https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 08 May 2026 05:00:59 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2315123 Fri, 09 Oct 2015 15:20:53 +0000 daniellemybelle 2315123@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry for your loss.</p> <p>I don't know if it has been mentioned earlier, but there is a really good episode of The Longest Shortest Time podcast about death and kids. It is more for older kids but there are stories of kids who lost loved ones to suicide. They explained it very matter-of-factly. One explanation was that one way to die is that a part of a person's body gets sick, like someone can get cancer in their leg, but this loved one was sick in their brain and that's why they died. This was for older kids (elementary school) but the podcast may still be helpful. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2315062 Fri, 09 Oct 2015 14:09:15 +0000 Rockies11 2315062@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hummusgirl: I think it's totally appropriate to bring a 3 year old to a funeral. I think I would make the decision based on what would be helpful to you/DH. For me, I would like to have the kids there for a distraction. My DH wouldn't because he gets really stressed when they make noise somewhere where it's supposed to be quiet. So if he was seriously greiving and needed undivided attention, I would not bring the kids. If it were a funeral on my side, I would bring them. </p> <p>As far as talking about suicide goes, I have thought about it for a long time as losing a battle to the disease of depression. I haven't read anything about developmentally appropriate ways to talk about it with children, but in the long term I would like them to know that mental health problems can be very serious and should be as diligently treated as physical problems. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2315056 Fri, 09 Oct 2015 13:58:09 +0000 Maysprout 2315056@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry. Id bring them for family and just have people lined up who would be willing to walk out with them (might be a good job for an SO who's there and could use some breaks). Kids are a wonderful distraction but they're so demanding and grieving people often don't have much more to give. The most annoyed I've been with parenting is after experiencing an unexpected loss of a loved one. I needed some time on my own to grieve. I wish I had gotten people to watch the kids more bc kids don't give you much of a chance to go through your thoughts and process what happened. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313736 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 13:48:09 +0000 Mae 2313736@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry. </p> <p>We took LO at 13 mo to my grandmother's wake and funeral. I left it up to my dad, because it was his mom, and I knew she would be a challenge. But he said he wanted her there. Through the wake she was actually a fabulous distraction, and my husband did all of the wrangling/chasing of her so I could do the family thing. During the burial she was okay with lots of snacks. During the church service she was awful so my husband took her to the nursery for most of it. </p> <p>I'd leave it up to your husband/MIL. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313728 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 13:30:19 +0000 Raindrop 2313728@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just wanted to say so sorry for your lost. Dealing with sudden death (or any death) is tough.</p> <p>For someone that close I would bring all my kids no matter what age. I would just deal with the mis-behaving if there were any. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313713 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 13:16:56 +0000 Greentea 2313713@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hummusgirl: For my Dad, we had a private funeral service, just me, my sisters, and our husbands, the morning before the actual service. It was actually a wonderful thing. The pastor was able to talk to us, you know- more privately and we sang hymns, and talked about exactly what happened (he was very close with the pastor). Then we had the public service after, so he got 2 services! Definitely something to consider. Also, my mom was there and she watched LO during the actual service so that I didn't have to do anything but experience and hear the service.</p> <p>Basically, she was in the lobby and the private family room they provided while the service occurred, but was still there, and she was there for the visitation and the burial. Since burials are outside, it isn't a problem having kids there. Do you have someone who can come to the events but take/watch LO when you need them to? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313630 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 12:07:36 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2313630@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@regberadaisy: the funerals I have attended are typically in the three parts 1) wake/ viewing (held the night before at the funeral home or before the funeral service begins) then 2) funeral service (at a church or funeral parlor) 3) burial at cemetery (held the same day as the funeral or day after). The repast (gathering with food &amp; drink) always held after the funeral service. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313616 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 11:53:17 +0000 regberadaisy 2313616@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Can someone explain the difference between wake/service/funeral to me? For me it's just at the funeral parlor (wake?) and the funeral at the cemetery.<br /> If I had the option I would bring them to the funeral parlor but not the burial. I think the burial might be harder to process for kids. And it's also the situation where it is harder for the adults to keep it together. So if there is someone you trust to watch the kids but won't want to make it to the burial, that's what I would do.</p> <p>While it's hard for the adult and child, I think it is respectful for them to attend the wake at the very least. But then I come from a different culture. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313585 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 11:27:10 +0000 hummusgirl 2313585@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wonderstruck: He's not sure. He and his sister are caught up with logistics right now (it's a complicated situation because he lived in a different country but they're transporting the body, etc.). My thinking is evolving...it may be best to leave DS out of the service itself so I can really be there for DH but bring him back later - with his older cousins too - and have kind of a private memorial so they can get some closure. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313558 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 11:09:15 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2313558@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Now that I think about it my two cousins with children did not bring their kids to our granfather's funeral. One cousin has school age kids and her kids were at school. The other had two toddlers at the time and both him &amp; his wife we're deeply grieving. Their older son, over 12, attended. Seeing the little ones at the repast lifted everyone's spirits though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313545 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 10:59:44 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2313545@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: Yea at my grandfathers funeral, my two cousins that brought their kids had to sit in the back of the church while the rest of the family was up front. When we wanted to take a cousin picture, he was always with one of the kids having to change a diaper, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313536 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 10:49:32 +0000 wonderstruck 2313536@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What does your DH want to do? My grandma who I was close to passed away this year, and while I brought my two year old and baby to the viewing/visitation, but not for the funeral. I knew I was really going to need my DH and I just preferred to go through that without them there since I knew it would be the hardest part for me. I'm sorry about your FIL. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313531 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 10:45:34 +0000 ShootingStar 2313531@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If you have the option to not take him, that's what I would do for the funeral. It will be hard for him to sit still and be quiet, and it may be tough on your DH to have your son being less than cooperative. If you leave DS with someone else, you can also provide better support to your DH.</p> <p>My grandfather died a couple years ago and I was pissed that my mom's cousin brought their youngest child (about 2-3) who couldn't keep still, kept talking, singing, etc. It was really tough to keep it together and I felt like they were being rude by having her there.</p> <p>But if there's a wake, I would bring DS to that. It's a lot less quiet and formal and he may be a welcome distraction. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313501 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 10:08:41 +0000 regberadaisy 2313501@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so so sorry for your loss. How awful and sudden. How's your husband doing? :heart: </p> <p>I would bring my 3 year old and expect questions. The Longest shortest time just did a segment on this. They had a guest on that used to be a preschool / K teacher and is now in the business of death. They talked about different ways to approach the topic depending on your comfort level.</p> <p>My BIL passed away suddenly almost 5 years ago. Our one niece was 3.5. She asked questions and my MIL went the route of God. MIL was so distraught that her parents let that run even though they're not super religious. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313496 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 10:01:39 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2313496@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We recently took her to more of a celebration of life and she did fine (didn't really pay attention and had to step out with her a few times). But I think had there been lots of tears and upset adults that would have been too hard for her to see. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313494 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 10:00:53 +0000 hummusgirl 2313494@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you all. It's helpful to see what others have done and I will check out the Sharing Place info, @woodentulip. </p> <p>We did take LO to his great-grandfather's funeral when he was 5 months old but that seemed easier - it was more expected (cancer) and LO of course had no idea what was going on. It's going to be just a graveside burial service and I am inclined to bring him to help him process everything and make it seem like just another part of life, even if it's sad. We'll see. Really appreciate your experiences. </p> <p>@Greentea: I'm sorry for your loss. My FIL had fallen on some hard times so there was sort of a circumstantial "reason." I'm trying to be compassionate but it's hard not to be angry that he would do this to his loved ones. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313487 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 09:52:38 +0000 catomd00 2313487@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>How awful I'm so sorry! I think it's a personal choice, but I would bring my child. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313467 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 09:36:41 +0000 .twist. 2313467@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry for your loss. :( </p> <p>My uncle commit suicide when I was around 7, I think? I didn't go to that funeral. I think it was a lot more emotional for people because it was so unexpected. I don't think my mom felt it was appropriate at the time. </p> <p>I'm not totally sure what I would do, but if I had to do something right now, I would just be inclined to leave him home. Death is hard as is. With an unexpected death, and a violent death, you have a lot more to process. Children would add a lot of stress, for me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313452 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 09:26:21 +0000 californiadreams 2313452@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so sorry for your loss. I can only begin to imagine what effect this is having and will have on your family :( </p> <p>Given that my son is almost 3, i cannot imagine him sitting quietly through a funeral. I'd have to bring stuff to entertain him, which I would feel weird doing at a funeral.</p> <p>Another option would be to sit in the back and be ready to step out if need be. But it is up to you if you want to do since I imagine you want to sit up front with your DH. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313397 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 08:55:01 +0000 MamaG 2313397@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry for your family's loss. </p> <p>My MIL died last year, right after my LO turned three. It was an out of state funeral and we absolutely took her. We didn't have a lot of choice. I had prepared myself and my DH that I might not be very supportive because I might need to be outside with LO if she was rambunctious. </p> <p>Honestly, she did okay. But she was a large (welcome) distraction to the family. I answered any questions she had. I was straightforward with my answers and used terms that I felt she could understand.</p> <p>And in our case, MIL's grandkids were very important to her. Even if they all ran around the funeral home screaming and playing, that's what SHE would have wanted. Her grandkids WITH her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313386 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 08:47:53 +0000 peachykeen 2313386@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry for your loss. We did bring my 7 month old (at the time) to my mother's funeral back in March, so while not the same age, I do have a few tips. </p> <p>Firstly, I would go with what's most comfortable for you and your husband. If you don't feel up to having the kids with you, leave them with a sitter. However, I do think it can be significant for children to be able to better understand and process the death if they can attend the funeral. </p> <p>If you do bring the kids, try to designate a family friend or less close family member to hand them off too if they get out of control during the funeral itself. My daughter was very well behaved the whole weekend of the funeral, but she did get a little fussy during the funeral Mass itself (it was nap time), so we passed her off to my uncle sitting behind us and he soothed her right to sleep for us. It helped me so much to know I had that extra support available if I needed it, and I could concentrate on the service and my emotions when I needed to. </p> <p>Lastly, if your LO or niece/nephew misbehave during the funeral events, I would not feel bad and embarrassed - they have just as much right to be there as anyone else, and everyone processes loss in different ways. They just lost their grandfather, and I really think the other mourners will understand.</p> <p>Sending support as you go through this hard week and the months beyond! :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313342 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 08:18:30 +0000 BandDmommy 2313342@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry for your loss. I personally would not bring my 3 year old because I would worry he would misbehave. I feel it would be easier on him to leave him at a sitter. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313318 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 07:54:18 +0000 Greentea 2313318@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hummusgirl: RE: suicide- we decided it wasn't necessary to mention Dad's way of passing at the funeral, so that really didn't come up for us. Long term though, I approach suicide with compassion. I think each suicide is very personal and unique to that person and their circumstances. Maybe an approach like, "this is never an option or answer, if you ever feel down you can talk to me and we can always get help to make things better." It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem- always. I don't judge, because, for instance, both parents that took their lives were going through some legal trouble they worried would hurt their family. I don't condone it, but someone must be really suffering to do it, and that's where maybe the approach, "if you are ever suffering, talk to me or I will help you find someone you can talk to," might be a good tactic. I don't have all the answers, but those are some of my ideas! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313292 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 07:34:19 +0000 LuLu Mom 2313292@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost a grandpa to suicide when I was 17, it's not an easy thing to remember or to explain to the younger kids. </p> <p>As for the funeral, we lost my grandma in August and we took my almost 3 year old. It was important for me to have my entire family with me, however she wasn't very well behaved. Luckily my husband handled her so I could grieve/concentrate on the funeral and my best friend was sitting in the back and eventually took her out with her so my husband could come back in to support me.</p> <p> I would highly suggest having someone (maybe your mom or dad if they are local) to come and help if you need it to help take care of LO. Your husband will need your support as this was such a sudden loss, his grieving will probably be harder. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313283 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 07:24:51 +0000 Greentea 2313283@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hummusgirl: I am sorry for your loss. I know your family must be going through so, so much, and my thoughts are with you and your DH.</p> <p>RE: bringing children- yes- absolutely. My father committed suicide last fall, and my daughter was 17months, so was my cousin, and there were many toddlers there and children of all ages- at both the visitation and the funeral. There were children of all ages.</p> <p>I think death is a part of life, so I think it natural to involve all people, all ages. Also, we viewed my Dad's funeral and visitation (and we threw a party after!) as a celebration of life and of his life (although there was serious mourning as well). So, if kids had questions, personally I would probably be honest, that everyone passes, but also that it isn't necessarily a bad thing, although we miss those people terribly, they live on inside of us, they are a part of us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313271 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 07:07:22 +0000 MOMTOLITTLEB 2313271@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would probably bring my son to a close family member's funeral. He's so close with his grandparents that it seems like it would be the right thing. I'm so sorry you are in this position. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313262 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 06:46:08 +0000 Eko 2313262@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My grandmother passed away a couple months ago and my aunt did not bring my cousin (almost 5 yo) to the funeral. He was very upset when my aunt told him and kept repeatedly asking to see his nana. I think it is a personal choice. I think my grandmother would've liked it that he was there. I brought my 2 month old son to both the wake and funeral. </p> <p>I'm really sorry for your loss :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313252 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 06:26:04 +0000 travelgirl1 2313252@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so very sorry for your loss.</p> <p>I probably would not bring a 3/4 year old, I think it might be difficult for them being around so many distraught people. I would take a seven-year-old though. I was that age when my grandad died and my parents didn't take me to the funeral. I felt, for years afterwards, as though I never had closure or was able to say goodbye. So that experience has coloured my judgement.</p> <p>Hugs to you :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313234 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 05:47:03 +0000 woodentulip 2313234@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so, so sorry for your loss. &lt;3 </p> <p>My FIL died in August from cancer, and both my kids (ages 3 and 5) came to the funeral. It was a non-religious celebration of life, was an hour long and included many stories about their grandfather. They did so well, though my older daughter was very upset at some points. </p> <p>We were visiting the city my in-laws live in when he died, though he had just gone into the hospital and my kids were staying with my parents. We decided to tell them about how he died based on the suggestions I heard on a podcast from The Sharing Place (a gried centre for children). Their website is <a href="http://www.thesharingplace.org/" rel="nofollow">http://www.thesharingplace.org/</a> and they have some good resources. </p> <p>I found that my 3 year old didn't really give much weight to how her grandfather died, but my 5 year old really, really did. My 3 year old was satisfied with the information, and then just repeated often that my FIL had died. </p> <p>Again, I am so sorry for your loss... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-bring-3-yo-to-funeral-and-explaining-death#post-2313231 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 05:39:46 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2313231@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sorry for your loss :sad: </p> <p>I would take a LO to a close family member's funeral. I was almost 7 when my grandmother died and I understood the funeral was a final goodbye. I spoke at her funeral and had the opportunity to tuck her in before the casket closed. It was a sad occasion, but not scary. </p>