https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 17 Apr 2026 15:40:24 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wah-spouse-expectations-and-boundaries#post-2270392 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 13:01:57 +0000 Applesandbananas 2270392@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hang in there @3gems1fish!</p> <p>We struggle with household balance sometimes and I try to streamline where I can. I buy paper plates and plastic cups to cut down on dishes, I buy easy to prepare meals for at least a couple of nights (we try to eat healthfully but some nights, having a quick option is a lifesaver). Little things like that add up and help me juggle things better! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wah-spouse-expectations-and-boundaries#post-2270387 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 12:43:35 +0000 3gems1fish 2270387@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jetsa: Thank you for checking in. Better-ish for now. I expressed my frustrations and his first reaction was that if I didn't feel like I had enough time we should hire a nanny. I let him know in no uncertain terms that this solution made zero financial sense, didn't actually solve the problem, and made me further believe that he didn't want to ever be a parent in the first place.<br /> Dinner is still a huge issue. On a few days he ate at the same time as us, but not the same food, and not at the table. He ate standing up at the counter, pacing, back and forth between there and the living room, while he ate.<br /> I asked him how he could be more available at night and he said he couldn't predict it since two of his big clients are on the west coast and on west coast time, (he does web content, digital media marketing, and social media for several businesses). We are on the east coast, so our evening time is still solidly their business day. One of the clients is also in the gaming industry so those hours run even later. This is frustrating and I really don't know how to fix it.<br /> On waking up, he has gotten up earlier but still will not let me sleep in while he gets up with our daughter. Because it is "hard" and "you're better at getting up than I am." While this is true, it still doesn't make it right.<br /> A work in progress. We'll see what happens with a new school year approaching. And again, thank you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wah-spouse-expectations-and-boundaries#post-2270373 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 12:24:54 +0000 jetsa 2270373@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@3gems1fish: how's it going? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wah-spouse-expectations-and-boundaries#post-2265632 Mon, 17 Aug 2015 23:27:11 +0000 gingerbebe 2265632@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@3gems1fish: Hugs lady. I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. I also wanted to add that the basement renovation needs to come second to his family responsibilities and he needs to hire a helper or contract some of the work out if its preventing him from pulling his weight around the house. The renovations need to come AFTER he lets you sleep in and does some kind of family activity with you and LO. If he can't spare those 4-5 hours on the weekend, he needs to reprioritize and reschedule things to make it work! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wah-spouse-expectations-and-boundaries#post-2265582 Mon, 17 Aug 2015 20:55:33 +0000 3gems1fish 2265582@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: Yes - what you've said, that is what I want! Especially the part about interacting with both parents at the same time - my husband is of the opinion that if one of us is with her (usually me), the other one doesn't need to be. Thank you for this! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wah-spouse-expectations-and-boundaries#post-2265427 Mon, 17 Aug 2015 18:12:21 +0000 Bao 2265427@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband also has a recording studio here at home and before when there was no "schedule" it was not good for us. We had to set a schedule so that things were fair on both ends. Maybe that's something he's going to have to do to be more productive and help you stay sane. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wah-spouse-expectations-and-boundaries#post-2265417 Mon, 17 Aug 2015 17:49:21 +0000 ms.line 2265417@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: Bam, yes, this! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wah-spouse-expectations-and-boundaries#post-2265300 Mon, 17 Aug 2015 15:37:59 +0000 LuLu Mom 2265300@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with PP where parenting needs to be 50/50. It sounds to me like your husband is relying on you to do 100% of the childcare while you work a fulltime job as well, I don't know how you handle that. He needs to try to set more of a 'set" schedule. I understand occasionally where he might hve to work late for a deadline, but he needs to have tasks. he should eat dinner as a family and help out with bedtime. He should nto be eating lunch at 4&gt;30 knowing you will be eating dinner ina couple hours, that's strange to me. </p> <p>Weekends...wake his butt up! :) He needs to get up and help, that's your family time together, he's a parent, there should be no sleeping until 10 anymore unless sick in my opinion. I think for your sanity you need to lay down the law. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wah-spouse-expectations-and-boundaries#post-2265292 Mon, 17 Aug 2015 15:27:31 +0000 gingerbebe 2265292@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>While I have no idea what your husband does (which would really affect how his daily schedule works), my husband works from home most of the time and he's definitely in the mix at home. Here's how we co-labor with the kiddo:</p> <p>1. We all get up in the morning at the same time - 730am. Seven days a week. DH gets DS in the morning, changes his diaper, and sets him up in his high chair while I make DS' breakfast and formula. </p> <p>2. DH gives DS his bath every night at 630pm unless he's trapped in traffic or something. </p> <p>3. They have one activity they do together every day. For DH, he prefers to take DS for a stroller walk and swing at the park. Whatever it is, they leave me alone for a minute to decompress.</p> <p>4. DS has set household chores he's in charge of. Dishes, emptying the diaper genie, and taking out the garbage. He also does most of the laundry since he's around to throw a load in.</p> <p>Frankly, I think not having time for your family defeats the purpose of having your own business. I would definitely tell him to wake up with your LO on the weekends at least one day and give him certain household tasks that he can be in charge of. I think if he takes a nap in the afternoon and gets behind on his work, that's on him. Meaning, he needs to do it later at night once your kid is asleep. My husband routinely is working in his office until 11pm at night but that's because he handles all the family stuff first. As for food, while I don't have a husband who complains about what I cook, if he was a picky eater I would still expect him to sit with us while we ate our dinner. He can sit there and have a glass of water for all I care, but he should spend time with you guys as a family and your child should interact with both parents together for at least part of the day. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wah-spouse-expectations-and-boundaries#post-2265263 Mon, 17 Aug 2015 14:54:52 +0000 3gems1fish 2265263@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: That's a good idea to camp out elsewhere when there's confirmed pending snow. Thanks for that suggestion! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wah-spouse-expectations-and-boundaries#post-2265245 Mon, 17 Aug 2015 14:39:25 +0000 looch 2265245@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The only thing I can opine on is the snow days, when school is closed, it's impossible to work from home with my son there. One of us has to take the day off and it's super stressful to try to keep my son away from whoever is working as our desk spaces are in our common playroom. So I get where he's coming from on that one.</p> <p>Our solution is dependent on the roads. If they're forecasting really intense snow overnight, we'll head to my parent's house the night before and we stay there. They're in town though and are our primary care (outside of a few hours a day of preschool). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wah-spouse-expectations-and-boundaries#post-2265244 Mon, 17 Aug 2015 14:37:03 +0000 3gems1fish 2265244@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: You hit the nail on the head - "explicitly ask for it." That's so not my personality, since I tend to read people pretty well and expect (unreasonably) others to do the same. Thanks for the reminder that I need to spell it out :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wah-spouse-expectations-and-boundaries#post-2265239 Mon, 17 Aug 2015 14:33:15 +0000 Truth Bombs 2265239@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So the weekend sleep in thing would be my first major sticking point. That has absolutely nothing to do with work status, that's just straight up lazy and selfish. Sounds like your husband thinks parenting is your job and he can just jump in when he feels like it, without having any actual responsibility. I would have a serious talk with him about being a team when it comes to raising your child. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wah-spouse-expectations-and-boundaries#post-2265237 Mon, 17 Aug 2015 14:28:02 +0000 3gems1fish 2265237@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jetsa: Thanks for the reply. He is a very picky eater and most of the stuff I make is "too healthy." He used to cook, but then he determined he couldn't "be expected to work all day and cook dinner." Yes - I see the problem with that statement too, :wink: . Making a list is a great suggestion - he is very, very task/goal oriented and I think if there was such a thing as a grown up sticker chart, he'd like it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wah-spouse-expectations-and-boundaries#post-2265236 Mon, 17 Aug 2015 14:28:00 +0000 Bluebonnet 2265236@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@3gems1fish: I agree with @jetsa: Parenting should be a team job.</p> <p>I think you need to talk to him about how you are running ragged because he isn't parenting and you're picking up all the slack. Unless he has specific meetings or phone calls after 4:30, he should have the flexibility to set work aside for a few hours to spend time with you and LO (and help with dinner, bedtime, bath, etc).</p> <p>He also should be expected to clean up after himself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wah-spouse-expectations-and-boundaries#post-2265230 Mon, 17 Aug 2015 14:25:18 +0000 blackbird 2265230@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Well, first of all, he needs to clean up after himself. Can he establish set hours? If not, he needs to be respectful of the fact that you are picking up after him. He's not a 3 year old. And if he has time for a nap, he has time to help out. A short nap, sometimes, is one thing, but if it's a frequent thing, then something needs to change. It sounds like you do everything. Working at home, to me, is still "working" and he should treat it as such. </p> <p>I think a honey-do list and switching sleep-in days is a good start! Whenever I need stuff done around the house, I very explicitly ask for it. "Please take the trash out. Can you boil me a pot of water", etc etc. I have no problem delegating, and you're on an unsustainable path!</p> <p>Not having dinner with us every evening, when he's downstairs, would not fly with me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wah-spouse-expectations-and-boundaries#post-2265214 Mon, 17 Aug 2015 14:13:45 +0000 jetsa 2265214@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First of all you are more patient than me for putting up with it this long. My husband works from home and though he does the lunch thing, we still make an effort to eat together every evening. Why doesn't he eat with you and your daughter? I'd also make a very detailed list of things he needs to start helping with so that he can't say he didn't know you needed help. On the weekends, I would switch off days on who gets up with your daughter. There's no reason he cannot help and get out of bed before 9-10 fixing multiple problems. I am so sorry this just sounds exhausting, parenting should be a team job and it sounds like most of it is left to you which is not fair. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wah-spouse-expectations-and-boundaries#post-2265210 Mon, 17 Aug 2015 14:07:34 +0000 3gems1fish 2265210@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband runs his business from our home. He has a designated office on our main living level, and is working to renovate our basement so he can have a larger office/man cave/recording studio. I work full time out of our home, and when I come home with our toddler at around 4:30 p.m., he's usually still in full work mode. If he's not downstairs working on his renovations, his "office" has become the entire house, with the debris of whatever he's consumed or worked on that day still all over the kitchen and living room. Or he just ate "lunch" at 4:30 p.m. Or he's passed out on the couch with his computer in his lap, and since he's had a mid-day nap, he's now two-three hours behind in his schedule.<br /> Any of these situations leave me to be the primary dinner chef (he doesn't eat with us unless we order take out or bring take out home), toddler-entertainer, clean up crew, bath time and bed time director. Then when I'm done with that...he's just made himself dinner and the kitchen is a mess...again. Weekends are no better - he sleeps in until about 9/10 (me and DD are up between 6-7 a.m.) and this throws the schedule off even more. He also usually has work to do on weekends too.<br /> I really respect that he has created and is running a successful business all by himself. He is a loving husband and a good father. But this schedule is running me ragged and making me resentful. My job has a very strict schedule, it starts at 7:25 a.m. and is contractually done at 2:55 p.m., but all teachers know "done" is a relative term for educators. I also often need to bring work home, I know it's a lost cause since I'll be "working" at home until 9 or 10 p.m. We've tried setting up schedules, but he can't seem to stick to them because some days his job is non-stop and other days he has time to go out golfing for a few hours. And forget about any days my DD and I might be home due to holidays or snow days - my husband feels like he can't work. Any suggestions on how to better align our lifestyles? </p>