https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 11 May 2026 06:36:08 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help/page/2#post-2034537 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 20:04:15 +0000 ScarletBegonia 2034537@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hi - you've already received a bunch of great advice on your particular situation - I just wanted to tell you that my maternal grandmother is a textbook narcissist who has gotten MUCH worse as she has aged (also since she lost her husband at 39, when my mother was 14). My mom has found support, solace and wonderful advice at<br /> <a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/" rel="nofollow">http://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/</a><br /> (sorry if I'm not supposed to link, delete if inappropriate, its easily googleable)<br /> Not sure if you are into reddit at all (I'm not, really) but I read the posts there and comment avidly. It's actually scary how much people on there can relate to each other.<br /> Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help/page/2#post-2034514 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 19:41:10 +0000 Astro Bee 2034514@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@AlohaOrchid: I think you'd mentioned earlier that you couldn't change the dates not only because they were refundable but also based on your schedules. Were you committed to O'ahu, or would you be happy on another island? DH and I have been to Hawaii a few times to several different islands, and really liked Maui. It's really easy to island hop with frequent, and cheap, flights. I'd look into that, and just pull an "oops, last minute deal" with your mom. You could arrange for DH to have a golf day with your dad on one end of the trip or the other (if it's important to him), and if you can handle your mom for a single day, arrange something with her that you'd actually like to do. Other than that, it's your vacay, girl! Do what makes you happy and relaxed. Your mental health is the most important factor here. Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help/page/2#post-2034495 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 19:27:05 +0000 Tanjowen 2034495@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@alohaorchid: I don't know if it's an option to move the vacation a week or two, but most airlines will let you do a one time change of ticket dates for a fee, and so will many hotels. It might be worth checking into because this sounds like the vacation from hell coming up. :bummed: I imagine it's easy to say ignore her or set boundaries, but a narcissistic will still find some way to ignore the rules. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help/page/2#post-2034363 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 16:59:02 +0000 FliegepilzHut 2034363@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wanted to amend my prior post, but couldn't. Just wanted to say, if a simple conversation "we are going to do our own thing and would like our privacy respected" won't do any good, definitely change resorts, islands, or dates-- anything it takes to make this YOUR vacation! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2034340 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 16:45:29 +0000 BSB 2034340@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yikes. Wow, that would suck if you went on vacation with her. I know you said you can't change flights, but I would look into finding another flight to get you to another part of the island (or could rent a car and drive there) or fly to another island. You wouldn't be changing your current flights but just adding a new flight to the new island. Granted you might be at the airport waiting for that other flight but it sounds like it's better than being near your mom. Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2034310 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 16:22:24 +0000 IRunForFun 2034310@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow. I agree it sounds really fishy that this is all a big coincidence. </p> <p>I know you said the plane tickets are non-refundable, but did you check to see if you can cancel the flights and just get a credit for a later date? I purchased non-refundable tickets for a trip recently, and ended up having to cancel, thinking I'd have to eat the cost, but was pleasantly surprised they'd credit me the same amount to be used for another flight within the next 12 months.</p> <p>Alternatively, I like PP's suggestions of keeping the flights, but changing hotels to something far enough away that they can't easily "drop in" on you, or going to a different island entirely. @gingerbebe:'s suggestion sounds really good! </p> <p>Lastly, what if you made a fake itinerary? It sounds ridiculous, but that way your mom wouldn't think your plans consisted of just laying around, and she may be less likely to intrude on concrete (fake) plans?</p> <p>ETA: If you do end up having to stay at the neighboring hotel, definitely do not give your room number, and tell the front desk ahead of time not to give it out. That way at least you'd have the peace of mind that she can't seek you out in your room... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2034293 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 16:09:19 +0000 gingerbebe 2034293@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@alohaorchid: Also, call the parent company of your hotel and speak to customer service. Tell them you have a borderline stalking situation and would like to see if it's possible to transfer the reservation to another property they own on another island. Hilton, Hyatt, Sheraton, Aqua, Aston - they all have properties everywhere in Hawaii. Then book inter-island flights and go to another island. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2034137 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 15:19:37 +0000 ShootingStar 2034137@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you just tell her straight out that you intended this to be a romantic vacation and that you will do dinner with them one night, and that's it. She can take it or leave it. </p> <p>I actually like going on vacation with my parents, and actually do a couple times a year, and I would not be ok with this. We don't even spend all day every day together when we do vacation with them. No one wants that, lol. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2034107 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 15:12:00 +0000 littleveesmommy 2034107@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That sounds terrible! :bummed: I would also just deal with the wrath now of telling her that you will not be spending time with her (maaaaaaaaybe a dinner) so you can save your sanity. Do not under any circumstances tell her what room you are staying in and instruct the hotel to keep your info private. </p> <p>Would it also be possible to have what @.twist. suggested - a vacation behavior intervention? It is completely unacceptable behavior and if no one has stood up to her, then maybe she thinks people are going to keep giving in. Sorry I don't have any better suggestions but definitely feel bad for you. :bummed: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2034031 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 14:47:33 +0000 SugarplumsMom 2034031@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>1) Is it possible to cancel your room reservations?<br /> 2) If so, I'd look for a place (perhaps on another island) and get away from her before she figures out you're getting away :happy: </p> <p>From what you explained, it won't be a vacation with her around. In fact, most people would pay to NOT be in that situation. I would most diffidently play nice on the plane and part ASAP after arrival. If she doesn't already know where you're staying, it would be easier to just say "have fun ... maybe we can schedule a lunch date...".</p> <p>Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2034017 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 14:40:39 +0000 Shutterbug 2034017@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yeesh, between your SIL and your mom, you really do need a relaxing vacation! </p> <p>Maybe if you piss her off enough now, she'll cancel/change her plans, since you can't change yours? If not, I think I'd switch hotels if at all possible (maybe even islands!) and not answer any of her calls, etc while you're there, and deal with the wrath. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033996 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 14:33:07 +0000 lamariniere 2033996@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LuLu Mom: this is what I was going to suggest. Make things clear before you go that this is a vacation for you and your DH. Period. One or two activities together are more than enough. Other than that, don't give out your hotel room number, tell the hotel staff not to give out your room number if someone calls or comes in looking for you, and don't answer your phone when she calls. Your mom does sound completely narcissistic and childish. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033994 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 14:31:55 +0000 blackbird 2033994@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So first of all, this is weirdly coincidental. </p> <p>Non-refundable may not mean non-transferrable, by the way. </p> <p>Second of all, I feel your pain. i have been there, I have done that, i have lived this trips. My dad is a textbook narcissist, too (The book through the looking glass was very helpful) and my mother is one, too, but of a different type. More like your mom, gets all butt hurt when she doesn't get her way or treated in the manner she wants to be. I have to really watch my words with her or she twists them all up into something evil, basically. I've seen a therapist for 2 years to come up with proper ways to deal with this. My therapist calls it" crazy making behavior". ie where what she does makes you feel like you are going crazy. It is a really fucked up parent-child dynamic. And it is toxic as hell. </p> <p>We went on vacation once with my parents to Jamaica. They wanted us to go so badly, they paid for it. We will never go on a trip with them again. EVER. It was a really miserable time, but i won't get into the stories. And having an upgraded suite did not make it a better trip, either....my mom harassed the manager for a nice suite for my birthday. I could have cared less about it, frankly. I was so anxious, upset, and spent most of my evenings crying. </p> <p>They are not rational people. Nothing you can say or do will get it through into her head. </p> <p>I would probably eat the cost of a new hotel (or finagle a way to cancel ours) and tell my mom that while i knew she was looking forward to a foursome vacation, DH and I decided that we really wanted a weekend to ourselves, sans family. I would lie through my teeth that we couldn't get off.. And sure, she'll cry and moan and tell you are the worst daughter ever (my father told me i am going to hell, told me I must not love my own daughter)....but you're going to be unhappy either way, right? And putting up some serious boundaries (aka ginormous walls) is the only way to manage this sort of super bull shit. The "have a simple discussion with your mom" tactic likely isn't going to work. She really doesn't see the world from anyone else's POV. Nobody else matters. It's all about how it affects her. </p> <p>I mean, at the end of the day, what is it? That you feel guilty for upsetting her? That everyone WILL think you're a horrible daughter? That she will yell at you? In that case, i walk away or hang up the phone. You don't have to be abused by her. Yeah it gets old being told you are, basically, a piece of shit. But then you sort of hit a point where you realize that people who treat you like that always will and that they don't deserve for you to bend over backwards for them. So protect yourself. Is anyone REALLY going to fault you for wanting to go on a vacation without your parents? </p> <p>I could go on for days, man. DAYS, You're going to waste your money if you go on this trip, I can almost guarantee it. You will come home more stressed afterwards.</p> <p>We were also promised "alone time" on our trip. Well, she found us. Numerous times. Popped up at dinner, by the pool...by the beach. It's really not fun spending your trip feeling like you're being stalked at every moment. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033979 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 14:26:47 +0000 Mrs. Lion 2033979@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jump Rope: I was thinking the same thing but trying not to be too much of a conspiracy theorist ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033969 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 14:23:09 +0000 gingerbebe 2033969@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just ignore your parents. Your husband will have to deal with not golfing with your dad if it's going to add to your stress. It's not worth it. I would just jump in your rental car and go hit different beaches every day. Do not give your room info to your parents and by all means go visit a different island for a day or two. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033959 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 14:19:45 +0000 Baby Boy Mom 2033959@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know you said you don't like to plan, but what if you made a schedule for the week so that they know when you're going to be spending time together? Then any issues with the plan can be dealt with ahead of time, and if she tries to book something else you can decline because it wasn't in the plan? Just trying to think pragmatically since it sounds like you don't want to cancel altogether. :goodluck: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033947 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 14:12:36 +0000 Smurfette 2033947@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jump Rope: fishy is right. Seriously what are the odds? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033944 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 14:07:03 +0000 Mrs.Someone 2033944@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yuck, sounds like an awful situation. Maybe not the best idea, but what about doing something to upset her big time on the first day, hoping she will give you the silent treatment for the rest of the trip? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033940 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 14:04:32 +0000 avivoca 2033940@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That sounds like an absolute nightmare. It sucks, but I would just be out the money and try to book somewhere else in Hawaii. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033934 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 14:02:15 +0000 alohaorchid 2033934@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Going for lunch - will respond when I get back :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033932 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 14:00:44 +0000 Mrs. Lion 2033932@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@alohaorchid: As someone who also had a very strained relationship with my mom (not quite that strained, but I had a "24 hour together" limit because I couldn't handle more than that....)</p> <p>I would either decide right now and let her know that you will set your own schedule regardless of her feelings about it and be willing to cut ties if she goes bat shit crazy, OR find a way to cancel your trip. I personally would rather not go to Hawaii than deal with that situation....</p> <p>And honestly, I think I would tell her that she can either get help and stop with the controlling behavior or you will cut ties at home too. That kind of family situation is not good for anyone, and you should not have to deal with that. You have to decide what you can tolerate and what you cant, be firm and set very strong boundaries where if your boundaries are violated you immediately remove yourself from the situation. I had to do that in the past, and it made things much more bearable. At least I knew I had an escape. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033931 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 13:59:45 +0000 mrbee 2033931@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly, this sounds like a nightmare!! She's gonna be mad either way, so I'd just break the joint plans now and deal with her wrath. At least that way, you can still enjoy your time there! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033929 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 13:57:38 +0000 looch 2033929@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@alohaorchid: I feel for you...I don't know what I would do, honestly, because she can easily come by and interrupt your quiet beach or pool lounging day. </p> <p>But seriously, if you let her book stuff and she doesn't go, what is she going to do? Rant and rage in a public place? The hotel surely won't allow that to continue to go on. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033925 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 13:55:52 +0000 Mrs. Jump Rope 2033925@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@alohaorchid: I would nope the ever loving fuck out of that &amp; dodge my mother. Seriously. Be in cognito. Make it a game. Go buy a fun new floppy hat because ain't nobody got time for that kind of drama in HAWAII.</p> <p>I find it really sneaky in a "is your phone tapped?!" kind of way that your mother booked an IDENTICAL vacation as you. Seriously what are the chances of that happening? There are 365 days in the year and how many Arline's to choose from, and your mother picks the exact same week and airline that you're traveling? Something is fishy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033922 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 13:55:15 +0000 .twist. 2033922@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh! Sounds like a complete nightmare. I concur with booking a different hotel if you can. Like, on the other side of the island. </p> <p>I'm sure this has been done, but... has anyone talked to her about how awful it is to be around her on vacations? It sounds like your siblings feel the same way, could you guys have a vacation behaviour intervention? LOL </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033920 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 13:54:32 +0000 BabyMats 2033920@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@alohaorchid: shoot I will try and give u my kamaina deal if possible </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033919 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 13:54:05 +0000 FliegepilzHut 2033919@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@alohaorchid: Hooray for an upgrade! I agree, this is YOUR much-needed vacation and you and DH should not compromise. Maybe you guys could meet up beforehand and talk abou which days to plan a meal together or golf with your dad and DH...and otherwise insist on spending your time on the beach or however you see fit. Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033918 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 13:53:45 +0000 BabyMats 2033918@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@alohaorchid: look for a really good deal on another island and island hop. Stay a couple days so your husband can go golf and u do 1 dinner with them and go to another island last minute </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033915 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 13:51:57 +0000 alohaorchid 2033915@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LuLu Mom: I tried telling her that but she said since my plans consist of "doing nothing" (which is true, lol), it won't be a big deal for them to tag along. UGH! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/vacation-with-difficult-parents-help#post-2033912 Wed, 21 Jan 2015 13:50:51 +0000 alohaorchid 2033912@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mama Bird: No one knew we were booking or considering that week. It really is a crazy coincidence... well, that and we all do love going to Hawaii.</p> <p>@Mae: lol no kidding hey?! She treats one of my brothers the same way... we don't know why. We both just moved out young, keep our distance and maintained independence on all levels since a young age. </p>