https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 08 Jul 2026 22:44:08 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-to-do-when-dh-feels-undermined#post-2375177 Wed, 02 Dec 2015 07:50:38 +0000 catomd00 2375177@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband has done this to me a few times and usually he is right, so I just roll with it. For example A wanted to fill her suitcase with stuffed animals and for some silly reason I kept saying no because I had just put the suitcase away. But really, it shouldn't have been a big deal I was just being unreasonable (I blame being pregnant!) I don't think there's anything wrong with DH saying she can do it and me saying you know what, daddy is right mommy was being silly you can play with it.<br /> If it's something serious though we have each other's backs and make sure she complies with and listens to what the other said. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-to-do-when-dh-feels-undermined#post-2375165 Wed, 02 Dec 2015 07:44:25 +0000 travellingbee 2375165@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yoursilverlining: this exactly. The issue becomes not listening to daddy not the tapping. I'm definitely going to back up DH by asking if he heard daddy and telling him to stop. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-to-do-when-dh-feels-undermined#post-2375154 Wed, 02 Dec 2015 07:25:09 +0000 mrbee 2375154@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wouldn't be too thrilled either, if I was in his shoes! I'd raise the issue after dinner privately maybe, and get on the same page out of earshot of the kids. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-to-do-when-dh-feels-undermined#post-2374704 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 17:33:20 +0000 kiddosc 2374704@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Autumnmama79: This is totally my DH and I. I just don't understand why it needs to escalate so quickly, or why he can't accept what I think are normal toddler behaviors. Of course, it has everything to do with us being raised in very different parenting environments. We talk about it a lot, how I think he needs to not "sweat the small stuff" and he very much doesn't want me to jump in so that he has to "deal with both of us at the same time." Like I said before, it's a work in progress. He's learning to pause and evaluate what's really a big deal, and I'm learning to not jump in in the middle of a situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-to-do-when-dh-feels-undermined#post-2374697 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 17:22:53 +0000 yoursilverlining 2374697@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>In a situation like that, I would either let it go and talk to my husband later, or ask LO if she heard her father. Even if I disagree with my husband, or it's a battle I wouldn't pick, I think it's important to back him up. I think talking directly to him and saying you think the action/whatever is OK is the same as undermining. </p> <p>I generally backup my husband by asking LO if she has heard him speaking, and to please listen to his words. Then, we talk in private afterwards, if it's warranted. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-to-do-when-dh-feels-undermined#post-2374683 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 17:10:46 +0000 Autumnmama79 2374683@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mamasig: I imagine it helps when both parents have a similar style. I totally see why he's upset and I don't want to cause problems. Its hard sometimes when he seems to consistently come from a place of wanting to correct her behaviour in a firm and disciplinary way. </p> <p>@MamaCate: Diffusing the situation for both at once is the dream! I feel like my sympathy's naturally go to the child but maybe I need to work harder at finding ways to meet both their needs at once. Ugh, sounds exhausting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-to-do-when-dh-feels-undermined#post-2374676 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 17:06:04 +0000 Freckles 2374676@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I almost always back up DH. In this scenario you described, if i think he is being too harsh, i will reiterate the message in a kinder way. "DD, daddy said to stop and you know that we save the singing/tapping/etc. until after dinner." </p> <p>If i disagree, i'll usually mouth it to him so DD doesn't know i'm questioning him and i'll just let it be if he looks upset. I know i get upset when DH intervenes so i try to back off when i can. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-to-do-when-dh-feels-undermined#post-2374675 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 17:04:41 +0000 Autumnmama79 2374675@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Greentea: If I can stomach whatever the discipline issue is, I will say, "dad thinks this is not okay, you need to stop..." Even then, it feels like DD can infer that I think its fine. But maybe thats the most pc way to go about it. Not agreeing with what DH is doing but at least going along with it for purposes of a united front. Good point. </p> <p>@Cherrybee: I follow through with some pretty ridiculous issues too. I wouldn't want DD to think she can play one of us off against the other either, unfortunately it has created a total good cop, bad cop parenting model and that doesn't really work when its being used all the time...</p> <p>@kiddosc: I need to work harder at holding my tongue too, its so hard when I feel like he's being unreasonable :silly: And yes, I definitely think you're right, the bigger issue IS that DD should listen the first time and then not do it again. But as I try to impress upon him, there is no such thing as a perfect child, she's doing her best and is not a bad girl because she's not some little angel with perfect manners. I think we come from quite different families with quite different ideas on child rearing and that is perhaps starting to show... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-to-do-when-dh-feels-undermined#post-2374672 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 17:00:32 +0000 MamaCate 2374672@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Autumnmama79: we deal with this too. I work really hard to make sure we are a united front so in the situation you described, I would try to back DH up by reminding LO that daddy asked her to stop and suggesting an alternate and acceptable activity. Sometimes that can defuse the situation for both DH and LO! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-to-do-when-dh-feels-undermined#post-2374670 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 16:56:24 +0000 Mamasig 2374670@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I either back my husband or don't say anything - even if I don't particularly agree. Later on, I would question DH about it and ask him why it bothered him (if it's something I don't agree with). This doesn't happen often because we are both pretty laid back. But I understand why your husband got upset. I would be too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-to-do-when-dh-feels-undermined#post-2374644 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 16:33:53 +0000 kiddosc 2374644@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is very much our dynamic too, and DH gets FURIOUS when I jump in mid disciplining. I'm trying very hard to hold my tongue and discuss the issue with him later, and he's trying hard not to make as big a deal of small issues. I think it's important to present a unified front in front of LO, but it's a work in progress. </p> <p>I think the bigger issue in your situation, and often in my situation, is that LO isn't listening to DH. It's not a big deal that she was drumming on the table, but it's a bigger deal that she didn't stop when she was asked. In this situation I would let him lead the discipline, and then discuss with him later why he thought it was such a big deal that she was drumming on the table. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-to-do-when-dh-feels-undermined#post-2374633 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 16:26:53 +0000 Cherrybee 2374633@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have a similar dynamic to you and your DH....</p> <p> I don't want her to grow up thinking she can play one of us off against the other so I always back him up. If I don't agree with his decision, I talk to him about it later. It drives me mad because he doesn't pick his battles at all and sometimes fails to follow through..... I don't want her to grow up thinking she can ignore her parents so I find myself following through about the most ridiculous issues (like drumming on the table). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-to-do-when-dh-feels-undermined#post-2374626 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 16:23:25 +0000 Greentea 2374626@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Talk directly to him. "Oh honey, I actually think that's okay." Then ideally he'll say, "I don't agree" and you can say to LO, "Daddy doesn't like that right now could you please try air tapping instead? Could you please listen to Dad? Thank you sweetheart." (If you can't talk to him in private.) Or choose your battles and go directly to supporting DH like that. Or ideally he'll say, "Okay, I guess it is okay right now but in the future if I ask you to stop, you need to listen to Dad, okay? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-to-do-when-dh-feels-undermined#post-2374611 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 16:18:30 +0000 Adira 2374611@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I try not to undermine my husband in front of the kids, but I try to chime in on my opinion as soon as possible if I can.</p> <p>For example, if my kid was doing something and my husband told them to stop, I'd try to say something immediately asking if it was a big deal? If he was firm that it was, I'd back him up (even if I didn't think it WAS a big deal). But if I let him get so far as telling them to stop doing it 3 times, I wouldn't even bother asking him about it - I'd just back him up and then talk to him about it later about how he needs to pick his battles.</p> <p>I have definitely found myself saying "Xander, Dada asked you to stop, so you need to stop," even if I personally don't care. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-to-do-when-dh-feels-undermined#post-2374608 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 16:15:56 +0000 Autumnmama79 2374608@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@avivoca: Yes, this exactly, just reversed. Hopefully someone will chime in... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-to-do-when-dh-feels-undermined#post-2374606 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 16:13:28 +0000 avivoca 2374606@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Following because I am often in your husband's shoes. I will ask her to not do something and he will say, "Oh, it's okay," which makes me feel like he is undermining my parenting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-to-do-when-dh-feels-undermined#post-2374603 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 16:11:39 +0000 Autumnmama79 2374603@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This seems to happen every couple of weeks and I need to get my head around how to deal. Here is an example from last night but every time is something very similar. I'm more of pick-your-battles parenting approach and DH is more of a try-to-fix-every-little-thing approach. </p> <p>Last night DD was 'tapping a beat' on the table during dinner. DH told her 3 times to stop. Eventually I said, 'just let her eat?' He got upset and said I was undermining him. I just didn't think it was that big of a deal!! We were having an otherwise nice family dinner and I didn't see the need to upset the apple cart.</p> <p>So what do you do when you don't agree with a parenting decision/approach? I don't WANT to disagree with DH in front of DD but I also can't just go along with things that I don't think are right... </p>