https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 22 May 2026 16:02:01 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668576 Wed, 21 Dec 2016 09:33:11 +0000 looch 2668576@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have one child, and a lot of the reason for it is that this kid was never "easy." </p> <p>But more than that, my husband was the oldest of 4, I am the oldest of 3 (one with special needs). A lot of our lives as children were spent in care of our siblings and neither one of us wanted that for our son. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668544 Wed, 21 Dec 2016 08:56:17 +0000 MrsADS 2668544@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@portboston I can't give you any guidance, but I'm in the same situation as you. My husband is older (42) and DS is almost 16 months. The first year was really and truly hell. He had awful reflux, colic, never slept, etc. and I had some undiagnosed postpartum depression, I think. Things are *slightly* better now but to be honest, I still feel like I am stretched to my max every day and truly do not know how I could add another child to this situation. My DS is so sweet and fun but he has always been SUPER high needs and I still kind of feel like a bomb has gone off in our life. When I think about how awful the first year and especially first few months were, I could not imagine dealing with that AND also taking care of a toddler. But, my husband always points out that baby #2 might be easier.... </p> <p>That being said, I think *in theory* both of us would like another long-term (like in 10 years, we would really regret not having another). But in reality, it's going to be hard for me to pull the trigger since I'm still feeling pretty overwhelmed. But because of my husband's age I feel like we have to get on with it if we want to. He's willing to try now. I feel panicked when I think about getting pregnant again. I really don't know what to do. :bummed: </p> <p>Our 5th anniversary is in May and we're planning on a mini kid free vacation (like 3 nights), so I want to at least table the conversation until then. LOL. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668456 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 22:24:01 +0000 JennyD 2668456@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>There are a ton of great answers on here! And I totally understand a lot of them. </p> <p>A couple additions:</p> <p>I grew up the oldest of 3 kids and I felt like I was given a lot of responsibility and held to a much higher standard, despite being close in age. I hated that I had to wait to be 18 to get a phone but 6 months later my 13 year old sister got one. She and my brother were always tagging along with me and my friends and on my dates. I hated it. And I don't want that for my daughter. </p> <p>My husband also has siblings, and while we each see our siblings, the only strong relationship either of us has with a sibling is with my 10 years older half brother who grew up in a different household. So giving my daughter a sibling that she could have for the rest of her life isn't exactly a selling feature. </p> <p>I feel a little less strongly about these things 5 years into parenthood. I've gained some perspective and think I could totally mitigate some of the issues I had growing up. </p> <p>That said, one is just so easy. We both have careers and lives and hobbies and interests outside of "kid things" and we have the time and energy and money to pursue those things. Really for us, we have a great balance and a great dynamic as a group of three. </p> <p>Also, I don't want to be pregnant again and neither of us enjoyed the baby stage and neither of us wants to stay home for another year. Or even half a year. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668426 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 21:26:37 +0000 wrkbrk 2668426@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Portboston: Agreed. Forgot to mention that the "giving my child a sibling" argument holds no water with me. Do not get along with either of my siblings. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668298 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 16:32:54 +0000 Portboston 2668298@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetiePie: that is a fantastic article. I love it. Thank you for sharing! I love number 8. I am also SO afraid of loosing my (potential) only child. That's one reason we're not set on only one but she brings up great points about a second not lessening the grief if she lost her first. </p> <p>I had and still have amazing friendships with women I consider to be my sisters since my actual sister and I do not have a great relationship. That brings me a lot of peace about only having one. </p> <p>Truthfully I wish my husband would feel strongly one way or the other! I don't want to make the decision haha </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668290 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 16:19:43 +0000 SweetiePie 2668290@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Portboston: @Jackiedavis87: Yes! I love loving on my one. I like that he has my undivided attention and it makes me sad to think about losing that. </p> <p>I found this great article just last week and saved it. Seems appropriate to share here.<br /> <a href="http://www.pbs.org/newshour/updates/case-just-one-child/" rel="nofollow">http://www.pbs.org/newshour/updates/case-just-one-child/</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668286 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 16:16:10 +0000 SweetiePie 2668286@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Portboston: yeah exactly. DH and I love tag teaming (well, I do when he gets home, like you said) and even just teaming up in general. 2-1 makes everything way easier. We do parts of bedtime routine together and I'll often say to him "having a 2nd will be way harder on you. Because you'll have to take on a lot more solo than you do now. Il take one and you'll take one". He says he understands but...I'm not sure he really does. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668269 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 15:58:32 +0000 Portboston 2668269@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Jackiedavis87: I also had a bad relationship with my sister growing up. So when people make the sibling argument I can not agree. There is no guarantee kids will be friends. On the other hand I feel like sibling hatred (or not getting along) is more prevalent with girls then with boys. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668264 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 15:56:25 +0000 Portboston 2668264@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetiePie: I identify with a lot of the alone time stuff you mentioned. I'm a big introvert and need my quiet time. It would be so hard to get any of that with two. Plus when DH gets home at night I can easily tap out. With two, that would be impossible. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668263 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 15:55:55 +0000 arosebyany 2668263@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Portboston: it's good to know I'm not the only<br /> one who feels this way! :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668262 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 15:54:18 +0000 Portboston 2668262@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Jackiedavis87: not a stupid thought at all!!! One of the biggest reasons we are leaning towards one is because we're mildly ibsessed with DS and we don't want to share that love. It sounds so silly but it's absolutely true!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668257 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 15:46:41 +0000 arosebyany 2668257@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetiePie: it really is scary, I know I can't do it again, if for no other reason than my husband isn't emotionally supportive enough for me to go through PPD again. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668256 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 15:45:20 +0000 arosebyany 2668256@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@GoGoSnoGirl: this! Exspecially with my past experience with PPD, I wonder how I could ever be devote myself another person and not feel guilty "taking love away" from DS. Stupid thought I know, but it's there. I also want to say I usually have the opposite thought as everyone else in regards to siblings, me and my sisters hated each other until we were adult, and my mother couldn't afford things for us because there were too many of us. I want to make sure DS has everything instead of spreading my finances to thin, between more children.</p> <p>@808love: this is perfectly put! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668193 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 14:47:31 +0000 GoGoSnoGirl 2668193@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You ladies have ALL articulated so many of the things that go through my mind every day! LO is just about 19mos &amp; I'm 43. When she was 6mos I thought, ok, let's start working on LO#2, but as she got older, more mobile &amp; more communicative I've wondered how in the heck I could have a 2nd and still devote enough attention to them both. I SAH and enjoy it, but we will likely be moving in the next year or so--maybe even an international move, depending on what new opportunity DH finds. Life will be easier with just our DD, especially if we make that big of a change to our lives. She does have 5 cousins she sees almost weekly &amp; another 2 we see 2-3x year, plus I've been trying to get her social interaction several times a week, so (if we don't move away) I hope that'll help her learn to interact with her peers. Otherwise she's talking up a storm &amp; learning SO much, very happy &amp; generally outgoing, so I don't think she's missing out yet in not having a sibling. DH &amp; I both have 2 siblings, each, though, so I'm a little sad she may not have that kind of relationship with a sibling. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668190 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 14:46:26 +0000 SweetiePie 2668190@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Jackiedavis87: Yes! DH and I had a really rocky time as well. First 6 months were just bad. And it's slowly gotten better since then and now we feel very normal again. I REALLY don't want to do that again. I was willing to give it a go when he said he wanted another - I knew that it would eventually get better. But the thought of possible PPD/PPA and all the hardship that comes with it again? It's terrifying. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668187 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 14:43:54 +0000 SweetiePie 2668187@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@808love: I ❤ everything you said. Way better than I could have articulated. And I absolutely love "one and fun"! </p> <p>Super ramble-y post ahead:</p> <p>We are in a situation where my husband wants another (not that he'd be unhappy with one, but he just thinks he wants to experience it all again). I have been on the fence (started out "hell no" during the first year of DS life) and this past summer suddenly had a bought of baby fever.<br /> We have to do IVF to have a baby (so we can do PGD because of a chromosomal issue I have). So we've been through 2 rounds since September with no luck. My doc recommends donor eggs but I am just not THAT into having a 2nd that I want to 1) go through another round of IVF or 2) go the donor route.<br /> I feel like our son from IVF 3 years ago is SUCH a blessing and we don't need to get greedy and expect another blessing. My doc told me we were super lucky we even had one as easily as we did.<br /> I hate to admit that we did 2 rounds of very expensive procedures when I wasn't even fully sold on wanting another. But I sort of feel like it's what I needed to feel really at peace with being done. Like we tried and the fact that it failed twice was like God saying "hey you got your miracle. Just be happy. Resume life."</p> <p>I'm ready to stop stressing about whether to have another. To let go of some infant stuff we've been holding on to. Confidently answer that we are done when asked. Travel and start to resume our pre-baby lives (I imagine getting someone to watch two kids while we go off to Hawaii for a week is considerably harder than 1 fairly easy toddler). He's now 2yo so I want to expand our radius of travel with him as well. Start seeing some of the sites around the US I've never seen and even travel internationally with him. I love that he loves walking and isn't a runner, So we can start ditching the stroller! Don't need to worry about a bigger car.<br /> My family lives a flight away and I can easily visit them now with my one kid (I often go alone without DH). If we had 2 kids I couldn't fathom traveling alone for a loooong time which means seeing my family less.<br /> Going to restaurants is so easy now and something we really enjoy.<br /> We have a 3 bedroom apt and I like that we can keep our office/den/guest room set up without having to move.<br /> I SAH and I like that I still get lots of quiet time to myself while he naps. And when he stops napping he'll be in school for longer stretches so that's even more time for myself and I'm not tending to a newborn. Or I can go back to work! </p> <p>I feel like I could go on and on! Maybe I should make a list for myself and my own peace of mind and share it with DH so he sees all of the pros! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668141 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 14:00:43 +0000 wrkbrk 2668141@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@808love: What a well articulated response. I am actually going to keep this and reread it. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668114 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 13:25:48 +0000 wrkbrk 2668114@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Portboston: Honestly, because DW wants to be. I could go either way - like you! But it's gotten easier as he has grown up a bit (he is 12 months). At first I was like NOOOO time is rushing past us and he is not a little baby anymore!!!!!! But now he is an awesome toddler person :) And as we started to give away the newborn things I got more excited for our life as a family of 3. We will really have a lot more options - private school, we are able to build a house in the city with lots of places to walk to, vacations, etc. It matters that we both work fulltime at stressful jobs and dont have any intown family to help. I am sure we could have made it work with two, but one makes a lot of sense for us. I will borrow friends' newborns to snuggle ;) Sorry for the novel! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2668034 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 12:01:30 +0000 Portboston 2668034@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Jackiedavis87: I can identify with some of what you wrote...although my marriage isn't suffering the way yours is, I definitely feel like I suffered a lot of identity issues after becoming a mom. Along with some PPD. At 17 months pp I'm barely considering a second and that's a major part of my hesitation. I feel for you!!!</p> <p>@808love: it's really hard for people to put themselves in someone else's shoes especially when it comes to kids. A LOT of people I talk to say "oh you have to have a second" well actually no! My close friends understand my feelings but aquaintences or family friends are on the "more the merrier" train. </p> <p>@mediagirl: the playmate thing is one of the major things swaying me to have another. I visited with my 5 year old nephew this past summer and he does not have a sibling. It was exhausting trying to entertain him. Granted I think he has been trained to always need stimulation but man, it was exhausting! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2667997 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 11:26:48 +0000 mediagirl 2667997@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Life is great with one. We aren't pulled in too many directions and we aren't spread thin financially. She gets our full one-on-one attention and it's good for all of us. We're both old (I'll be 40 next year, he will be 44) so we really don't have much choice. We don't want to be 65 with a kid just graduating from college.</p> <p>We can still keep up with our no-kid friends and they can lavish their attention on our one kid without feeling spread thin. </p> <p>The hardest thing - not having a playmate. We don't have a lot of kids on our street, so we are her playmates when we are home. We have to actively try to schedule play dates. It's okay. It's just more work than saying, "go play with your brother/sister." She also doesn't have fights with anyone over toys when home with just us. At this point, another kid wouldn't solve that problem so we don't feel like we need to fill that void.</p> <p>A lot of people have asked this question in the past on Hellobee and very few have actually stayed one and done. Haha. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2667995 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 11:26:32 +0000 808love 2667995@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh glad to hear. Thanks! This post was the first time I ever completely articulated the full answer to this question and it felt good. I usually throwaway something like "Oh we are tired" when people IRL ask why we don't have anymore. I don't expect them to really want the longer, but more accurate answer. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2667993 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 11:25:41 +0000 arosebyany 2667993@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly I love my family the way it is, and I can never go through the newborn phase again. LO just turned one yesterday and I still don't feel like I'm back to myself yet. Between the PPD and the PPA the first 6 month, was the worst time I ever remember in my life. There is also issues between me and my husband on certain things. For example we both agreed I would be a SAHM, and I realized early on that I realllllly miss my job and SAH is not for me, but my husband is adamant that our child never step foot in a daycare, some days it's like I'm just counting down till he's school age and I can go back to work. Another issue is I love alone time, which of course I get zero of now, so by the time my husband comes home I'm all touched out and just want to be left alone, which of course hurts his feeling. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm pretty sure my marriage wouldn't be able to handle another child. I'm still having a hard time separating being a mother, and still being a person, which neither my husband nor myself anticipated. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2667982 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 11:13:59 +0000 Portboston 2667982@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@808love: beautifully said!!! And I can completely identify with a lot of what you said. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2667820 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 02:16:02 +0000 808love 2667820@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have so much fun with this child of mine. I love learning about her and being fully (and imperfectly) present as she develops through the years. I love being done and not having to 'do everything all over again.' Everything is exciting and new with just one. I am full of curiosity and accomplishment at every milestone. It is just the right amount of challenge for me. Parenting well takes a lot of effort, time, attention and resources. DH and I also have fruitful careers and much to offer our community. Sure, if I had another, the joy would be multiplied. But I am super happy with how everything is now. I think, for me, the attraction of just having one great kid (to me) is good enough for a satisfying, peaceful, generous life. I just want to call it a day with my wonderful kid. I want to be a happy, loving mom. Not one that is stressed and stretched too thin most of the time. If I ever want to go down the road to grow our family, I would add to our lives through fostering a child in need. With that comes the opportunity to adopt if the situation called for it. I have carved out a margin that enables us to do this. As for now, I feel complete with my little family and am so happy I decided to even have one. Both DH and I were totally on the same page about being ambivalent about having kids when first getting married, ready to have one at the same time and in complete agreement about stopping at one. We may regret it later if LO is too lonely as she gets older (as people have warned me) but I can't choose today based on what ifs. We chose to have one (and fun) because it suited us! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-are-you-one-and-done#post-2667808 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 00:22:00 +0000 Portboston 2667808@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH and I are still on the fence about a second. LO is almost 17 months old so ideally, if we decide to have a second, it would be by the time LO is 2 years old. My husband is on the older side so I wouldn't want to wait too much longer. I have many reasons for swaying towards being one and done but I still can't decide one way or the other. </p> <p>Why are you 'One and done?" </p>