https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 01 May 2026 18:02:30 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2115341 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 22:34:22 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 2115341@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrscobee: thanks! I've learned so much more since I wrote those, too... My adoptive relationship is sooo different now. It's grown and deepened in such an amazing way. Open adoption has been such a beautiful part of our lives! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2115168 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 20:12:26 +0000 mrscobee 2115168@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jacks: thanks for providing your perspective!! You have such a wealth of information about adoption! I went back and read some of your old blog posts! So much good info there!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114707 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 14:25:15 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 2114707@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I haven't read all the replies yet, but I could go on for a long time about this topic. Unfortunately, I'm on service... So I'll just touch on a few points for now and come back tonight with more.<br /> 1) research shows that children in open adoptions do better in all outcome measures than children I closed adoptions. Now this may be a function of the psychosocial sophistication of adoptive and birth parents in open adoptions and trend towards less drug use/psychosocial stressors on both sides... Or a function of child having an understanding of where he or she came from.<br /> 2) no one should promise openness unless they plan to follow through. It's not fair to the birth mom and it's not fair to the child! Know your limits and be yourself.<br /> 3) there is a baby for every family. I live in a conservative area. It would be really tempting to say that we were super religious and super conservative. Instead we were proudly ourselves and found the BEST birth family ever for us. I would have been miserable if we marketed ourselves and had a different kind of match that didn't reflect who we are. Birth mom would have been frustrated about that. So don't market yourselves. Just be yourselves... Someone will think you are the most awesome family ever.<br /> 4) know that open adoption is amazing!!! We started out semi-open, but we're now as open as can be. We text daily. We see each other all the time... As often as we see other friends. It works for us. We're clear about boundaries. Being open has made me a better mom. It makes my kids better kids. It has enriched our lives in ways too numerous to count. I have so many more relatives than I did before. Birth parents chose us to be parents and that's what they expect of us. We are also mentors to them while they inspire is to be the best parents for their babies. By knowing them better, we can understand behavioral issues better. I love it when S tells me something from her upbringing that suddenly clicks as a way to help M. Her mom has also had many helpful tips for us.</p> <p>Again I have so much more to say, but no time...<br /> I also have a post about keeping costs down in adoption... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114552 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 13:11:51 +0000 loki 2114552@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Shutterbug: i know, i'm so sorry, i'm totally threadjacking! i'll wall you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114550 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 13:10:24 +0000 Shutterbug 2114550@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@loki: I'm curious about how/when you met your bio family, since you had a closed adoption? Was it just closed until you turned 18? Sorry this is becoming like a Reddit AMA for you on adoption, haha ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114526 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 13:01:02 +0000 loki 2114526@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@TemperanceBrennan: i'm not sure if moving is in their agreement. if it's not they should definitely consider it! haha. yes i've met her. i was there when she was born and i actually babysat her a few times - the dads were much more comfortable with me being around because i really respected their relationship and their boundaries. they even had lunch with my adoptive parents a number of times. i've taken a big step back from my biological family in recent years and this is a large part of it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114514 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 12:55:40 +0000 TemperanceBrennan 2114514@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@loki: Wow. Are they restricted from ever moving? Have you ever met her? Sounds complicated and difficult. </p> <p>Sorry for all the questions! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114502 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 12:49:03 +0000 loki 2114502@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@TemperanceBrennan: we're in canada so maybe that plays a role.<br /> i'm sure she wouldn't sue, she's only 22 now. but she makes their lives very miserable. for a long time she was like just popping in and stopping by whenever she felt like it. and they didn't feel like they could say much, which was insane. they have for the most part kept up their end of the deal BUT they visit family on the east coast a lot and i think that is so they can kind of get away and have an excuse to not stick to the once a month visit. now that my sister is a bit older it's not AS bad because she has her own things going on and isn't so intense about it. but they definitely have to make time for them a lot or they hear about it and are guilted and it causes a lot of tension and problems. it's just not pleasant, all around. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114496 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 12:45:52 +0000 TemperanceBrennan 2114496@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: I think it echos my feeling that birth parents should get as much information as possible. Regardless of culture/religion people in America (I'm assuming that's where the adoption took place) judge others on their skin tone so I can absolutely understand that was one of the factors (maybe a really big factor) why they would choose that family over another. </p> <p>@loki: @Leialou: Maybe it's different in different states? My SIL describes it as the biological parents having all the power before the adoption is finalized, but adoptive parents having all the power afterwards. Her family makes every effort to stick to their agreements (they have four kids with various levels of contact with their biological parents) but it is ultimately their decision. </p> <p>loki - What a tough situation. Have the dads kept up their end of the agreement? What recourse does your sister have if they didn't? Would she sue them? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114437 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 12:18:11 +0000 loki 2114437@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: my family ALWAYS says that.... my sister views it as these two guys watching her kid for her. it's awful. she won't even call her what the dads named her! it's really really hard to watch and i had to distance myself from the whole situation because it was breaking my heart. once my sister said "my mom wishes she had chosen open adoption with you" and i had to bite my tongue because all i wanted to say was THANK GOD SHE DIDN'T. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114424 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 12:12:29 +0000 mrscobee 2114424@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@loki: True. The child is the one who will suffer most from the crazy situation :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114421 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 12:12:03 +0000 Truth Bombs 2114421@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I personally don't think I could handle an open adoption as an adoptive parent. I was watching a reality show recently about a woman who was considering putting her child up for adoption and she kept asking the agency questions like "my rights to a relationship will be protected right? So if I want to take him to Dodgers game and the adoptive parents don't want me to, I get to tell them too bad because it's my right!!". The adoption agent said he was concerned that the birth mother viewed the arrangement as long term baby sitting rather than giving up her right to parent, and I thought that comment was right on the money. I think @loki:'s point is spot on that if couples are desperate for a baby they will promise things in the moment that in the long run just aren't good for any of the parties involved. I would hate to see their vulnerability capitalized on to the detriment of the child who will eventually be caught in the middle in the future if things go awry. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114410 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 12:05:33 +0000 loki 2114410@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrscobee: i'm really sad for the little girl, mostly :( as an adopted child i can totally relate and wish for her it was closed! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114400 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 12:00:05 +0000 mrscobee 2114400@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrs.shinerbock: Those are very good points. And there is some risk with an older child that they will mask the severity of any problems the child may have. I feel like when there is such a disparity between supply and demand, these problems are created because people feel like they might not be able to express their true wants or true realities of the situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114394 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 11:57:23 +0000 mrscobee 2114394@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@loki: OMG! 12 times a year!! That is so crazy!! They did promise the world. So sad for both parties. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114393 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 11:57:22 +0000 loki 2114393@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: I KNOW. and that was just what they promised IN WRITING. it is actually insane and they regret it A LOT. my sister is actually my biological mom's daughter who i didn't meet until i was 17 so i can totally relate to the dads and what it's like to be thrust into that family... so i really feel for them. but understand that they kind of brought it on themselves, unfortunately. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114389 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 11:57:11 +0000 mrs.shinerbock 2114389@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think there is also a lot of difference between adopting an infant and an older child - whether domestically or internationally. The pressure to market yourself is higher with an infant, because the supply is much lower than the demand, whereas with an older child, the supply is higher than the demand. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114385 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 11:54:18 +0000 Anagram 2114385@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@loki: 12 times a year?? Every year, forever? That is a LOT. I don't even see our own families 12 times a year. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114378 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 11:52:19 +0000 loki 2114378@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@TemperanceBrennan: in my sister's situation, their agreement was put into writing and it is binding. they agreed to my sister seeing her biological daughter 12 times a year in writing but promised her much more verbally. it's a mess. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114375 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 11:50:52 +0000 loki 2114375@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i mentioned this on another thread but my younger sister placed her baby with a couple and they have an open adoption. honestly, it's a bit of a mess. this couple is two males and had been promised babies in the past that ended up staying with their birth mothers. so when my sister was pregnant they promised her THE WORLD. they would have said anything to get this baby. and they did. and now that the little girl is 5, it is a disaster because my sister has really high expectations for her involvement in her life and the dads really regret what they said they were willing to do.<br /> i think if an open adoption is going to work there need to be very clear cut boundaries. i grew up adopted but mine was completely closed and i think it gave me a sense of normalcy. i wouldn't have wanted it any other way, personally. but that's such a good point that it could hurt a couple's chances of having a baby placed with them. then again, i'm sure there are a lot of birth mothers who want to just move on and a closed adoption appeals to them... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114367 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 11:46:12 +0000 Anagram 2114367@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@TemperanceBrennan: I dunno! I don't know if you saw my post in the other thread, but my DH's cousin was just chosen by a birth parent because they are not white and all the other couples were--the birth mom specifically chose them because they are her daughter's skin tone, even though their cultures and religions are totally different. Well, that's the story--but the parents are highly qualified, nice, educated people so I sure hope all of that factored in, too! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114365 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 11:45:49 +0000 mrscobee 2114365@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@TemperanceBrennan: Totally agree with all of this!!! I think probably most birth parents do make decisions on more than just superficial things! But it doesn't seem that way when the task of putting that book together is so daunting and seems a little superficial! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114350 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 11:39:10 +0000 TemperanceBrennan 2114350@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrscobee: I totally get that concern. We are interested in adoption and it is so daunting to think about putting together a book that completely encompasses us as a couple/family/human beings using only pictures and words.<br /> Ultimately, I blame technology!<br /> I also think the more information, the better, so I like to believe that birth parents will make the decision based on more than just the flashy superficial stuff. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114349 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 11:39:09 +0000 mrscobee 2114349@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Leialou: Thanks again for providing that link! I have already started reading, and so much good info I had never considered!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114348 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 11:36:21 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 2114348@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@TemperanceBrennan: I thought it was legally binding because my agreement is (although mine is for an object, not a person). I definitely don't know a lot about traditional adoptions. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114339 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 11:32:15 +0000 TemperanceBrennan 2114339@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrscobee: In my experience, the amount of openness is discussed during the adoption process and an agreement is usually made between all parties - but it is not legally binding. It is ultimately up to the adoptive parents how much contact is made with birth family (unless there isn't any response from the birth family). The adoptive parents have all the "power" so to say (after the adoption is complete). I don't think the birth parents have any rights to demand to see/have contact with their biological children. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114335 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 11:30:34 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 2114335@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrscobee: It's hard to say. I don't think the agreement could ever be in jeopardy because it's a legally binding contract. I think if the birth family wanted to change it and even took it to a judge they would have an extremely difficult time doing so. I can't say it would be impossible because I've done no research on it. I do think that if either party wanted a change and the other didn't that it could lead to hurt feelings and a possible soured relationship. That is one thing that does make an open relationship complicated. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114334 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 11:30:11 +0000 mrscobee 2114334@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Leialou: Thanks!! I hadn't seen that and will check it out for sure! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114333 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 11:29:39 +0000 mrscobee 2114333@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@TemperanceBrennan: That is definitely an interesting perspective. I do see how it could be beneficial to the child in many circumstances, as they would have fewer questions about where they came from. I also see your point on the "marketing" thing too, and I know that is probably the original intention. I just wonder if that great intention ever gets lost in the marketing efforts, you know like people choosing the best looking family, with the best looking house, with the best looking pictures, who put the best words on paper kind of thing... I don't know the answer to that, but hope that is rarely the case! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/trend-toward-more-open-adoptions#post-2114321 Thu, 19 Mar 2015 11:23:50 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 2114321@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>There is a nice series on the blog about open adoptions. I like Mrs. Jacks post about the pros and cons of closed adoptions, open adoptions, and semi-open adoptions.</p> <p><a href="http://www.hellobee.com/open-adoptions/" rel="nofollow">http://www.hellobee.com/open-adoptions/</a> </p>