https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 30 Apr 2026 23:51:02 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-do-you-say-to-someone-after-mc#post-267790 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 13:49:30 +0000 mrskc 267790@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Modern Daisy: Ah I see. In that case, I think it would be nice to say something to her or like @Blackbird suggested, leave her a note or card on her desk. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-do-you-say-to-someone-after-mc#post-267778 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 13:31:05 +0000 blackbird 267778@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would leave a nice note on her desk. </p> <p>When people know (and you know they know) and they choose to ignore it...that is the absolute worst. I still have negative feelings towards DH's family for this. A nice note would've done wonders without the awkwardness of it being said verbally (which could also be upsetting to her) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-do-you-say-to-someone-after-mc#post-267765 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 13:16:33 +0000 MrsBrewer 267765@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Goldilocks1107: I think that's a great way to phrase it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-do-you-say-to-someone-after-mc#post-267730 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 12:43:23 +0000 Goldilocks1107 267730@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If she had announced her pregnancy at work. you should be fairly safe in using MamaMoose's suggestion.<br /> Otherwise, since she was out for so long, you could do something as simple as "I'm glad to see you back - let me know if there's anything I can do to help." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-do-you-say-to-someone-after-mc#post-267726 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 12:38:39 +0000 Modern Daisy 267726@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrskc: If I had heard about it earlier, I would have sent her a card in the mail. I think that is the most appropriate way to handle it. I'm guessing she asked her boss not to say anything at the time, but people know now because she's back from maternity leave without a baby you know? And she had actually announced her pregnancy although I never spoke to her about it since the last time I spoke to her was right before she announced it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-do-you-say-to-someone-after-mc#post-267723 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 12:34:57 +0000 Modern Daisy 267723@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MsLipGloss: That's a very good point as well. The thing is, I don't know if it was supposed to be kept confidential or not. And there's no way for me to find out. So in my case I would be taking a risk that I was consoling her for somethign I wasn't supposed to know about. And your point about being careful what I say to those who told me is totally valid. I work in a very large office, but there are no secrets. It's hard to explain, part of it is that no one ever leaves this company because it's so great to work here so everyone tends to be pretty close. And people here love to gossip. The girl who had the MC is actually one of the newest employees, she's only been here for about a year or so - which is one of the reasons I don't know her too well.</p> <p>I'm sure she realizes people know, you'd have to be pretty naive not to know that given our office environment, but whether or not she wanted people to know is a different story entirely. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-do-you-say-to-someone-after-mc#post-267677 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 11:57:10 +0000 MsLipGloss 267677@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ModernDaisy: As an aside, I would be also be very conscious of what information I shared with people who had disclosed someone else's confidential information to me . . . setting aside all of the work place technical violations (her medical information and personal leave are protected) that occured during the disclosure, it's always good to remember if they're sharing her story, they are likely sharing other people's stories, too.</p> <p>ETA: As my granny would say, *a dog that brings a bone will carry a bone* </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-do-you-say-to-someone-after-mc#post-267667 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 11:51:55 +0000 mrskc 267667@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MsLipGloss: Hmmm good point if others weren't supposed to know. </p> <p>I work in a small office of 15 people. So I told my boss what happened and news pretty much spread to everyone. He did later apologize for not keeping the matter private. But before I went back to work, I knew everyone knew because they sent me a card in the mail. So I did have people say sorry to me that never even knew I was pregnant in the first place. I wasn't too bothered by it. I was kind of glad everyone knew and I didn't have to tell them. But I guess if you aren't supposed to know and she doesn't think you know... it might be kind of awkward saying something to her. Tough call. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-do-you-say-to-someone-after-mc#post-267666 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 11:51:37 +0000 heffalump 267666@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If she didn't want people to know, I wouldn't say anything. I know when I miscarried I didn't want to talk about it to anyone, even people that I was close with, like my family, until I was ready. I did appreciate it when my good friends sent me cards or something like that, but it would have been awkward for me to get something from someone that I didn't want to know what had happened. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-do-you-say-to-someone-after-mc#post-267653 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 11:39:43 +0000 Lozza 267653@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MsLipGloss: I agree. After my MC, I appreciated it when coworkers that I was close (enough to have discussed the pregnancy with them) to said something like "hey, that sucks, I'm sorry," but I would NOT have wanted to talk about it with someone I hadn't chosen to tell about the pregnancy in the first place. I know it would have been meant well, but I'd have definitely felt like my privacy was violated if someone said something after just hearing it through the grapevine. I know my supervisor had to tell a few of the directors because I was missing time and had to revise some assignments, but I appreciated the fact that she worked with them on my schedule and I got to make the call of whether I wanted to talk to them about it or not (I didn't, and none of the directors ever brought it up, but I know it came into play later with my next pregnancy when they were really cool about being flexible with my schedule). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-do-you-say-to-someone-after-mc#post-267641 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 11:32:33 +0000 MsLipGloss 267641@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ModernDaisy: In that case, I wouldn't say anything at all. If I were your co-worker, and I had confided in someone/my boss, I would be furious if I knew they were sharing my personal story with others. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-do-you-say-to-someone-after-mc#post-267628 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 11:21:30 +0000 Modern Daisy 267628@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaMoose: THanks so much, that is really good advice. I like the point you made about not phrasing anythign as a question. Because in a way there's no point in asking - I know she's in mourning so asking would just stress her out.</p> <p>@peacockblue: I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I appreciate the insight too, that is very helpful.</p> <p>@mrskc: Sorry for your loss and thank you for the insight. It's really helpful to hear that you were hurt by the people who acted like nothing happened - I'm sorry they did that.</p> <p>@MsLipGloss: That's a good question. I actually heard the news from another coworker who is in her group. I'm assuming their boss told the person who told me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-do-you-say-to-someone-after-mc#post-267592 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 11:01:09 +0000 MsLipGloss 267592@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ModernDaisy: I am a little confused . . . if you didn't speak to her about the pregnancy, how did you know she miscarried? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-do-you-say-to-someone-after-mc#post-267587 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 10:56:37 +0000 mrskc 267587@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with Mamamoose as well. While I didn't have a stillborn, I did have a miscarriage. It felt nice when a coworker or friend or family member just said sorry to me. I felt like they were acknowledging my pain. I was very hurt by certain friends that said nothing at all and just acted like nothing happened. Just a simple, "I'm so sorry for you loss" is all that's needed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-do-you-say-to-someone-after-mc#post-267555 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 10:21:06 +0000 peacockblue 267555@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @MAMAMOOSE--definitely acknowledge it but don't phrase anything as a question. I gave birth to my twins stillborn last year--and knowing that I was supported by friends, family and co-workers was crucial in my recovery. I have heard the argument that people don't want to mention the loss for fear of upsetting the person in grief--but the truth is that the person is already in such pain, their recent loss is always top of mind--that having someone else validate their feelings and acknowledge that pain just for a moment is a very comforting feeling. I think she will really appreciate your words :). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-do-you-say-to-someone-after-mc#post-267451 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 08:38:19 +0000 MamaMoose 267451@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would acknowledge it by saying you're sorry for what she's going through, and to let you know if there is anything you can do for her, and then leave it at that. I would say don't phrase anything as a question that she needs to respond to ("How are you feeling?", etc) because sometimes it can be really hard to respond. If you just tell her you're sorry she can say thank you and move on if she doesn't want to discuss it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-do-you-say-to-someone-after-mc#post-267444 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 08:33:49 +0000 Modern Daisy 267444@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>One of my coworkers recently came back to work after giving birth prematurely to her baby who only lived for a few hours. She took 6 weeks maternity leave and is now back in the office.</p> <p>Since she was only in her second trimester, not many people actually knew she was pregnant and I had actually not even spoken to her about the pregnancy. We have different bosses and only see each other in passing and at industry events - although we sit a couple rows away from each other. I didn't know about what happened until after she came back, so I think she may have asked her boss to keep it quiet.</p> <p>I want some advice on what everyone thinks would be best for her at this point. Should I say something to her giving my condolences? Or should I just act totally normal like nothing happened? I can see the benefits to each because I think she might want to get back to normal as quickly as possible, but I also don't want to hurt her feelings by not giving condolences. </p>