https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 01 May 2026 13:07:07 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming/page/2#post-1352987 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 12:18:55 +0000 Mrs Green Grass 1352987@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think that EVERYONE is just trying to justify their choices and it can get annoying at times.</p> <p>I'm like you. I need to work and I'm a better mom because of it. But I know my sister would be a fantastic SAHM... We having different skills and temperaments and it's I portably to k ow that! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming/page/2#post-1352714 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 11:29:35 +0000 meganmp 1352714@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Woah, this thread got bigger than I thought it would! Neat. </p> <p>I went back and re-read my original post, and I realize how whiny I sound, and I apologize. I also re-read the article with different eyes, and I realize how innocuous it could sound to others. My theory about my reaction is that it is a combination of many things- Firstly, she posts stuff ALL THE TIME about how she's so glad she's staying home so she doesn't miss all of these precious moments. It makes me sad that the nanny is probably going to witness many, many moments I wish I had been there for. Also, I think I feel guilty that I don't want to stay home all the time- I'm home for 9-10 weeks during the summer, and I was pretty excited for school to start back up because I like teaching. I have it in my head that I should want to spend every waking moment with these kiddos, who we fought tooth and nail to get, and I don't. I need time to be who I am, who I was before they came into the picture. </p> <p>Anyway, I'm sorry if I came off as over-sensitive (I usually am). I appreciate all of those that helped me realize that I'm over-reacting, and should just calm myself down! :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming/page/2#post-1352577 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 11:05:32 +0000 Rockies11 1352577@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Sapphiresun: I have a years leave and I am going back part time at just under 7 months and people are CRAZY with the judgement about it! Like, leave me alone, people. It's not the end of the world that my kid is going to be in a daycare beside my office 2 days a week. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming/page/2#post-1352481 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 10:51:15 +0000 nana87 1352481@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I really, really like your response! For all of us as individuals, our own choices and doing what we feel and know is best for our families are what's really important, and we shouldn't feel shame or guilt about our decisions. However, you brought up the incredibly important point that choice for most people is a complete illusion. Forgive me for making this political, if that's not where people wanting this convo to go, but we (or at least, most of us) don't live in a society that supports the ability for most of the population to actually choose without financial constraints, ie via sufficient parental leave policies (either via the government or the majority of employers), affordable and high quality child care options (neither public nor private), etc. Which is why I think it's so important that we keep having these conversations--not because the "mommy wars" as such are that productive, but because there is a lot that needs to be changed for that choice to be available to everyone. Also, it drives me crazy that these convos are so frequently only about mothers and work, but that's me laying all my feminist cards out on the table :wink: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming/page/2#post-1352158 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 09:55:52 +0000 Maysprout 1352158@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>There's lots of different choices to make as a mom so I read a lot of articles to make me think about what I wanted and what perspective fit me best. I'm happy there's different perspectives written and I don't think those articles are shaming (though there are examples where the other choice is put down heavily, and that stinks).</p> <p>Be confidant in your choice and also the ability of others to make choices for themselves.</p> <p>I have a PhD but have done my share of being a SAHM, believe me I get a lot of side eye when people find that out. Sometimes I explain why that was best for our family and sometimes I just smile and let Miss or Mr Smug pants be smug because their opinion really is of little value. We made our choices as a family not because of side eye from an a.hole. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming/page/2#post-1351996 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 09:23:56 +0000 snowjewelz 1351996@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It is so ridiculous! Women/moms should be there to support &amp; encourage each other, not tear one another down :sad: From my viewpoint, I HAVE to work after I have a kid. I feel like sometimes these articles/posts assume you have a choice! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming/page/2#post-1351962 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 09:12:00 +0000 travellingbee 1351962@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@loveisstrange: Right! I know I feel that way sometimes and I have to remind myself that there are many ways to parent well! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming/page/2#post-1351960 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 09:11:53 +0000 littlek 1351960@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you have to do what is right for you whether it be SAHM or WOHM. I don't think it's right when one person pushes their choice. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming/page/2#post-1351951 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 09:08:08 +0000 loveisstrange 1351951@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@travellingbee: "I also think there is a degree to which it is over-sensitivity due to one's own feelings of insecurity."</p> <p>This! I think people get defensive about parenting decisions because they want people to agree, so they feel validated like they're doing it "correctly". </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming/page/2#post-1351945 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 09:06:32 +0000 travellingbee 1351945@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I understand the feeling of being miffed by people that are a bit high and mighty in their choices and insensitive to others (when my son was sick with ear infections all the time, tons of people insinuated it was because he was in daycare and why was I working when I don't HAVE to??) but I also think there is a degree to which it is over-sensitivity due to one's own feelings of insecurity. If I said , "I WOH because I want to save for college and to go on family vacations that will be a valuable experience for my kids", someone who stays home could say, "Oh, I'm NOT a good mom because I don't have the money to go on vacations??!!" Just saying why you chose to work or not, and being happy with your choice, does not mean it is shaming the other person. There is no perfect choice, so we all do what we think is best.</p> <p>Can you imagine if people were this sensitive about other choices in their lives? I went to a state school not far from my home because I wanted to save money and be able to spend time with my family. If I wrote an article about the merits of attending state schools would people be up in arms that I was shaming people who attended private schools?! I wouldn't think most people would react that way. But parenting is a sensitive topic because we are all not sure if we are doing it right! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming/page/2#post-1351929 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 09:02:46 +0000 loveisstrange 1351929@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I stayed at home until C was 18 months old. I currently work part time (16-30 hours a week).</p> <p>For me, I needed more than what being a SAHM gave me. I needed to be out of the house. I needed the feeling of contributing financially to my family. I needed the feeling of accomplishment that working gives me. Im a much happier person now that I have a job and Im easier to live with. I was a miserable, hot mess as a SAHM.</p> <p>I do feel very fortunate that I do have the luxury of making that choice for myself and my family.</p> <p>I do think that WOHMs have the wonderful advantage of being able to come home and look at their child with fresh eyes. As a SAHM, you are with that child 24/7, every issue seems like the end of the world because it IS your world in that moment. A WOHM gets to get away, recharge, and come back to it with a fresh outlook. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351907 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 08:52:00 +0000 looch 1351907@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am going to put my money where my mouth is, because for MY family, the value proposition speaks against me staying home.</p> <p>We outsource two major things, care for our son and housekeeping. The hourly rate for my son's day care is approximately $8 an hour. The hourly rate for our cleaning service is $25.</p> <p>I work out of the home. My hourly rate is multiples of those combined, I am obviously not going to share that, but my point is, when it comes to the contribution to my family finances, both immediate and long term, I should be working, not staying at home. Do I have a choice in the matter, that's irrelevant for me.</p> <p>And one last thing is that it's not helpful to anyone to compare themselves to other people, but it's easier said than done to stop that behavior. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351875 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 08:30:49 +0000 JoJoGirl 1351875@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cmomma17: I agree - I think the context is important. "I'm lucky I don't have to put my kid in daycare" is a bit more judgmental than "I'm lucky I have the luxury of choice whether or not to stay home". It's all about delivery and intent when it comes to that kind of statement. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351874 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 08:30:29 +0000 cmomma17 1351874@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: thanks, I think you do understand my point. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351873 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 08:28:33 +0000 cmomma17 1351873@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@sarac: I don't think it is out of left field. This was a comment said directly to me after other moms heard I was going back to work. They also looked either horrified or disappointed and made other comments like "you're not going to put LO in daycare are you?" (We didn't yet, but what if we did?) and (again) "I'm lucky my husband makes enough money so I don't have to work." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351855 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 08:12:14 +0000 MsLipGloss 1351855@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Meh. I think this article has a few moments when it crosses into the SAH/WOH debate territory. . . but on the whole, I think it's pretty benign. </p> <p>@erinpye: I agree, although I will say that there is *lifting up* and then there is *justifying* . . . and justifying is ripe for judgment and *shaming* because it comes from a place of guilt, anger, insecurity, or a combination thereof. But I don't think this article treads anywhere close to that territory. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351840 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 07:57:59 +0000 mediagirl 1351840@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@autumnlove: ditto. I've quit reading parenting articles, especially the ones that have those undertones of nasty towards people who aren't doing it "their" way. Everyone works/doesn't work for different reasons. Everyone has guilt. Let's just let things be and let people BE parents, whether they work or don't work. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351787 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 06:58:24 +0000 sandy 1351787@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinpye: completely agree! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351781 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 06:50:46 +0000 yellowbird 1351781@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: you said it perfectly! It is definitely the choice that is the luxury and not all mom's get to make that call! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351768 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 06:27:45 +0000 jedeve 1351768@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: agree. </p> <p>I don't know, the whole "I'm lucky, I know not all women are so lucky" doesn't bother me too much. But it does just make me feel poor! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351754 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 05:33:35 +0000 Cherrybee 1351754@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is such an interesting thread and it couldn't have come at a better time for me, facing the prospect of going back to work in 4 weeks after a 7 month maternity leave. </p> <p>I think that whichever path a mum takes there will be judgement - from others and more importantly from themselves. </p> <p>Right now, the thing I covet most is choice. Like @sarac: says, someone who is able to choose for themselves the parenting path they wish to take is very, very fortunate indeed. For me, I have no choice, I have to work full time otherwise we can't pay the mortgage/bills. I hate that. I wish more than anything that I could claw back a bit more time with my girl - work part time, perhaps - but it's not an option. That said, I know people who have no choice but to stay home - for example when childcare and travel costs more than they can earn. Those mums are stuck home with a toddler, desperate for adult interaction and a sense of career achievement and long to go back to work. </p> <p>The flip side, however, is that mums who get a choice then have to *make* that choice and stand by it. Whereas I can say "boo hoo, I wish I didn't have to leave my precious baby", it takes a lot of courage (great self esteem, perhaps?) for mums like @blackbird: to say "I choose to work because I need more in my life". I think this is what @cmomma17: is getting at - those mums who say that they are "lucky" they can stay home are implying that if @cmomma17: had the choice she would, of course, choose the *right* option and the *right* option is to stay home. It puts huge pressure on people who have chosen to work. Conversely, my friend has quit her job in the last couple of weeks because she doesn't want to return to work (her baby is a week younger than mine) and my DH was disgusted - he said that she is being selfish to put such financial pressure on their household and what kind of message is she sending their son about women? Sigh. </p> <p>@Mae: I loved your list of reasons. I might print them off and put them on my desk at work to remind me why WOH is a great thing. Thank you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351740 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 03:20:48 +0000 erinpye 1351740@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think lifting up one kind of person is by default shaming another. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351739 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 03:20:16 +0000 sarac 1351739@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@meganmp: Yeah, I think that articles like this are coming from a place of trying to make someone feel better. I read it and all I think is 'yeah, obviously it is, who are you trying to convince?' I know that some people really struggle to feel that they're contributing as a SAHM, which is ridiculous. The value of that kind of work in money alone is huge, not to mention all the other ways in which it is valuable. But some people struggle with believing so. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351736 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 03:16:17 +0000 sarac 1351736@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cmomma17: Wow, that seems a little out of left field. I say that I'm very lucky to be able to stay home because I know that my ability to do so comes from a place of real privilege - my husband making enough to support us both. I am lucky to be able to choose. It isn't an indictment on anyone else's choices, just a recognition that I'm aware of and thankful for the ability to make my choice based on my desires, and not finances. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351724 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 02:27:13 +0000 SugarplumsMom 1351724@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm starting to think that we, as a society, should just stop making a big deal over SAHM and WOHM/WAHM. Why is it our business anyway? Everyone does what they can for their kids! Why make a fuss? </p> <p>We should treat it like income. No one talks about it, it just is. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351698 Thu, 16 Jan 2014 01:16:41 +0000 deerylou 1351698@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I personally didn't see the article in that way at all, but it's a bummer some felt upset by it. I think all the "mom things" mentioned are done by both working and stay-at-home mothers. Neither one of us ever really "turn off". I think the statement "being a mom is enough" speaks to everyone. We all strive to a certain level of unattainable perfection, and try to set an example for our children by juggling a billion hats. However, in the eyes of our kids, our role as their mother - loving and present - is more than enough for them to feel proud of.</p> <p>I think we often get over sensitive about our choices. There are admirable and less desirable aspects to both camps, and the tug-of-war between the two gets exhausting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351606 Wed, 15 Jan 2014 22:58:23 +0000 mlm2934 1351606@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel about that similar to how I feel about a lot of weight posts of FB. You know, the ones that show a curvy woman, and a super model, then say "real women have curves" or "men prefer a real woman" etc. - they are meant to lift up larger women and encourage them, but inadvertently shame skinny women.</p> <p>Same with the mom stuff - everyone's just trying to make themselves feel better about the camp they are in. I take it with a grain of salt. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351589 Wed, 15 Jan 2014 22:48:25 +0000 Freckles 1351589@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@autumnlove: Agreed! I actually hate articles that go either way, and they don't contribute any GOOD at all!!</p> <p>I work out of the house F/T (sometimes at home) and spend about 5 hours a day with her. It's what works for me, and to hell with everyone else's opinions! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351569 Wed, 15 Jan 2014 22:39:58 +0000 autumnlove 1351569@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>:-( I'm just sick of all parenting articles! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wohm-shaming#post-1351529 Wed, 15 Jan 2014 22:18:51 +0000 Sparkler 1351529@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was walking home from the train with one if my neighbors this week talking about this general subject and she said that part of being a 21st century mom is just convincing ourselves that whatever we are doing at the moment in terms of work, time at home and childcare is best for our kids and ourselves. It really struck me and I think its so true. There is no special formula to raise a child! </p>