https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 07 Apr 2026 02:15:45 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little/page/2#post-2471543 Tue, 23 Feb 2016 15:14:17 +0000 hb3233 2471543@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Applesandbananas: @MrsSRS: @gingerbebe: Thanks! I should probably design some "marketing experiments" to figure out how to sell DH on doing chores. I'm sure the presentation of it matters a lot, definitely going to try these strategies.</p> <p>@pwnstar: Thanks! Yes, definitely, I'm going to make it clear that he needs to do more to help then, as growing a baby is making a *major* contribution to the household already.</p> <p>@bluestriped bee: Agreed to the importance of experimenting with different approaches!</p> <p>@winniebee: Thanks for sharing! I think inflexible/long hour schedules make things really tough. It's also the case that DH's job is somewhat less flexible than mine and I think that definitely comes into play. If he has to present at a meeting tomorrow, he really has to finish the analysis for it, and most of his job is about finishing something for the meeting tomorrow. My job has some day to day responsibilities but is more oriented around long-term projects. I work about as many hours, but if there's something around the house that needs to be done, it's less likely that I have an urgent deadline that impedes me from doing it. </p> <p>@stiletto_mom: Thanks, agreed! It never works to talk about these things while in a hot state, but we definitely need to discuss things more. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little/page/2#post-2471019 Tue, 23 Feb 2016 10:53:08 +0000 stiletto_mom 2471019@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I haven't read other posts yet but just wanted to say that you shouldn't have to feel like you need to justify yourself by saying you make equal amounts of money.</p> <p>The division of labour and responsibility is supposed to be even no matter how much you make. It's called being an adult. Being responsible for both yourself and others.</p> <p>I would choose a time when things are good to talk about your concerns about feeling not equal in the partnership. That if things continue this way, it will build resentment. That you want a husband that is both competent and responsible.</p> <p>Start with asking him about his concerns towards to the future. Make a plan together how you can help him achieve that goal.</p> <p>Then tall about your concerns.</p> <p>If he responds defensively, just back off and say "it's ok, we can talk about this later when we've cooled off". Chances are he'll already know he's not pulling his weight and feel personally attacked.</p> <p>Unfortunately, he did not develop these skills growing up, so you are stuck with the task of teaching him</p> <p>Those are basically your options:<br /> Teach him adult skills or compensate by outsourcing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little/page/2#post-2470980 Tue, 23 Feb 2016 10:34:55 +0000 winniebee 2470980@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I haven't read through the different responses, but here's our situation. </p> <p>My husband is a surgeon and I'm a lawyer, but his schedule and profession has zero flexibility, whereas mine typically does. Before kids, he was in his residency still and I was working full time in a law firm. I did most everything around the house because he worked more hours than me, including weekends. When we had kids, I reduced my hours a little, then eventually stayed home for a few years while he finished residency and fellowship. Now we have 2 kids and he's in private practice and I work part time (3 days a week). He works anywhere from 60-100 hours a week. Last weekend he was home for a total of 3 hours from Saturday morning until Sunday at 5, which includes Saturday night! So that's our background. The reality is that I do pretty much everything around the house and I'm the first line of defense for the kids. I handle the finances. The insurance. Anything relating to the house. Our car registration. Family gifts. You name it. Now, when he is home, he chips in with cooking and clean up from dinner and he is great with the kids and is hands on. But he still asks me stuff like "what time should he take a nap? what do you want them to wear." He's good about house projects, will happily run any errands I need him to run (but needs to be TOLD to run the errands), but is terrible about picking up after himself. He hasn't done a load of laundry in years. I't's just our life, and I accepted it going into our marriage and life with kids. It has nothing to do with money though...just has to do with the fact that I have job flexibility and he's just just not home all that much. Since he works so much, I don't work full time and we have a nanny for the days I work, who we pay well enough that she's willing to do errands and housework. We outsource most anything we can. He never criticizes if I spend money on stuff like that. It's my sanity.</p> <p>Not sure how helpful this is, but it is what it is. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little/page/2#post-2470971 Tue, 23 Feb 2016 10:32:46 +0000 BSB 2470971@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH has a medical condition so there are times he gets nothing done because he is having a rough day. I'll admit to get him to take on more responsibilities (on his good days), we had to fight and I had to cry to show him how overwhelmed I was. This was pre-baby. We took 3 years to have the twins (thanks to IF :meh: ), so we definitely had time to work on our household balance. Now that the twins are here, he has really stepped up. He is a SAHD, though. There are certainly things that can't be forgotten or put off when you have twins.</p> <p>I have learned that I need different incentives to do things and he has others. Trying to give him responsibilities that work with his strengths has helped a lot. Trying different ways to remind him. Just like I'm learning lessons, he is too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little/page/2#post-2470784 Tue, 23 Feb 2016 09:05:19 +0000 pwnstar 2470784@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Expecting a change is unrealistic. Doing it all is hard. Beyond what you think hard is now. And it's not just having a baby that's the game changer, pregnancy is a game changer too (people tend to forget that part). So it's not just what happens after you have the baby, but also what happens during your pregnancy. Having a great relationship with someone isn't enough. You need a partner. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little/page/2#post-2470703 Tue, 23 Feb 2016 07:06:16 +0000 ValentineMommy 2470703@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My DH probably does more to help with the kids than around the house.</p> <p>He's never been very involved in housework. He does the dishes (sometimes) and takes out the trash. He does his own laundry. That's about it.</p> <p>I am the breadwinner, do 98% of the housework, and do the vast majority of kid stuff. Dh DOES do night duty with the kids (even as infants) though, so that helps a lot.....</p> <p>But yea, it didn't really change once we had kids. The disparity became even more noticeable. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little/page/2#post-2470627 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 23:05:22 +0000 gingerbebe 2470627@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Along these lines, one thing we have implemented is the word "help." It's more polite and less naggy. I will go to DH and just say "I need help." And he will say "okay, how can I help?" And then I will ask him to do something. As a result DH has also trained himself to ask me "how can I help?" when he sees me doing chores or before he goes off to do something in the evening, like working in his office, because once his focus is turned there, he won't want to be disturbed. He will ask and I will give him a specific task and then he will come back after its done and say "how else can I help?" And we do this back and forth until whatever I want done is complete and then he will say "okay, I'm going to work in my office now." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little/page/2#post-2470581 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 21:36:20 +0000 MrsSRS 2470581@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh yes this is super effective! I do a similar thing. Something like "would you like to change the baby's diaper or unload the dishwasher?" "Would you like to take the toddler outside or vacuum the living room?" "I'm getting dinner ready. Would you like to make the salad or saute the veggies?" Etc. I do this All.The.Time. And it gets rueful compliance every time, because the only other alternative is to say no and look like a jerk! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little/page/2#post-2470530 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 20:31:32 +0000 Applesandbananas 2470530@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hb3233: I love the "you do this, I'll do that" approach :) I usually pull this one out for tasks that are really hard to do with a toddler underfoot (like the floors) and tell DH "LO and I are going to X, we'll be gone for 2 hours (or whatever), please run the floor cleaner while we are gone." It's something that takes 20 minutes and then he gets a ton of downtime afterward. It doesn't have a 100% success rate, but it can be pretty effective. It also helps with some of that tit for tat mentality. We've really struggled with household balance and it constantly evolves. When LO was nursing, it was challenging to have a 50/50 split, same with mat leave, and then I worked part time, etc., so it just constantly evolves. Sometimes things are good, sometimes they suck, but I think that's true for everything about marriage. Follow your heart. If this is the man you've chosen to spend your life with and want to have a family with him, go for it, but know that even the best of marriages come with their own struggles. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little/page/2#post-2470508 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 20:19:11 +0000 PawPrints 2470508@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hb3233: Awesome! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little/page/2#post-2470500 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 20:14:47 +0000 hb3233 2470500@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PawPrints: I tried the "you do this while I do that" approach tonight and it actually worked! Great idea - thank you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2470445 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 18:28:53 +0000 hb3233 2470445@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ms.Badger: Wow, awesome story! It definitely gives hope :wink: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2470434 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 18:07:28 +0000 Ms.Badger 2470434@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I, like many here, have a husband that I wish would help more around the house. I tried it all, asking him to do things, nagging him to do things, praising all the things he did, giving him "chores".... it would all leave me frustrated with him not helping "enough" and I would get mad and it all just sucked. I decided I can just do it and that's fine (he's an awesome dad and will gladly entertain J for hours while I clean, take him out of the house, etc). </p> <p>I consciously made a decision to be happy and not get mad at him and, like magic, he's helping around the house so much more. He's cleaning the kitchen and doing the dishes, he's making amazing dinners and running to the store for what we need. He really doesn't respond well to being criticized so I just keep telling him how happy I am and how much his help means to me and hopefully it keeps on coming </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2470426 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 17:56:27 +0000 hb3233 2470426@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Raindrop: Thanks, this is super encouraging!</p> <p>@daniellemybelle: Thanks! It definitely seems worth making the effort.</p> <p>@BrandNewMom: I'm really sorry - this sounds like a very rough situation. :sad: I don't have much insight, but really hope that things improve soon. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2470416 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 17:42:16 +0000 BrandNewMom 2470416@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have a darker story. My husband was 100% hands off in taking care of the home, but 100% all about working his 70 hope weeks and managing our finances. I have always done 100% of everything domestic. All cooking, cleaning, etc was done by me, even when I was also working 55-75 hours a week (I made 75% less)<br /> When we were TTC, we said that I would do all the childcare plus my current responsibilities, and he was basically going to be a 1950s Dad who was there on the weekends and said hi when he walked in the door during the week.<br /> Foolishly, I thought that would be fine. Obviously things got completely off the rails, he changed 3 diapers in 6 months and less than 10 diapers in her two years of life. He refuses to watch her even just so I can cook dinner. When she was a newborn he wouldn't even hold her except for pictures to be taken.<br /> I had no idea how hard it was going to be basically alone. Or the resentment I would feel being told dinner is boring and repetitive and that the house is never clean enough while he leaves dirty dishes on the counter and watches TV while I raise the baby.<br /> He swears he will participate more when she's older, but when exactly is that?! I've begged him for additional help, but he's willfully useless "She doesn't want me, she loves you more." I've begged him to come to counseling, but he thinks all our problems are in my head.<br /> So before you sign up for doing 100%, think long and hard about the psychological toll of watching someone you love ignore the best part of your life. It literally hurts that he doesn't appear to care about her unless he gets to post it on Facebook.<br /> And he swore he would participate in parenting on the weekends. We get one family activity he participates in a week is frequently grocery shopping. The rest of the time he is irritated with her/us.<br /> I just don't ever want anyone to get sick where I am, intermittently despising my husband. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2470379 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 16:57:32 +0000 daniellemybelle 2470379@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hb3233: You know, finding a good counselor is definitely hard work. We have seen a few! But for us, even the process of going to counseling really helped our relationship even when the counseling session was meh. I would encourage you to try to find a good fit (better than the one you know of!) even though I totally understand what you are saying. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2470373 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 16:53:26 +0000 Raindrop 2470373@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think my husband was as bad but I know how you feel. I was worried too. The thing is I am a details person and so household stuff bothered me and finances bother me. I have spreadsheets about everything. Dh doesn't care about a lot of stuff I do and he just feels things will work out. I was worried if he didn't worry about this how will he be with kids?</p> <p>Having kids was amazing for us. DH really stepped it up! It was a lot easier for him to take care and deal with kids than to do household or finance stuff. All my worry was for not.</p> <p>He is an amazing dad. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2470370 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 16:51:11 +0000 hb3233 2470370@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you everyone, this is super, super helpful and encouraging! </p> <p>@JenGirl: Thank you, these are super helpful suggestions! I agree that I definitely need to be more proactive and have these conversations now. </p> <p>@irene: Thanks, yes I think it is true that DH tends to be more creative i.e. he really likes playing music, etc, and these are things that can be huge assets as a parent. I should definitely not forget the positive side. </p> <p>@Autumnmama79: I've talked with him about it, though I'm not sure he fully internalizes how much work kids can be since he is an only child and has never been much around kids. I'm sure I underestimate how much work it will be too, but I did work for awhile for a childcare center and spent a lot of time caring for a much younger sibling, so I think I am a bit more alert to how much work kids can be. </p> <p>@Cherrybee: Thanks, this is encouraging and I completely agree. Sleep deprived at 3 am is never a good time to resolve anything. It definitely inspires me to have this conversation more now, even if things are going to have to be renegotiated in the future at least we get into that mindset. </p> <p>@ShootingStar: Thank you! I definitely think I should try experimenting with assigned chores again, and be more persistent about it being important to me. </p> <p>@T.H.O.U.: Thank you, this is super encouraging!</p> <p>@travellingbee: Thanks, again, this is very encouraging. I can deal with socks all over the floor (the places I manage to find them is actually kind of amusing!) and messy counters and all of that if the more important things are there. I definitely need to try specific tasks again, and work on a way to make this an ingrained habit for both of us. </p> <p>@macintosh: wow, huge admiration. I think this is really amazing, and I hope I would be able to step it up in the same way if the need were to arise. </p> <p>@Greentea: Thank you! I definitely need to try harder to make specific jobs a routine. If routine can work for exercising, hopefully it can for housework too! </p> <p>@Eko: I hear you on the laundry, exactly our situation :wink: That he completely stepped up is really encouraging. </p> <p>@Ms maths: Thank you! I really hope we can get to a similar balance.</p> <p>@looch: Thanks, yes, I agree. I definitely need to think about what's most important and emphasize that. Just asking him to do stuff doesn't really work, but I think as others have suggested I can try to be more creative about establishing routines where there's habits built around doing certain tasks, prioritizing what's most important. </p> <p>@SweetiePie: Thank you, this is really helpful. I think we could easily have a very similar situation. DH doesn't have much experience with children and being around small children makes him pretty nervous just because he doesn't know quite what to do. I know it's impossible to know quite what it's like or to fully realize everything that has to be done before having kids, but this definitely inspires me to be specific about what I need and to at least try to have this conversation in depth beforehand, with the recognition that it may still take us awhile to hit our stride and get the balance right. It's really encouraging that it was possible for you to find this balance eventually.</p> <p>@bakingdoodle: Yup, totally sympathize. In the cases where I've given up nagging him to do something I really couldn't do by myself and just hired someone to help, it's really been the best use of my money! I could probably settle for the house looking like it had been hit by a tornado, if it meant that he stayed home with the sick kid!</p> <p>@catomd00: Thanks, this is encouraging. I agree I definitely need to be more proactive about it. I'm sure at least half the reason for our division of labor is that on any given day, it is easier to just do something myself than to try to change someone else's habits, but all the comments are really inspiring me to step it up on the latter. </p> <p>@Modern Daisy: Thanks, yeah, I have mostly male colleagues and notice that many of them react similarly to an infant and feel that it's the worst/most tedious stage. At least I guess this phase is relatively short in the grand scheme of things...</p> <p>@sarac: I hear you on the "not seeing the mess" excuse. I also heard this one a couple of times from roommates before DH, very convenient :wink: It's super great that your DH stepped up after kids. </p> <p>@PawPrints: Thank you, this is super helpful! That was a great idea to sit down and discuss before marriage. I'm sure we should have done that, but better late than never... I agree about the importance of being strategic, I need to figure out a way to make it just the norm, as nagging alone doesn't really work. And be sure to communicate in a clear way when the balance isn't working.</p> <p>@daniellemybelle: Thank you, this is really encouraging. Do you mind if I ask, was it hard to find a counselor who matched your relationship philosophy? The only one I know IRL sees the role of counseling as helping women to be submissive, as God intended, not really my cup of tea, but I live in an urban area and I'm sure I just need to make the effort to find someone who would share our values to a greater extent. Presumably there's info on this somewhere online... </p> <p>@smocks: Thanks, this is great advice, agree that communicating about expectations is key. </p> <p>@gingerbebe: Thanks, this is really helpful. Your husband sounds a lot like mine, who I also think is much better than I am at focusing on one thing at a time. It's really great that you've been able to strike such a good balance. I definitely need to work harder at making this happen. </p> <p>So much great advice! Now I need to go and actually execute some of it :wink: Thank you!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2470185 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 14:10:36 +0000 gingerbebe 2470185@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Long story short, my husband is amazing and wonderful and a fantastic father and an extremely hard worker. </p> <p>He is also a slob and forgetful. His bachelor pad was absolutely a hoarder biohazard situation. He went from his mother's house where she did everything to a military academy where they just wore uniforms and ate at the cafeteria so when he became an adult with his own place, he had no idea how to deal with household chores. At some point he hired a cleaning lady but not often enough and he constantly lost things in the mess and bought multiples of everything. Ate out every night, etc.</p> <p>But I also know he works very hard and basically uses his brainpower focusing on discreet tasks one at a time. He isn't going to remember a million tasks at once like I do and he isn't a natural multitasker, but his concentration levels beat mine every day.</p> <p>What we have done at every new stage of our relationship is assign specific tasks to each other. We did this when we got married, each time we moved to a bigger place, when we had a baby, when one of us started a new or more time consuming job, when our schedules changed, etc. We talked about what each was willing to do and not do and outsourced the rest. And those are our chores until we renegotiate. If something doesn't get done, then we know who's responsible.</p> <p>So before baby, DH was in charge of all bills and finances - he basically sat down one day and set up Mint, autopay for our bills, and hired a CPA to handle our taxes. We confer monthly about our budget and large expenditures and check in once a week about our balances. (I know what our large bills are and I'll ask if they have cleared yet, etc). If a bill comes, he knows he's in charge and handles it. </p> <p>He also sets up the coffee, does the garbage, vacuums, and historically has done most of the laundry. Dishes via dishwasher. Handles all electronics and telecom stuff in the house. The stuff I want done daily he knows he shouldn't come to bed until it's done.</p> <p>I do cooking, all shopping, meal planning, bathrooms, dusting, floors, laundry and dishes as needed, and basic home repairs.</p> <p>Neither of us do lawn maintenance, car maintenance, or major repairs. We get warranties for our appliances and have regular service packages for our cars and pest control at the house and HVAC stuff, etc. We pay our accountant a lot of money to do taxes, bookkeeping, etc.</p> <p>One area I have tried to let go completely is DH's office. It's gross and we keep the door shut/locked so our son can't get in there and we get around to cleaning it every few months after we can't find something important and I lose it, but otherwise I just forget about it.</p> <p>When we had our first child at first it was chaos but we once again set up specific tasks. DH woke up with DS in the mornings, took first and last feedings by bottle, washed all the bottles and pump parts every night. He did any diapers he was around to change. As DS got on a nap schedule, DH put him down or got him up from any nap he was home for.</p> <p>Now at 18 months he wakes up and has breakfast with DS every morning and does bath and bedtime routine with our son just about every night. It's helped us with parental preference (so far DS has none). He also drops off and picks up DS from daycare on specific days and in exchange I have all the daycare bags and DS' meals prepped and ready in advance. </p> <p>With LO2 on the way we are again assigning tasks. Since DS typically STTN, DH is in charge of any toddler night wakings going forward. He will also probably have the same kind of newborn responsibilities he had with DS. We will likely hire a housecleaner twice a month to take more cleaning off our plate. </p> <p>So you might want to try that sort of thing. I know DH would forget to call a contractor but he WOULD be at home to let the guy in and pay him. So we always do that - I will call and set up the appointment for when DH is home using our shared Google calendar, set it to alert him on his phone, and remind him the day before. Or I would hire the service but have them call DH to set up the time. That way I don't have to deal with sitting around for the guy and the task gets handled. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2470174 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 13:59:12 +0000 smocks 2470174@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think a lot of it has to do with expectations, and it is vastly different for each relationship. For our relationship, he is extremely motivated OUTSIDE the home and has a substantially larger earning potential than I ever will. That sort of shapes our expectations. I have a great job and currently out-earn him, but that will be changing in a few years. I take care of… I would venture to say 95% of the housework, 100% of all financial responsibilities, and 90% of the parenting duties. But, he works a ton more hours than me, studies a lot in his downtime, and has a physically and emotionally straining job whereas I sit at a desk all day, can be on my phone, can grocery shop during my lunch, and have a lot more flexibility at my job.</p> <p>We go through periods where I loathe how little he is doing (which is exacerbated if he’s playing video games in his downtime – his relaxation tool), to where we are in sync and we just get in a good routine. He was upfront with me saying that he isn’t really a “baby” person, and he has lived up to that. He doesn’t go out of his way to hold our kids as babies, doesn’t do any of the maintenance and daily things they require. But he is definitely getting better as they get older (our oldest is 3), and I know it will continue to get better as they get involved in school and sports stuff (he was a HS and collegiate athlete and wants to be involved and supportive of all that).</p> <p>Seriously, it’s about managing expectations. If you expect him to do the dishes nightly, he needs to know that. You can’t expect someone to read your mind, and if you two have different thresholds for cleanliness in your home, there is a disconnect that can be addressed by nagging, hiring it out, picking up the slack, or lowering your threshold. We lowered the cleanliness threshold, and plan to hire it out when we can afford it as a sanity-saver. If they’re not spending the QT with the kids that you think they should, speak up and delegate an activity (fun bath time, go to park, go to store for these items, etc). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2470047 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 12:20:04 +0000 JenGirl 2470047@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think this can work, but you need to be proactive. Have a serious conversation with him about the parenting that he will need to do for you to be comfortable TTC. I doubt there's going to be a huge improvement in his help around the house, but that doesn't mean he won't contribute to the parenting. And, at times, that may mean that he needs to take on more parenting responsibilities, since you're also going to be maintaining the house. And continue to hire out what you can (our life has been so much better since we decided to hire out lawn care and cleaning).</p> <p>I totally agree that you need to set high expectations early on. While I was pregnant, I often told my husband that once baby was here I had two jobs - Heal and feed the baby. He was in charge of everything else. Some things that helped establish this were<br /> 1) He is in charge of diapers. Not that I never change them, but he does the majority.<br /> 2) The bassinet went on his side of the bed. When baby woke up in the middle of the night, he would change his diaper and bring him to me to nurse. I took things over later, but I think this was good in the beginning, if only for my sanity.<br /> 3) Shortly after our son started taking a bottle (we started working on it at 4 weeks and he was good at it by 6 weeks) my husband started putting him to bed at least a couple nights per week.<br /> 4) We made a ton of freezer meals, so it was easy to just thaw and heat up. Not a long term solution, but got us through the newborn period.<br /> 5) Most importantly - let him do things his way. Even if it's not how you would do it. Unless he's doing something really unsafe, try to let him become confident in caring for the baby. The best thing for this was that my husband stayed home with the baby when I returned to work and it really made him more confident. Even if it's just a week, it really helps. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2470010 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 11:50:54 +0000 irene 2470010@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I didn't read any other comments.... but in a way, I am more like your husband, and you are more like mine. As in, I don't really care about taxes, dishes....etc. and he gets upset at me because to him those are very basic things you must do in life. </p> <p>May I ask if your husband is more like the creative artistic free-spirit type?</p> <p>I said that because there is a chance that he would indeed help out on your baby when the baby arrives. </p> <p>For me I really didn't care or understand the magnitude of taxes, it hurts my brain. I don't get investing, planning for retirement, getting insurance claims...etc. I just procrastinate and avoid that. However, I am more nurturing and I do tend to do more with my LO. I seek out fun things to do together. It is in my face, I love doing things with him. So that's a thought.</p> <p>Another thing is, I am a tad bit worried that your husband may not be as interested in doing things such as disciplining the child, planning out education / seeking out school...etc. </p> <p>Bottomline is, I'd have to prepare yourself for "single parenthood" if I were you. Don't count on him on night time wake ups, help outs, change diaper, dealing with stomach bugs / puking in the middle of the night, dealing with midnight 104F fever, housework, tax benefits....etc. So if anything your husband does it is extra :) Good luck my dear.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2470000 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 11:47:19 +0000 Autumnmama79 2470000@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hb3233: is hubs aware that starting a family/having a baby will be lots of work and place demands in his time? Have you guys had that convo? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2469919 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 10:47:39 +0000 Cherrybee 2469919@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have a success story in that my husband completely turned around after the birth of our first child..... but...... it wasn't a magical transformation, it was a long, hard road along which we both had a lot to learn and both had to compromise. I kind of wish id resolved the issues before we had a baby, but it didn't seem so pressing then; I enjoyed being the nartyr, I guess. Once there's a baby in the mix, you simply cant do it alone - but resolving any issues when you've been up all night with a baby is not pretty at all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2469912 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 10:36:52 +0000 ShootingStar 2469912@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm usually more like the husband in these scenarios :silly: . My DH LOVES to be productive. Me on the other hand, I love sitting on the couch watching tv, lol. I hate housework and would far rather pay someone to do the things I have no interest in doing.</p> <p>But when DS came there are things I just have to do. As a newborn I did almost all the feedings, I take care of his laundry, and I solo in the mornings. </p> <p>I think it helps for both DH and I that we pretty much have "assigned" chores. DH does the yard work and takes out the garbage, and he makes DS's lunch and puts it in the fridge. He also does the dishes. I do most of the cooking (though sometimes he has to pick up the slack with that because I'm pregnant and sometimes dealing with nausea or exhaustion). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2469910 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 10:36:03 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2469910@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I used to have some of these worries before we had kids, but always knew my husband was a hard worker. Thankfully he has 100% stepped up and probably does more work than me around the house. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2469900 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 10:29:24 +0000 travellingbee 2469900@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Greentea: yes to specific jobs. He doesn't noticed things needing to be done but if he has a job he will do it. He always does dishes and bath time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2469899 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 10:27:56 +0000 travellingbee 2469899@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My DH does not contribute evenly to taking care of household things but he is a very involved parent. I could never complain about that! He is very capable and does at least 50% of childcare. He will always be bad about doing house chores though. He'll do the dishes and occasionally a load of laundry. That's it. He leaves stuff everywhere, never puts away food or wipes the counter, leaves clothes on the floor, etc. BUT he is a great dad. I can deal with that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2469890 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 10:21:27 +0000 macintosh 2469890@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My perspective is different because DH really can't help because of his disability. In fact, I take care of him and our son. I prepare all meals, wash all dishes, change all the diapers, take out all the trash, do all the laundry (except when the babysitter does it). If my DH could help more he would. Being a caregiver and mom is HARD. If my husband was simply lazy or unmotivated to help, that would not fly with me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-dh-does-very-little#post-2469860 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 10:01:53 +0000 Greentea 2469860@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>To reiterate, my husband "tuned" all things house out prior to LO. It helped him to have specific "jobs" to do (he does garbage, the dog, bath time, for example). I also am NOT domestic. Of course we stepped up! There may be an adjustment period, but lots of potential. </p>