https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 29 Apr 2026 22:25:52 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/3#post-1839322 Wed, 27 Aug 2014 16:30:27 +0000 lizzywiz 1839322@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: For me (13 years married), I stayed married because, even during the rough patches, there was never anything/ anyone I wanted more than being with him. I mean that not in the mushy, 'Oh, I love him more than anything' way, but quite literally going through a list, sometimes written: would I rather not have him in my life? Would I rather have another person? Would life truly be better/easier/ more fulfilling without him? In the end, I always wanted to make it work with him more than I wanted anything else. ETA- so once I determine that I want it to work, then I do some soul searching to figure out what I need to work on myself and what I need from him to get out of the funk.</p> <p>I occasionally tell my husband that I am with him because I want to be and he should never doubt it. I make my own money, have no fear of being alone, and divorce is totally acceptable in my family, so I will definitely never stay married because I feel like I have to.</p> <p>I hope it gets easier soon! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/3#post-1839068 Wed, 27 Aug 2014 14:08:05 +0000 Chuckles 1839068@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>yeah, exactly. It reminds of the part in Parenthood when Steve Martin is like, thanks for grandma's rollercoaster story! Now everything is great again!</p> <p><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z18vJwmxFFY" rel="nofollow">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z18vJwmxFFY</a> (the sarcastic part that is at the end of the clip)</p> <p>And who knows? My parents separated when I was in elementary school for about a year because my dad had an affair, but they went to counseling and have been (I think) happily married for the past 25 or so years. Why did they get back together? I actually don't know. I'd like to say that maybe it's the people who had really strong bonds to begin with that can get through the super tough times, but I don't know if that's really true. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/3#post-1839042 Wed, 27 Aug 2014 13:54:32 +0000 JoJoGirl 1839042@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: RIGHT! And what differentiates the people who say "oh we fell out of love/hated each other for a while and then got back on track" from those who say "we fell out of love/hated each other for a while then got a divorce". :-/ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/3#post-1839005 Wed, 27 Aug 2014 13:37:58 +0000 Chuckles 1839005@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jojogirl: I see what you're saying, since according to that saying/story, even if you fall out of love or whatever, eventually it has to get good again to make you want to keep going. And it's like, thanks for the nice saying/story but the whole question is how did you go from wanting a divorce to not wanting one :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/3#post-1838987 Wed, 27 Aug 2014 13:29:56 +0000 JoJoGirl 1838987@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: I've heard that last one before too - framed as "we never wanted a divorce at the same time". I know most people who have been married a long time say it's hard, and I hope we'll be okay, but i have a hard time distinguishing between "it's hard now but will get better" and "we are falling apart", you know? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/3#post-1838981 Wed, 27 Aug 2014 13:26:39 +0000 Chuckles 1838981@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I love this thread because it's nice to hear that our normal is similar to everyone's experiences. We are mostly inthe option 2 boat. He is a great partner and we are loving to each other, but we don't have this crazy in love feeling right now. I also think the love languages book is great.<br /> Also, in terms of date night expectations, I agree that it can be hard to find things to talk about and manage expectations. Since S has been born, we've had some fun dates on our own, but we recently went out and spent a lot of the time quietly people watching. And I was disappointed - like, if we're just going to sit here we might as well have stayed home. But I know it won't always be like that.<br /> One other way to rebuild a connection that I have been trying is responding to DH's "bids." There was a study that looked at marital happiness and whether couples stayed together or got divorced. The biggest factor seemed to be whether each person responded to the other's attempts at conversation or comments. So if one person said, "I saw XYZ today," the other person could respond just "huh"'or ignore it completely. Or, they could respond to the bid by asking a question or otherwise engaging with the topic. That has been hard because by the end of the day I'm tired or just want quiet (or, frankly, don't really want more details about some boring aspect of my husband's job :) ), but I've noticed my husband really responds well when I am more attentive to his bids.<br /> I've always loved this one thing I heard about marriage quite awhile ago: they interviewed a woman who had been married for like 60 years and asked what the secret was. And she said, we never fell out of love at the same time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/3#post-1838905 Wed, 27 Aug 2014 12:53:54 +0000 Raindrop 1838905@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lizzywiz: LOL!! :) I mean I'm consistently thinking of how to improve my relationship. Which is what I meant about "thinking about it". It does work for us pretty well but maybe something else would work better. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1838829 Wed, 27 Aug 2014 12:24:05 +0000 lizzywiz 1838829@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Raindrop: DON'T think about it!!!! You're happy- no need to delve deeper, lol. :silly:<br /> I see your point. Your best friend is the one who doesn't need to constantly demonstrate their affection- it is so true that it is in every gesture. I would agree in that sense. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1838790 Wed, 27 Aug 2014 12:13:18 +0000 Raindrop 1838790@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lizzywiz: You know what's funny? :) I actually am the opposite of you. I thought thinking of my "my b/f / husband as my best friend" is what lowed my expectations.</p> <p>I don't expect my best friend to bring me flowers and chocolate or do a grand romantic gesture on my b-day or a special date but I do expect them to be there for me when I need them and want to talk. Also to have each others back when conflicts with other people come up and there to build and grow our friendship as needed.</p> <p>My husband is definitely my best friend and I know I'm his. I always thought that was what made us kind of different. Now I don't know. I'll have to think about it now. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1838363 Wed, 27 Aug 2014 09:30:51 +0000 mrsjyw 1838363@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We are option 1 most days, but we are only human and don't live in a romantic comedy! There are days where we are lucky if we get two words in with each other that isn't about work or the baby. There are days when each of us just needs to be alone because our schedules are so jam packed and we both are fans of alone time. </p> <p>We fight and argue from time to time but I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. It gets us talking and we come out on the other side feeling relieved, rejuvenated, and much more de-stressed. </p> <p>We definitely have different love languages and talking through and understanding each others' needs has been key to balance in our marriage. </p> <p>I think the the best thing that has come forward out of our first years of marriage is that our communication and patience with each other has grown by leaps and bounds. It also helps that we're fortunate enough to have time "just us" every couple of months since we have family nearby. And yes, as cheesy as it is, he still gives me butterflies from time to time and we are a vocally affectionate couple.</p> <p>ETA: DH and I are both conversationalists. Outside of work/baby, our "serious" talks are usually about our parents, friends, dreams of our future, financial decisions, the status of our marriage and how we're feeling (usually when one person is feeling worn out etc). I've noticed recently that we have heart to hearts about things going on in the world and random news stories that strikes a chord with one of us. And that gets us back to talking about our family/DS/future/etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1838290 Wed, 27 Aug 2014 09:07:36 +0000 lizzywiz 1838290@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We are kinda like @looch: @swurlygurl: - practical, stable, not given to drama, happy but fully aware that other people might find our love boring :silly:<br /> But, we have been married 13+ years, so all of our drama kind of worked itself out (thank god). And I have never been in the 'my boyfriend/husband is my best friend' camp, which decreases my expectations, I think.<br /> My husband is my lover, my partner, my co-parent, etc. My best friend is a girl I met when I was 13- we can talk for days about nothing and we always 'get' each other. My husband has no interest in having a glass of wine and mutually dissecting some life event, interspersed with off topic catty comments about how a mean girl we both know has more wrinkles than us, lol. My husband also doesn't want to hear about my changing role as a woman and wife once I became a mom and all of that other good stuff. Oh, he'll listen, but on these kind of issues there won't be a give and take and I NEED that.</p> <p>I am not a particularly social person, but about a year after having the baby, I realized I liked my husband a lot more right after I had just had some girl time with a friend. I think, for us, it just came down to 1 person cannot be all things and while he is almost always a good husband and father, I get discontent when he doesn't fill the 'girlfriend' role, too. Does that make sense?</p> <p>All of that being said, we are in a happy roommate phase right now and actively talking about getting a healthy sex life back, so I voted #2. But I have been in this boat a long time so I know another wave of lovey feelings will come along.</p> <p>PS- I love threads like this! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1838046 Wed, 27 Aug 2014 06:46:59 +0000 JoJoGirl 1838046@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Crisark: @Mrs. Coral: @beaker: Thanks guys. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1837548 Tue, 26 Aug 2014 16:28:26 +0000 Mrs. Coral 1837548@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: Just want to give you hugs! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1837539 Tue, 26 Aug 2014 16:23:11 +0000 Mrs. Tiger 1837539@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: sorry things are tough, we're in a real rough patch too. I didn't vote since I don't want to acknowledge that it's "normal" for us at this point :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1837505 Tue, 26 Aug 2014 15:53:29 +0000 Crisark 1837505@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: :heart: </p> <p>And yes, we are option 1 and I feel very grateful for that. I've been married once before so I knew what I didn't want in a relationship/partner.<br /> He's truly amazing. We aren't perfect but we are always in love. Always Always.<br /> I've never known the love I have for him and him for me.<br /> When we got together I already had 2 of my 3 LO's so things didn't change much in our relationship when we had our LO last year.<br /> It's all just different stress with 3 kids varying in ages and needs and two full time jobs and money and bills and the normal things that we have to keep in perspective. We are very open and communicate a lot. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1837369 Tue, 26 Aug 2014 14:44:19 +0000 JoJoGirl 1837369@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@rachiecakes: &lt;3</p> <p>@Raindrop: @cascademom: Thank you guys and everyone else who chimed in. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1837314 Tue, 26 Aug 2014 14:18:52 +0000 cascademom 1837314@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Boheme: @JoJoGirl: I agree on the hellish first year. There's still lingering feelings over what happened to our marriage at that time. For us, it's just taken time for healing. As we prepared to TTC #2, we talked about expectations and feelings. It was a much more open discussion than previously knowing what we went through. It just wasn't about having a newborn again, but the other issues that came up as well. We both agree that we'll go back to counseling if necessary. </p> <p>Generally, I love my husband. Sometimes, he annoys me and does things that I disagree with. Those things came up after LO was born and going through marital strife. Now, those feelings come and go. Our marriage and our new normal changed. We're still working on that change over time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1837313 Tue, 26 Aug 2014 14:18:44 +0000 Raindrop 1837313@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'll be honest we have always been the second option. I am not sure if I have felt the first option with anyone and maybe we are the first option and I just don't know. :)</p> <p>When I met him, I sort of knew he would be a great partner for marriage and raising a family with. Did I fall head over heels for him, not really. Do I wish there were things about him that were different, yes. Would he say the same thing about me, probably. Overall though he's a great guy and I'm lucky we are together and we are happy. We are definitely not lovely dovely.</p> <p>What's kind of weird about us is having kids actually made our relationship stronger. We both stepped it up with our demanding little one.</p> <p>We did have some rough patches which we worked through with a lot of talking.</p> <p>Good luck! :) I don't think you are alone in how you feel at all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1837311 Tue, 26 Aug 2014 14:16:05 +0000 swurlygurl 1837311@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I really think a lot of it comes down to the love languages. My love language is words of affirmation, DH's is acts of service. Unfortunately, neither of us are easily inclined to the other's main love language. I wouldn't say this creates problems for us, but we're just not... as love-y as some couples?</p> <p>To your earlier question, we do not have deep, emotional conversations. That's not really 'us' though, so I can't see either of us initiating such a conversation.</p> <p>I would say we have a great marriage/partnership, but we are by no means any sort of movie-love that would make anyone jealous. It took me a while to grasp that, but once I did it took a huge weight off my shoulders to not expect fireworks all the time, and I am truly happy with our great life we have together :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1837301 Tue, 26 Aug 2014 14:09:56 +0000 rachiecakes 1837301@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: can't get into much without Gold but I feel you.<br /> :heart: hugs </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1837298 Tue, 26 Aug 2014 14:08:33 +0000 looch 1837298@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: Yeah, I mean, in our early years, my husband would get upset if we didn't talk on the phone for 6 hours a day, but now, we simply don't have that much philosophizing to do.</p> <p>My husband would absolutely do whatever he needs to do for his family, but he's not going to bring me flowers from the grocery store just because. But he does know what kind of yogurt I like and makes sure he buys it on his weekly grocery shopping trip. And if I ask him to attend my son's open house for school, he attends.</p> <p>I never thought about it not being enough. We are both very practical though. My idea of a good gift is giving me an hour to go to home depot alone! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1837282 Tue, 26 Aug 2014 13:56:23 +0000 JoJoGirl 1837282@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mae: YES yes and yes.</p> <p>@looch: Okay so I'm not the only one..</p> <p>@Boheme: Thanks lady. And yes exactly this - we spent so much of the first year just trying not to kill each other and LO, now that we are finally getting some sleep and I am being treated for PPD, things are neutral, but I wouldn't say good? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1837281 Tue, 26 Aug 2014 13:56:19 +0000 cascademom 1837281@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: random acts of kindness in our marriage include remembering his favorite candy bar when I'm at the store or cleaning up. I've always made a point of thanking him for doing these for me/our family. Sometimes, I leave little notes around too. As our marriage counselor pointed out to us, it's important to fill up the well with acts of kindness, so that when things are tough, you remember the good things or goodwill towards your partner. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1837272 Tue, 26 Aug 2014 13:51:25 +0000 Adira 1837272@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mae: haha, I spent a day cleaning out the garage and tearing down boxes and putting them in the recycling (that had been picked up earlier that day) and got "Did the recycling not get picked up today?" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1837264 Tue, 26 Aug 2014 13:48:46 +0000 looch 1837264@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Haha, random act of kindness??? My husband has to be told things to do. He would never say, for example, what can I help you with? But he will say, oh, I'll make dinner if you are going to the park. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1837257 Tue, 26 Aug 2014 13:47:14 +0000 Mae 1837257@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: Yea. DH says "I love you" but it's usually like, at the end of a phone call or before be and feels like more of a habit than a statement. And then I get all "how can you say you love me when you don't even seem to care that I was up 4 times with our baby last night and you never even said "wow that sucks"?!?!" He's never going to be the type to say super mushy stuff, which is fine. But that means it is way more important for him to say to me "sorry you had a rough night with LO, you're a good mom." or "wow you got a lot done today, the house looks great!" or when he puts gas in my car to save me from having to do it. But that's something I need to explain to him... again and again and again (because after 7 years it is still not his habit to do or say these things without my fishing-- which i refuse to do because then it seems not genuine) haha. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1837232 Tue, 26 Aug 2014 13:37:11 +0000 Boheme 1837232@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: I hear you on a hellish first year. I don't have any great advice or life changing words of wisdom, but I can commiserate for sure. I feel like from your posts our LOs are very similar (sleep? What is sleep?) and we spent so much of his first year just trying to keep from drowning, its like "Now what?" I almost feel like there's still damage to be undone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1837223 Tue, 26 Aug 2014 13:33:45 +0000 blackbird 1837223@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jojogirl, ha touche. I just meant that sometimes that's *all* our conversation is. A simple statement, then we eat our dinner and drink our wine on date night. </p> <p>Do you know what makes your DH feel loved? Maybe if you slathered it on him, he would feel reciprocal and it would help break the cycle instead of you both feeling in a rut. I know I tend to be the sulk-y one out of the two of us. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1837217 Tue, 26 Aug 2014 13:31:28 +0000 JoJoGirl 1837217@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: If part of our conversations are "I love you so much", this thread would not exist ;) </p> <p>@Mae: I guess I"m the same way? I asked DH this weekend after a big fight if he loves me and he said yes, but that's kind of been it recently.. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/whats-your-normal/page/2#post-1837214 Tue, 26 Aug 2014 13:29:34 +0000 blackbird 1837214@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yeah...totally agree with the PP's. A lot of our "deep talks" surround circumstances. Lately, it's been a lot of talk about what we want our lives to look like and what would make me happy, since i'm thinking about going back to school. And it's a "big" conversation. But if nothing is "going on", you can't force a conversation! And sometimes our conversation *is* just about "how cute our baby is, i love her so much, i love you so much"....and then sometimes i want to throw up :wink: </p> <p>One of my love languages is "tasks". I show my love by "doing" things for DH and I feel loved the most by him doing things for me that help me out and help take care of me and make our life go smoothly. So for me, Acts of Service are the way to go and make me feel loved regularly. Being kind just generally goes a long way. And i think this is one of those areas you have to really work at. Sometimes, no, i don't want to fold his clothes. But sometimes i do it to be nice. It nets me kindness in return.</p> <p>eta: DH is a touch and affirmation kind of guy. I have to work really hard at this. It's not easy!!! But it is important. </p>