https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 04 May 2026 21:00:34 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents/page/2#post-1996248 Tue, 23 Dec 2014 16:14:40 +0000 fairy 1996248@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mom also buys my LO lots of gifts for Christmas, but doesn't go crazy with gifts the rest of the year. Since I know that she will get lots of gifts from grandma, I don't get her as much. Hopefully she doesn't assume I don't love her as much just because I only got her 5 gifts and grandma gave her a pile. I really doubt it. Love is so much deeper than material gifts for me.</p> <p>I would be pretty frustrated, not worrying that she would undermine your morals, but because she is disregarding your requests time and time again. It just seems disrespectful. But I wouldn't worry about your daughter becoming materialistic over it since you are with her the rest of the year to counteract that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1996199 Tue, 23 Dec 2014 15:49:26 +0000 aegie 1996199@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>you say, "if my DH's experience as a kid is any indication" .... so I'm going to assume your MIL spoiled, for a lack of better word, your DH during christmas and birthdays. But he turned out fine, right? Yes, kids will say, I LOVE GRANDMA's gifts! and they'll look forward to it. But, that's christmas and birthdays. And yes, they may overshadow your gifts, but it's not about having the better gift. I think if you're teaching your kid the meaning of christmas and how unique they are on their birthdays, then your kid will turn out just fine. She may love Grannie's gifts, but that's okay because she's family and she'll be the one everyone knows is the "over buyer" of the family. A tradition of some sorts. Continue to donate toys on their birthdays that they've lovingly played with. Do operation christmas child and teach your kid the meaning of sharing and generosity. It will combat the crazy me me me, gift gift gift galore attitude. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1994673 Mon, 22 Dec 2014 16:02:28 +0000 Starbright 1994673@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I completely agree with Mrs. Lion's posts. This is a big boundary issue. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1994181 Mon, 22 Dec 2014 10:14:53 +0000 mediagirl 1994181@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: what you said really resonated with me because I am the same way. @Skadi: I think asking the grandparents to stop giving gifts could really hurt them. I know it would hurt me if someone told me to stop buying things for my kids/grandkids. That's how I show/accept love. I do find her throwing away receipts and tags a bit strange, though. At least my family leaves the tags on/finds receipts when we want/need to return or exchange something... If that happened with us, we may turn it into something positive like saving it for next year and then gifting it to a needy family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1994105 Mon, 22 Dec 2014 09:15:56 +0000 looch 1994105@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is there any way that your MIL would be open to instead putting the money into a 529 or savings account for your child? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1993457 Sun, 21 Dec 2014 11:33:08 +0000 AmandaB8 1993457@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mom used to have this problem with my grandparents - they fought like crazy. But, both of my grandparents died suddenly before I was 10. My mom says it was her biggest regret that she just didn't let them enjoy time with us. There was never a holiday without a fight, and all I really remember is the fighting, mom complaining about them, and the toys I loved but felt guilty playing with. </p> <p>My other grandparents compromised with my mom - $100 worth of gifts, and anything else would be put into savings bonds for college. It saved me so much money! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1993126 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 21:10:02 +0000 youboots 1993126@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is your husband able to help you enforce any of this? Sometimes M and I have to be the bad guy with our own famlies. Like I will have difficult conversations with my parents, and he will tackle issues with his Mom.</p> <p>I expect to deal with the same kind of problem next year. My MIL is an excessive gift giver, and I don't want my child to want to see her because she gives presents every time (my SIL mentioned it with her 18 month old) I want them to see her because they love and adore her. But as @torchwood said, her love language is gifts and I truly believe her intentions are good, but I get overwhelmed. As a child I only got a few gifts at Christmas (and now), and when M and I got together the amount of gifts and thoughtless excess was upsetting to me. So I feel you. Even though our child will Have all their needs met, I want to limit their possessions and live a life rich in experiences. </p> <p>I always vote to be strict up front, you can always loosen up later. If that does not work this year, I think you have until your kid is 3/4 to figure it out.</p> <p>Good luck. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1993073 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 19:34:17 +0000 Dandelion 1993073@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My MIL is like this and drives me crazy! "I cant help it, I'm a grandma," is what she says and makes me want to scream.</p> <p>Luckily, DH is on board so he helps keep her in check. But, she's generally unstoppable. D knows she's ridiculous and he's only 7 lol. Your kid will see it, too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1993013 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 16:56:40 +0000 Mrs. Jump Rope 1993013@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@littlejoy: I think to an extent, at some point, they do. </p> <p>My nana is the crazy gift giver. As I got older, I knew to expect she'd get us things my parents never would. She bought me a tv one year and a phone another. I remember my parents fighting because I wasn't allowed a tv or a phone in my room, which she knew, and the gifts were returned. </p> <p>I wholeheartedly agree with @Mrs. Lion: that it's a respect issue. My nana didn't respect my parents rules. I may not have understood at three but I sure when at 8, and I definitely did at 15. My parents taught me to be grateful and understanding, and the true value of Christmas but dammit, I wanted that TV and sure as hell pitched a fit when I wasn't allowed to have it. </p> <p>@Skadi: based on my experience, I've learned that you can't dictate what other people do with their money. You smile, you say thank you, and then you do what you please with the gift. It's complete BS that the gift giver won't respect your parenting wishes, but you still have the final say in what happens to those gifts until your kid is 18. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992994 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 16:33:59 +0000 Torchwood 1992994@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This isn't an answer to your issue (and it sounds amazingly frusrating), but I wanted to throw out one thing. My love language is gifts, so that need/want/wear/read thing horrifies me. If my parents had done it, I would have honestly thought it meant they didn't love me as much. Not because of the quantity involved, but because they would have been following a formula instead of putting real thought into it. In your situation, I would have wound up feeling like my grandparents must love me more. If your kids aren't like me, it won't be an issue, but just remember to learn your kids' personalities as they get older. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992965 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 15:18:23 +0000 cait 1992965@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@photojane: I agree that one day a year won't spoil a child, but based on the comment about how her MIL would jump at the chance to call her an evil DIL, I think there's more motivating this behavior than love of a grandchild. Unfortunately, some people do use money as a manipulation tactic. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992940 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 14:20:53 +0000 littlejoy 1992940@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think children have the capacity to analyze the whole thing like you've suggested. I think Christmas is magical for kids, and honestly, I doubt kids remember where most gifts come from. </p> <p>To your questions: I would hide certain gifts and bring out during the year. Too many gifts at once can be over stimulating (IMO). </p> <p>Like others suggested, I would donate some. And, if MIL said anything, I would respond by telling her that we asked for less gifts, but thankfully, a child who doesn't otherwise have toys, can. </p> <p>If she insists on buying things, I would have a very honest conversation ... Tell her that you would value a membership to your local zoo, or children's museum. If it's the money she wants to spend, that would be an awesome gift that your whole family could enjoy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992892 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 13:01:23 +0000 Greentea 1992892@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lion: very good and valid points. I think it really depends on who we are dealing with here and their motivations. I know members of my family, for instance, would jump at a chance to disrespect me or undermine me or put LO in the middle. People are on a spectrum and not everyone has good motivations, sadly.</p> <p>I know that for instance, we accept no presents from my mother of any kind. It might be difficult for people to believe, but in my mother's case it is a tool she uses to manipulate people. I would rather refuse her package at the post. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992870 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 12:13:46 +0000 Mrs. Lion 1992870@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@photojane: I disagree. In a healthy relationship a grandparent will respect the wishes of the parents....to blatantly disregard that would imply a different motivation, and I don't think it is fair to imply that the op does not also wish to encourage her child to graciously accept gifts. I think the two are completely separate issues. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992861 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 12:02:33 +0000 Maysprout 1992861@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think gifts win over a child. I've barely gotten my kids anything because they're the only grandkids/nieces on both sides but they still love us dearly. </p> <p>I did have it out with my mom once we moved though. She means well but with unpacking and my husband working a gagillion hours so not having time to help much to unpack it was adding lots of stress that everytime she visited she'd bring things that were dangerous for my baby but fine for my 3 year old, things that I had no where to put and just repeats of things we had. She would go to yard sales and get a gagillion shirts for a couple dollars. I would feel guilt giving them away because she'd remember and ask about outfits and items and then tell me how she'd show'd LO and she'd loved it so much and it was mean that I couldn't find room for something LO loved. UGH.<br /> So one time she wanted to visit and I just said I can't, I'm too stressed and it only adds more stressed, the kids need space on the floor to play and I don't have room after you visit to figure out what stays and what goes and you yell at me if I give anything away. She cried, it was terrible and she told my sisters I wasn't dealing with stress well and so mean but she did stop bringing as much stuff when she visited and for the most part gotten over me being mean. We also leave a lot at their house and sometimes switch around toys when we visit and she's stopped trying to just bring everything that I leave behind with her when she comes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992840 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 11:32:11 +0000 photojane 1992840@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lion: my point is that she's buying the presents because she loves her grandchild. There are so many worse things than getting presents. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992836 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 11:22:32 +0000 Mrs. Lion 1992836@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@photojane: I see your point, but when a grandparent knowingly and blatantly disregards the wishes of the parent it is no longer being done in goodwill. It is disrespectful and bleeds into all areas of the relationship, not just the one day a year. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992800 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 10:25:22 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 1992800@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your child will know and understand the difference, because she'll internalize your priorities. You can volunteer during the holidays when she gets older and you'll be able to explain your feelings in presents. One person won't be able to undo the family ethos. She'll know that this particular grandma is an outlier without you having to directly say it. My girls understand so much that I'm always surprised (and I have a birth family that buys presents for one kid and not another-- so trust me, we navigate some pretty tricky stuff!). They really do get it, so don't fret too much! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992791 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 10:19:28 +0000 JerricaBenton 1992791@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@photojane: good advice! I need to remember this when opening mil's gifts to LO! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992790 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 10:18:21 +0000 photojane 1992790@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Little Misters Mom: This is what I was going to say. You parent your child 364 days... if your child is ungrateful/entitled/greedy/whatever it's not because of your MIL's Christmas. </p> <p>I think there is a lot of merit in teaching your child to accept gifts graciously. As a rule, I try not to complain when someone is doing something for me in good will. My advice would be to accept her gifts and be grateful. If you choose to hide, donate, re-gift, that's your prerogative. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992789 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 10:18:01 +0000 JerricaBenton 1992789@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I love @hummusgirl: suggestion because it'll be something LO and the grandparents will really enjoy!</p> <p>One thing I wanted to add was that maybe it will get a little better as LO gets older. Little kid's toys are much less expensive than big kids toys! If you have some disposable income it's too easy to pick up a few things every time you're out. Once lo's wishlist includes bikes and video games and electronics maybe they'll get one or two bigger things and cut back on the rest of the stuff. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992783 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 10:00:27 +0000 catlady 1992783@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have this problem with SIL and also my dad (my mom passed away and my dad thinks he needs to give LO "as much as Grandma would have" so he goes way overboard). LO is only 14 months so she has no idea what's going on yet but for now, we basically don't buy her much at all and I try to ask my dad to buy the big stuff that we would have bought anyway. This year I wanted to get LO a play kitchen but it will end up coming from Grandpa. It doesn't bug me too much because she gets the same gift I picked out for her and DH and I save money.</p> <p>I already told my dad we will start donating toys if he gets her too many. SIL tends to go overboard on clothes (LO got something like 20 outfits from her for Christmas last year) so I'm pretty ruthless about donating those too. When LO is older, I will have her help me choose things to donate periodically.</p> <p>I think my plan for when LO gets older is to start our own family traditions that have nothing to do with presents (like making cookies together, going to special holiday concerts, etc). My family had lots of things we used to do every Christmas Eve and Christmas, and I remember those traditions way more than any physical gift. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992749 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 09:29:24 +0000 Little Misters Mom 1992749@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree this is more of a boundary issue that a Christmas one. As someone with a very similar mother, for me, it isn't battle worth fighting. I think kids who are raised by parents who model generosity, charity, and restraint 364 days a year, aren't corrupted by a one day Christmas bonanza.</p> <p>I do really like the idea of having LO donate some toys to charity. I think there is a way to make it really exciting a meaningful for a kid -- maybe picking a specific family through a Letters to Santa program, so LO can think about what those kids might like and having the fun of wrapping it again, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992742 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 09:20:44 +0000 Greentea 1992742@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have not idea what I would do. But, honestly I don't think my LO would care that much. I think she'd be like, huh, stuff to play with here for the morning... like going to the doctor's office :)</p> <p>I would focus on your own traditions and values at home. What about starting traditions with LO that don't involve presents? Sledding, volunteering with elderly, baking cookies and taking them to friends, things that could be really fun to do together that have nothing to do with gifts, so your LO looks forward to that time together, 'cuz that's what kids REALLY love. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992741 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 09:19:24 +0000 Tanjowen 1992741@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Skadi: Is there any way to direct her towards memberships for your LO? Like annual memberships to the zoo, aquarium, etc.? Those are generally pretty pricey and if it's a dollar amount she has set in her head, it might satisfy her gift giving quota and then you don't have tons of stuff in your house. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992725 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 08:58:07 +0000 hummusgirl 1992725@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>She's too young for it now, but in a few years maybe you could encourage an elaborate, expensive holiday outing and then just a couple gifts - high tea at a fancy restaurant followed by seeing the Nutcracker or something. Maybe a fancy dress for her to wear on their "date." My husband's grandmother paid for him to go to summer camp and do a cool week-long program at Stanford when he was in middle school. He really appreciated her generosity but it didn't take away from his immediate family. </p> <p>But for now, ya I think resistance is futile. :-) and agreed with above that LO will see right through it anyway. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992719 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 08:38:49 +0000 blackbird 1992719@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catomd00: this and this @Cole: my mom is the same way and E ends up playing with one or two things and I just take the rest downstairs because she's not interested. And she's outgrown so much of it, that it then is wholly justified to donate. My mom won't listen to our requests (numerous boundary issues) and ignores our college fund, so I just do what I want. If she wants to spend gloms of money on E, it's her business. I can't control it, and I'm not attempting to. But its also my business to filter out what E will actually play with and keep my house from being inundated with stuff. I leave it out, what she plays with, I keep. What she doesn't, I dont. It frustrates me but my mother has so many mental issues going on....being rational and reasonable with her doesn't work. </p> <p>At least she tries, is how I see it (E has a grandfather who has next to zero interest in her, so I have that perspective). Even if her "way" isn't my way. And if she wants to blast me for my actions? Oh well. I do what is right for my family, period. Don't look at it like competing with family, never ends well. Just do your thing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992712 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 08:19:40 +0000 catomd00 1992712@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mom is in the buying things for her grand children's affection club. It really has had no negative effect on my 5 year old nephew and he can see right through it as much as a child that young is able to. So I woulnt worry too much (you can't control what someone else buys right?!) just focus on teaching your child the valuable lessons you want her to learn and she will get it when she's old enough to understand.</p> <p>I would also make her leave them at her house! Maybe tell LO the can choose 2 or 3 gifts to take home. Maybe as her house fills up with rarely use toys she will stop buying!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992709 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 08:16:40 +0000 Cole 1992709@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think that one piece of good news is that too many presents is overwhelming to kids and they are really likely to latch on to one or two and ignore the rest after they are opened. </p> <p>I wonder if you could leverage her generosity and encourage her to buy nicer versions of fewer things instead of lots of things- like the Schoenhut piano instead of a whole set of cheap instruments or a really nice wooden kitchen. You could maybe phrase it that they are things you would love to have for your little one but can't perhaps buy yourselves. Maybe the exclusiveness of being the only person who can give your lo this amazing gift will help? At least that way you have less things and the ones you have are beautiful and have a high resale value. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/we-cant-compete-with-the-grandparents#post-1992705 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 08:13:27 +0000 Applesandbananas 1992705@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Our families go crazy overboard too. A lot of the excess comes from their desire to shower lo with love from afar. Giving him tons of toys is the way they choose to show their love and even though that may not be my preference and I might get frustrated by the sheer volume, I just try to remember that's how they deal with not seeing LO much (all our family is nonlocal and some see LO less than once a year). </p>