https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 24 Apr 2026 21:04:15 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/3#post-2180978 Sun, 17 May 2015 15:30:29 +0000 Mrs.Pinecone316 2180978@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think I would want to get down to the deeper issues. Why did he have to feel like he had to hide this from you? What exactly was it that he bought with the other $12,000 and why couldn't this be budgeted and discussed with you? </p> <p>I would be so upset and shocked but more upset by the lying and hiding than the actual amount of money. I would want to seek counseling and a financial advisor but I really don't understand the quick jump to divorce like others have mentioned. If the marriage was already really bad and this happened on top of it, maybe, but if you have a happy life together this could be fixed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/3#post-2180975 Sun, 17 May 2015 15:13:47 +0000 catomd00 2180975@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: great and. I think it is incredibly irresponsible to suggest jumping to divorce, but I wasn't singling people out and debating their reaction because I don't care what other purple would do. Get over yourself. She asked for people's reactions, I gave mine. I never said she should do x or y, I said how I would react.</p> <p>And honestly, it was never specified what hiding meant. Did she ask him for an exact number of how much debt he had and he said 0? That's different then if she never asked. My husband has never asked me for an exact amount of the student loan debt I had entering my marriage. He knows ballpark and knows I take care of paying for it and knows I have a great credit score. It's all he really needs to know as far as we are concerned. Every marriage is different in how they handle finances. I think you're taking differing experiences and opinions way too personally here. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/3#post-2180947 Sun, 17 May 2015 14:23:53 +0000 lemondrop 2180947@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Divorce wouldn't even cross my mind. I've been there- I ran up 5k in credit cards in grad school, it was very easy to do with low loans, low paying job, and high living expenses. It was before we were married/engaged, but we worked it out together and are stronger for it. It was an ugly monkey on my back, once it was out in the open I felt so much better. </p> <p>We ended up getting a GREAT financial planner right before our first was born. She helped us sort out debts, savings, and college/retirement planning. It only costs us about $150 a year for their help and they get a small percentage based off our investments over time through the investment companies. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/3#post-2180890 Sun, 17 May 2015 13:08:50 +0000 Truth Bombs 2180890@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Maysprout: the reason I would strongly consider divorce has nothing to do with getting away from the debt or trying to avoid the 20k burden. It's because it would be extremely difficult for me to every regain trust in someone who did something so selfish, irresponsible and deceitful when they are supposed to be putting their family first. </p> <p>A lot of people are throwing out "for better or for worse" but in our marriage my husband and I take that to mean better or worse circumstances outside of our control. Not as an excuse to be disrespectful to each other and then label it "the worse" that our spouse has to stick through.</p> <p>ETA: The OP has to do what works for her and will allow her to be happy and secure moving forward. But the question was "what would you do"...And I don't think it makes someone a horrible person if this isn't something they would be able to move past. It's a really big deal. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/3#post-2180889 Sun, 17 May 2015 13:07:56 +0000 mediagirl 2180889@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm glad you have figured out what you're going to do. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Divorce would not even cross my mind if he was willing to pay it off. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/3#post-2180881 Sun, 17 May 2015 12:51:51 +0000 Maysprout 2180881@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>when you consider the cost of divorce and splitting one house into two you're looking at considerable expenses. 20000 is a lot but when you're talking about splitting a house the cost is so much more both financially and emotionally. I hadn't commented but I've been very surprised at people throwing divorce out there because it's just going to increase their burdens in every way.<br /> That being said I'd get to why he hid it from you and what he spent it on, I've seen people hide stuff out of embarrassment while it snowballs but I might have him talk to a financial planner instead of counseling if it was poor planning and embarrassment. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/3#post-2180855 Sun, 17 May 2015 11:43:38 +0000 doodlepoodle 2180855@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would have trouble with getting past the trust, but I wouldn't just jump into the divorce wagon. It depends on how your marriage is in other ways, to me I see that as a problem that can be worked through. Debt can be paid down over time and if you can work through the trust issues from him being dishonest I think a marriage is absolutely worth it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/3#post-2180852 Sun, 17 May 2015 11:34:27 +0000 Synchronicity 2180852@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2littlepumpkins: totally agree. It's pretty crappy to say that 20k is insignificant because to some people, that amount is financially devastating. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/3#post-2180838 Sun, 17 May 2015 11:01:55 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2180838@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lady baltimore: agree and I also think it has to do with varying income levels. There are people on here who probably wouldn't bat an eye at 10 or 20k and then maybe some who only make that much a year. No judgment to either but how much that money means to your family probably plays a role in how big that deception feels. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/3#post-2180797 Sun, 17 May 2015 09:18:15 +0000 shortcake 2180797@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Agree with others who have said this is just a hurdle to get over together. Maybe you can consider therapy together because financial issues are you just a reflection of other emotional issues. Help him work through this as his partner. Remember, for better or worse? This isn't even the worse. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/3#post-2180794 Sun, 17 May 2015 09:02:49 +0000 Happygal 2180794@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Short answer: I'd be upset and we would find a way to work it out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/3#post-2180783 Sun, 17 May 2015 08:46:47 +0000 lady baltimore 2180783@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think a lot of differing reactions might also be coming out of how finances are handled in different households. To hide something like this from me would take a LOT of effort on my husband's part. He'd have to be getting statements mailed to a different address, hiding any payments he made through cash withdrawals and money orders, finding some way to explain the how he'd paid for purchases he'd made with the hidden card. That level of deception would be much more concerning than the unexpected debt. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/3#post-2180775 Sun, 17 May 2015 08:30:21 +0000 looch 2180775@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think there are two things at play, the act and the reason. I am not so good at separating these two, but I know that the solution for me would involve being able to remedy them as two separate things...meaning, deal with the financial aspect by coming up with a payment plan and deal with the reason separately. </p> <p>My last relationship ended partly because of financial issues on the part of my boyfriend. Had we stayed together, I would never know if the lights were going to get shut off and if I would end up coming home to a foreclosure sign on my front lawn. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/3#post-2180763 Sun, 17 May 2015 08:12:41 +0000 PrincessBaby 2180763@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catomd00: I actually agree with you - $10K is not the end of the world. I certainly wouldn't end my marriage over $10K!!! My husband and my family is worth a lot more than that.</p> <p>No one is perfect. He had dental work and like @Mrs. Champage said - it sounds like it just got away from him. I would help him work on it, work on not letting the same thing happen again, and learning from the mistake. </p> <p>In a marriage, you have to go through less than ideal things together and grow together from them. I think this is one of those times. You learn, you grow, you move on and are better for it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/3#post-2180747 Sun, 17 May 2015 07:30:48 +0000 Truth Bombs 2180747@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catomd00: I responded to you because I think was extremely irresponsible and naive to suggest that the OP shouldn't be too concerned about the situation because apparently $20k "isn't that much" consumer debt to rack up and then hide from your spouse. If that's what you would find acceptable in your marriage, fine, but I feel pretty strongly that it's a huge breach of trust. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/2#post-2180693 Sun, 17 May 2015 00:13:40 +0000 jaguar 2180693@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think I'd be wondering what the underlying issues were behind the secrecy in the first place, as money can be earned and repaid, but the problems are what need/can be worked on. Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/2#post-2180654 Sat, 16 May 2015 21:19:52 +0000 catomd00 2180654@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: what exactly is your point in responding to me? It does not help the op in any way. She asked for people's thoughts, I gave mine. When you take out the 10k it's much less then a car payment. It's not like he racked up hundreds of thousands. My sister racked up 10k in college and paid it off pretty quickly on a very small income. And like I said, the reaction depends on a lot of factors here that weren't stated in the post. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/2#post-2180618 Sat, 16 May 2015 20:04:01 +0000 MrsKoala 2180618@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <br /><p><i>This comment has been deleted by the original poster.</i></p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/2#post-2180532 Sat, 16 May 2015 15:05:13 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 2180532@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I sent a wall message matador... But I wanted to address in general that I think if someone is hiding that much debt that it's a symptom of a larger pattern of ignoring issues on the part of the person who accrues the debt and doesn't share the info openly with their partner. It doesn't mean that it's insurmountable... Just that the couple has to get to the root of the problem... And that part is never just about the money. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/2#post-2180526 Sat, 16 May 2015 14:38:31 +0000 LovelyPlum 2180526@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Meow: we used and LOVED CCCS, as well! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/2#post-2180525 Sat, 16 May 2015 14:32:53 +0000 LovelyPlum 2180525@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@matador84: I'm so sorry. I come from a family where a lot of people struggle with debt. It is never one big thing or extravagant purchases. My mom's started with dental work, and it kinda snowballed from there.</p> <p>Divorce wouldn't be on my radar, at least not for a good long while. I agree with @clover: he probaby thought he could handle it, but that kind of debt gets out of hand very fast. I would be hurt and angry, but his first gesture is a good one. I think I would insist on marriage counseling and financial counseling/education and see where that led us.</p> <p>Huge hugs :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/2#post-2180514 Sat, 16 May 2015 14:10:57 +0000 IRunForFun 2180514@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mamasig: I understand what you're saying about $20k not being "that much" - it's all relative, right? - but for someone who thought they had absolutely no debt at all to pay off, that's a huge number. It seems like the amount doesn't really matter in this case, whether it's $20k or $200k, it's the shock and deceit. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/2#post-2180513 Sat, 16 May 2015 14:05:43 +0000 IRunForFun 2180513@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would probably focus less on the financial implications (you have a plan figured out for that already) and start focusing on the "whys" of the situation. Why did he allow so much debt to accumulate? Why did he feel he had to hide it from you? Why didn't he come to you when it first started snowballing so you could pay it off? Why did he spend money when he already knew about the debt? Etc. If you can get to the root of the motivation behind those behaviors you have a better chance of trying to understand him so you can fix the relationship. The debt is there and you can't go back and change that now, the only thing you can change is both of your behaviors to prevent it from happening again. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/2#post-2180494 Sat, 16 May 2015 13:06:23 +0000 mrsrugbee 2180494@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>In my mind that's a lie on par with cheating. I would be devastated and feel completely betrayed. We would have to get through it but it would take a lot to rebuild the trust. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/2#post-2180489 Sat, 16 May 2015 13:02:07 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2180489@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My reaction honestly would probably depend on a) why he was in so much debt, b) why he didn't tell me and c) how much money/income we had to pay it off. In this case I don't think I would consider divorce over it, but I'd be upset. Medical/dental bills can pile up FAST though, so since that's about half of it, I'd be more inclined to forgive... Especially since the rest of it was over ten years and wih interest it doesn't sound like he just lived extremely extravagantly... I think. I hope it all works out for you! Sorry you're going through this, it sounds very stressful! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/2#post-2180483 Sat, 16 May 2015 12:55:02 +0000 Grace 2180483@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've been in that much debt in my 20s. It was a combo of having a car that broke all the time, trips with friends (because I didn't want to admit to them that I couldn't afford anything fun), not having a roommate anymore and little things. I was very ashamed of that debt and the weight it put on my shoulders was huge. I really dreaded telling DH about it before we got married and I was really vague about the amount for a long time. The thing is, admiting that debt just made me feel like I was some stupid child who wasn't enough of an adult to keep my finances together. I'm smart. I'm supposed to know how to not go in the hole.</p> <p>Now that the cat's out of the bag, you have to find out where he stands. Is he like me and never wants to go in debt again? Or is he in denial and doesn't realise that things need to change? I think that will dictate what your next steps should be. </p> <p>Lastly, I think Gingerbee's advice is wonderful. She's right about feeling accountable to the family for everything that is spent. I'd feel horrible if DH had to bale me out again and it's a great incentive to stay on top of things. We both have an allowance every month and it's much easier to stay in that limit because we have a budget (vs CC which can seem to be unlimited). I also limit the use of my CC now - it really is the devil. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/2#post-2180481 Sat, 16 May 2015 12:54:12 +0000 Mrs. Coral 2180481@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@matador84: Don't worry, his decisions will not affect your credit as long as it was not a joint credit card. I do believe PP was mistaken when mentioning that. Even though you are married, you still have your own credit. Yes, joint accounts affect it, but it does not sound like this is a joint account. </p> <p>I agree that you should make him run a credit report so you can confirm this is the only thing he was hiding. I would also get to the bottom of what he was spending it on. Did you see an material goods other than the dental work? If my DH betrayed my trust like this, I would demand to see the statements to ensure he isn't hiding what he spent the money on. </p> <p>I'm so sorry.</p> <p>ETA: what I meant to say is that the thing he is spending the $ on could be another underlying issue, or could help to make counseling more effective. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/2#post-2180472 Sat, 16 May 2015 12:37:43 +0000 Mrs. High Heels 2180472@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! I wouldn't consider divorce unless the debt was used on questionable activities. $10k in dental work wouldn't fall under that for me, and I can see how the additional $10k could be racked up through little things here and there over the course of 10 years + the interest each month from not paying off the balance in full.</p> <p>I'm just wondering why he couldn't come to you with this sooner if this money wasn't spent on questionable things. Not only is this a breach of trust, but I would be extremely hurt that he felt he couldn't talk to me openly about this. There's something deeper here - are there control issues in the relationship over money? Does he have a spending problem or shopping addiction?</p> <p>I really like the advice Gingerbebe gave! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/2#post-2180468 Sat, 16 May 2015 12:25:58 +0000 Chuckles 2180468@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>One thought I have is that, although 10K in debt isn't crazy to rack up over the course of 10 years, if a person already knows that they secretly have 10K in debt, the reasonable thing to do is be extremely careful with money and work to pay it down, not continue to accumulate more debt. Is a lot of the additional debt from interest on the dental work? If not, then there are certainly other spending issues that should be addressed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-would-you-do-if-2/page/2#post-2180460 Sat, 16 May 2015 12:08:32 +0000 Mrs Green Grass 2180460@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow, it surprises that that many people would consider divorce. Is ouldnt. But it's a major trust issue and I imaginr its not that hard to stop either. I bet he feels really ashamed (and has for some time). He might be glad that it's out in the open, however bad.</p> <p>I think you are more than justified to see everything and maybe create some safeguards against him opening a new account... I'm sure it's going to take a while for you to process and I'm sorry you're going through it! </p>