https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 17 Oct 2026 19:06:23 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203731 Wed, 10 Jun 2015 08:44:55 +0000 Anagram 2203731@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think my opinion varies on this, and it depends on the situation with each family growing up. My husband and I, for instance, had polar opposite experiences with our parents and money growing up.</p> <p>DH grew up in a very unstable country where a civil war was raging for more than 20 years. His parents escaped the war zone and left everything behind when DH was 10 to protect him from child conscription and started all over with absolutely nothing other than the clothes on their backs. Then they did it all again less than 10 years later when they got a chance to immigrate to the US--and somehow, they managed with their lower-level jobs to scrape enough together to help put my DH through college here in the US (Dh worked while in college and contributed, too). Same for their daughter. They have always lived beyond frugally to do this--they hardly spend anything on themselves, ever. My husband now makes 3x what they made in their top year--and yet my inlaws will want to buy our LO gifts or will go shopping and buy food for us when they are here.</p> <p>Obviously in this scenario, my DH feels like he owes them everything and would not hesitate to give them his whole savings if they needed it. But they wouldn't *ask* for it, ever--unless something dire happened. And I would totally support him in helping his parents financially in any way he wanted to--I also feel he owes it to them.</p> <p>My parents were different---they were very much "pull yourself up from your bootstraps" kind of people. I started working at 16 and never stopped. I took out loans and worked and put myself through undergrad and grad school. They did help with small things, like car insurance and cell phone bill, but I moved out when I was 18 and never moved back home.</p> <p>My dad has passed but left my mom in a pretty good place financially---so, although I would be happy to help out with my mom when she's older, I feel less obligated to pay for a ton of stuff for her now. I buy gifts that I think she will appreciate, and sometimes it's cheap little things. We only pay for her flights to visit us if we've asked her to come for some reason, not if she decides to visit on her own. But to be clear--I *love* my mom. And if she ever needed to in her older age, I would let her come live with us. DH feels the same about his parents.</p> <p>So, different situations, different results. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203728 Wed, 10 Jun 2015 08:37:55 +0000 ChelseaRose 2203728@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think part of what the difference is, and it seems like this from @aprild's post, is that the 50 year old parents are still in a much better financial situation than the 20-something adult children. In my own family, my parents and in-laws have much much more money than we do and that's not something that is likely to change. We are not financially struggling, but are by no means well off (and we all live in a high cost of living area). My parents did a lot to help their own parents when they were old or unwell, such as my maternal grandmother living with us for the last couple years of her life or my mom managing all of my paternal grandmother's affairs, etc. I do fully intend to help my parents when they need it too, but they don't need my financial help nor would they want it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203714 Wed, 10 Jun 2015 08:31:04 +0000 mrsjyw 2203714@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think what's weird for me is your FIL's expectation.</p> <p>My brother and I've taken care of our parents financially for the last several years, we're happy to do so and we feel blessed that we are able to do so in addition to raising our own families. With that said, my parents feel so, so bad a lot of the time having to rely on us. They both help out and work to the best of their ability and still they feel like failures for having to rely on us. My parents never expected to be in the position they're in and they certainly never expected "repayment" for raising us with an upper middle class upbringing. My brother and I definitely feel like we owe them and would do anything we can to help support them; but I don't know how things would be if it was a demanded expectation on our parents' part. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203647 Wed, 10 Jun 2015 07:28:45 +0000 cat620 2203647@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Modern Daisy: I think it's a great thing to help out parents who need the help and if you are in a good position to do so! However, my in-laws are young, in good health, and are still working full time. They don't have any major expenses and have money to travel and eat out as they please. My FIL is just very frugal and thinks his kids should be treating him, even though they are all in their 20s and are just starting out. His son who lives several hours away spent over $1,000 in traveling expenses to come home for Christmas, plus he used up all his vacation days for the year so he could stay for over a week. My FIL didn't offer to help pay for any of that, even though the son is only 22 and just started his new job that year. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203642 Wed, 10 Jun 2015 07:23:41 +0000 looch 2203642@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I honestly don't think this is such an off the wall or unusual mindset. Yes, you choose to have children but being a family is a life long committment. It changes over time, expands, contracts and needs change. The way I look at it is that my parents provided for me and I provide for my son, but right now, I am in the postion to "decorate my parent's lives" so I do it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203636 Wed, 10 Jun 2015 07:19:24 +0000 cat620 2203636@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SugarplumsMom: Yes, that's one thing about my FIL - he is very direct and honest. I never have to guess how he feels about something. He's not that old either - only in his early 50s! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203634 Wed, 10 Jun 2015 07:18:47 +0000 Modern Daisy 2203634@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We pay to fly DH's parents out to visit us and are going to help his Dad out with medical bills so he can retire. We do this because we can and I am absolutely thrilled to be in a position financially. I cant think of any better use for our money. When we were living in nyc and totally broke his parents showered us with presents and helped us out so much. They are so giving and selfless. This all feels so right! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203628 Wed, 10 Jun 2015 07:12:37 +0000 SugarplumsMom 2203628@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh wow. Is he usually this honest? My take on this level of honestly is either he's drunk or he's old. I find that the older one gets, the more opinionated they are (or more freely share their opinion). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203627 Wed, 10 Jun 2015 07:11:45 +0000 daniellemybelle 2203627@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think it should be expected, and I know it is definitely not in my family, but I would like to be able to treat my parents more one day. I try to in small ways but it is still a drop in the bucket compared to all that they have done and continue to do for us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203624 Wed, 10 Jun 2015 07:07:55 +0000 cat620 2203624@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Orchid: I also think children should help care for their parents, but I think this should start when the parents are old and can no longer care for themselves. My FIL is in his early 50s, still works full time, and is in great health! I don't think he needs to be taken care of right now. His kids are all in their 20s and are trying to save up to buy houses, cars and all the things 20 somethings struggle to buy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203621 Wed, 10 Jun 2015 07:04:49 +0000 Mamaof2 2203621@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@aprild: sounds like my MIL - she told us that she too care of her kids for 18 years and now it their turn to take care of her.</p> <p>I disagree.</p> <p>I think what bugs me the most is she just planned poorly for her future - she works PT and has zero money in savings or retirement. She is constantly asking for money from her 4 kids. drives me batty </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203594 Wed, 10 Jun 2015 06:06:10 +0000 Orchid 2203594@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't find it odd. As parents age, I think it's the responsibility if their kids to care for them. But then again I'm from a very family oriented culture that respects and honors parents. Parents HAVE done so much and I don't find it unusual to expect your kids to care for you later in their life. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203535 Tue, 09 Jun 2015 23:35:17 +0000 aderyn 2203535@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@aprild: The thought I think when reading this is he sounds like he has a very Eastern mindset. My father in law is Anglo-Indian and he has a similar mindset. I think it has to do with the fact they raised their kids for however many years, gave them their all, and it's just respectful for the child to give back something. I don't think it's an insult, or degrading to the child, rather just expecting respect in return for what was given for so many years. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203534 Tue, 09 Jun 2015 23:32:21 +0000 Meow 2203534@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <br /><p><i>This comment has been deleted by the original poster.</i></p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203505 Tue, 09 Jun 2015 21:58:13 +0000 Mamasig 2203505@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't feel this way but I don't find it too odd. In the Latin culture, I see similar attitudes often. I know my mom feels like we should take care of her because that's what children should do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203503 Tue, 09 Jun 2015 21:55:10 +0000 Greentea 2203503@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't see his approach as malicious, from what I can tell. I didn't see it as "kids owe me" mentality. Maybe he wants to see them more and is sad he has to dish out $$$ on plane tickets. Maybe he wishes they were closer and views independence as being an equal where the child can treat the adult to a meal or purchase tickets- that for him financial independence in his kids would mean they do these things he does for/ in regard to them. I'm not saying I feel that way, but maybe that is his point of view. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203494 Tue, 09 Jun 2015 21:41:42 +0000 cat620 2203494@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ChelseaRose: I don't think it's a cultural issue, since we are all of the same culture and it's not common in any family I know. He has said that he feels like he invested a lot of time and money into his kids when they were growing up, and he would like to see some of that returned to him. He just honestly thinks kids should start treating their parents and paying for stuff even when they are in their 20s. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203489 Tue, 09 Jun 2015 21:32:56 +0000 ChelseaRose 2203489@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Are there cultural issues involved in his statements? He had very unexpected entitlement issues. Would he be happier with adult children living at home so that they can buy him gifts and take him out for meals? With my parents and in-laws they usually pay when we go out for dinner and even if we try to treat them they don't always let us. If we are traveling with them they usually offer to pay for part of the trip (like renting a vacation house for us all to stay in) and would not even hear of it being the other way away. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203486 Tue, 09 Jun 2015 21:23:33 +0000 MoonMoon 2203486@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That's a little sad, although I don't know the whole story. I'm in my late thirties but even though we happily treat our parents when we go out to eat, for example, they always expect to treat us. We don't always let them, but it's nice to feel babied or taken care of in that way. I'd be hurt if my parents said what your FIL did. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203470 Tue, 09 Jun 2015 20:58:18 +0000 wonderstruck 2203470@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's awful when people act like their kids 'owe them' for raising them. You are obligated to do that when you choose to have kids, not the other way around. I don't buy nice things for my kids because I hope they'll buy me expensive gifts or pay my bills when I'm old! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203469 Tue, 09 Jun 2015 20:57:25 +0000 mrbee 2203469@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@aprild: Yah it's definitely an unusual perspective. Not used to parenting being such a quid pro quo!</p> <p>All that said, I guess now you guys know his love language and can take him out for meals? Haha, everything tastes better when it's free!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203462 Tue, 09 Jun 2015 20:50:09 +0000 cat620 2203462@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: Yeah, I think he was a good parent for the most part. I agree that's what is important, but like you, I find his current ideas a little unusual. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203458 Tue, 09 Jun 2015 20:46:18 +0000 mrbee 2203458@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@aprild: I agree that it's unusual, but people can have such different approaches to money. It never ceases to boggle my mind!</p> <p>Was your FIL a good parent when your SO was young? That's worth so much in my book. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-can-the-child-do-for-the-parent#post-2203448 Tue, 09 Jun 2015 20:32:57 +0000 cat620 2203448@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is the mentality of my father in law. I recently had a conversation with him that I found odd. He told me about how a lot of his friends complain that their kids are still living at home in their 20s. They told my FIL how lucky he is that all his kids are living on their own and supporting themselves. My FIL replied that he sees no benefit personally from this. </p> <p>My FIL says his kids don't ask for money, but at the same time, they don't offer to pay for things or give him expensive gifts. For example, one son lives several hours away by plane. He complained that it was actually costing him money to visit his son. He also thinks his kids should pick up the tab when eating out or offer to bring food when visiting. He also said he would like for his kids to own a vacation house one day, so he could have someplace free to stay when traveling. This mentality is not something I'm used to with a parent/child relationship. What do you think? </p>