https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 17 May 2026 20:49:33 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ventadvice-when-you-dont-like-your-parent#post-2856842 Thu, 15 Nov 2018 08:40:02 +0000 shabang 2856842@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@anonymous01234: Ha, I am neither! I run around with my hair on fire. But in this particular area, I have lots of experience. And, I know it's only going to get harder/worse as time goes on. So good luck to both of us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ventadvice-when-you-dont-like-your-parent#post-2856803 Wed, 14 Nov 2018 21:59:40 +0000 anonymous01234 2856803@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@shabang: ha, I thought when you said a week you must have been tough as nails. This sounds ridiculous over the internet, but you seem really wise and strategic. I appreciate everything you wrote and do take to heart that the grandma can have a warm relationship with the little kids, even if not there in the other ways we hope for. I have actually taken to calling when I'm already not in a great mood so as to not spoil my good mood, as usually she just complains ad nauseam to me about her life and then I cut the conversation short. But I like the logic to not get in there when you're already feeling down/vulnerable. </p> <p>@wrkbrk: I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with a similar thing. I already am on board with my husband and brother/SIL, we already were but now with young kids and the onset of dementia we have to be. I do agree that deflection goes a long way--last year she came to my in-laws' house for the holidays, sometimes my very charitable friends will come over for tea, etc. but I feel bad for putting other people in her path, you know? Not afraid of setting boundaries, I just lose my patience after the first day since she needles at them ceaselessly ("but why, WHY"). Maybe it's good practice for when the kids get bigger. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ventadvice-when-you-dont-like-your-parent#post-2856794 Wed, 14 Nov 2018 21:05:29 +0000 wrkbrk 2856794@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@anonymous01234: Specifically on how to deal with visits. Get your spouse on board. Your siblings on board. Set boundaries (sorry mom you have to leave/go upstairs now - it’s LO’s bath/bedtime. Sorry mom, we can’t spend all of Sunday with you because we have soccer/a play date/nap/work). Also to the extent you can, have other people over too: we try to combine my parents’ visits with neighbors or my in laws or my sister......some deflection helps. Also, wine! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ventadvice-when-you-dont-like-your-parent#post-2856792 Wed, 14 Nov 2018 21:00:31 +0000 wrkbrk 2856792@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sending love. 💙 Dealing with a very very similar situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ventadvice-when-you-dont-like-your-parent#post-2856712 Wed, 14 Nov 2018 15:40:16 +0000 shabang 2856712@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@anonymous01234: Oh no, she doesn't stay a full 7 days. She stays 3-4 max. When I say "go through the week", I mean when she's not there. Before I started doing the above, I would be upset almost every single week from conversations I would have with her on the phone, and it would wreck my day or couple of days. </p> <p>I used to get caught in these "why doesn't this relationship work?" "why doesn't she like the person I am?" cycles, and I'm working on just accepting that this is her, and just because I don't have the "typical" mom, that doesn't mean I can't value what she is able to contribute positively - grandparenting without the grandparent caregiving duties.</p> <p>I forgot another thing - if I'm already stressed or exhausted or burned out, I don't call her. I call when I'm in a good mood, and more often than not, I try to involve the kids on facetime so I don't have to have any real discussions. And ditto to your list of off topic items, to be honest, we talk about the weather quite frequently.</p> <p>Anyway, I feel for you. It's something I'm continually navigating, but focusing on the good and actively putting my own peace of mind first has made a difference. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ventadvice-when-you-dont-like-your-parent#post-2856710 Wed, 14 Nov 2018 15:39:24 +0000 anonymous01234 2856710@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@foodiebee: That is really unbelievable. I'm sorry that anyone said that to you, but from her, that is wildly cruel. At least her obstinance supports the infrequency of you being exposed to that kind of thing :heart: and I hope you are finding support for your pregnancy troubles here, I sure did. It's not easy and it takes over almost a year of life! But your baby will be perfect. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ventadvice-when-you-dont-like-your-parent#post-2856706 Wed, 14 Nov 2018 15:32:18 +0000 foodiebee 2856706@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@anonymous01234: In my case, I don't have to think about how to handle visits because my mom refuses to travel outside her town. Anyone who wants to see her must go to her. I only make it to her part of the U.S. once a year, so that's the only time we visit in person. I handle it by psyching myself up to be as gracious and forgiving as possible. Some years I'm more successful than others.</p> <p>I remember when I told my mom how much trouble I was having with my current, first pregnancy. She responded by telling me that she'd respected me for not having kids. So I guess that gracious and forgiving thing has to apply all the time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ventadvice-when-you-dont-like-your-parent#post-2856703 Wed, 14 Nov 2018 15:29:12 +0000 anonymous01234 2856703@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Lindsay05: @shabang: thank you for the reminder that her relationship with the kids doesn't have to be a big fucking complicated mess like ours is. She is crazy about them and my older child really likes her, she's good at playing and is pretty tireless, which I know is not always the case. I will try and focus my gratitude on that.</p> <p>@Lindsay05: yes, well, I guess we're not the only ones who wish we had moms where we could be like, "can you unload the dishwasher and btw take the kids next month when we go on a couple's overnight" hahaha. ETA or actually just have them over for dinner and not be in a bad mood for 3 days afterwards. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ventadvice-when-you-dont-like-your-parent#post-2856702 Wed, 14 Nov 2018 15:26:39 +0000 anonymous01234 2856702@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@shabang: @JennyPenny: I was cross-posting with both of you.<br /> @shabang: this list is so good I screen-shotted it, I really appreciate you writing this out. my husband is always telling me to let the dumb advice go in one ear and out the other--he can't understand why it gets under my skin--I am trying on that one, too. Nice to hear that I'm not the only one who's a work in progress on this. And yeah, topics that I have deemed off limits (politely at first, then forcefully when she needles away at it... ugh): how much money I have/make, how much money other people have/make, sex, suicide, her religious cult, and #MeToo. The only contentious thing we can agree on is politics. When you say "a week", does she stay a full 7 days? How often does she come? I've realized over the past decade of visits that like you, I tend to lose patience after day 2. </p> <p>@JennyPenny: yes. For a long time I just didn't understand that not everyone feels a sense of dread and unhappy obligation when talking about the holidays and family visits--I always am like, "what?!" when women on HB talk about inviting their moms to come to the hospital to see a new baby. I cannot even imagine, it sounds so nice. Roger that on the no heart to heart. I don't want to flagellate her and none of the above is ever going to change, and yeah, what you said about the victim personality surfacing.. not productive. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ventadvice-when-you-dont-like-your-parent#post-2856698 Wed, 14 Nov 2018 15:18:34 +0000 Lindsay05 2856698@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Aww man. :( I get it. I have a terribly strained relationship with my mom. It stems from my childhood. I had a long response going into detail about my situation but I decided I probably shouldn't. I just wanted to say that I commiserate. I'm also very jealous of my friends whose parent comes to visit and actually helps instead of makes things worse. My only advice is, if the kids love her, then keep the relationship status quo for them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ventadvice-when-you-dont-like-your-parent#post-2856692 Wed, 14 Nov 2018 15:07:07 +0000 anonymous01234 2856692@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@periwinklebee: @Madison43: @foodiebee: It is truly comforting to hear that I'm not alone in feeling this way, so thanks for responding. It's also a little reassuring (although unhappily so) to know that other level-headed women can't figure out how to sort this kind of problem out. It's so ugly to conclude that you just don't like your own mom, especially now that I'm a mother myself and I can really appreciate everything my parents did for me. If anyone feels comfortable saying so--do you have any tips for handling visits? Do you just grit your teeth through them and then have a nice glass of wine when it's over? Anything more strategic, even if it's just something you tell yourself?</p> <p>@Madison43: Yep, this exactly. One of my primary goals as a mother is to balance being always reliably there for my kids and not losing my own identity. I don't ever want them to feel frightened like I did growing up or angry like I do now.</p> <p>@ElbieKay: I took a quick look at the outright lunatic MIL's on that board and WOW, yes it does lend perspective. My mom truly means well which does go an awfully long way, and is just incapable of self-awareness, which is far from a lot of this evil. I know a lot more people have a problem with their in-laws and it feels like there's more acceptance to complain/seek help with in-laws vs your own parents. Like, if this post was about my in-laws, I probably wouldn't have gone anonymous. It's helpful though. </p> <p>@foodiebee: :heart: this plus substance abuse is so, so much to handle. don't know what to say other than you must be really damn strong by now. </p> <p>@periwinklebee: yep, totally understand the reluctance to write more, but, thank you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ventadvice-when-you-dont-like-your-parent#post-2856680 Wed, 14 Nov 2018 14:54:24 +0000 JennyPenny 2856680@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can relate to so much of this it hurts. I mean really - like @Madison43 said I feel so jealous and pained when I see great mother daughter relationships that I'm missing out on. My one piece of advice though is DO NOT have a heart-to-heart about it. I tried recently to address some of the issues at the surface and it absolutely did not have the desired outcome. My mom is emotionally needy and always the victim and that came out in full force and then some :-/ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ventadvice-when-you-dont-like-your-parent#post-2856675 Wed, 14 Nov 2018 14:39:33 +0000 shabang 2856675@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm just going to write down some things that have worked for me with a similar situation:<br /> - I used to call daily, then twice a week. Now, I only call weekly.<br /> - I do not call in the evenings because she's been drinking and the conversation goes poorly.<br /> - When she offers advice about something I know is wrong, I let it go in one ear and out the other. This is very hard for me, so it's a work in progress.<br /> - When she gets overly negative on the phone or picks a fight with me, I shut it down and end the conversation.<br /> - I focus on the good parts. The children adore her, and she can be a highly dynamic and involved grandparent.<br /> - I recognize that she is a separate person from me, and her behavior is not mine, and I cannot control her, nor should I be embarrassed by her.<br /> - There are a ton of topics that I've deemed off limits with her.</p> <p>None of this is a solution. I still feel guilty, but I'm now able to go through the week without getting wrapped up in the drama. And, focusing on the good makes me less frustrated during her visits (at least for the first couple days, then I'm DONE). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ventadvice-when-you-dont-like-your-parent#post-2856641 Wed, 14 Nov 2018 13:37:18 +0000 foodiebee 2856641@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I could have written this along with the other comments that have been left. Mine also has substance abuse and depression. I don't know how to deal with it successfully, but I can totally relate. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ventadvice-when-you-dont-like-your-parent#post-2856638 Wed, 14 Nov 2018 13:26:45 +0000 ElbieKay 2856638@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry that you are having this experience. I am not in the identical situation, but I do often find my parents tone deaf which really tries my patience. I have found this reddit thread helpful to keep some perspective and also get some advice: <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/" rel="nofollow">https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ventadvice-when-you-dont-like-your-parent#post-2856633 Wed, 14 Nov 2018 13:18:21 +0000 Madison43 2856633@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just yes. I can commiserate. It’s very difficult and while I don’t think of myself as a jealous person, nothing makes me more envious than seeing some of my friends with their normal, adult parents. I have no advice. I am forever locked in the internal battle of feeling like I do about them, and then feeling extremely guilty about it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ventadvice-when-you-dont-like-your-parent#post-2856630 Wed, 14 Nov 2018 13:04:41 +0000 periwinklebee 2856630@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just to say, I sympathize :heart: I was going to write a bunch more, but then figured I shouldn't in the event that I can be associated with my account (and I don't have any solutions yet, it is just also something I worry about...) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ventadvice-when-you-dont-like-your-parent#post-2856619 Wed, 14 Nov 2018 12:44:40 +0000 anonymous01234 2856619@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Regular user going anonymous here because this is sensitive and we've established that no one has Gold anymore :) </p> <p>Just wondering who else here has a really difficult relationship with their parents, and if you have any advice on how to deal long-term with not liking them. It feels like you are really not supposed to say that, but there it is. </p> <p>My mother (she and my dad are divorced) is extremely emotionally needy, total victim mentality, incompetent at nearly everything, has made a lifetime of bad decisions affecting all of us, and is overall a very annoying person (super opinionated about things she knows nothing about, full of bad advice that she's ardent about, doesn't listen, bothers literally every stranger sitting next to her on public transit until they submit to an unwanted conversation with her, the list goes on). She used me as her emotional cleanup sponge for years before I started going to therapy and put an end to it (me: "Mom, stop telling me you're going to commit suicide one day; Mom, stop trying to girl-talk with me about your sex life, it makes me uncomfortable and it's inappropriate". her: "I don't need a therapist, I have you!"). She gets extremely hurt and acts like a petulant child when I enforce boundaries like this. My brother and I have been fielding comments to the effect of "wow it's fucking amazing that you guys turned out normal with parents like that" from extended family, family friends, our friends, our partners/spouses, since college. </p> <p>She is enormously proud to be a grandma and her big thing is that she always wants to come visit to "help" and her frequently-stated only desire in life is to be around me and my brother and our respective kids. But, she is a total slob who is basically a tornado of debris and disorder, she is not capable of putting on a diaper or soothing the baby, I don't trust her with my very young kids, and unfortunately she is getting quite frail and isn't physically strong enough to help even if she were competent. She is also, very very unfortunately, in early stages of alzheimers or dementia; all of the personality traits above have been lifelong, but this has been obvious for the past year or two. She is in complete denial about this and becomes furious when my brother and I have very delicately brought it up. </p> <p>When she visits (about 4x a year for 3-4 days), it's really burdensome and I get super testy and snappy even though I try my hardest to just be cool. Currently, she is slated to retire soon and she is extremely hurt that neither my brother/SIL nor my husband and I want her to come live near us. They are lovely, very balanced people and feel exactly the way I do about all of the above. </p> <p>I guess I'm wondering how to deal with this long-term. I hate her visits and have spent my entire adult life trying to get away from the needy insanity, but now that I have babies and she's retiring, I feel like I'm just stuck in a constant cycle of trying to hold her off. What prompted me to write this post is I invited her for Thanksgiving and she booked her trip for two days longer than we discussed, without running the days by me first, as we discussed--I know she did it on purpose to get the extra time with us. It's so pitiful and I feel sorry for her, I know she does her best, but I'm all used up trying to maintain my own life, and am exhausted by her. </p> <p>Does anyone else feel similarly taxed, even if for different reasons? I guess I'm equally looking for commiseration and advice. I'm so jealous of people whose parents are just straightforward people. </p>