https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 27 Jun 2026 11:17:49 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2314208 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 19:37:07 +0000 Tidybee 2314208@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I could have written this post. I am in the thick of it with a good friend who lives 5 minutes away and our kids are a month apart and have always gotten along. She knows her child is difficult but is not the type of person who would understand that my kid doesn't like hers because they've always played together well. I think DD who is pretty softspoken and mild mannered has been getting frightened by the other child's constant vicious tantrums (easily 3-4 in a typical playdate) and the way my friend and her daughter fight and the way my friend voices her resentment towards her daughter right in front of both kids.<br /> Thankfully, the two kids go to school on different days but my friend is pushing to get them together after school. I've decided that I would a) only meet her out on neutral territory like a park/playground or library where there is something for DD to do and not have to interact with the other child and b) suggest moms' only outings which we are doing this weekend. I also am going to try to tell DD that we will be seeing "mom and child" and that DD can sit with me instead of playing. This is so tough though.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2314192 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 19:27:10 +0000 looch 2314192@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would suggest meeting somewhere else, where it's basically neutral territory. I find my son does better when it's not his stuff and his house, or when it's someone else's stuff and their house, if that makes sense.</p> <p>I also try to make sure there is something to do at a playdate, rather than just leave it open ended and up to the kids to entertain themselves. </p> <p>Lastly, as a parent of a sometimes aggressive kid, I know when he's being out of line and the solution for us is to end the playdate, which is really hard if it's in my own house, you know? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2314058 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 18:15:32 +0000 tofuwad 2314058@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would probably only get together without kids. I have a cousin with three kids and she has a kind of "tough it out" and "no snitching" attitude about a lot of behaviors. So I know that if she saw her kid bullying another kid, she'd see it as kids being kids and she would have the expectation that the bullied kid needs to learn to stand up for himself. And honestly, she's a bit of a bully herself. </p> <p>Because I know she has this attitude, I know I could never confront her about her children's behaviors, I'm just going to have to remove mine from the situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313902 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 15:23:33 +0000 gingerbebe 2313902@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think the next time your friend invites you guys to hang out, I would call her and say that you really do want to hang out, but that you don't think its a great idea because your son had a really hard time the last time and that you don't think its fair to him because he always seems to get bullied or hurt when your kids are together. Tell her that if she has any suggestions on how they can make the interactions better, you're totally game to listen because you value the friendship. And then leave the ball in her court. It may create like an awkward pause in the conversation, but you're just telling her the truth in a non-rude or mean way. If she wants to salvage the friendship, she can try to make proactive steps towards making it better. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313893 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 15:15:05 +0000 rachiecakes 2313893@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@coopsmama: ugh, so sorry! it's tough<br /> I have a friend that has a pretty aggressive (and large!) dog. After hearing a few stories about other kids visiting her and how people need to teach their kids how to be around dogs but not taking responsibility for a pet who knocks over grown people, I stopped bringing J over. Too dangerous (they don't have kids). I feel really bad but if anything ever happened to my son, it would be really, really tough on our friendship and she's one of my very best friends. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313719 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 13:21:32 +0000 Raindrop 2313719@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is a very interesting situation.</p> <p>I personally wouldn’t say anything. I think from watching my child interact with a lot of kids… maybe this kid only acts this way with your kid? You have no idea. I have seen my son’s personality change with who every he ends up playing with. I think kids can sense who is stronger willed than another, sometimes my son is the leader and sometimes he’s the follower.</p> <p>So saying something about it probably will only hurt your friendship.</p> <p>Depending on how close she is to you (I’m not sure, it seems like you are already drifting from her), I would do just girls only meet ups. Otherwise I would just let this friendship fade since it sounds like you are pretty busy anyways, why stress out about one friendship? Hehe. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313703 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 13:08:51 +0000 Autumnmama79 2313703@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Madison43: I agree with what you've said! I don't think I'd be ending the friendship or just letting it drift away over this. If she was a good enough friend, I'd say something about the kids not getting along and for us to gtg on our own for awhile. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313701 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 13:06:57 +0000 Madison43 2313701@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If you want to continue the friendship, I would just say that it seems like the boys are having a hard time with each other right now (which I assume she knows if her kid always ends up in his room and yours ends up crying), but you'd love to catch up kid free. If you're not really into the relationship anymore, I'd just let it die on he vine. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313674 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 12:37:30 +0000 BandDmommy 2313674@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Tiger: I don't know. My son went through a biting phase and it was really tough on us as a family. I think if someone who was a friend also brought it up it would make me feel even worse. Parenting is tough. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313666 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 12:33:14 +0000 Torchwood 2313666@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If I really wanted to save the friendship I'd do what @Mrs. Tiger said. But if not I'd just let it go. I'm non-confrontational for one thing, and I seriously doubt it would change anything for another. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313629 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 12:06:43 +0000 Applesandbananas 2313629@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>How long has it been going on?</p> <p>My kiddo (2.5) goes through phases where he's better behaved than others. Maybe it's a phase her son is going through and some time apart will help until he gets over it. </p> <p>I don't think I'd say anything unless she really pushes the issue. It's extremely challenging for me to discipline LO when others are around. It's too distracting for him and I don't always feel comfortable disciplining in front of others. Behind closed doors, I'll remove him from the situation, do time out, etc. but with an audience, that's harder to do, and everyone has an opinion about appropriate discipline, which may or may not be effective for my kiddo. So, if I were in your shoes, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and refrain from commenting on her choice of discipline.</p> <p>Good luck, it sounds like she's a true friend and those are worth hanging onto. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313617 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 11:53:25 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2313617@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd like to think I would rescue my kid in the moment and tell the parent &amp; child exactly what they are doing is wrong. But, when it's a friend/ friends kid that's being a terror I'd probably just put distance between us. If the friend wants to know what's really going on I'd probably speak up and just admit it's hard to tell someone that their kid is a bully and I must protect my child. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313614 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 11:51:40 +0000 Jess1483 2313614@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I had pretty much this exact situation with a friend of mine. Not as long-time, but she was certainly my go-to mom friend. After about 1.5 years of letting it happen, it finally came to a head, and I saw how much it was crushing my little guy's spirit. My friend had always jumped right in, even leaving places when he was aggressive, but it didn't curb the behavior. After the final time, I decided we were done having the boys play together. Luckily, she decided the same thing (she texted that it seemed the boys needed a break from each other.) We did a couple girls' nights after that, and I'd occasionally go to her house when DS was at preschool. They ended up moving, but I know it was the right move for my guy not to see her son any longer. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313613 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 11:50:58 +0000 buttermilk 2313613@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can't imagine she doesn't already realize it. I probably wouldn't say anything unless she confronted me about it. I would make an effort to spend time with her just as gal pals. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313612 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 11:50:37 +0000 travellingbee 2313612@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would just try to schedule non-kid get togethers, but if she pushes the issue about getting the kids together, I would probably say, "so, look, my kid is pretty sensitive and he has gotten kind of upset the last couple of times our kids have hung out. I think he feels overwhelmed a bit by your son and I don't want to force him." I know that is skirting the blame a bit, but I tend to do that. Put the issue on me so it sounds less aggressive. Then she knows that you still want to be friends, but doesn't feel attacked about her kid. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313608 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 11:48:12 +0000 coopsmama 2313608@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: Well, we do. About 2 times a year. :silly: It's just hard to get together with 5 children between us and the busyness of life!!</p> <p>@Mamasig: I'm so not confrontational either. I also have a hard time being honest. I tend to skirt around issues.</p> <p>@Mrs. Tiger: I really like this approach and the way you put that. Thank you! </p> <p>@yoursilverlining: I'm committed to her (as in, when she calls or texts or emails I always reply and we stay in good communication via that route) but just feel like our kids don't mesh well at this point. I just don't want her to think it's her that I'm avoiding, I guess. </p> <p>@Greentea: I also like the approach of telling her son (if/when we get together next) in the moment that he can't hit, or whatever. The last time I caught him hurting my son he was hitting him with magnets and had him pushed up into a corner in their kitchen. My poor son sad his hands up over his face and was crying. DS tends to be more introverted, so I think it makes him an easy target. BUT we have never experienced this with any other kid which makes it feel like it's more an issue this kid than anything else. (And when we saw what her son was doing in the aforementioned story, my friend simply told him to knock it off and be nice. That's it. Uh, not okay...)</p> <p>@BandDmommy: Yeah, I agree. She knows. But her response is just not effective, clearly. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313604 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 11:42:06 +0000 BandDmommy 2313604@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly, I wouldn't say anything. She knows her son is acting up because she sends him up to his room. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313603 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 11:39:14 +0000 Greentea 2313603@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is a tough issue! I was becoming friends with someone recently and her kids are really aggressive. I saw her 2 yo beating up a baby and was mortified! Part of it is that she has 3 young kids, but still, kids need attention and no violence should be allowed. I have no idea how to approach it!</p> <p>Since this is a close, long time friend of yours, that is a bit different. Could you ask her to not allow hitting or joking about speech, and if the son does to send him to timeout or whatever she prefers right away? That your son doesn't want to come over if her son has that behavior? I know, that is bordering on telling her how to parent... the other option is to speak up in the moment and tell her son, "please don't hit anyone," when it is happening. I really am not sure! Just ideas. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313600 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 11:38:15 +0000 yoursilverlining 2313600@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wouldn’t tell her. I think it would be very hurtful, and I don’t think it would solve anything. She knows her son is being a dick (since she sends him to his room). Either she is OK somewhat with that, or she isn’t and probably already feels badly for how he behaves. Whatever she is or isn’t doing to straighten him out isn’t working, but I don’t see any outcome except hurt feelings for telling someone their kid is a jerk. Plus it sounds like you’re not really committed to this friendship anyway. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313595 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 11:32:50 +0000 Mrs. Tiger 2313595@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would consider framing it differently, more like "I've noticed your son is going through a rough phase lately, and he's been awfully violent/rude/whatever to my son, such that he is afraid to go to your house and I don't blame him! I trust that this is something he's working through with you but for the meantime I think it's best if we only hang out child free until he's better able to relate to my son."</p> <p>If it was me and my son was being a terror I would absolutely want to know so I could address it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313594 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 11:32:43 +0000 Mamasig 2313594@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wouldn't tell her unless she comfronted me and asked what was going on. I would just let the friendship fade away. But I'm not a confrontational person! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313593 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 11:32:21 +0000 mrbee 2313593@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@coopsmama: can you hang out without kids? Might be easier that way! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/would-you-tell-your-friend#post-2313587 Thu, 08 Oct 2015 11:28:27 +0000 coopsmama 2313587@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>...if the reason you were letting your friendship slip away was because of her son? I have a friend who is fairly close - she was a bridesmaid in my wedding, and we've known each other forever. </p> <p>But over the last six months I've really not made much of an effort to get together with her at all. We've hung out 4-5 times in that time period and would've hung out more but I've made no effort - we've gone to her house when invited, but that's it. The reason is that my son is constantly bullied by her son. Every single time we go over he ends up making fun of my son (for a speech delay), hitting him with toys, pushing him into a corner, etc. He ends up getting sent to his room for the rest of the visit but not until after the damage is already done for my son who spends the rest of the visit timid and wanting to leave. The last time we left her house he ran to the car. Anytime I mention them he says he does NOT want to see them.</p> <p>She mentioned last month that we need to get together soon and I simply said "yeah" but didn't go to any great lengths to make it happen. I've told her I'd be down for a mom's night soon (but with kids making that happen is tough!) and that's been the extent of it. </p> <p>I feel like the friendship is slipping away which is sad but at the same time we're in a bit of different social circles these days so if feels natural for that to happen anyway. But DH thinks I should be upfront and just say WHY I've pulled back and be brutally honest -- your son is really mean to ours and that's not acceptable and it happens every single time we see you. But I'm not sure if that's the right approach. I don't want her to feel like I'm criticizing her parenting even though I do believe some of the fault is hers - she doesn't pay attention to what her son is doing, and usually waits to discipline until he's already hit several times or been rude or whatever.</p> <p>What do you guys think? </p>