn’t do potlucks at all, so when they have family get togetherness, someone hosts and the cook or cater for everyone. </p> <p>So different families do different things. 🤷‍♀️ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863292 Sat, 22 Dec 2018 11:34:43 +0000 WinterBee 2863292@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cat620: I would also find it inconsiderate to not bring anything, especially to a family potluck when it has been asked.<br /> Every year my brother, sister in law and their 2 young kids fly to our hometown to visit family, there’s always a family BBQ and they always contribute.<br /> My husband and I, and our young kids and dog travel 4+ hours to family holidays and events and always manage to bring something.<br /> I either make it here and put it in the car to bring with us, or pick up on the way. It’s suoer easy for one of us to run into the store while the other stays in the car to grab something. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863291 Sat, 22 Dec 2018 10:47:33 +0000 MrsBucky 2863291@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As someone who has traveled for both Thanksgiving and Christmas 14 of the last 16 years I really don’t have a problem with people not contributing when they travel. Especially with small kids I can’t do both. I now find it so much easier to host than to travel with both kids that I am happy to do the extra work of hosting and I do know it is extra work because that extra work is so much easier than traveling especially at this time of year. Before I had kids I was dependent who I was stayomg with because I rarely had my own car because rentals adddd so much to already huge travel costs and those we stayed with insisted it was unnecessary. At the end of the day though I think it’s between them and the host. If the expectation is that everyone bring something I think it is possible for them to bring something maybe just not as nice or homemade. But the host may not have a problem with letting them off the hook since they’re coming from out of town. I do think coming from out of town should let you off the hook because it’s a lot of work and cost to pick up and travel across the country to see family </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863289 Sat, 22 Dec 2018 10:33:17 +0000 periwinklebee 2863289@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Corduroy: I just stopped to think when I read this that in three decades of holiday dinners with extended family, the women always bring something, whereas single men never do, including those who are now in their 60s. </p> <p>In our case I don't think it reflects any ill will or lack of consideration on their part, just the social expectation that men don't know how to cook and holidays deserve homemade food. It's great when women enjoy the cooking, but sucks when they don't and get less help since half the attendees aren't contributing! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863287 Sat, 22 Dec 2018 10:19:00 +0000 gotkimchi 2863287@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This wouldn’t bother me at all and if the host is annoyed by it then I would let her say something.</p> <p>@LBee: 100% </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863286 Sat, 22 Dec 2018 10:08:06 +0000 LBee 2863286@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: This. </p> <p>I think we would all be well served not to worry about what others do and just keep our own side of the street clean. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863281 Sat, 22 Dec 2018 07:53:44 +0000 looch 2863281@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think people's level of niceness is measured by what they contribute to a dinner. I am a cleaner, so when we are invited to someone's home, you can count on me to help you clean up or set up. But to just bring a block of cheese or some store bought cookies, I don't see the point of that.</p> <p>I would hope we were invited because you wanted to spend time with us. If you invited me because of what I would bring, well, I don't want to be there anyway! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863277 Sat, 22 Dec 2018 01:23:39 +0000 Corduroy 2863277@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't really think it's a big deal but maybe I'm the thoughtless jerk. I'm flying to my in-laws and I'm not stopping by the store on the way to their house or preparing anything for any holiday parties we may attend while we're there (I don't know of any specific events). And my kid has a food allergy so I'm adding work for all of them. But MIL arranged it all and I assume she knows her family dynamic well enough to keep people happy. I do help her cook and clean. </p> <p>However, I'm a little bitter that my brother is not expected to bring anything to our local family events now that he's divorced. It seems like he just got a free lifetime pass from helping. I wouldn't trade places with him but I fail to see how being a single man disqualifes him from bringing anything. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863274 Fri, 21 Dec 2018 23:49:57 +0000 ElbieKay 2863274@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This would not bother me. It seems kind of petty to keep track. It reminds me of when my parents complain about not receiving a thank you note. Did they get someone a gift simply to receive a thank you?</p> <p>It is what it is. People are motivated to something nice, or they’re not. I try to leave my expectations at the door when I am dealing with people. I have learned the hard way that you can’t get someone to change who they are. Take it or leave it.</p> <p>Wow, that was a lot of platitudes. Sorry about that! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863273 Fri, 21 Dec 2018 23:04:40 +0000 Sams Mom 2863273@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just because they flew in doesn't get them out of stopping by the store. When my sisters lived out of state and would fly in for holidays, they would either kick in on ingredients for doubling it tripling my or my mom's dish; or they would run to the store themselves and make something.</p> <p>I would text and ask what they're bringing so you don't accidentally double up or something. When they say nothing, I'd say "o, I just figured you'd stop by the store for something" but I'm an ass and my siblings/their spouses have no problem calling each other on crap 😂 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863272 Fri, 21 Dec 2018 22:53:55 +0000 Foodnerd81 2863272@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It would get a big eye roll from me. Unless the ones who are flying won’t have their own car, in which I can see how that gets harder. I would still ask my parents to bring an extra bottle of wine for me or something probably, but it is a lot trickier without a car. But I also agree with @Ms. RV: that there usually are tons of leftovers at this type of thing so it’s not really a big deal. Just kind of rude. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863267 Fri, 21 Dec 2018 22:16:17 +0000 Shantuck 2863267@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This wouldn’t bother me either. If I was coming from out of town, I’d probably bring wine or a hostess gift but without your own kitchen, it’s probably hard to prepare anything. I’d personally cut them some slack. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863266 Fri, 21 Dec 2018 22:07:03 +0000 Ms. RV 2863266@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am going to say it doesn't bother me because at everyone-bring-something events, there tends to be a lot of leftovers. I guess they could bring wine or something, assuming it is a family that drinks/wine is easily obtainable (where I live only state stores/some restaurants/cellars sell wine, so it is conceivable to me it would not be practical to buy) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863260 Fri, 21 Dec 2018 20:39:18 +0000 Raspberry 2863260@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This would not bother me because I would just let the action reflect poorly on themselves. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863248 Fri, 21 Dec 2018 18:36:37 +0000 Littlebit7 2863248@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh yeah. The tit for tat mentality really annoys me. Like “I travelled so far I’m not doing x y or z” </p> <p>Stop by the freaking grocery store and show up<br /> with a block of cheese for chrissakes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863247 Fri, 21 Dec 2018 18:32:39 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2863247@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cat620: my MIL and my mom are usually the ones hosting the big dinners so they don’t expect us to cook something that’s part of the meal and travel with it since it takes us a long time to get there. But if they did, bringing wine, a pie, buns or rolls is so easy to contribute even if you’re far away. In this situation I think it’s different and everyone who’s invited should bring something no matter what. It’s not like he has to cook a turkey to bring! I could totally picture my younger brother pulling this but his wife would never let it happen. I would just leave it because it’s him that looks bad/rude and not you!</p> <p>ETA: you could ask them directly and casually what they’re planning on bringing and when they say nothing you could just act a bit confused. As for you hosting, I would absolutely in future ask them to contribute something easy to transport like I mentioned. Maybe they’ll get the hint. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863246 Fri, 21 Dec 2018 18:19:35 +0000 MamaBear87 2863246@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Who feels comfortable showing up with nothing? Traveling or not it takes 10 min to stop at the store, at least bring a bottle of wine. That would bug me but I feel comfortable enough with my family and my husband's family that I would mention it </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863245 Fri, 21 Dec 2018 18:18:42 +0000 cat620 2863245@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wrkbrk: @muffinsmuffins: Thank you! Whenever I ask my in-laws about what they are bringing, they always say they should be off the hook because they have to travel. I feel sometimes like we're at a disadvantage for living nearby, because we have to host holidays and contribute to what's going on while BILs never reciprocate. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863244 Fri, 21 Dec 2018 18:13:09 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2863244@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I also agree with you. It’s a casual party and any adult is capable of stopping at the store for something pre-prepared if that’s on the invite. This frequently happens to us because we are 3.5 hrs from home during Christmas and I just pop over the store on the way. I would feel super rude not to or to think my parents bringing something means I don’t have to...because I’m 34 not 10 ha </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863242 Fri, 21 Dec 2018 18:05:35 +0000 wrkbrk 2863242@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No I agree with you. I’d be irritated. Actually I am irritated - similar situation. My sister and BIL traveled here for Christmas and we are hosting and they are not bringing anything because of having to fly. Okkkk. You’re both 35 years old. Stop by Walgreens and get a bottle of wine maybe? Eye roll. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/traveling-and-expectations-to-contribute#post-2863241 Fri, 21 Dec 2018 17:59:53 +0000 cat620 2863241@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm wondering what you all think about this situation. My two brother-in-laws and their wives are coming to town for Christmas. One had to fly several hours to get here and the other one drove 3 hours. I don't expect them to bring anything to contribute to Christmas Eve dinner (which we're hosting) or to Christmas dinner (which my in-laws are hosting). However, I did feel a little annoyed that they weren't planning to bring anything to the Christmas party we're all going to this Saturday. </p> <p>My husband's aunt is inviting all the extended family to her house for a casual Christmas party, and she asked everyone to bring an appetizer to share. There's going to be 25 people there. I asked my in-laws what everyone is planning to bring, and they said they are bringing chips and dip and my BILs aren't bringing anything. I feel like in that situation the BILs should stop by a grocery store and pick up some cookies or something instead of showing up empty handed. My in-laws aren't planning to bring any extra food to cover them either. Would this irritate anyone else, or do you think it's not a big deal? </p>