Hellobee Boards Topic: Who does the responsibility fall on?

Hellobee Boards Topic: Who does the responsibility fall on? https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 21 Oct 2026 20:19:47 +0000 babynumber1 on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677563 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 09:48:50 +0000 babynumber1 1677563@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @Beyond2: With our family it is a 2 way street. We equally make the effort, and between both sets of parents. We also have one great grandmother that we see every other Sunday. If you are willing to go on the weekend, but they won't stop going to the lake, I'm not sure what else you could do. Evenings are way to hectic in our house to venture out to visit. mrsjyw on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677544 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 09:44:55 +0000 mrsjyw 1677544@https://boards.hellobee.com/ Both. ILs live 15-20 min away. My parents live 10 min away. They both come over to our place more often to see DS than we go to their places (which we also do and don't mind doing!) because they're so diligent about making plans with us to see him! chopsuey on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677536 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 09:43:24 +0000 chopsuey 1677536@https://boards.hellobee.com/ Both. LuLu Mom on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677532 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 09:42:16 +0000 LuLu Mom 1677532@https://boards.hellobee.com/ Both parties, we make it a point on weekends to see at least one set of grandparents, but they both come in and visit as well. We are family people though and like to spend as much time together as possible. pinkcupcake on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677527 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 09:41:24 +0000 pinkcupcake 1677527@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I think it is equally both parties' responsibilities. If circumstances make it that it is difficult For one party to visit another, then both should discuss and find a fair compromise that works for everyone. I would hope that members of a family love each other enough to sacrifice (time, money, etc) for each other. Anagram on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677397 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 09:10:22 +0000 Anagram 1677397@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @Beyond2: Honestly, I feel like your situation is unique if you own a farm. My grandparents on both sides were farmers (dairy farmers though) and farming is long work, can't wait (animals have to be fed and cared for every single day), there are no vacations. I would just stop feeling guilty. You've opened your home to them and asked them to come and offered to make dinner. With 2 babies, two bedtimes and in laws who don't get off work till 5:30 and who are gone every weekend---they aren't making it easy for you, so tough cookies for them. My LO goes down at 6:30 these days and 5:30-6:30 is solids, bath, and bedtime routine and there's no way I would drive to someone else's house far away during that time frame. In these early years, they can either make the drive to you or happily stay home and not guilt trip you. One further thing: make sure you aren't taking their comments too personally. They might be perfectly content with the situation and not think it's worth it to come see your kids every week when they have busy schedules and might be throwing off a polite, "Oh, we wish we could see them more often" comment. I do that all the time..."Oh, I really wish I could be there, but I have a baby who goes to bed and I can't make it. I hate that we can't see you more often though!" even though, truthfully, I don't have the time or energy to see anyone or do anything 9 days out of 10. aegie on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677332 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 08:57:03 +0000 aegie 1677332@https://boards.hellobee.com/ How about a compromise? They come over one week and you go over the next? That way, you're BOTH making the effort and neither party can say otherwise. We have a standing date with my MIL and we know things happen so we've had to cancel a few times or she's had to cancel a few times, but for the most part, every 2 weeks she comes over and we have dinner then my husband drives her home. Or we just have her come over on saturday and spend the day with us. But lately since LO is older, we have a lot of outdoor activities planned so it's been more dinners than not. MaryM on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677243 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 08:36:43 +0000 MaryM 1677243@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I think it's always the responsibility of both parties (if there are grandkids or not). I live an hour and a half from the rest of my family, and with the exception of my mom, no one makes an effort to come see me. I've gotten used to it and accepted it, but to me, it's just not "fair" I know it's easier for me to go see them because I don't have kids, but even once I do, I can see this trend continuing and my kids won't have a very close relationship with their cousins because their cousins will rarely come see them. My brother hasn't been to see me since I graduated from college...12 years ago (with the exception of a few nights he crashed at my house when his son was in the children's hospital here. But I don't think that really counts since it was a favor and not an actual effort) avivoca on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677234 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 08:32:49 +0000 avivoca 1677234@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I think both parties should be willing to work with each other. They should be willing to come to your house to see the kids, but you also need to be willing to go to theirs. autumnlove on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677218 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 08:30:03 +0000 autumnlove 1677218@https://boards.hellobee.com/ Both parties. alohaorchid on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677180 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 08:19:56 +0000 alohaorchid 1677180@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I think both parties should be willing to put in the same amount of effort. I don't agree with the attitude of "I have kids, come see me" and "I'm the grandparent, make an effort to come see me". It should be a joint effort and responsibility. Glitter on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677158 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 08:15:48 +0000 Glitter 1677158@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I think both parties should be willing to do whatever is easier and least unsettling for the kids. Beyond2 on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677154 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 08:15:38 +0000 Beyond2 1677154@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @locavore_mama: So far (this year and last year) they have been unwilling to miss lake weekends. Last year we went to their cabin twice but that was when my son slept in the car rather than threw up. In the winter we do breakfast every Sunday morning. Weekly visits keep everyone happy, they just don't work unless someone makes an 8th day of the week in the summer :-/ Our commitments can't be altered. Work and caring for children and the farm cant wait. I understand if they dont have the time to come out I'm just tired of being made to feel bad about it so I wanted to see what others thought. regberadaisy on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677112 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 08:04:15 +0000 regberadaisy 1677112@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @looch: +1. I think it's both parties responsibility. You can't say you think it's important for your LOs to have a relationship with the grandparents and not make an effort beyond anything that is convenient for you. And they can't complain they never see the grand babies and never make an extra effort. If both parties think it's the others responsibility then the only ones that suffer are the kids. We invite the ILs over for dinner every Sunday. Every now and then they make dinner and invite us over during the week. They understand LO's bedtime so dinner is usually ready by the time we get there after work. My mom lives 7 hours away. We make the trip every few months. It's only a weekend trip and it's crazy tiring but it's important. She also comes up a few times year too and we try to face time weekly. If your after work schedule doesn't work then I think the ILs should at least come back early on Sunday for dinner. Or if they leave Saturday for the cabin maybe meet for breakfast? Would they be willing to do that at least once a month? Bookish on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677107 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 08:03:19 +0000 Bookish 1677107@https://boards.hellobee.com/ With us it's a compromise. It's at least a 2 hour drive to any of the grandparents, so it's a hassle for both parties to visit. We try to divvy up the visits roughly 50/50 for us travel/them travel. It's been an unspoken agreement, but so far we haven't had any issues. (other than with my mom, but that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish) looch on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677099 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 08:00:28 +0000 looch 1677099@https://boards.hellobee.com/ And oh, I think it gets easier when you can actually do an activity, like go to the zoo, a museum, etc. This way, you both travel, you're both out of each other's houses, and you're actually doing something. snowjewelz on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677095 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 07:59:23 +0000 snowjewelz 1677095@https://boards.hellobee.com/ Agree that it's both sides and probably filled w/ compromises. On one hand, I rather people come b/c it's such a hassle to leave your own house w/ your kids. But at the same time, in my case, my in-laws don't drive far, and my parents live further away, I feel like I'd need to make some effort to bring the kids to them too. Beyond2 on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677092 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 07:59:10 +0000 Beyond2 1677092@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @MamaMoose: This is exactly how I'm feeling about it all! MsLipGloss on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677091 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 07:58:51 +0000 MsLipGloss 1677091@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I think the problem is that both parties seem unwilling to compromise, and neither seem to be willing to accept that the other's rationale is equally valid. Maybe you could choose a day each month (say, the third Saturday of the month) to plan to see your ILs . . . you could also alternate months where you travel to them/they travel to you. looch on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677089 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 07:58:24 +0000 looch 1677089@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @Beyond2: I think what you've written is fair, don't get me wrong. It just seems like you've kind of made up your mind and your inlaws have made up their minds, so you're at an impasse. I personally wouldn't be able to just leave it as it is, but that's me. I feel as though I have to make the effort for my son, he can't just get in the car or on a plane, so I have to make the arrangements. Don't get me wrong here, I would much rather stay home, but for now, I do it this way. I personally don't subscribe to the idea that you have to visit as a family all of the time, I used to go and stay at my inlaw's home with my son for a few days and my husband would join us on the weekend. Again, I realize I am different in this regard and a lot of people are not comfortable with these actions. Adira on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677079 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 07:54:07 +0000 Adira 1677079@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @MamaMoose: Agree with you 100%!!!! My in-laws are the same way and it's soooooo annoying! MamaMoose on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677074 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 07:51:59 +0000 MamaMoose 1677074@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I think the issue here is that they are the ones complaining and guilt tripping you. I can totally understand if after a long day of working they don't want to drive to your house for dinner, they want to go home and relax, and that's fine. But they don't get to then turn around and complain that they never get to see their grandchildren, when they are only willing to see them when it's convenient to their schedule and preferences. Rockies11 on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677064 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 07:48:22 +0000 Rockies11 1677064@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I think it's mostly theirs, especially when you're making efforts on your end to do what you can to see them, but my parents are the same way. they just won't inconvenience themselves to see us. it's a bummer, for sure. and they live three and a half hours away, so we usually only head there for long weekends. Alivoo01 on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677062 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 07:46:33 +0000 Alivoo01 1677062@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I agree both parties are equally responsible, but after reading your story, looks like the fault is theirs. You make a good point they don't have to go to the cabin every weekend! Skipping one weekend wouldn't kill them! And you offer to make dinner if they do come over. That's a very generous offer given you have your own stuff to care for and cooking dinner is a feat in itself, nevermind guests! Beyond2 on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677054 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 07:41:00 +0000 Beyond2 1677054@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @looch: You do make some good points so let me expand the details a bit because I think I'm still being pretty fair. They both work full time. One until 4 pm and the other until 5:30. They do know that my son gets carsick. It's happened just going to their house before so they've also had to witness the clean up... We go to visit them once a month usually. The last time we went to them was Mother's day. In the winter we get together more often because they don't go to the lake and scheduling is easier. DH works outside the home 6 days a week, 12 hour days. He also works outside and often in stuff like poison ivy so he always has to shower as soon as he comes home. This is what makes it so hard for us to get out with any time before bedtime (it's DH's parent so they want to see him too). I am technically a SAHM but we own a beef farm so I do work, I just don't draw a paycheck. There are also things I'm not strong enough do alone that my husband has to do when he's home from his town job. Our kids are 1 month and 21 months. If we were just hanging out with free time I definitely wouldn't have a problem going to them more often, but they truly do have more flexibility than we do at this stage in life and we do make an effort to go to them when we can, it's just few and far between :-/ Applesandbananas on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677040 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 07:34:43 +0000 Applesandbananas 1677040@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I told my parents and ILs what we could do (annual trip to ILs, every other month to my parents) and have extended numerous invitations for them to come visit. I do my best and feel no guilt. blackbird on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677017 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 07:05:11 +0000 blackbird 1677017@https://boards.hellobee.com/ I make an effort with my MIL because she makes an effort, too. It's one thing for it to go both ways; I am more than willing to make that work. With my parents, they travel the world, but say it's "too hard" to come visit us, so with them, I feel like they need to make an effort. Plus they're retired. In this case, I wouldn't force my kid to get carsick over it! Anagram on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677012 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 06:57:54 +0000 Anagram 1677012@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @Beyond2: I think in your situation, they should come see you. Both my mom and my inlaws live far away, and we take turn planning trips to see each other (involving taking vacation time, buying flights or planning long road trips, etc) Adira on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677009 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 06:55:37 +0000 Adira 1677009@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @looch: That's a good point actually. My response was from the stance of a full-time WOHP. I'm sure neither my parents or I want to do any traveling after a long day of work, but since I work full-time AND have a kid to take care of, it just makes more sense for THEM to come see US. I can definitely see how if the grandparents work full-time and the parents don't, it might make more sense for the parents and kids to go visit the grandparents. But you've gotta do what works for you and your kids! looch on "Who does the responsibility fall on?" https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/who-does-the-responsibility-fall-on#post-1677003 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 06:44:47 +0000 looch 1677003@https://boards.hellobee.com/ @Beyond2: I am sure there is more to the scenario that you've written, but think about it from their perspective...after a long day of work, do you really want to get in the car and drive for a dinner? I know I wouldn't and frankly, I do not schedule activities during the work week, it is just to hectic and everyone is grumpy. Have you told your inlaws that your kid gets car sick and suggested they stay home? Did they refuse? If so, then that's a totally different story. But I don't think you can just sit back and say that you put an offer on the table and if they can't make it on your schedule, that's the end of the effort. I realize I am different than a lot of posters in this regard.