https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 12 May 2026 00:10:25 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas/page/2#post-2862923 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 09:33:50 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2862923@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First off I want to say I'm sorry you're dealing with in law issues right now. This time of year can be rough. I don't have that particular in law issue but everyone has something.</p> <p>I will give her this, if I had people over for a week and they didn't bother to say goodbye I would think that's pretty rude, and I can't imagine not saying goodbye either, even with the chaos of all the kids being around, meltdowns, etc. BUT it also sounds like there's a lot more going on here than you not saying goodbye, so I'm not putting all the blame on you. And I don't particularly like that she's been upset about stuff for awhile it sounds, but only bringing it up all of a sudden. </p> <p>As for whether you have to go, we aren't very traditional about holidays (dh works a good amount of them) so maybe my opinion isn't worth much but I think if it's likely to end in an argument you're no better off for going. My preference would be have your husband call them today and get things straightened out ahead of time, but of course that could also lead to more arguing.. but for me I would want to just get past this. And if you've apologized and you've made a good effort to figure out these "changes" she's saying need to happen, and she still is acting this way, then the ball is in her court and I'd just go to Christmas and act like nothing is wrong. But that's just me. :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas/page/2#post-2862887 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 06:05:27 +0000 Adira 2862887@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@runnerd: Ugh, conflicts with the in-laws are the worst! I feel you! Not sure if you've seen my NUMEROUS posts about issues with my SMIL, so I totally get where you are coming from!!!</p> <p>BUT just go. Just pretend it didn't happen. SMIL and I have a million issues, but when we get together for holidays, we both just plaster on a fake smile, talk about trivial things, and get through it. I feel like over time, all our fake smiles and trivial conversations are finally starting to make a difference and there's a tiny bit less animosity than there was a few years ago.</p> <p>So go. It will get so much worse if you don't. I think if you can just fake it through the day, you'll feel better. And you'll be past that first initial awkward get-together, so the next time will be even easier. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas/page/2#post-2862886 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 06:00:51 +0000 pachamama 2862886@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your MIL sounds like a 12 year old girl hurt b/c her bestie didn't say hi to her at the football game. Geesh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862884 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 04:11:33 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2862884@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wouldn’t skip and I would make it a point to pull MIL to the side and talk. This talk doesn’t have to be a third apology or anything just a “hey, I’m so glad we get another holiday to spend together- let’s enjoy it.” Then, no matter her reaction you decide to have a good time with your kids, husband, and BIL &amp; SIL. Let the positivity fill the room. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862882 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 00:38:54 +0000 mrs.kiwi 2862882@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This sounds like it could have happened in my in-law family dynamic too. My mil/fil are different but what is similar is the holding onto “offenses” and not being able to understand our situation and sympathize with us if they feel like “our wrongs” crossed the line.</p> <p>Every family dynamic is different.. something very similar happened to us and we just had to suck it up and apologize and be “extra good” until they came around. My DH guided us in this because I had no idea how to proceed. He basically said it sucks we have to do this but I know my parents and this is how we need to keep the relationship.</p> <p>I felt like that kind of treatment was not appropriate but they’re of a different generation and culture so I give them grace even though sometimes I feel like it’s not extended to me. But overall they’re good to us and I love them and I’m grateful for them... so it was definitely a relationship worth saving.</p> <p>It sounds like there are definitely more issues at play as you mentioned and I definitely agree with others that it’d be great if your DH could take the lead on this.</p> <p>Sorry you’re going through it and I kind of know how sucky it is! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862874 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 23:22:09 +0000 Amorini 2862874@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@runnerd: So sorry that you still feel awful. I really agree that what happened was minor and you have done what you can to make up for it. Love covers a multitude of sins out of necessity unless someone out there has a perfect family. And I don’t think yours was even a sin. Maybe not Ms. Manners perfect, but come on.</p> <p>I would really encourage you to go to the brunch if you can get to a good place inside of yourself over the truth of what happened: you were human, you did the best you could in that moment and you are doing the best you can now. If you can release the guilt, I bet you could go over and it won’t feel so loaded even if she’s an ice queen and there’s awkwardness.</p> <p>Someone once said to me that awkwardness is just real life. It doesn’t have to be avoided. Just let it be awkward and be a decent human. You could sit back and observe it all from a third-person perspective. Might even be fascinating!</p> <p>[ETA: Out of the blue,] my FIL recently lambasted me over something that he should have said to DH, his own son. He tends to lay the wrongs of our family dynamic or our relationship on me and never speaks to his son about it. Your incident made me think that maybe your MIL holds you the most responsible over the incidents that drove you all to leave Thanksgiving in such a rush. Like is this flash of anger because she thinks you are the source of what ails your family dynamic? Long story short that’s not to bring more guilt on you but just to say what’s driving her bitterness. My DH needs to step up and address his dad, but hasn’t yet. This is very hard for me and it means that I do not look forward to spending time with his family in the future. So this leads me to heartedly agree that your DH is a huge operator in how brunch pans out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862862 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 21:42:03 +0000 runnerd 2862862@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Appreciate all the thoughts on things. Realizing now it’s not simple because so many little details and history and just patterns of behavior that definitely color how I’m seeing this situation. I feel awful though because it was very pointed at me, and then DH called and defended me and now hasn’t spoken to his parents in almost a month. They usually talk 2-3x a week. I’ve got a strong dose of guilt and anger going on. And agree with @LCTBQE: about Christmas and Thanksgiving being so close :silly: </p> <p>Thanks @SweetiePie: for really getting where I am coming from! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862855 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 21:21:33 +0000 Pollywog 2862855@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So im still struggling to see why you were rude. It's not like you snuck off in the middle if the night. The inlaws weee out there as you were loading the cars. You were rolling down the window so your kiddo could say goodbye. You were clearly departing. Yeah, it would have been nice to waive and say goodbye, but I'm assuming that as you were loading up the cars and getting the kids ready to leave you thanked them for the visit/said how nice it was to see them?</p> <p>My feeling is she's completely overreacting. She probably realized that a long stay is just too much for them and was picking a fight. Go to brunch and ignore her behavior. Classify it as she's being ridiculous </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862852 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 21:18:22 +0000 Mrsbells 2862852@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetiePie: Ah ok. Well then that's on her (MIL) if she refuses to accept a follow up apology. I would still go for xmas though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862848 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 21:04:30 +0000 SweetiePie 2862848@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrsbells: Reading the OPs follow up responses, it sounds to me like she hasn’t. </p> <p>“I told her how sorry I was and exactly honestly why I left the way did and she had zero empathy, just kept repeating she didn’t know anyone who would treat family that way. Then DH called her after and said the same thing to him and if she found out he did that to my family she would be disappointed and he should get help.”</p> <p>“well the email was my attempt to patch things over because I don’t like unresolved things. I had hoped she would respond maturely but her not acknowledging makes me feel even worse.”</p> <p>“My MIL has been known to go 6 months without talking to her own siblings over disagreements that never disclosed details of, so its how she does and I’m not one to play games like that.” </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862845 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 21:00:12 +0000 Mrsbells 2862845@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetiePie: theres nothing in the OP that says her MIL hasnt forgiven her. Her MIL expressed her hurt and said she wanted things to change going forward. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862844 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 20:56:11 +0000 autumnleaves 2862844@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@runnerd: is the brunch relatively close to your house? If so I would go and maybe bring flowers or something she specifically likes and hopefully that would be enough for her to end her behavior? I would not send the gifts back.<br /> Do you generally like how she is with your kids? I would be bothered by the comments about my kids to other family and the spanking behind my back and would want to talk/email about that with her - not at the brunch but another time.<br /> I am sorry you are going through this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862843 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 20:52:23 +0000 winter_wonder 2862843@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wouldn't feel pressure or guilt to go. I'm a believer in saving your sanity and enjoying the holidays. If that means not going, it means not going. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862839 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 20:36:46 +0000 SweetiePie 2862839@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrsbells: Would you not forgive them after they apologized? And hold a grudge for a month? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862838 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 20:25:34 +0000 Mrsbells 2862838@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetiePie: I guess we are all different, but for me personally, hosting family for an entire week is a big deal so for someone to just leave after that would be really rude to me. Yes I get it that it was unintentional. It is still rude. The two things are not mutally exclusive. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862832 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 19:11:27 +0000 SweetiePie 2862832@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrsbells: I don’t think she’s saying she had a good reason. I think she’s saying she had a bad moment and she almost immediately apologized. And then apologized again over email.<br /> Yes her MIL can be hurt, but come on. A human being, especially one who has been a mom with small children, should be able to accept an apology when someone clearly had a bad day and move on. She’s known her for 15 years, clearly this doesn’t happen often (if ever).</p> <p>Also, maybe it’s just me, but if a guest left my home without saying goodbye I would assume it was a mistake or they were distracted. I wouldn’t be calling them all upset and carrying on resentment for weeks at a time. Mayyybe I would call and say “is everything ok? I didn’t get to say goodbye!” </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862829 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 19:07:12 +0000 Mrsbells 2862829@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@runnerd: I understand it was unintentional, but that doesn't mean she can't be hurt by it. I think you are so focused on having what you think is a good reason for leaving like that, so you aren't seeing it from her perspective. In-laws are key people so I carefully choose my battles and this isn't a hill I'd be willing to die on </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862828 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 18:58:49 +0000 Foodnerd81 2862828@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Other people have already said everything I would (yeah it sucks but you have to go). But I also want to say, if people held it against me like that every time I’m accidentally rude because of a kid meltdown, I’d have no friends left. I feel like a disaster every time I leave anywhere. Real friends/ loved ones don’t hold that against you. Of course you should have said goodbye but shit happens with little kids. </p> <p>I agree with the others, let your husband deal with it, but go, don’t linger, make small talk. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862827 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 18:56:20 +0000 SweetiePie 2862827@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@runnerd: and I agree with the last thing you said, about giving you some grace. My MIL and I aren’t besties. We only communicate about logistics, basically. But I’ve had some bad moments since having kids when I just felt it all boiling over and was rude. And I apologized. Her, also being a mom with small kids once, said “don’t even worry, I know it was just a bad day. I’ve been there”. And that was that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862825 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 18:52:54 +0000 SweetiePie 2862825@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@runnerd: personally I don’t think it is a huge deal to skip. You apologized. She didn’t drop it. It’s her problem now, I wouldn’t want to be around her either. Just seems like she’s creating more drama than necessary. Everyone has bad days, clearly you had one. That can be a lapse in judgement. But harping on something and dragging it out for a month isn’t just “having a bad day”. That’s called being an asshole. </p> <p>I guess though if you don’t want to create more drama just go and keep it as brief as possible. Interact with kids instead of adults and act like you’re just playing with them or whatever. be cordial but don’t sit and engage in big conversations. I would get there as late as possible and leave as early as possible and blame it on something kid related like a nap or having a headache. </p> <p>Also, I agree with @LCTBQE: on having your husband take her on. He should be telling her to drop it and move on. It was a bad day, it happens. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862823 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 18:33:12 +0000 runnerd 2862823@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrsbells: it was unintentional to not say goodbye... an oversight in a rough moment. I guess I would think after someone knew me for 15 years and I have a nearly perfect track record of saying goodbye.... there might be a little grace for someone having a hard moment. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862819 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 18:14:46 +0000 Mrsbells 2862819@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@runnerd: I think the honest answer to your question is yes it would be childish to try to avoid them. I dont think you can avoid them forever. I also think it was rude to leave their home without saying goodbye. Short of a medical emergency I dont think anything excuses leaving like that. If you have always gotten along with her, I would work towards getting back in her good books, this seems like something that can be fixed quite easily by facing it head on and speaking to her in person rather than trying to avoid it and allowing it to negatively impact more future events </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862814 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 17:14:07 +0000 josina 2862814@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@runnerd: Well obviously a lot more at play there then... thats tough!! They haven't spoken to your DH at all either? I think I'd default to him on this one and see if he can talk it over with MIL first.<br /> Will he go with the kids if you don't, or will you all stay home? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862811 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 16:37:42 +0000 runnerd 2862811@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@josina: well the email was my attempt to patch things over because I don’t like unresolved things. I had hoped she would respond maturely but her not acknowledging makes me feel even worse. There had been some other comments about our children’s behavior made to my BIL last time IL’s kept them, and they spanked our son then secretly told my husband while not around. And note this son is under an IEP for behavior delays. So we felt like we needed to establish that we make these visits for their benefit and that it no longer seemed to be benefiting us mutually. </p> <p>My MIL has been known to go 6 months without talking to her own siblings over disagreements that never disclosed details of, so its how she does and I’m not one to play games like that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862810 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 16:29:37 +0000 josina 2862810@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It does seem like the original disagreement was blown way out of proportion on both sides maybe? You and DH argued, you left, MIL got upset, you apologized, should've been the end of it. Why the emails after and then no more extended stays?<br /> It seems like the blame for the fight is being put on MIL.. or maybe thats how she feels.<br /> I have a super sensitive MIL also, who has made odd comments, like she doesn't feel welcome at our house, or because I asked if she'd borrowed a pan of mine (we live next door) that I was accusing her of stealing it. Like, totally left-field things, and they were because she was going through some other stuff at home. I actually took her on a girls day after to ease her feelings.<br /> Not saying you should do that, but I do think you should go to Christmas for sure, to save any future awkwardness. If it were my MIL this would totally be blown over by now (same for my mom) so I'd try to forget it and just move on. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862807 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 16:15:50 +0000 crazydoglady 2862807@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LCTBQE: This. It's his mom after all. 🤷 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862806 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 16:14:24 +0000 crazydoglady 2862806@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@runnerd: I see. That definitely changes things. She should have either accepted your apology or explained how you and your husband could smooth things out. How long are you expected to be at brunch? Do you have other things in the day to look forward to? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862794 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 15:14:39 +0000 Autumnmama79 2862794@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@runnerd: I totally get the awkward MIL stuff and desire to avoid. How does your DH feel about missing this brunch? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862793 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 15:05:19 +0000 BadgerMom 2862793@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @ChitownRo:. Yes you have to go, and I would pretend like Thanksgiving never happened. Kill them with kindness, if you will. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-skip-family-christmas#post-2862791 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 15:00:26 +0000 cat620 2862791@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you should go. I have some awkward relationships with people on my husband's side of the family, but everyone during Christmas makes small talk and keeps things friendly, so it's not like me going to an event would cause lots of drama and fighting. Just smile and try to get through the day. </p>