https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 17 May 2026 14:37:21 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation/page/2#post-1392037 Sat, 01 Feb 2014 11:12:39 +0000 HolisticMama 1392037@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: My in-laws are EXACTLY the same way. I would think we were SILs if I didn't know DH was an only child. </p> <p>DH's parents are very aware that everyone gets to choose how they spend their hard earned money. My FIL doesn't spend a dime. And my MIL is taking me to Venice in April...just because she can. She also wants to start gifting us money in an account as to start reducing the estate? (I have NO idea what that means, because I come from a family who lived paycheck to paycheck.) But I trust their judgement and decisions. And they seem to do the same for us. </p> <p>Do they respect the other choices you make in life?<br /> If so- I don't think this would be an uncomfortable situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation/page/2#post-1392020 Sat, 01 Feb 2014 10:53:41 +0000 MrsSCB 1392020@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I haven't read all of the responses, but I just wanted to say that some people like to show their love with money. My mom is like that -- she's always buying me random things, she loves giving gifts, and whenever we're home, she insists on paying for all meals out, etc. My H has actually intercepted the waiter before to pay for dinner because he knew she would try to do it herself, haha. That's just how she is -- generous almost to a fault. It sounds like your ILs are lovely people and very generous like my mom. It doesn't sound like they give gifts with strings attached, but because they enjoy it. And from your update it sounds like they don't mind the car at all. So I would just do what you think is the best fit your family :-) I get where you're coming from, though, it took awhile for my H to not feel awkward about my mom spending money on us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation/page/2#post-1391956 Sat, 01 Feb 2014 10:21:41 +0000 Maysprout 1391956@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: Oh that's a decent amount of driving. I'd def look at the miles per gallon (or litre) for both highway and city miles. They should be on the car specs for both cars but you might want to also look at reviews to see what people say they're getting. Sometimes the smaller engines people tend to drive harder to get the car moving so end up being less efficient than they say. But usually smaller cars are lighter and thus get better gas mileage but some of the newer cars are getting decently nice fuel efficient engines. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation/page/2#post-1391760 Sat, 01 Feb 2014 06:37:59 +0000 Cherrybee 1391760@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wonderstruck: I'm usually a bit more like your husband! That's probably why I'm feeling so uncomfortable about this and perhaps projecting it on my inlaws - because they are actually really fine with it it transpires. It's just not my way....!! </p> <p>@Maysprout: That's a great question. The smaller, sensible car is a 1.2 litre engine compared to the 1.6 engine in the bigger car. So, around the city, the smaller car would be cheaper to run. However, I do 400 - 500 motorway miles per week so a bigger engine would probably be more fuel efficient for my commute. </p> <p>@OpinionsLikeKittens: Yeah, I guess they're not *that* frugal if they do things like that. I generally feel like a charity case with them - like "poor you, your dryer is expensive to run, here have a new one you poor things, it will save you money going forward". It's probably more my paranoia then their intention. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation/page/2#post-1390528 Fri, 31 Jan 2014 13:42:18 +0000 reverie 1390528@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Are they really that frugal if they are replacing your dryer b/c they don't like your previous model? If you can afford your life with zero help from them and want the car then I wouldn't feel weird at all. If it pushes your budget and something breaks and you need help from the inlaws it might be a little weird? But mostly you're grownups, I wouldn't let this be a factor. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation/page/2#post-1390441 Fri, 31 Jan 2014 13:18:22 +0000 Maysprout 1390441@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What's the difference in gas costs between the two cars? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation/page/2#post-1390244 Fri, 31 Jan 2014 12:24:23 +0000 wonderstruck 1390244@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I'm so glad you updated to clarify! Those details you added, and knowing what you actually mean when you say affordable, makes such a big difference. Now that I know those things I would say get the nicer car. My DH would say get the more reasonable car and put the extra money in savings or stocks/bonds, or towards your mortgage if you have one. But he's a nut about finances, he literally never buys anything for himself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation/page/2#post-1390097 Fri, 31 Jan 2014 11:44:33 +0000 kjpugs 1390097@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: that makes more sense!!!! So if you had to it would work, but it would just be tighter than you'd like. That's great!</p> <p>If you are uncomfortable with the "extravagence" compared to what your in laws are comfortable with, maybe you or DH can mention to them that you were looking at cars and found a phenomenal deal on XYZ car. Maybe fib a little and talk up the deal and how it was almost the same as ABC (practical) car, but XYZ car has these features (mention anything safety related maybe that is a "pro" or practical thigns, like seat warmers). If you mention that you can feel them out. Maybe they'll say "I can't imagine you getting a car like that, what a waste of money, blah blah blah" and you might just not feel right getting it after them putting it down. OR maybe they say "oh that sounds like a great deal!" or even just not seem to care at all. That way you can feel them out to see if it bothers them before you pull the trigger. I completely understand taht when you rely on people for something, you feel almost a sense of obligation. Sounds like they'll probably be fine with it (and that you should be fine either way) but perhaps their "approval" might help make pulling the trigger easier :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation/page/2#post-1390062 Fri, 31 Jan 2014 11:35:15 +0000 Cherrybee 1390062@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaMoose: @blackbird: @kjpugs: @wonderstruck: When I said we couldn't afford any car if we had to pay for full time daycare I didn't mean that we couldn't make the payments..... I work as a money advisor (debt counselling, welfare benefits advice, budgeting advice etc) so I'm super, super cautious. I just looked at our budget with that scenario in mind and if the part time child care was withdrawn by my inlaws our expendable income (including food shopping money) would be £560pcm. That's not including DH's quarterly bonuses or my work expense payments (which never count when you design a budget!). So it's doable but in my opinion not *affordable* without their childcare help - I prefer to have a lot more money to play with/put into short term savings etc. I'm a money worrier - which is why we're in a good place financially (like, we don't have debt), it has served us well!! </p> <p>@mediagirl: You know what? The truth is - it's not that I think it's not the best idea, I'm just embarrassed by the size and the apparent flashiness of the thing! The sensible family car option is only £50 a month cheaper and £7 a month cheaper to insure (that's less than our gym memberships which we never use!!) but it looks boring and sensible which is what I think "people like me" should have. </p> <p>By way of an update, for anyone who's interested, we test drove the car today and, while we had it, we took it to my inlaws' house to show them. My FIL (who is the brains behind their financial decisions) loved it and was really excited about it. My MIL was a little anxious about whether we could afford it but my FIL explained about the payment plan and assured her we can. He then offered us money as a deposit! We refused of course! We're still not 100% decided - we're test driving the super sensible option over the weekend - but I needn't have worried about my inlaws' reaction. I'm still a little embarrassed though..... I'm embarrassed that they keep giving us money - I feel like we should act poor (saving every single penny we save) to show our gratitude (and many of you agree). Hmm...... what to do.....! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation/page/2#post-1390036 Fri, 31 Jan 2014 11:27:15 +0000 wonderstruck 1390036@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I understand your situation OP because my ILs also are always wanting to help us financially, and I wasn't really comfortable with it because I felt like the money had strings - I didn't want to accept their money if it meant having to run my decisions and purchases by them, or hearing snarky remarks about it. My situation is a bit different because my DH works full-time for his family business, and honestly he's not super well paid, so we have accepted certain things from them - like a company car that they let him use for personal use as well. But when it comes to other big things (my car, help with house payments, child care, etc.) I have said no and that we would prefer to take care of it on our own. This is a bad dynamic you have with them - getting help when you really need it, like DH's car when his was on it's last leg, is one thing - but letting them buy you a new dryer because yours wasn't energy efficient? A dishwasher? I'd rather hand wash the dishes than let my ILs pay for that.</p> <p>Sorry, I'm kind of getting off track here...but basically I don't think that the fancy new car is a good idea. You are a married couple with kids, and it seems to me that you should WANT to be able to be financially independent, build up your savings, etc. Buying a fancier car than you need is not going to help you attain those goals. I know it's temping - I absolutely LOATHE my car and how much I spend on repairs for that piece of crap. But the fact that you couldn't afford ANY car if it weren't for the childcare and financial assistance your ILs give you tells me that yes, there is likely to be some judging and resentment if you splurge on something more extravagant. I would get the smaller more basic car if I were in your shoes. Live within your means. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation/page/2#post-1389820 Fri, 31 Jan 2014 10:23:02 +0000 nana87 1389820@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Modern Daisy: that's a lot like how my parents are. Except with us, aside from my parents just being incredibly generous, and wanting to see us happily using it rather than waiting until they've passed away, some of it is "fairness" too because my brother/sil were financially dependent on them for awhile while they were in law and medical school as new parents. while dh and I still live within our means despite their gift, my bro's fam isn't as concerned about that and it definitely has caused them tension in the past. (Example: my parents helped them buy a house, and then they decided to spend a lot of money on unnecessary landscaping.) My parents would never stop helping out--that just isn't them--but I do see how they (mostly silently) judge my brother's choices sometimes.</p> <p>That said, a car is a necessary purchase for you, cherrybee, with your long commute! If this one makes the most sense in the long-term, with ease of care/maintenance/etc, then if your in-laws are like my parents, they'd be happy for you as long as they saw that it was a well-thought out decision </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation/page/2#post-1389671 Fri, 31 Jan 2014 09:44:55 +0000 Modern Daisy 1389671@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I deal with this all the time because my parents do the same thing for DH and I. It's a slippery slope because we don't ever want to be dependant on the money they give us to fund our lifestyle, but at the same time I mean, they're extremely well off and really happy to help us out.</p> <p>What we've worked out with them for the most part is we will accept a one-time gift, like a down payment on a home (that we can easily afford the payments on), or gifting us one of their cars, etc. But if it's a recurring monetary gift like paying our insurance or providing child care then we don't go spending on other things factoring that into our budget. Because we don't really consider it part of our spending ability, it could stop at anytime. And we will actually be in the market for a new car soon and could easily afford a luxury SUV based on the gifts we have received from them, but we'd never buy one because 1) we couldn't really afford it without all of their generosity and 2) they don't buy flashy things themselves, so it would just feel wrong. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation#post-1389641 Fri, 31 Jan 2014 09:33:21 +0000 MamaMoose 1389641@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would agree with @blackbird: that you really can't afford this car if your ability to pay for it is dependent on receiving free child care. What if something happened to one of your inlaws and they were no longer able to take care of the baby? I think the smart move is for you guys to be prepared financially for that possibility, so to me it doesn't seem like a great time to be buying a new car, particularly a fancy one. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation#post-1389575 Fri, 31 Jan 2014 09:03:47 +0000 Dandelion 1389575@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: "you've already got a pushchair, why do you need another?"</p> <p>That's my mother right in that sentence. I told her I want to trade up my old stroller (that's almost 7 years old and has been sitting in their shed for the past 4) for a nice new one and she asks why, since this one is perfectly fine. It's so commonplace with her and it drives me crazy.</p> <p>I'd say, if you can afford it, then get the car. I'm sure they wouldn't give up their 3 days a week with your LO just out of some sort of principle they have. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation#post-1389564 Fri, 31 Jan 2014 08:58:03 +0000 blackbird 1389564@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly, i would hesitate to say that you can afford that vehicle. You certainly can't without the generosity of your family, and it could be perceived as taking advantage of said generosity in order to have the pimped out ride. Plus, the maintenance on that car will be expensive, too. </p> <p>It's just different when it's YOUR parents giving you the money versus your IN LAWS. It just is. If you feel weird about it, go with your gut. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation#post-1389548 Fri, 31 Jan 2014 08:43:00 +0000 kjpugs 1389548@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What makes me nervous is when you said you couldn't afford ANY car with full time daycare. I get apprehensive about really relying on the kindness of others. With the money they're helping you save, is there some debt or something you could pay off, to make it more affordable for you to buy a new car down the line a bit? Do you absolutely need a new car now? Could you do with a used car even though you had that experience with repairs on one previously- maybe one with a warranty, or do more research (I've had great experiences with a used car, AND I've spent a ton on maintenance for our car that was new in 2010, so I've been on both sides and honestly it isn't much different, IMO.)</p> <p>Regardless of their opinions maybe changing something, you really need to consider that you are counting on them for something and the bottom could fall out- if they decide to not help you anymore, or if something happens to them (God forbid.) We lived in our in-laws for a little while before moving to save money, and we handled it the same as @daniellemybelle:. Just because they saved us, say, $500 in rent each month (we had to pay them a small rent) and $200 or so in cable/utilities, didn't mean we had $700 to kick around how we wanted. We saved it up for the move, and put it towards paying off some things. You have a great situation with your IL's watching LO, but you don't want to take it for granted.</p> <p>(PS- Sorry if this comes off ranty! Not my intention.) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation#post-1389544 Fri, 31 Jan 2014 08:33:15 +0000 DillonLion 1389544@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@daniellemybelle: agreed </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation#post-1389529 Fri, 31 Jan 2014 08:23:43 +0000 mediagirl 1389529@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It sounds to me like you're thinking this car isn't actually the best idea ever. If I was in your situation, I would buy a used car, one that would still carry my family and me safely, and save up until I had the cash to buy the new, fancy car. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation#post-1389525 Fri, 31 Jan 2014 08:21:13 +0000 illumina 1389525@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: Oh, lovely! I would love something that big now, because our sporty looking 3 door Astra that was cool when we bought it 5yrs ago is now not so practical with a baby!! *whispers* sometimes I secretly hope something will go wrong with it soon so we can have an excuse to buy something else!</p> <p>Given everything you have said, I wouldn't feel bad about getting the car :) I know what you mean about the situation though because it's similar with my parents--they are super frugal, never been on exotic holidays, bought fancy cars, both retired in their early 50's and have a lovely, but modest house. They basically save everything and try and give us money to help out with bigger purchases. I feel bad though because we usually accept their money (which would be adequate enough) and then put it together with our own money to buy the best item possible. I dunno, I've kind of gotten over it recently though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation#post-1389194 Thu, 30 Jan 2014 21:32:11 +0000 Boogs 1389194@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My thoughts... </p> [attach=186/14/n08vfd.236x244.image.jpg] https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation#post-1389169 Thu, 30 Jan 2014 21:09:59 +0000 anonysquire 1389169@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You deserve to have a pimped out ride! You don't ask them for money so no need to be ashamed! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation#post-1388455 Thu, 30 Jan 2014 16:04:31 +0000 Cherrybee 1388455@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@daniellemybelle: I appreciate your perspective. It's kinda how I feel, although not how DH feels of course.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation#post-1388447 Thu, 30 Jan 2014 16:03:14 +0000 Cherrybee 1388447@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: We couldn't afford any car (even the ones we've got!) if we had to pay full time nursery fees!! They're £940 a month at our nursery!! </p> <p>The other car is £2000 cheaper. It works out £50 a month cheaper for us to buy, plus £7 a month cheaper to insure. It's wonderfully utilitarian though so it's less of a rub in the face to family who fall over themselves to help us financially!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation#post-1388396 Thu, 30 Jan 2014 15:51:54 +0000 mrbee 1388396@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would get the less exciting car until you're in a place financially where you're not dependent on family childcare! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation#post-1388387 Thu, 30 Jan 2014 15:49:04 +0000 Greentea 1388387@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@daniellemybelle: I think it is good to think critically and offer different perspectives. I am following along! :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation#post-1388368 Thu, 30 Jan 2014 15:44:38 +0000 daniellemybelle 1388368@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I will dissent slightly... I would be a little nervous to make a purchase that is, in your words, extravagant when I'm also getting help from parents. I can say this because I am in a similar situation - when I got pregnant my parents offered for us to move in with them to save money. Thankfully they don't weigh in on our financial decisions, but I am still conscious of being frugal because they didn't allow us to live with them just so we can have nicer things, you know? The money we save by living with them is just that - saved. If you could afford the car AND full-time daycare, then I'd say go for it, but if I were you in this situation I probably wouldn't go for it. Not because of their disapproval of your spending choices (which is not cool) but because you said they offered to babysit so you could save money, not buy a new car. That's just my perspective from my own experience though! I hope I'm not sounding harsh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation#post-1388357 Thu, 30 Jan 2014 15:42:43 +0000 Cherrybee 1388357@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: I understood what you meant and why you said it. They've even said as much - that they want to give DH what they can now, while he needs it and while they can enjoy watching him benefit from it, not when he's 60 as an "inheritance". I wish I could get it through my thick head, haha! </p> <p>@Greentea: We haven't made our final decision yet..... but, oh my, I love this car!! :grin: </p> <p>@CupQuakeWalk: I love your reply. You're right! :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation#post-1388324 Thu, 30 Jan 2014 15:34:15 +0000 Greentea 1388324@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would do your best to go with what YOU (and DH) feel right about. Sometimes the more expensive purchase IS the better purchase. If you feel good about the purchase be strong. If you have second thoughts for your own reasons... keep looking! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation#post-1388318 Thu, 30 Jan 2014 15:32:46 +0000 CupQuakeWalk 1388318@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>They are generous to you not because they think you're poor but because sometimes older parents of grown children feel like the only way they can "help" you anymore, because you are not a child anymore, is by paying for things. Ultimately, they give you things because your husband is their son :heart: and they want to make your lives easier.<br /> As far as buying the car goes, I do get how you would feel awkward. This is my approach and I kow it is not for everyone but I would feel best just being honest with them and involving them in a positive way, like you're telling them of your great deal. Say, "man, we came across a great deal which we would never be able to afford usually, but they are willing to take my car as a trade-in and the new car is everything we need for work, the baby..blablabla" That way, they will know you didn't just walk in there and dump all this money down and say "give me the best car on the lot!" Also, they will be happy for you because when they help you, it is so you will succeed. But, i totally get your feelings. 100%. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-be-uncomfortable-in-this-situation#post-1388310 Thu, 30 Jan 2014 15:28:36 +0000 JennyLayneAZ 1388310@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think if you can afford and want a new vehicle, then you should by all means buy it. Just because they buy everything second hand doesn't mean you have to! </p>