https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 10 May 2026 06:45:42 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2130161 Thu, 02 Apr 2015 08:45:28 +0000 kiddosc 2130161@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: @MrsH: @Adira: @Chuckles: @wonderstruck: Thank you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2130131 Thu, 02 Apr 2015 08:28:25 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 2130131@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Looks like I should read through the whole thread before commenting. I'll leave this up for anyone else who might need it.</p> <p>@kiddosc: I too worked really hard to accept my partner's decision to be done. We discussed it for a long time and then when I realized it wasn't going to happen, I worked really hard on coming to terms with it. I guess that was the middle ground, because here I am with a six week old on my chest (feeling very complete).</p> <p>When Mr jacks looks back he says he is so glad I kept the dialog open, because he is so happy we went for it. He acknowledges that he was afraid of change but that deep down his heart really wanted this too... But he never would have done it if we didn't have such an open dialog going around it. I think it helped him to see that I really tried to get on board with his position as much as I encouraged him to see mine. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2130096 Thu, 02 Apr 2015 08:00:52 +0000 wonderstruck 2130096@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: Oh, this makes me so happy for you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2129866 Wed, 01 Apr 2015 20:21:56 +0000 Chuckles 2129866@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: so happy for you! That is wonderful news. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2129862 Wed, 01 Apr 2015 20:15:54 +0000 Adira 2129862@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: What a fantastic update!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2129811 Wed, 01 Apr 2015 19:27:26 +0000 MrsH 2129811@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: great update! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2129794 Wed, 01 Apr 2015 19:10:26 +0000 kiddosc 2129794@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: I'm so sad you are going through this. I know all those feelings you have and they are awful. I really find it helpful to write all my feelings out, so don't feel bad about your novel. I would sometimes just type out my rant and delete it, or save it in my email to remind myself of my points for the next discussion with DH. I really hope you can find a path to happiness. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2129791 Wed, 01 Apr 2015 19:04:19 +0000 mrbee 2129791@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: Wow, congratulations!!! :grin: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2129788 Wed, 01 Apr 2015 19:03:29 +0000 kiddosc 2129788@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It appears I wrote this post one day too early... DH came home last night and gave me a letter he had written, letting me know that he's ready to try for #2. After our conversation this weekend and telling him that I was going to seek counseling he realized just how much it was affecting me. It really made him scrutinize his reasons for not wanting another and if these were reasons he felt strongly enough about to make me so unhappy. In the end, he decided they were not. This has weighed so heavily on me, the sadness of not trying for another and the sadness of being so upset with your spouse. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. :grin: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2129436 Wed, 01 Apr 2015 12:46:17 +0000 Chuckles 2129436@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: thank you for sharing your experience. I can certainly see your SO's (and mine) perspective. And I think part of it for him is that he has 2 siblings who, although we visit them occasionally and like them, he doesn't have much in common with and isn't close to at all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128956 Wed, 01 Apr 2015 06:54:41 +0000 brownie 2128956@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I truly thought I could be one and done for a while but I wasn't. It was a huge struggle and part of the reason our two will be 4 years apart. There was added complications with infertility in our case and treatments. It got to the point that I was pretty miserable and he was miserable with other aspects of his life. Somehow it came up again and we found a path. Not one that we expected to take but one that was successful for us. We are definitely a two kid family (though I would love more I don't need more). And we are both more happy and there are many more changes in store for our life that make it easier. So I have been there. I wasn't sure if it was a deal breaker or not. Sometimes it felt that way and other times it didn't. We did look at counseling (as I mentioned many issues) but didn't make it that far. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128943 Wed, 01 Apr 2015 06:32:09 +0000 looch 2128943@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: Not really, it's been a process...my son is 4 years old and there is not one thing that I can look back on and say, "wow, he really did xyz so easily." I also don't subscribe to siblings=built in best friends. Also, if you ask my son if he wants a brother or a sister, he says no quite firmly. He loves people, so I am not worried about him being alone or lonely.</p> <p>The biggest factor, though, was my husband's real reason. He was 19 months old when his first sister was born, he never remembers a time where he was just a kid, he was always responsible for someone else. My husband was like a third parent and he didn't want that for our son. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128892 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 23:51:27 +0000 ChiCalGoBee 2128892@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there. When I brought up having our first baby my husband, who has known since about our second or third date that I wanted two kids, decided 10 years into the relationship that he wasn't sure he wanted to be a dad at all. It was horrible. I went to counseling and so did he. For him it turned out he had a lot of other things to work on emotionally (mainly related to his own father not being a presence in our lives), and after a good 6 months he came to me and said he was ready. Now that he has our son he is a changed man-he loves his son more than I thought he realized he could love anything! That's not to say we won't have another struggle when trying for #2 comes up in the future (our son is only 4 months old). Like you said, it was important to me that he came to the decision himself, and we're both glad he did.</p> <p>My advice would be to tell him that your son not having a sibling/you not getting the experience to be pregnant again/to have a second child/whatever your reasons are are still there, and you aren't willing to give that up yet. Hopefully he'll come around. Again, so sorry you're going through it-I know how devastating it can be. :crying: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128843 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 21:29:05 +0000 Chuckles 2128843@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: was there something in particular that made you more okay with having just one? like having lots of cousins nearby or something like that? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128841 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 21:27:20 +0000 Chuckles 2128841@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: I'm so sorry to see your post on this because I remember you commenting on the same issue a little while ago. I am in the (almost) exact same situation with my DH. The only difference is that we never fully discussed how many kids to have, just that we wanted to have kids. So it's not the same since he never officially agreed to 2 and is now changing his mind. (though we also never agreed to just have one)<br /> I don't have any advice, just commiseration. I think about this multiple times a day and just feel so distraught about it. Our LO is 21 months, and my DH has been saying for over a year that he feels sure that he only wants one. His reasoning sounds very similar to your DH. He is extremely concerned about having a kid with significant special needs. Most of my career has been spent as a special ed teacher to kids with severe autism (and all the behaviors that go along with it), so my DH is hyper aware of that kind of thing. He also is someone who likes things to be relatively orderly and neat, so having even one kid has been a huge adjustment for him.<br /> I have tried for this whole time to be okay with it, and, intellectually, I completely see the advantages of just having one. But every time I think about the reality of it, it makes me so sad. The other day, the word that came to mind was heartbroken about not having another.<br /> So about a month ago, I decided it was time to officially bring it up with DH. I told him that I've tried for over a year to be okay with just one, but I'm not, so I just asked him to also take a lot of time to think it over and try to be okay with another. Not that I'm expecting him to change his mind quickly, but I just wanted him to know how I felt and to think about it.<br /> And his reaction was *so* misleading at first and gave me so much hope. His first question was whether I want just one more kid or more than that. So, of course, I'm thinking, well when I say that it's just one more, maybe he will say okay. And then he said, if we were going to have another, we should have done it a few months ago because now S is becoming more independent and sleeping really well, so it will be hard to go back to sleepless nights. And I was like, what?! We could have done this months ago?!<br /> But apparently that was just some hypothetical comment because he said that, although he's willing to think about it, he does not see himself changing his mind.<br /> I also don't know how we will possibly move forward since, you're right, it's not like there's a compromise/middle ground.<br /> Thanks for letting me write a novel. It also feels good to get it out :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128825 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 21:07:06 +0000 LML 2128825@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaBehr: I'm anticipating being in that exact situation. I've always, always wanted 4, and DH initially was ok with that, but now he's saying he's definitely done at 3. We only have two right now, so we have some time before we have to really sort out the 3-or-4 issue, but when he first mentioned it, I was devastated.</p> <p>To the OP, I'm very sorry you're going through this, but it sounds like there might still be hope. I think time and counseling is a good idea. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128813 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 20:53:53 +0000 MamaBehr 2128813@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm in the same place, only I'm wanting number 4 and DH is done at 3. I know, that seems like enough children, but I really want a big family because we have no family near us, so my kids only have each other. Right now, we have put it on the backburner. My youngest is 15 months old, and even though we would need to get pregnant now to have the same age gaps of my other kiddos (they are all about 22 months apart), we are just putting it all on hold. </p> <p>It sucks. Oh man it sucks. I agree with you, I don't know how I can get over it if we don't have one more. I just don't know how one moves on from that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128759 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 19:56:52 +0000 Greentea 2128759@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: this is such a big deal. I don't think it is something you just need to get over. it is a life changing thing you agreed on now he changed his mind- I could understand feeling incredibly hurt. I hope you are able to work it out :heart: </p> <p>it is possible he is still adjusting to the move. maybe through talking it out you can find the heart of the issue. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128731 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 19:33:48 +0000 kiddosc 2128731@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: We moved away from his family and the state he grew up in this summer to where I'm from. It was a lot of change for him and when this all initially came up, it made sense that he may still be adapting. That may still be more of an issue than he's admitted. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128555 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 16:39:16 +0000 mrbee 2128555@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: That's such a difficult situation!!</p> <p>I wonder if he's shared his full reasoning - or maybe he's not fully aware of it. The way I see it, he made a specific commitment - and then is backing out of the commitment for kinda vague reasons!</p> <p>I wonder if he is feeling stretched already with house and parenting work, and worried that he'll have to do 50% or more of everything involved with a second kid! That was a concern of a lot of dads I knew who had one kid... but it's a tough point to raise! But if it's a concern like that, that's something that can definitely be addressed! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128527 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 16:18:40 +0000 kiddosc 2128527@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks ladies, if nothing else, it just helps to have a place to vent. I just don't see a path forward right now, how do I mentally "get over" this. I mean, I'll probably get to a place where I am mostly ok with it... but I'm not even able to see the steps to take. I was so sure he'd change his mind that I didn't even really let me mind go to it being reality. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128458 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 15:35:54 +0000 Mama Bird 2128458@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ouch. That quote has me crying. I've been in that exact place and wish I could give you a hug. </p> <p>Maybe I'm not a good mom and my husband had to take on too much of the parenting, or maybe it was the money worries, but my husband also changed his mind after DS was born. It really hurt and I did some very dumb things to prove to him that he's wrong. Life is never simple yes or no though, he eventually changed his mind again, partly for happy reasons (our work situation improved a little) and partly for unhappy reasons that reminded us how precious life is. Now that I'm past that pain and seeing more clearly, I see his point of view a lot better and wish I'd been more patient with him... raising kids is such bone-weary work, and you give up so much, and everyone is sick constantly, and there's an awful lot of crying and negotiating with very irrational toddlers, and we've run out of space but moving is so hard :bummed: </p> <p>In any case, I hope things work out for you oN way or another, and that you find peace with whatever decision you two make. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128319 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 14:17:15 +0000 Mae 2128319@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I"m sorry :( I soooort of get it but I don't feel as strongly as you. Before we had LO we planned on two pretty close together. Then she was a hard newborn and we were both in the "hell no never ever again" camp the first month. Over time I have felt better and better about having a second. Now at 10mo when I think of things in a vacuum, I think that I would probably have a second. I'm scared of the newborn days but I know they pass. And if my DH was on board I think it would be a definite yes. But he has never gotten over our horrible first month and he still isn't adjusted to life with a kid really (I mean, he's happy.. but not fully adjusted). So he's in the "definite no" camp. We've talked about it and I'm sort of leaving it up to him. I don't want to have a kid with someone who doesn't want one. I'd rather have one child and a happy husband than two children and an unhappy husband. We'll keep talking about it but if he never wants another I think I'll be fine. </p> <p>The problem is you don't sound like you will be fine... :( I think the therapist is probably a great idea. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128309 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 14:14:44 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2128309@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think that it sounds in this case like he just might need more time. I know you are already there, but I think the only solution may be for you to wait for him. </p> <p>I am 6 years apart from my sibling. No, we aren't the CLOSEST, but as we get older we get closer and we definitely get along. Gender &amp; personality have more to do with things than age IMO! And mostly only gender because of the specifics of how we were raised. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128308 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 14:14:39 +0000 kiddosc 2128308@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lovehoneybee: Thank you </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128305 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 14:13:16 +0000 lovehoneybee 2128305@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: Yeah, I had the benefit of time, so I didn't push the issue much. I could put the dialogue on hold for months at a time. I think fear is normal. Honestly, I have a lot of the same fears as your husband myself, but I have a mental list of all of the positives that I remind myself of, and they way outnumber the potential negatives, and it gave me enough courage to take the leap. Feel free to wall me if you want to vent or anything. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128293 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 14:06:39 +0000 looch 2128293@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Initially, my husband and I didn't agree, I had wanted more than one, he was done at one. I wouldn't say he "convinced" me to be one and done, but I did change my mind and now our family is complete at 3. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128286 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 14:04:06 +0000 stiletto_mom 2128286@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If it's any consolation, my brother and I are 6 years apart and very close. I have a young cousin about 7 years younger and we are also close.</p> <p>I intend on replicating this age gap with my kids. Your husband may change his mind in time but you definitely need to open a dialogue. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128239 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 13:45:54 +0000 kiddosc 2128239@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lovehoneybee: I was hoping you'd reply, I remember you discussing this after E was born. I just felt so blindsided by it all. We packed up all the baby things and moved them 1200 miles, and then he tells me he doesn't think he wants another! I don't have another 2.5 years to wait. By then, the kids would have such an age gap that I worry they would never really be close. :(</p> <p>He's given a few reasons, mostly I get the impression it boils down to fear. Fear of change, that we wouldn't end up with a healthy/typical child, of managing finances, that he isn't a great dad. He doesn't want to POSSIBLY be bitter about the decision. I understand these fears, I do... but I don't see them as a reason not to do it. It mostly seems like a permanent solution to a temporary problem to me. And the fact is that I AM bitter about this. I love DH so much, and he is an amazing husband/father otherwise, so this just has me feeling lost. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-you-dont-agree-with-so#post-2128225 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 13:38:57 +0000 rachiecakes 2128225@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: I'm sorry :heart: You're taking the right steps.<br /> I think it's like anything that comes up in a marriage, infidelity, substance abuse, etc., - I don't know if it helps to mention that, but it's as serious anything else that interferes and makes you question your marriage.<br /> When I met my husband, we didn't want to have kids. But I was young (19). As time went on, I changed and he hadn't yet. Before my 30th birthday, I had a big heart-to-heart with him, that I couldn't go on if it meant we wouldn't have a child together because experiencing motherhood was something I was no longer willing to give up. By that time he was on board and was hoping for the same, so it turned out well, but had he not been there? I don't think we'd be where we are now. </p>