https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 29 Apr 2026 03:38:27 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-418330 Wed, 28 Nov 2012 00:35:31 +0000 Freckles 418330@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jedeve: Those people are just Debbie Downers who need to be ignored! :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-418306 Wed, 28 Nov 2012 00:05:13 +0000 jedeve 418306@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think saying stuff like "this was really hard for me" nd sharing your experiences is fine. But the whole "you are in for it/destined to be a failure" is not helpful! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-418249 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 23:24:08 +0000 Freckles 418249@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hergreenapples: I totally understand, i also hated it when people said that to me while i was pregnant! I was like, "Right, because you can totally bank sleep, huh?" But honestly, it was only after having a colicky baby did i understand what true sleep deprivation was. While i never say those annoying, "sleep now" comments, i do say, "enjoy sleeping in on the weekends" in an envious way. :)</p> <p>The beginning is just so crazy and scary, and i don't think you can fully fathom what it's like when you're pregnant. I had majorly low expectations when it came to breastfeeding because everyone told me how hard it was, and i'm glad people told me about their difficulties. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-418167 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 22:01:01 +0000 T-Mom 418167@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree that comments like you mentioned are very annoying, but I actually wished that more of my mom friends had talked to me about post partum and how hard it might be. When I would talk to them later, they said they didn't want to scare me, but I was like.. What am I gonna do? I'm already pregnant! I had no idea what I was in for! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417821 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 18:04:28 +0000 Baby Boy Mom 417821@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@banana: haha...yes forgiven :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417696 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 17:17:13 +0000 banana 417696@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Baby Boy Mom: Yeah, it totally comes with the territory! I mean, it's not like anyone expects it to be the same or easier right? Of course it's gonna be harder. But at the same time, it's so fun too! Just wait until you see the two of them interact. It's so cute!!! :) Omg, I just said "just wait until...." LOL. Well it was in reference to a positive thing so I'm not being judgy or preachy right? :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417694 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 17:16:13 +0000 jedeve 417694@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I get not having an idea of how hard it will be. I try not to go into things with expectations, good or bad. I just don't get the assuming all FTMs have super rosy expectations and needing to dash them. Or that saying it will be hard will somehow actually prepare people. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417685 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 17:13:31 +0000 jedeve 417685@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@maybebaby: Why do people take pleasure in other people's pain?! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417672 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 17:08:43 +0000 prettylizy 417672@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it makes people feel better about how crazy their lives are to think that others will suffer too. I hate this, I especially hate this when people start telling horror stories about childbirth. DOOD- No one needs to know that much about your business, keep it to yourself. lol!!</p> <p>I will admit, I thought I was ready, and I had no idea, but that doesn't mean I could have done anything else to be more prepared for raising a child. It's just the nature of the beast, you don't know until you're there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417667 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 17:06:18 +0000 Rock n Roll 417667@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly, there are some people that are just being jerks. But I think some people are genuinely concerned. I think the only time I've ever said any sort of thing like this was a genuine warning. It was a pregnant mom who said she couldn't wait to give birth so she could finally get some sleep since she was sleeping so poorly during her pregnancy. I didn't want to be a jerk, but I did point out that she would probably not be getting any more sleep with a newborn. And after she gave birth, it was apparent I was right. (But I didn't do a told-you-so because I am not a jerk!)</p> <p>I really don't think anyone has any idea what having kids is like until they have them. I know for me, I thought I had realistic expectations, but holy crap! It was (is!) so much harder than I thought!</p> <p>I will say that adding my second child was actually MUCH easier than I thought it would be. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417614 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 16:49:10 +0000 Baby Boy Mom 417614@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@banana: Good to know! I mean I'm expecting it to be difficult and probably overwhelming, at least at first, but I think that comes with the territory. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417600 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 16:43:34 +0000 banana 417600@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Baby Boy Mom: I heard the same thing when I was pregnant with #2! It is a lot harder but it's not any worse than what I expected. I never thought 'Oh man. X was soooo right. It totally IS harder. Never saw that one coming." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417599 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 16:43:03 +0000 heartonastring 417599@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@caffeinated: I guess the thing that irritates me the most about the "sleep now" comments is that (a) no matter how much sleep I get now, it won't save me from being tired when baby comes and, (b) they often say it like it's some sage advice when I think it's pretty commonly held knowledge that new mothers don't get much sleep. It just comes across as though they thing FTMs are completely and totally clueless. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417590 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 16:40:53 +0000 Baby Boy Mom 417590@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel you..it doesn't end there. Now that I'm pregnant with no. 2 people are like "it's 4 times the work", "you won't be so lucky next time"...Man, let's be a little more optimistic people! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417589 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 16:40:30 +0000 Freckles 417589@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrsbells: When i told friends (who already had babies) that i was planning on cloth diapering, i got a lot of, "oh don't even bother in the beginning. you'll be so tired the last thing you'll want to do is laundry!" Seriously, every week someone would ask me how cloth diapering was going...i'm sure they were genuinely curious but a part of me wondered if there was a sarcastic tone. </p> <p>I know people hate the "sleep now" comments, but i genuinely believe people just want you to take advantage of how NICE it is to sleep in. All i wanted was for pregnancy to be over with it so i can meet my baby, and now i just want that extra week of sleep, no matter how crappy and uncomfortable i felt. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417578 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 16:37:48 +0000 banana 417578@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@maybebaby: ACK! So rude!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417577 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 16:37:41 +0000 heartonastring 417577@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>One of my colleagues has been all about this lately and it's driving me INSANE! I made some comment today about the fact that I've always been a good sleeper and she did the old, "Well you better get your sleep now!" routine. I got so fed up that I finally looked at her and said, "Well, unfortunately you can't 'save up' on sleep!" (much like @blakcbird said above). I then went on to tell her that I'm not naive. I know my life is going to change beyond what I can conceive of and that that was the whole idea when we decided to have a baby. She pretty much stopped after that....for today.</p> <p>I know that with this colleague it's a way for her to toot her own horn about having raised her son as a single mother, but it's SO freaking irritating! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417574 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 16:36:50 +0000 maybebaby 417574@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jedeve: The first thing friends of ours (a couple with two kids, our only friends with kids) said to us--mind you, after two years encouraging us to join them in the wonderful world of parenthood--was "We can't WAIT for you to see how hard it it!" Uh, thanks? I don't know why people do it. I am going to try to remember how frustrating it is so that I won't do it in the future to others. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417552 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 16:31:45 +0000 Mrsbells 417552@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think that in some cases most "experienced" moms feel judged by "new" moms. For instance when I say I will cloth diaper or I wont give my baby store bought baby food, I Know some moms feel judged by that since they made those decisions so they feel they have the lash back at me by telling me how hard it will be and how I wont be able to keep up</p> <p>SOmetimes they are right though, because I always said I wouldnt use a pacifier and then I ended up using it </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417494 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 16:18:48 +0000 blackbird 417494@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrs pen, haha, yup, people seem to think I'll be shoveling all kinds of shitty food down my kids' throat. AKA the shitty food that I won't touch with a ten foot pole. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417462 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 16:08:40 +0000 Mrs. Pen 417462@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@tororojo: I told DH I feel sorry for parents 100+ years ago because not only did they not have a choice in whether they cloth diaper or not, they also had to wash everything by hand. Talk about ewwwww!!!</p> <p>It drives me nuts too! People still do that since I have one baby, "oh he's good now just wait til he's older!"<br /> "You know you'll never get another baby as good as he is."<br /> "You say you won't let him drink pop, yeah you just wait."</p> <p>I feel like other moms should be more encouraging to new moms why not say, "yeah it's hard at first but you get through it and you won't believe how much you love your kid.." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417459 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 16:07:49 +0000 banana 417459@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I admit I've said stuff like "Just wait until they're older..." but only when the mom was being super braggy. I had one mom (not a friend) say to me "I don't know what's wrong with other kids and parents. Babies are capable of sleeping through the night just fine, My LO is 3 months old and sleeps 8 hours a night. Babies who don't sleep at night are due to bad parenting"</p> <p>I was totally immature and said "Oh, my LO did that too. Just wait til she's older. Babies sleep patterns change all the time."</p> <p>Sorry, I just had to... =\ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417444 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 16:03:30 +0000 blackbird 417444@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's so obnoxious and all it is is them basically giving themselves an inadvertent pat on the back for surviving. </p> <p>Next time someone tells me to "sleep now" (which, honestly, I'm sleeping great, so it's mostly "enjoy it while you can"....yes, thanks captain obvious), I'm going to tell them that I'll be sure to add to my sleep bank to withdraw later. Because, seriously, when does sleeping now ever help you MONTHS DOWN THE ROAD?! logic fail</p> <p>It's always the strangers for me. like they take glee in knowing that your luck is going to run out soon </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417416 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 15:58:47 +0000 ScarletJwl 417416@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with everything the PPs said! I am so sick of the comments and I know they are not going to stop. I didn't decide to have kids because I thought it would be easy!</p> <p>I have had a couple of people focus more on the positive - telling me about how having their LO made them a better person and how much they love nursing, etc. I would much rather spend time with people like that than all of the other people (including those who don't have kids...) who just tell their horror stories and focus on the negative parts. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417415 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 15:58:28 +0000 Crisark 417415@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jedeve: I can understand the frustration but just try to take it with a grain of salt approach. </p> <p>@Revel: Agreed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417367 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 15:44:20 +0000 Revel 417367@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh - I hate this, along with the unsolicited advice. I think @JoJoGirl: hit the nail on the head though - people like to brag about their battle stories. I feel the same way about this that I do about someone who talks about how tired they are/how many hours they work etc... it's not a competition to see who is the most miserable!</p> <p>That said, like @Pumpkinspice: said, I do think when it's friends and family, these statements come from the right place, and I just try to ignore it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417364 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 15:43:29 +0000 jedeve 417364@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Pumpkinspice: For me though it's not usually in response to anything. Like this conversation with my mom:</p> <p>Mom: How is it going?<br /> Me: Good. We have a quiet week this week.<br /> Mom: Well good. Just you wait - the baby is easier to take care of now than it will be later! </p> <p>Um...okay?? </p> <p>@mediagirl: "In the end, we are going to experience the good and the bad whether they tell us to watch out for it or not." - EXACTLY!!</p> <p>I don't really envision myself going, "OMG person X was sooo right about how I would have wanted a red stroller over a black one. Why didn't I listen to her because she already had kids??"</p> <p>I think moms just want validation of their own parenting. Or have pent up venting they need to do over their experiences. I try not to share any of what we want to do parenting, because even something benign like "we want to have the baby in our room" (as recommended by every pediatrics organization!!) goes into something like "well, you say that now, but you won't get any sleep.... blah blah blah" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417137 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 14:28:13 +0000 mrs. wagon 417137@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I always complain about this. Parents would always ask me how things are going, and I'd say something like "he started sleeping thru the night at 4.5 months old" and immediately they'd say "right, he does that NOW... just wait until..." and a variety of things. None of which ended up affecting his sleep-- he's slept thru the night every night since unless he was super crazy sick. </p> <p>I think some parents just like to project their frustrations and negative experiences on others, and of course like to hear themselves sound like an old veteran of parenting difficulties. I try so hard not to be like this!!! because it totally drove me crazy as a new mom and gave me so much unnecessary stress. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417136 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 14:28:07 +0000 Crisark 417136@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sometimes those of us that have been a mom are actually trying to help by making you see that sometimes what you're freaking out about or what you are 'swearing' won't ever happen with your baby isn't always the case.<br /> Speaking from experience isn't always a mom's way of being negative. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/why-do-people-like-to-scarejudge-first-time-moms#post-417133 Tue, 27 Nov 2012 14:27:23 +0000 Weagle 417133@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's especially great when those people don't even have any children :) I agree with @JoJoGirl: I think people just want to humble brag. </p>