https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 18 Apr 2026 15:15:12 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830964 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 14:18:29 +0000 ChitownRo 2830964@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So this used to be a huge issue between DH and me. I felt an obligation to care for my mom and felt there was a stigma to assisted living. And my mom didn't really want to move into an assisted living setting. (My mom lives in MI, we live in Chicago)</p> <p>My 60 yo mom has been sick for years. Up until last May, she had mild cognitive impairment and MS; she was slowly declining but lived alone/independently with a few hours of home health aide. </p> <p>When we were house hunting, I was insisting on finding a first floor in law suite. Our agreement was that she could stay with us 4 months of the year (I have two sisters). But, then in May she fell (right as we were house hunting) and it was clear that she couldn't live alone for another day. We needed a solution immediately, so we arranged for assisted living at a Sunrise. We sold it to her as her own mini apartment with the opportunity for community meals/activities etc. I wouldn't say she's 100% happy and wishes she could still live alone, but she does admit that she can't. We also had to tell her that it would be neglectful on our part to let her go home from the hospital without 24/7 care. And 24/7 inhome care was going to be like 15k per month through an agency. (Agency felt necessary bc otherwise private hires aren't reliable, call in and require tons of management). </p> <p>Sunrise is still expensive, so we may have to readdress everything in like 10 years when her savings run out.</p> <p>Now, she will come visit us for like 5 days at a time -- and there is absolutely NO WAY I could care for her and the kids at the same time. Those visits are very stressful - I basically can't leave the house. It's too hard to move her and the kids through a parking lot etc. </p> <p>So, even though I had the best intentions and truly wanted her to live with us (well, felt like I should have her live with us), I now realize I couldn't handle it. </p> <p>Essentially, my advice is that you may have the best intentions and plans, but life is tricky. It's much easier to agree to elder care in concept, execution is difficult.<br /> Definitely do not plan to take care of someone with dementia in your home. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830957 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 13:58:50 +0000 snarkybiochemist 2830957@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@periwinklebee: yea its all complicated and expensive and kind of awful and wow your MIL sounds intense </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830953 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 13:50:29 +0000 periwinklebee 2830953@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@snarkybiochemist: yeah, I had a friend who managed a startup to improve in-home nursing care. It's super expensive, and I think there can be huge issues with reliability, caretakers quitting without notice or being out on very short notice, etc. The same issues you run into with childcare, but I think in general the workforce tends not to be of the same quality... But yeah, my MIL has gone so far as to send us house listings of places where she would like to move in with us, thank goodness my husband shut that one down. So I'm sure she expects it. </p> <p>@Mrs. Carrot: Our situations seem very similar, in-laws who culturally expect it and are older, my parents who are don't want to burden types, and living in a small place...ugh... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830951 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 13:41:48 +0000 psw27 2830951@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh. This stresses myself and DH out so much. We have 6 possible people to deal with - my parents, MIL and SFIL, FIL and SMIL. My dad is too stubborn to ever live with us. My mom I could handle living with us. My MIL I could possibly handle living with us. My SFIL is too stubborn to want to ever live with us. My FIL would love to live with us but I would decline. My SMIL has her own kids but they are not capable of caring for themselves, let alone her so I don't know what would happen. So basically, the hope is that everyone chooses to go to a home - which is ironic because the 2 people who I could tolerate taking care of (MIL and my mom) would be the only 2 I can imagine making that choice. Sigh. </p> <p>Also, my grandmother had dementia and lived with my parent and it aged them and stressed them out so badly. I know that I cannot provide any nursing care so if anyone needed nursing care I would probably "make" them move into a home. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830937 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 12:52:27 +0000 Mama Bird 2830937@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We've had this discussion. Not really sure where my parents would live, because there's an extra complication there and I don't think I can handle them living with us. I think this is an amazing arrangement for both the older and the younger generation, but in this particular case, nope nope nope. They'll probably just syay in their house as long as possible, and I'll come over to help.</p> <p>We've tried to get MIL to move in with us, but she doesn't want to. And she's really sick, so I can only wish she had ten more years... but she's planned to stay in her senior housing for the rest of her life. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830932 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 12:26:07 +0000 codeitall 2830932@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hmm, that's an interesting question. We have grandparents and great grandparents that have lived to 100 on both sides. One had to be tricked into the nursing home because she was just too big to be cared for in her home safely anymore. My 98 year old grandma still lives in her own home alone, but my widowed aunt is planning on moving into an apartment nearby to check in on her more frequently.</p> <p>My parents would never expect us to care for them, but they would likely want to be close by to the grandkids in an assisted care facility. No confirmation on that though.</p> <p>My in-laws... are not in the best financial or physical shape, so we've discussed what we'll do when they want to retire but have no funds. DH and I agree that we will not be housing them and they would likely be best off in a medical facility. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830915 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 11:04:06 +0000 snowjewelz 2830915@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So the general blanket is that if it's much safer for them to be in a assisted living facility or nursing home, we would, as a family make that choice for our parents. But as long as they can manage day to day, we agreed on the following - </p> <p>My in-laws will live with DH's brother. He is a single dad, so even when my nephew grows up and moves out, his brother will continue to live with his parents. There are 3 siblings in total, we're all close enough to be around and help out as needed. </p> <p>With my parents, once I don't really trust them to live alone, but they're not in any situation where living "by themselves" is dangerous, they would live with us. There would be 2 options, 1) stay in our house and build up or 2) we both sell our houses and move into a bigger one in our town. My sister is not in the pictures because she's much younger than me and just getting married next year, so her future kids would be much younger where as we're probably more "free" with older kids. Also I don't know what her fiance's situation is with his parents so since we feel good about having my parents with us, that's the plan for now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830914 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 10:59:31 +0000 krispi 2830914@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thankfully, we haven't had to deal with this yet.</p> <p>My MIL is a widow and lives by herself. We've casually mentioned that she may need to come stay with us if it gets to the point that she can't live by herself, but that seems a way off yet. The only way it would work is if we had a basement or guest house where she could have her own separate space, and our current house definitely doesn't have that. DH has a brother, but his wife is older than him and only a couple of years younger than MIL, so we don't know that he could take care of both at the same time if they were both in declining health. I'm sure the only way to get MIL to leave her current house would be to pose it as her moving in to help watch our daughter. She's very attached to her house and all of her late husband's things in the house. Fingers crossed we don't have to cross that bridge for a long time.</p> <p>My parents are still married, and my mom is the youngest of all our parents by far, so I don't really worry about them yet. I think they would be more open to an active adult or assisted living type facility once they're older. All 4 of my grandparents died within only a couple of years of each other, and it was very hard on my parents taking care of them, even though they were able to split the responsibilities with their siblings. After experiencing that, my mom said she would rather be in a nursing home than be a burden to anyone.</p> <p>My mom's mom did eventually have to go into a nursing home, but she was unconscious at that time. She'd had a stroke and never woke up. Until then, my parents kept my grandparents at their respective houses but helped with a lot of the meals, cleaning, bathing, etc -- all while holding down full-time jobs. It was definitely difficult. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830906 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 10:30:36 +0000 SweetiePie 2830906@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH and I haven’t fully discussed it. It’s mqybe come up fleetingly over the last 10 years but never a full discussion where we come to a conclusion. </p> <p>Thinking about either of my ILs moving in with us - nightmare. My MIL would probably looooove it but my husband knows better than to even ask me. (And I don’t think he would want that either). We’d pony up to put her in a very nice assisted living community nearby. My FIL would probably never leave his house, he’s super stubborn. He would never want to rely on us for anything. </p> <p>My parents - they live far away from us so it’s pretty unlikely they’d ever expect to live with us. I actually can’t see either of them wanting to. My mom would like to just live in her house alone, maybe with a housekeeper to help clean/tidy. My dad (if he were alone) would want to be in an assisted living community becuase he’s a total homebody and would like that he wouldn’t have to do household chores/maintenance/cook/etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830902 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 10:14:01 +0000 Mrs D 2830902@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My dads parents both passed suddenly when I was young - they were not yet at the point of needing living arrangements when my grandma got sick. She lived with my grandpa til the end. He died suddenly three months later. So it was a non issue.</p> <p>My moms dad passed after a short battle in the hospital. My grandma was still capable of caring for him - so again no issue. My grandma, now 85, is hell bent on never leaving her home.</p> <p>Both my parents assert that they do not want to live with us. My dad helped his girlfriend care for both her parents at the end of their lives - he was the most likely to move in with one of us at the end but now after seeing it on this side does not want his last years with his daughters to be full of those memories. So he is firm about living in a home.</p> <p>My DH had 2 of his 3 grandparents (1 passed before he was born) in hospice care in their home at the end of life. He was not a fan of it - and I dont see him pushing for it. I also dont see his dad wanting it, his mom I can see pushing it...</p> <p>Will be interesting to see how it unfolds. I have 2 sisters, one of whom thinks its insane for parents to ever go in to homes...even though my parents expressly want it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830899 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 10:04:41 +0000 alphagam84 2830899@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We haven't discussed this topic yet. My parents have always said they wouldn't want to live with us and wouldn't want to burden us which I so appreciate! My IL's are around the same age as my parents but they aren't as physically active and mobile and I can totally see them wanting to live with us. But we don't have the space-we have a three bedroom house and each bedroom will be filled. DH has a brother who is married and they have a huge house with plenty of room but the wife can't stand the IL's (MIL is super annoying and no way I could live with her) so I don't think their marriage would survive. I think they'd have to end up in some sort of assisted living facility. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830885 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 09:37:14 +0000 Silva 2830885@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have been trying to find a way to have my parents come live with us for half the year once they retire (and, presumably full time when they are no longer able to go to their summer camp). Trying to make everyone happy is the challenge, but if it does work out I will be thrilled. We are picking house plans that would accommodate adding an apartment over the garage in hopes that it works out.<br /> They do have some long term care insurance, but I would do some of the care taking and then also hire help. If faced with advanced dementia I would probably explore out-of-home options.<br /> ETA: My parents both still work, are in their early sixties and in very good health.</p> <p>I think my in-laws are going to sell their house and move into a retirement community of some kind that offers long term care. But they are dragging their feet despite my FILs dementia and my MILs pretty obvious unhappiness with care taking. They will likely be closest to us. I've been pretty explicit with my husband that I will not be their caretaker, but his family doesn't talk about anything (truly astonishingly bad communication), so I suspect we will have to hit a crisis point and then we will have to work something out with his sisters. Its going to be a mess, thats all I know.<br /> ETA: my husband's schedule would prohibit him from being their caretaker, and I won't do it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830879 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 09:28:06 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2830879@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is a huge issue in our household, but mostly because my husband refuses to deal with it. He is the oldest of 2, and in the culture he comes from, it's expected that he will be his parents' caretaker. His parents are in their 70s and their health is getting worse, so this is coming, but he absolutely refuses to have this conversation with them. The reason I think there might be other options is because they have a robust cultural community where they currently live (we're a few hours away), and because they mostly lived in the US, and because we don't have a house, and because their son married outside their culture, I think they might want to stay in assisted living, but again, he refuses to talk to them about this so I have no idea what's going to happen. It's a huge issue of contention. </p> <p>My parents have been very clear that they want to go into assisted living, and under no circumstances will they live with us. My mom has worked in elder care for years and they are very independent and come from a "don't want to burden" mentality. They're in better health, so barring anything tragic, for my parents this is 10-20 years away, but with my ILs, yeah... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830871 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 09:14:19 +0000 snarkybiochemist 2830871@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@periwinklebee: Thankfully it wasn't a hard line for us to draw and we were on the same page concerning what level of help we could offer.<br /> In home care is possible for people with health complications even serious ones but you might need round the clock nursing support which is costly and involves another person or people basically living with you as well (just in 8 or 12 hr shifts). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830867 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 09:05:06 +0000 periwinklebee 2830867@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@snarkybiochemist: I think this is a good perspective, i.e. agreeing in advance with your partner on the conditions under which it will versus won't work out...I'd like to draw a similar line. </p> <p>My husband's grandparents were being cared for at home when his grandfather had advanced staged alzheimer's disease, as that was the cultural expectation. They hired a woman to help, but she wasn't a skilled nurse - more like a housekeeper - and wasn't there all the time, and ultimately there was a fatal accident. I worry about a similar scenario, I'm trying to convince my husband that if his parents' end up in a similar situation, it's really not in the best interest of anyone to try to care for them in home, even if it is what his parents expect... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830862 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 08:57:05 +0000 snarkybiochemist 2830862@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband and I have had this talk multiple times as he is an only child and his mom is already in her 70s and his grandmother lived with them until she died when my husband was 14. If my MIL needs to live with us just because things like cooking and taking care of her house are becoming a challenge she likely will but my husband and I are not up for providing nursing support or care for someone with dementia or other memory problems. I'm hoping she is able to stay on her own for a lot of reasons but I understand if she has to stay with us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830843 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 08:21:51 +0000 periwinklebee 2830843@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I dread this, to be honest. My MIL does not respect boundaries, at all, and does not get on well with my husband, but culturally expects that she will move in with us when she gets a bit older (she's already 70 and DH is an only child). And I think my husband would feel obligated to go along with this plan. Her parents lived until their death with their kids, but our situation is different - her parents had a lot of money and completely supported their kids with a very nice lifestyle in which they either didn't work or retired very young. In contrast, DH and I both have busy jobs and do not receive family support. To make things worse, DH's parents are divorced, his mom can't stand his dad, but his dad might expect to move in too. We are hoping to dodge that mess by virtue of the fact that FIL remarried to a younger woman who most likely will be able to take care of him throughout his life.</p> <p>My parents say "don't put us in a nursing home." But I think they'd be happy to be in a decent assisted living center. They purchased long term care insurance to help us defray the cost of taking care of them when they are old. My mom understands better how difficult this can be - her mother was in ill health for a long time, had to be put in a nursing home because my mom was unable to provide intensive round the clock care, but she still ultimately had to find a job that was fewer hours so she could assist with my grandmother's care and struggled financially. My parents are very considerate about how not to leave us with a similar burden. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830841 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 08:11:04 +0000 skinnycow 2830841@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We haven't talked about it at all. It's a little far off for my parents (they're in their early 50s). </p> <p>My ILs are older and my husband is the youngest of 5. I think it will likely fall to us to decide because we're the only ones that live remotely close to them. My FIL will likely pass first (he's 10 years older than MIL and has a few health problems) and I imagine my MIL would move in with us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830840 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 08:04:16 +0000 avivoca 2830840@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mother has stated that she absolutely doesn't want to live in a nursing home. My grandmother (her mother) lived in one for the last ten years of her life due to medical issues and it was very hard on my mom to manage it and also to see how sad her life was once she couldn't get out of bed. If we can't take her in, I want to get her into an active living community where she still has some autonomy but will get the help she may need. My MIL will probably come live with us when my FIL dies.</p> <p>We do have a guest room that is fairly spacious and an upstairs den that we are currently using as an office, but it can be reconfigured to be a separate living area if someone needs to move in with us for an extended period of time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830835 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 07:45:04 +0000 Ajsmommy 2830835@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would be open to my mom (dad is already passed) or my IL's living with us, so long as they had their own "suite". DH on the other hand is totally against it. So we'll probably just take it as it comes. I am not opposed to them being in assisted living either. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830828 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 07:16:50 +0000 afc061018 2830828@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My DH and I discuss this regularly and in detail. A few years ago, my dad had a severe stroke, and DH and I struggled for years with how to honor and support his wishes of living independently (after his recovery) vs an assisted living community, where I felt he would receive better care and comfort. It was a daily stress on me and incredibly hard. I struggled daily with monitoring how he was, whether he had food, what his health was like—all from over 1,000 miles away and a very limited budget. Dad refused to live in a community or nursing home closer to me and I felt he wasn't living well on his own. To date, it's one of the hardest experiences I've ever had.</p> <p>Now that Dad has passed, the conversation has shifted to what we'll do when DH's parents and my mom reach that stage. It's a real struggle, and the experience made me look at my own retirement plans in greater detail too. </p> <p>It also has made us sit our parents down and have frank conversations about the kind of lives they want us to help them achieve in their older age. DH's parents plan to sell their home when the time comes and possibly move into an active retirement community, a move DH and I support, as it will let them keep some level fo independence while having care close by (we live a full day's travel away). We're preparing for the same experience as my Dad with my mom. </p> <p>A pharmacist friend once said that the people she sees who come in who are caregivers to live-in elderly relatives ... well, it takes 10 years off their lives. I'm sure it was an exaggeration, but after I went through what I did with my dad, I understood her point. I still wished every day that I could take my dad into my home and care for him. There's no easy way around it, but my experience taught me that it has to be discussed, no matter what. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830827 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 07:00:46 +0000 looch 2830827@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My parents just downsized their home and bought a ranch to prepare for their last 15-20 years. They are both in good health right now, so they will stay there as long as they can. When the health situation changes, we will reassess, but the plan isn't that they move in and one of the kids assumes the care.</p> <p>My inlaws also sold their home and moved to an apartment, but they also live in a country where the end of life care set up is different, so I am not at all worried about them at the moment. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830826 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 06:56:47 +0000 Foodnerd81 2830826@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>None of my grandparents have moved in with their kids as they got older so I don’t think my parents would be thinking that anyway. My grandmother is in her 90s and not doing well at all and would really benefit from an assisted living place, but flat out refuses to leave her home- and she was very clear on that wish when she was much more clear minded than she is today. I think seeing how difficult it is on her grown children to get the right care for her has probably warmed my parents up to the idea of assisted living when the time comes. They don’t want to do that to their own kids. </p> <p>DHs parents are both very independent and would not want to live with their kids. His 87 year old grandmother still travels internationally by herself but has thought about where she would go when she can’t stay in her home. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830825 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 06:53:10 +0000 Adira 2830825@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My parents are planning to eventually sell their home and move to a condo closer to us. Hopefully they'd be healthy enough to live fairly independently until their end of days. But my grandmother recently moved into an independent living apartment that hosts apartments for assisted living, nursing home rooms, and hospice care, and my parents really like the place, so I think they would move somewhere like that if they felt they could no longer live alone.</p> <p>ETA: I don't know what my in-laws plans are!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830810 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 00:17:08 +0000 birdofafeather 2830810@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>All of our grandparents lived in their own homes until they passed including DH’s 96 yo grandmother so we’ve never discussed it! Our house is not big enough to take anyone in so I think we’d all hit that road when it came to it. But all our siblings live nearby too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830809 Wed, 27 Jun 2018 00:13:54 +0000 lamariniere 2830809@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My brother and I have vaguely discussed this. He lives close to my dad and has lots of space, so he assumes dad will move in when he’s unable to live independently. I have no idea about my ILs. I imagine they will stay in their home as long as possible, but they also live in a country with socialized healthcare, so I’m not very worried about them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830808 Tue, 26 Jun 2018 23:18:46 +0000 bhbee 2830808@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Depending on how things go I see this being tough for us, but we haven’t really discussed it and honestly will probably just deal as it happens. DH is an only and his parents are not close to their siblings or other family. We live really far from all parents at this point. I don’t think we could have any of them live with us, so if they lost independence it would be moving them close to us to a nursing home I guess, which I see as not desirable until no other choice since we’d be their only link to the outside world. My mom always morbidly jokes she wants to just go quickly before deteriorating but of course you don’t get to choose. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830801 Tue, 26 Jun 2018 22:13:34 +0000 Sams Mom 2830801@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband is an only child. At one point, I dreaded this very thing because I hate my FIL, but we're no contact now so that won't be much of a problem for us anymore. Now when my FIL dies first (13 years older than my MIL and takes crap care of himself) I wouldn't mind my MIL living with us as long as we had like a MIL suite so she could have her own space and vice versa.</p> <p>Now I'm 1 of 3, so we joke that it's going to come down to rock paper scissors on who takes them. But in all honesty I see my little sister ending up with my mom (my dad will refuse to move out of their house until they carry him out in a body bag) because my mom is kind of ridiculous and my little sister manages her much better than myself and especially our older sister. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/where-will-your-parents-or-ils-live-the-last-10-years-of-their-lives#post-2830799 Tue, 26 Jun 2018 21:30:38 +0000 DesertDreams88 2830799@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Weird topic but just curious. Do you and DH ever have discussions about where your parents or ILs live towards the end of their lives? In my extended family, one married couple split up over this issue, and I don't want it to be a marriage-breaker for us. Obviously nothing can really be predicted about health and finances but I think it is something to discuss? </p> <p>I imagine it is influenced by how your grandparents were "treated".... My dad's divorced parents lived in assisted living, then nursing homes. My mom's mom passed away while living at home with my grandpa, and my grandpa is living very independently in a senior complex, and as time goes by he will probably get more and more assistance. My mom and dad probably wouldn't ever take him in full time - they did that for 3 months as a transition after grandma passed away and it was a strain on everyone. </p> <p>I would feel really guilty having either of my parents in nursing homes, but I don't think I could provide the level of care if they needed. I would be ok with my mom living with us, but my dad would be more of a stretch. If there was dementia involved, that would be a clear nursing home situation to me. </p> <p>With the ILs, I'm afraid there might be some idea that we would take them in. They care for our kids 40 hours a week, so we are heavily involved in each other's lives. But honestly, I don't think I could do it.... at all. </p> <p>Have you and your spouse talked about this at all or encountered it already? </p>