https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 09 May 2026 04:36:32 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/worklife-balance-of-husband#post-2875451 Fri, 08 Mar 2019 08:37:18 +0000 Anagram 2875451@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel like the NYC area is kind of a 9-6 sort of environment. My husband leads a team, so he likes to be there more like 8:30 to get ready for the day before the rest of his team trickles in between 8:30-9, and sometimes he has early meetings around 8am. But he basically never, ever leaves before 6pm. Like him leaving at 6pm is an early day. Him leaving at 6:30pm is a more typical day. And him working till 7 or after is a late day for his schedule. This is one of the reasons we live in a smaller space, closer in. If he had to add in an hour-1.5 hour commute, he'd be leaving at 7 instead of 8, and getting home at 8 instead of 7. It would be rough, but the expectation in his office is that 9-6 is the bare minimum, and someone wit more responsibility is going to be working more like 8:30-6:30--and he gets off easy compared to other people in different teams who work way more hours a week. I think he'd be considered lazy (unfortunately) if he left prior to that 6-6:30 basis on a regular basis.</p> <p>Can your husband start looking for jobs that have some work-from-home flexibility, at least 1-2 days a week? Or could he ever negotiate working from home 1-2 times a week? That would help so much.</p> <p>Alternatively, could you hire a mother's helper to come for that 1-2 hours a night and help you feed, bathe, and get the kids in bed? I definitely don't think it's equitable for you to have to do all the nighttime duties by yourself every night. I am in charge of nights in our house, but my husband is in charge of mornings (I leave at 6:45 am, so he does breakfast and packing school bags and stuff; then we have a sitter come and do the kids hair and walk them to school, so DH can get to work on time). It's actually relatively affordable. We have the sitter come 7:30am-8:30am (school for DD2 starts at 8:30), and then again 2:30-4:30pm. And for 2 kids, that's only about $320/week or under $1300 a month. It's the least we've ever paid in childcare, and then she's available for the occasional sick day or snow day or date night, too.</p> <p>Hope you figure something out. The balance is hard for working parents. I know here on HB, we focus on balance for women, mostly, but my husband really struggles with work/parent/life balance too. He takes an equal amount of sick days for our kids that I do. He worries about taking time off work for all the school plays and parties and stuff that I do; He's always trying to figure out how he can take a half day off work to make it to a kids' dance class or something. It's hard for both of us. :bummed: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/worklife-balance-of-husband#post-2875449 Fri, 08 Mar 2019 08:19:02 +0000 HappyBaker 2875449@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We do the same as @snarkybiochemist, our deal is he has to be home by 6 (when we eat dinner), helps with baths or bedtime (we switch who does the big kids or baby every night), and then he can log back on from home once done with kid responsibilities for the night. When we only had one kid I feel like I just let it slide that he worked late / didn’t help as much, but now that we have 3 and both work FT I 100% need him to be an equal partner. Yes there are still some days he absolutely can’t make it home for dinner but those are at least not the norm anymore. Good luck, it takes time to find your groove and figure out your new normal! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/worklife-balance-of-husband#post-2875448 Fri, 08 Mar 2019 08:10:21 +0000 LCTBQE 2875448@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LindsayInNY: just want to offer empathy, we have the same situation and I find bedtime very difficult—so much so that when I was still on mat leave I hired our old babysitter to come help me. I know it’s not the solution you want, but maybe that would help? I’m back at work now (6 mo pp) and my husband and I both feel constantly torn between missing the babies and pressure to perform at our jobs. We commute from NJ 75 minutes each way :meh: I think @Littlebit7: has a great point that maybe at hq he feels like he’s being watched, which he probably is... I’m trying to come to peace with it by acknowledging that big-picture this is the hardest time in our lives. But it still sucks :heart: hang in there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/worklife-balance-of-husband#post-2875445 Fri, 08 Mar 2019 06:52:26 +0000 hitchhiker 2875445@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's a little hard to advise without more details. Are his long hours driven by the nature of the work? Are they perceived expectations or real? Why is he not setting boundaries? Why are you the primary caretaker? Is it because your job is more flexible or because you have made a choice as a family to prioritize his career over yours? Are there people in his office that have hard stops or would he be the trailblazer?</p> <p>But even without that info, I think it sounds like he needs a hard stop deadline. I don't think it's fair to you to do all the evening home labor unless there is a very good, agreed upon reason. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/worklife-balance-of-husband#post-2875438 Thu, 07 Mar 2019 22:15:47 +0000 Littlebit7 2875438@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Do you think working at the HQ changes when he can leave? As in, maybe he feels he can’t leave until after his bosses leave? Is that at play here? My husband is very senior at work but when the senior MDs are in thr office he is the first to arrive and last to leave, even after working there for 10 years. That’s just him. And when he’s leading a team with a lot of junior people and everyone is busting their asses, he feels bad cutting out before everyone else. So in short, I do thr nighttime routine. It’s easier for him to go to work a bit later and see the kids a lot longer in thr mornings. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/worklife-balance-of-husband#post-2875427 Thu, 07 Mar 2019 20:10:26 +0000 Foodnerd81 2875427@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We had a similar situation, when our second was born, but we lived in the city and a short commute, and then even worse when we moved to the suburbs with an hour commute each way. What worked best was what @snarkybiochemist: suggested- he would have to be on a certain train, but then he would work on the train, be home for bedtime, then pick back up finishing work after the kids were in bed. Not really the best for our relationship since we had precious little time for just the two of us, but better overall and he got to see the kids. But still- it’s totally exhausting for the one whose solo parenting all the time. We also tried to have something like one designated night he could work late and take whatever train home, so he could really push for the earlier train the other days, but it just didn’t work out usually. </p> <p>Now, he works from home full time. It comes with its own drawbacks but basically he works all day, then at bedtime he comes out and does his share of bath and bed, then finishes work after. But that’s clearly not an option for everyone. </p> <p>Still if there is any way he can work on the train and after bedtime it can help a lot. Does he have any intentions of trying to make a change? Like new job, new hours, new location? That was the thing for me- I could deal with it short term but I couldn’t get on board with this just being how it is forever. </p> <p>But you are way nicer than me. I pretty much bitched and moaned about it for a year. :bummed: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/worklife-balance-of-husband#post-2875425 Thu, 07 Mar 2019 20:06:02 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2875425@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m the working partner in the situation, we have a 6mo and 4.5yo. I guess my initial thought would be how much flexibility does he have with his job: can he work from home, can he switch to the closer office, is there a faster commute/train option/driving, is he able to cut his hours/shift to going in earlier/4 day week, etc. If you don’t know then that could be a start to the conversation. I would frame it as you’re feeling nervous and perhaps overwhelmed at the prospect of returning to work and continuing this way. Explain to him how difficult it is in the evenings and you want to work together to make it more even. I don’t think you have to present it as demanding or angry, but I don’t think it needs to be gentle either. Just because he works now, doesn’t mean that he gets to do less parenting/home stuff. I would be firm and say it’s not working now so it won’t work when you have to go back to your job either and you need to come together as a team to figure it out.</p> <p>Also, if there isn’t any leeway in his hours/commute/location, there are other ways he can help and take over. Meal planning, batch cooking, grocery shopping and errands. Laying out the kids clothes and packing lunches for you all. This could help take a lot off your plate. When I worked late, I would often prepare dinner before I left, clean or do a grocery pick up so DW just had to heat things up and there was less to do on the weekend. </p> <p>For him, I would hope if there is some flex in his job, he can feel confident to have a meeting with his boss and discuss options to balance while kids are young and not feel one ounce of guilt I basically told my bosses I needed to cut back this year and go to 4 days of work, 1 evening vs 2, no work obligations outside work hours. They are easy to deal with so no biggie but still. DW and I discussed what would be feasible and I presented my choices. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/worklife-balance-of-husband#post-2875423 Thu, 07 Mar 2019 19:53:15 +0000 snarkybiochemist 2875423@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LindsayInNY: would he/his work be ok with him answering emails from home/train. The only way my husband gets out on time or on timeish is by just leaving at a designated time and then working on emails or other tasks at home after dinner and bedtime. He gets to be home and present with E for the limited time we have with her in the evenings but then gets back to work. He typically puts in 30min-1hr doing emails and other tasks that just didn't get done during the day. I use this time to do various things around the house and decompress and then we come together after that to relax together and connect. Its not a perfect system but it works for us in that at least he is home and can hang out with E before getting back to work and he is still getting everything done he needs to. Maybe something like this will work for you, particularly if he can get some stuff done while on the train. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/worklife-balance-of-husband#post-2875422 Thu, 07 Mar 2019 19:39:17 +0000 LindsayInNY 2875422@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cake2017: Yeah it definitely needs to be gentle. I know he’s not doing it by choice per se. But I’ve told him that his inbox will never be empty. He’ll aways have work to do. I don’t know if it’s manager expectations? Like if he’s getting deadline on top of deadline? But then say I can’t have X due Friday and Y due Monday, what about Tuesday? I’m not him so maybe easier said than done, I don’t know. It’s just that adding a second kid makes it harder. I do all of daycare. I did before. But bedtime is rough. And going in early doesn’t help things either. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/worklife-balance-of-husband#post-2875420 Thu, 07 Mar 2019 19:36:11 +0000 cake2017 2875420@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would address it but in a gentle way. Sounds like he can’t help the commute or what location he can work at? So not necessarily his fault or choice.</p> <p>Maybe share how you feel and together make a plan for when you return to work? </p> <p>My husband works long hours. I do all the evening routines by myself but he does drop off. Baby # 2 is coming so we will need to game plan. I’d just share your stress and fears with him and hear what he has to say! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/worklife-balance-of-husband#post-2875416 Thu, 07 Mar 2019 19:25:30 +0000 LindsayInNY 2875416@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DD2 arrived mid-December. DH took 8 weeks parental leave after (he only had one week vacation with DD1). He’s been back for one month. He typically leaves at 7:10am (we all leave together when I’m working) and gets home at 7:45pm. His commute is roughly 1:15-1:30 each way on public transit. When he works from their HQ, it’s only about 45 minutes maybe. </p> <p>Here’s my “problem.” The balance. He’s been trying to work from HQ more which is great. But he doesn’t leave at his same time, which would mean an earlier train home. He basically works longer and takes the normal train. This week he’s come home late 4 nights in a row now. I’m not yet back at work but I’m doing solo bedtime with 3.5 year old and 3 month old when he’s late. He might be home to see 3.5 year old but not baby. I don’t know how to bring this up or if I should at all. I know he’s not choosing to necessarily work late. But I feel like he needs to set some sort of boundary some nights - a hard stop, if you will - unless there’s some crucial deadline. Even when I’m back at work, I’m solo for daycare pickup, dinner, bath nights, etc. But the solo bedtimes and him not seeing the girls sucks. </p> <p>Should I address it? How to do so delicately? I know he doesn’t love his job so I don’t want to add additional stress to his plate (work to live, not live to work...). </p>