https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 17 Apr 2026 06:38:40 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh/page/2#post-2827421 Sat, 09 Jun 2018 14:34:31 +0000 wrkbrk 2827421@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ChiCalGoBee: That I guess is the reason. She thinks it’s not sharp enough. She is very meticulous and particular about things (especially in the kitchen!) and I am ... not 😂🤷🏼‍♀️ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh/page/2#post-2827405 Sat, 09 Jun 2018 08:28:35 +0000 Mrs. Tiger 2827405@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: wow, thank you so much for this! Thats also us, 100%. I voted money but this different mindset is totally the real culprit. I have this primal feeling that I need to be saving as much money as possible/be a fun maximizer, while DH repeatedly says he wants to enjoy the things he likes now and not put it off for later. I'm going to share this with him! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh/page/2#post-2827402 Sat, 09 Jun 2018 08:07:19 +0000 travellingbee 2827402@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: yes this the case for us. All of our arguments are about who said what in what tone and what was meant and who isn’t listening and understanding or valuing the others opinion. DH tends to think I’m attacking if I’m a little testy. I feel like I can’t even express any frustration without being told I’m attacking... and so it goes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh/page/2#post-2827391 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 23:16:10 +0000 ChiCalGoBee 2827391@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wrkbrk: This is going to sound ridiculous but our old nanny would cut my son’s strawberries for school with a table knife for his lunch box and because it wasn’t a clean cut (she has to kind of saw them) it made them crazy mushy by the next day for lunch😬. The pairing knife is sharper and thus it keeps them from breaking down that way. I promise I’m not on her side-but maybe if that’s her reason she could have mentioned it? If not I’ve got nothing 😂 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827388 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 22:39:37 +0000 DesertDreams88 2827388@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@travellingbee: @Foodnerd81: @Ajsmommy: @JennyPenny: @snowjewelz: @Rocker2014: </p> <p>How could I forget communication issues?? Totally a big one. That was more of an issue historically in our relationship but isn't so much anymore. So there is hope for getting better!we have had a ton of conversations over the years about what we said, how we said it, why, what was the impact, how was it taken, what can we do to learn from this communication conflict, etc. Dating for 3 years, married for 8. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827387 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 22:37:30 +0000 Portboston 2827387@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Our therapist said its WAY more common then society wants us to believe. I personally know at least 3 women who are in the same situation I’m in. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827386 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 22:35:17 +0000 DesertDreams88 2827386@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@youboots: yeah we have had a lot of those discussions lately. dh has a side job that is also a hobby and sometimes I think he enjoys that more than parenting :sad: but it's not really true, just my fear.</p> <p>@Becky: "Also being “present” (DH is always on his phone apparently working), being on a family schedule (DH is bad at projecting time for family-related activities" We used to put our phones in drawers for 2 hours a night, I think we need to go back to that! DH is also bad about predicting/managing a kid schedule.... he is constantly bringing him home 10 minutes before nap time or bedtime, or extending his bedtime, and that's an ongoing conversation where I have to be really explicit and firm about times.</p> <p>@JennyPenny: DH goes through periods where htays up late often too (side hustle / hobby) and then falls asleep during the day when I want to spend time together or get help. I talk to him a lot about sleep deprivation hurts him, me, and the kids, and raises the risk of car accidents. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827383 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 22:24:01 +0000 DesertDreams88 2827383@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaBear87: that's great and heartwarming that you have a relationship like that with your in laws.</p> <p>@Portboston: thanks for sharing that personal stuff, before LO2 we had mismatched sex drives and I'm sure as breastfeeding winds down and she starts STTN, the mismatch will start again. For me I think a big part of it is mentally fighting societal stereotypes about male sex drive and what a low one could mean.</p> <p>@petitenoisette: I hear you on the background anxiety / stress turning something small into something needlessly bigger. Right now it doesnt happen much on maternity leave, but I know it will when I go back to work.</p> <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: " I might hate my chores, but I loathe his even more." I try to remind myself of this ALL THE TIME. I hate how he puts his off but they are bigger, and less pressing (yard work, pool, bathrooms) and I do the smaller daily stuff bc I like it. </p> <p>@Sams Mom: yes, DH is not a big fan of the toddler stage, haha! It bothers him more than me.</p> <p>@nwm: yes, this. My DH basically thinks that now that we have 2, we need to each take care of one all the time, so he always gets the toddler and I always get the breastfeeding baby. But in reality, there are 4 modes: family time, DH solo parenting, Me solo, or 1:1. And I need a balance of all 4, and different times call for different things. Like when he gets home from work, I want family time, hands down, no splitting up. But at bedtime, right now, 1:1 all the way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827344 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 14:45:15 +0000 MamaBear87 2827344@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wrkbrk: if it cuts it fine it's fair game in my book.<br /> I do my best to ask myself if whatever I'm going to snap about, or even mention, will matter tomorrow. And if it doesn't I just don't bring it up. My svt has given me some serious perspective and I'm hoping I keep this feeling </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827343 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 14:44:56 +0000 wrkbrk 2827343@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Portboston: Thanks for the encouragement. I will bring it up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827341 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 14:43:56 +0000 Portboston 2827341@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wrkbrk: yes I felt the same way. It took a long time for him to understand I NEEDED it (my love language if you will). I highly recommend therapy with someone who specializes in this area if you have access to it. It took us a long time to get to a point where we’re both realatively happy with it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827340 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 14:41:40 +0000 wrkbrk 2827340@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Portboston: I love that comparison, very smart! Trying not to give TMI but it's similar for us, except she gets annoyed like I am nagging. We need help :/ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827339 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 14:40:40 +0000 wrkbrk 2827339@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaBear87: Well evidently a table knife is not sharp enough to be the proper one ... even though mind you it CUT THEM FINE. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827338 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 14:40:08 +0000 MamaBear87 2827338@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband and I have for sure grown in how we discuss things and less stuff devolves into argument but we are not always on the same page with parenting things and those tend to blow up.<br /> I weirdly ask my in laws for advice if we've been having a rough time. They've been married for almost 30 years and always have really great advice </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827337 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 14:39:37 +0000 Portboston 2827337@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wrkbrk: oh gosh there’s so much...I think the main thing was that he was constantly rejecting me (and never initiating). Our therapist equated it to how someone would feel if they never knew when they were getting fed next. Like he would reject me but not offer up a option like “how about tomorrow night” Which he was able to understand. So we were able to get more on the same page that way which really helped. (Less rejection/bullshit reasons, or he would offer up another option). We also learned we need more foreplay outside of the bedroom....sexy texts, more affection, etc. that helps me feel like he’s into me in a sexual way (he sucks at expressing that). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827336 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 14:37:37 +0000 MamaBear87 2827336@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wrkbrk: your last comment made me chuckle. My hubby is notorious for using the "wrong" knife. I do my best not to say anything because I love that he helps but he'll often using a paring knife to cut cheese, and it just mangles the cheese and makes terrible slices<br /> Strawberries I wouldn't even bat an eye at whatever knife </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827335 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 14:26:35 +0000 Becky 2827335@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JennyPenny: I think we’re dealing with the same person! Even down to the rude thing. My husband also always thinks I’m nagging him and my answer is “If you’re only awake at home for 1-2 hours a day, then I have to or else nothing will get done.” I think guys have a very hard time recognizing and fitting into their schedules everything that has to be done when you have family. A point of contention for me is that DH works very late, and if he’d just get up and go to work earlier he would t have to work so late. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827318 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 13:31:16 +0000 wrkbrk 2827318@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@808love: DW snapped at me last night because I, in her opinion, used the wrong knife to cut DS's strawberries. So. I hear ya. I mean, is there such a thing as the "wrong" knife?!?! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827314 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 13:27:46 +0000 wrkbrk 2827314@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Portboston: This. Care to share any tips you have picked up in therapy? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827312 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 13:26:13 +0000 wrkbrk 2827312@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: Yes. All of it. All the things. We really need to get back on track. Every one of your choices, but I selected household tasks because that's the most frequent - really, in the category of household, it's the care for our four elderly, ailing dogs. We disagree about what to do for them and it comes up daily. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827310 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 13:10:23 +0000 petitenoisette 2827310@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@nwm: we’ve had this parallel parenting issue too before our second was born. It was like we each were trying to get our parenting tasks done so we could veg while the other took over and it just didn’t work well.<br /> @JennyPenny: feel you on the rude comment thing. Sometimes I know I’m being a little testy but I wish he could just let it slide sometimes. We haven’t been great at just giving each other grace lately. </p> <p>I don’t know how to vote! Some of our issues are communication based (he basicallly doesn’t like to talk about anything), others how we spend time (free time specifically),, household tasks like @SugarplumsMom: (Hate having to ask. Well aware he isn’t doing something bc he doesn’t want to - yet my tasks can’t be put off like many of his can...), general resentment for who knows what. Also me just getting overwhelmed or anxious and so I’ll get upset over something that wouldn’t otherwise bother me. That’s prob the number one thing really. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827305 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 12:45:27 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2827305@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Getting some perspective on things has really helped me with HH balance. I won’t go into what the split is, but one day I complained he didn’t help with food (groceries/ food prep/ mead). After some back and forth his retort was “you would feel better if clicked items on your app?” After I thought about it it seemed silly with all the stuff he does that I want no part of. I might hate my chores, but I loathe his even more. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827299 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 12:02:58 +0000 pinkarmadillo 2827299@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Communication - we fight the most about how we communicate with each other. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827295 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 11:50:17 +0000 Sams Mom 2827295@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's parenting for us. My husband wants a cut and dry answer to how to fix something or what is wrong with our son if he's crying or acting up. He has a hard time accepting "he's 2" as an answer. I try to figure out what he wants or what is wrong, but sometimes there is no making him happy. He's pissed off to be pissed off because he's a toddler. </p> <p>I think it's because he was never around babies or kids as an only child with an ostracized extended family. So everything is new to him. And it's not so much fight as him getting aggravated. Also there is some arguments about housekeeping, he's a neat freak, I am not; he works long strange hours, I don't... So it's not a big priority for me to keep everything immaculate and I'm home more than him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827290 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 11:37:13 +0000 Rocker2014 2827290@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ours is patterns of communication vs. a specific issue. DH's large family primarily uses passive aggressive comments to communicate displeasure and they are all constantly on the lookout for drama , while mine is very direct and addresses things as they come up without necessarily trying to spare feelings while doing so. So, DH is constantly assuming i'm upset about something when I'm not (and it could be anything), and gets very very upset when I address something directly and thinks I'm yelling at him. </p> <p>Ugh. We're working on it. My bro/sis in-laws and I commiserate all the time, lol! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827258 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 09:39:54 +0000 Portboston 2827258@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sex is our main issue. We rarely fight, we definitely disagree but sex is the main source of conflict in our marriage. I have a higher sex drive and we’ve been in counseling on and off for years trying to get on the same page. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827257 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 09:39:28 +0000 nwm 2827257@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>this is interesting to think about! i think we have two fights: one is just out of hangriness (for me) and lack of caffeine (for him), and we both definitely have the capacity to be real dicks for no reason if we find ourselves in that place. but the more substantive fights we have are about parenting, and mostly about co-parenting. basically, my husband is an awesome dad, and deserves a TON of credit for how much parenting he really does. given my long work hours, he probably solo parents more than me in any given week. and he works a lot of hours too, and he's basically a hero about it. but, he's somewhat obsessed with parenting efficiency. in other words, if i'm working hard or doing a work event, he is a great sport about taking on child care. but if i get home from work early, he completely checks out and gets on the computer and vegs out. which, on the one hand i should be forgiving of given how much he does at work and for our son, but on the other hand, i feel like it's ok and not completely inefficient for us to occasionally parent AT THE SAME TIME. we often had the same issue when i was breastfeeding, where sometimes i would be sick of doing all the night feeds and would wake him up and he would FLIP OUT because he just felt like it made no sense for us both to suffer. which is logically true but honestly i did kind of want him to suffer with me haha :wink: the other week i told him i sometimes feel like we are parallel parenting and he laughed and seemed to get what i was saying. weekends are better where we do meals and activities together, and i think really what it comes down to is we're both just exhausted/surviving during the week. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827254 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 09:26:31 +0000 Anagram 2827254@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have the same stress-related nitpickiness related to household balance as PPs have mentioned and that's probably our most common source of relationship stress. One constant underlying issue we have (I'd call it an issue, not a fight. We don't really fight about it, we just constantly have to navigate the difference between us) is perfectly summed up in this column. This is us, exactly, but I'm the guy in this article and my husband is the wife in the article. Exactly. To a T. This is one of my favorite online columns, and I follow a bunch. It's called "Our One Fight" and it profiles couples who have one big underlying issue that keeps coming up over the course of their entire marriage.</p> <p><a href="https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/05/our-one-fight-live-a-little-vs-rainy-day.html" rel="nofollow">https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/05/our-one-fight-live-a-little-vs-rainy-day.html</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827240 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 08:52:14 +0000 snowjewelz 2827240@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thinking back to our bigger fights, it's usually because we were speaking the wrong love language to each other. DH gets upset when he feels neglected, but I get upset that he feels neglected because I'm already running on fumes from everything else. So we have to be pretty intentional to fill each other's cups. We are also working on not letting it build up into a big fight but just call each other our in love when either one of us feel neglected or underappreciated. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-is-the-main-source-of-conflict-with-dh#post-2827237 Fri, 08 Jun 2018 08:37:43 +0000 JennyPenny 2827237@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know my major conflict with DH is how he chooses to spend his time. It sounds like what @Becky was saying. He chooses to stay up late for his hobbies, then can't get up in the morning to help out. And is often on his phone during family time or will just fall asleep on the couch cause he's tired. I feel like he doesn't make responsible choices with his time which means I have to be extra responsible to make up for it.</p> <p>On the other hand, I think his main issue with me is communication styles. I don't know how it happens but I'll say something that I don't even understand how it could be construed as rude but that's how he'll take it and he'll be rude right back. But I didn't see how what I said was rude, so I just think he's being rude for no reason. Hmm...so maybe communication is a close 2nd for me too then... </p>