Hellobee Boards Topic: When to cut family members off

Hellobee Boards Topic: When to cut family members off https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 09 Apr 2026 16:16:22 +0000 cake2017 on "When to cut family members off" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-to-cut-family-members-off#post-2928289 Sat, 24 Jun 2023 20:40:56 +0000 cake2017 2928289@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @erinbaderin: This is tough and I am sorry you are dealing with this! Especially your children who don’t quite understand and just want to spend time with them. 90 min flight from you- the half brother? I mean they could just stop in for a week and go back to him but it doesn’t seem to be a priority. We wouldn’t reach out anymore. If they do then I would go from there. Like you said, you all are not a priority and that is very sad. They will regret this. karenbme on "When to cut family members off" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-to-cut-family-members-off#post-2928288 Thu, 22 Jun 2023 14:04:47 +0000 karenbme 2928288@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @erinbaderin: I’m in a similar position with my dad and stepmom where we are clearly not the priority and they are unreliable for anything that isn’t exactly what they want to do. I’m fine initiating phone calls but I don’t rely on them or change plans for them ever, and don’t tell my daughter about any visits until a few days before just in case. It’s not really cutting off, but more like keeping at arm’s length for my/my kids’ benefit. I’m not going to lie making the decision was sad and every time they show their priorities it still hurts a little, but it’s what’s best for us, and there are plenty of people in my life and my kids lives who love us without reservation. pachamama on "When to cut family members off" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-to-cut-family-members-off#post-2928287 Thu, 22 Jun 2023 04:22:15 +0000 pachamama 2928287@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I can really empathize. My sister AND BIL are similar and it kills me to see my kids not have a close relationship with their cousins because frankly, they do not prioritize us. But at least, like your in-laws, they live far away so it would be hard to be close anyway. You were very kind to plan your summer basically around them. I'm guessing they probably did not even realize all your efforts. I used to do this too but I realized people, even family, can be unreliable and have different priorities. How can they not want to see our kids?! It hurts me!! So I plan my family's life and try my best to be flexible about visits but it's a "I'll do me, you do you" situation. I realized you can't make people prioritize your family (which breaks the heart a little). My approach now is getting close with friends and cousins we have close to us that my kids AND I love and prioritize. Family is not always blood. My 2nd cousin and I are super close and our kids love each other and that's better than stressing over my BIL's annual visit. If that makes sense. TLDR: you do you; sometimes "family" can be friends around you who love and value you and your time erinbaderin on "When to cut family members off" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-to-cut-family-members-off#post-2928276 Thu, 15 Jun 2023 15:58:13 +0000 erinbaderin 2928276@https://boards.hellobee.com/ No, I don't mean literally refuse all forms of communication with them forever. That being said, if we stop reaching out I'm not sure when we'll hear from them again - we are the only ones who ever reach out. So I guess what I actually mean is should we just stop trying which, at this point, kind of feels like the same thing, based on our past experience of how much effort they put into the relationship. ElbieKay on "When to cut family members off" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-to-cut-family-members-off#post-2928275 Thu, 15 Jun 2023 13:21:43 +0000 ElbieKay 2928275@https://boards.hellobee.com/ What do you mean by "cut off"? Literally refuse all future communication forever? I agree that it's reasonable for you to feel hurt, but I think people usually cut off family for more drastic reasons like addiction, narcissistic behavior, financial draining, abusive behavior. In this case, I think you should just cool off your communication with them. Leave it to them to reach out. Refuse to make plans unless they have actually booked plane tickets. Draw firmer boundaries, stick to the boundaries, and force yourself to have zero expectations of them. Don't bother airing your grievances about this visit because it will just make them defensive and you won't get what you are looking for from the conversation. So for instance, next time they want to make plans to visit you, explain your logistics and then just proceed with your life as usual unless/until they make a commitment. Or just say no. In the example above, this would mean giving them a deadline after which you will commit to camps for your kids and either withdraw your invitation or make it clear that your kids won't be around during the day when they visit. But that is different from blocking them from all forms of communication and acting as though they don't exist. They sound inconsiderate and like they are playing favorites. That sucks. You sound understandably butthurt about it. But I don't think you're at the stage where you should go nuclear based on what you wrote here. catgirl on "When to cut family members off" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-to-cut-family-members-off#post-2928274 Thu, 15 Jun 2023 12:13:18 +0000 catgirl 2928274@https://boards.hellobee.com/ So I have been trying to write a response for awhile because I have a lot of thoughts. My first thing, which may or may not matter, is that it can be possible to have a good relationship with relatives that live far away and you don't see regularly. My maternal grandfather lived in a Middle Eastern Country my entire life. I only met home twice - once when I was 5 and again at 17. He wasn't able to travel out of his country, for a variety of reasons, and it was not always considered safe for us to travel to him. BUT I was incredibly close to him! We talked on the phone at least twice a week from when I was 4 until he died when I was 22, which was challenging with our time difference. For the last few years one of my younger relatives would help him do a video call with me for one of the calls. I honestly felt closer to him than my other grandparents. But this is only important if the adults, in your case your in laws, would put in the effort. I just like to point out that distance alone doesn't have to mean no relationship. Now aside from that, I am all for cutting off people (relatives or others) that cause more harm to yourself or your kids. I didn't speak to my dad and stepmom for years when I was a teenager/early 20s because once they had kids they made it very clear where I landed. I was not going to continue to be hurt by them. When my DD was born we started rebuilding a relationship but i made it very clear that if my stepmom pulled anything like she did when I was a teenager that we would be done for good. I was not going to let them make my child feel unwanted. Things have been awkward but manageable since that talk. For many years I just let them always initiate things, that way I was not let down. As DD has gotten older she will now ask to reach out to them but them seem to always respond directly to her. I do not regret the time I did not speak to them, it was absolutely the right thing to do at the time. I am also happy that my DD is building a relationship with them now. We have not cut my in laws off (DH's mom and stepdad) but we have had to distance ourselves and really be careful with what we agree to do with them. DH has always been treated as the black sheep while his younger brother is catered to (even though his life has been a hot mess). And DH's step siblings are also treated differently. DH and his mom had a huge blow out leading up to Christmas and they didn't talk until April (I think?). I stayed out of it and was very careful about what I said to DH because I knew even if he moved on, he would always remember if I said something negative. He has only spoken to his brother a couple of times since then but not sure if his brother has even noticed. If not for DD I think DH would be done with them but he is trying to maintain something for DD. But we never tell DD about plans with them until they are literally about to happen to lower the risk of her being let down by them. I'm realizing that none of this is really helpful. But I guess, just to say family things are complicated. I believe you are allowed to put your nuclear family first. If that means cutting them off, then do that. If it means altering how and when you interact with them, that's also an option. I do believe an honest conversation with them before making a final choice would be helpful but as you said, it's his family and the choice is really his. erinbaderin on "When to cut family members off" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-to-cut-family-members-off#post-2928273 Thu, 15 Jun 2023 09:50:46 +0000 erinbaderin 2928273@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I'm hoping some people still check in here, because I could use some unbiased opinions about if I'm reading a situation correctly, and advice going forward. So here it is: We have two boys, 7 and 9. My in-laws (husband's dad/stepmom) live in England. They have two other sons, who are my husband's half-brothers - #1 lives in a US state that's about a 90 minute flight from us, #2 lives in England. We didn't see the in-laws from 2019-2022 because of the pandemic, they visited last year (2022) and stayed with us for a few week. That was their third visit since my younger son was born (which is to say, they've met him three times in his life). For about the last six months, they've been talking about coming to visit this summer. At first they couldn't commit to a date because #1 was going to be in England for an event and they wanted to be there when he was. This made things like booking summer camps pretty tricky, but I tried to space out their camp weeks and off-weeks to try to maximize the chance that we'd have some dedicated time with them. Then the event got scheduled for the end of August, great! So they say that #1 is buying a house that closes at the end of June. They'll travel to him, stay until he gets the house, come to us for a visit, then go back to him for a few weeks, because it's easier to book round trip tickets. All in, they're in North America for five weeks. They tell us they'll come to us around July 2 and stay for two weeks. Cool, great, this actually works out perfectly because my kids finish school June 30 and don't have any camps booked for the week of the 3-7! I book a week off work. They insist they can't actually book their tickets to us until they arrive in the US for reasons that do not make sense to us but whatever. Then they come back and say that actually, #1's wife's parents are having a Fourth of July party, so they'll come to us on the 6th or 7th, and that now they'll only have time to stay for 10 days instead of two weeks. We point out that that means they miss the entire week of time we all have off, and they'll be here for 10 days during which the kids are at (expensive, specialized) camps all day and it would actually be much better if they could come on the 2nd as they originally said. Then they come back and say that last minute flights are really expensive from this city to ours, and 10 days isn't really enough for a good visit, so maybe they won't come, they'll just come for a month next summer. We push back, find some semi-reasonably priced flights, say that if they come on the 2nd and stay for two weeks that's a good length of visit, and that a lot of things could happen between now and next summer. They come back and say look, this trip was always about #1 getting his first house, it's a major life event, and they were always only going to "fit us in if there was time" (that is, indeed, a quote), that five weeks isn't long enough to visit us both, so they're not coming. So....I feel like I'm done. I've always felt like we were the second tier family, they've always focused way more time and resources on their two sons, and this just feels like being blatantly told "His new house is more important than seeing our grandchildren". The kids are disappointed because they thought they'd be seeing their grandparents in two weeks. I'm disappointed because I genuinely love these people and was looking forward to seeing them! And I just can't believe that somebody would casually toss off spending time with their grandchildren while they're young, and I don't want to put my kids in a place to be let down again. Thoughts? Help? My husband is fully done, I half feel that we should tell them plainly how we feel - that being said, they're his family and he has to take the lead. But also I might be too close to this.