https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 29 Apr 2026 19:01:53 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-dealing-with-a-passive-aggressive-subordinate-employee#post-2855148 Tue, 06 Nov 2018 09:10:28 +0000 periwinklebee 2855148@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Amorini: Ugh, I am so pissed for you. I know the type, unfortunately, though I have never had one as a direct subordinate. The refusal to accept a woman as an authority figure when this would never be an issue with an identical (or significantly less qualified) man is absolutely infuriating. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-dealing-with-a-passive-aggressive-subordinate-employee#post-2855109 Tue, 06 Nov 2018 00:15:39 +0000 Amorini 2855109@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Update! </p> <p>Thanks to all for weighing in. It was a squirrely conversation but I dealt with it. After much consideration and getting a good read in the first few minutes, I went in very direct. Lots of eye contact and making it clear that it was not okay. While I like the compliment sandwich approach, I actually give a lot of praise and compliments in general, so it just wasn’t the right approach here. He was clearly prepared for this conversation and had built an elaborate defense (excuses, blaming me, blaming parts of the company, conflating with other issues), so I had to cut through that and keep coming back to how he handled himself in our chat conversation. Unfortunately the words in his chat are in print. And he admitted that he was upset when he wrote them. I said that I believed he went too far, lost control of his emotions and that it’s not appropriate and shouldn’t happen again. He AGAIN would not back down in believing his behavior was justifiable and I asked if this was really worth him defending to bitter end. I am loathe to being so strong-handed but then he freaking “got it” and said it wouldn’t happen again. Sheesh.</p> <p>So later on I spoke with HR. I mentioned the behaviors, but I was more trying to address what is underlying all of this antagonism and trying to figure out how we can address the core of what is going on. He has raised (unskillfully albeit) some issues that he finds confusing within our company. For whatever reason (err...because I’m not a white male with identical credentials and 20 years at said company), my responses to these issues are not perceived as authoritative. So I’ve identified a co-mentor who happens to be a white male with identical credentials and 20’years at said company to facilitate a conversation with him, with the goal of the three of us having a final debrief. </p> <p>Omg. And I have actual work to do not just deal with this crap. Part of the job, I know, but sheesh.</p> <p>I can’t write my final assessment, but I think my employee is just professionally immature and is rudderless without a boss who fits his above-stated preferred profile. We shall see where this goes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-dealing-with-a-passive-aggressive-subordinate-employee#post-2854971 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 14:09:02 +0000 Mrsbells 2854971@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Amorini: I think you need to address his attitude and lack of professionalism otherwise he is likely to repeat that behavior the next time he doesn't like something you ask him change </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-dealing-with-a-passive-aggressive-subordinate-employee#post-2854969 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 13:53:31 +0000 nwm 2854969@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This may be counter to the "think like a man" advice, which I generally agree with, but I find that if the issue is someone getting snarky specifically when I critique their work or ask them to change/improve something they've already done, the best way to give constructive criticism is the compliment sandwich. Not sure if there is anything he does that you are happy with, but if there is I would try to start the conversation by saying something like "I value your hard work and am glad you have joined our team" or "You do a great job at X." I find if people are being passive aggressive out of defensiveness, it helps put them at ease at the start and makes the ensuing conversation easier. Then I would end as @thepaperbutterfly: suggests. Good luck! This kind of attitude and tone are definitely not OK. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-dealing-with-a-passive-aggressive-subordinate-employee#post-2854932 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 12:38:53 +0000 ElbieKay 2854932@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I manage a large team. I suggest you address this directly and quickly and not let it fester. I always regret taking too long to act on management issues. They never get better on their own, and the longer you wait the harder they become to turn around. I know it’s awkward but you are really doing this guy a favor by being clear with him now. Otherwise you might have to terminate him later (and deal with challenging performance in the meantime!). So rip off the band aid! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-dealing-with-a-passive-aggressive-subordinate-employee#post-2854826 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 02:00:06 +0000 thepaperbutterfly 2854826@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'll admit that I'm awful at taking criticism, though my response is just crying XD I'm a bit stubborn as well, but uh bad evaluations have gotten me to change. It's not that I don't care. It's that I care too much about things that my supervisors don't deem important. Bad evaluations are needed sometimes even though they are unpleasant for everyone. This guy also sounds like he is really bad at taking criticism, but he just turns into an a$$hole. </p> <p>You definitely need to talk with him because this is behavior that is not okay. I would be firm with him. Emphasize that you've worked in this industry for a long time, and that whether or not he agrees with how things are done, they are done that way for a reason. Don't argue about the logistics of why they are done that way because it doesn't matter and isn't relevant to this evaluation. He doesn't sound like he's being a team player at all, and I would mention that as well. I would end it on a positive note though. You are both striving towards the same goal of producing the best work possible. If he disagrees with something, then he may be allowed to phrase it in a constructive manner (provide an example), but it is not okay to be mean and antagonistic (give an example of what he did as a contrast). Because you are the boss you have the final say. I might also bring up some other concrete examples of his bad behavior (sounds like this has been going on for a while), and let him know a better way to handle it. Furthermore, this is a warning, and if he continues to behave in this manner then you may have to let him go. You could follow that up by saying something positive about him (hopefully he has some redeeming quality). You appreciate his enthusiasm and the fact that he cares so much about this job, but his behavior is creating a toxic environment that makes him unpleasant to work with. </p> <p>I don't know if that helps at all. I'm not a manager, just someone that is also stubborn and bad at taking criticism. Although I have never belittled or been condescending to a superior. Like I said, my response is usually to cry, which isn't great, but that's just how I am. *shrugs* Bad evaluations have gotten me to drastically change though, and I barely have issues now. Either this guy will realize he messed up and change, or he will continue to be an a$$hole, and you will have to fire him, unfortunately. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-dealing-with-a-passive-aggressive-subordinate-employee#post-2854819 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 00:36:38 +0000 Amorini 2854819@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@muffinsmuffins: @gestalt: Thanks for the added input! I spoke to my best friend about this and we are still ironing out the plan, but it’s somewhere between setting boundaries like a formal authoritarian “I’m-your-boss” way or approaching it like the chill boss who doesn’t take sh*t. I like the sound of the latter but, as my best friend knows, I am either a bit too soft or a super witch (when enough’s enough). I have a hard time on the in-between part. The convo will be in person since he was just remote that day. I agree people tend to be more snarky over email/chat/text. (One of my war stories as a young smarty-pants professional myself many moons ago!)</p> <p>@gestalt: Truthfully I am sympathetic to him that there are some standards and procedures that are not followed across all parts of the company. That’s why I answered his first few questions about my requested revision, even though I could see his anger rising over chat. The thing is, though, the specific standard that I was addressing was more of a professional standard than just a workplace standard. I have been doing this work for about 15 years longer than him so perhaps I take it for granted that “this is how it’s done.” That being the case, I’m also his boss and someone who provided templates for implementing such a standard months ago. Furthermore, we could all drink beers some day and say “but why is that?” “is that really necessary?” or whatever, and some day the standards might change. (Those are not the questions he asked, but sort of what he was getting at in a more perturbed way.) But unfortunately his way of getting frustrated was by belittling my say on what’s the right way to do things. Later in the day, I confirmed the approach in a conversation with my boss’s boss who was like “of course, that’s the way we do it. And if some office isn’t doing it that way, they’re doing it wrong.”</p> <p>So what would be consequences to not doing it “this way”, I had to think about that one. I guess if it were his office, he could run it how he wanted whether it met standard or not. But I run the office and I’m very dedicated to professional work products coming out of my office with my office location on them. (ETA: I want anything that can be traced back to my office as correct and right!) So...I guess consequences are that he wouldn’t be supporting my agenda and I hold the keys to his performance reviews and raises. I don’t know, though, if that’s tangible to someone who’s a bit hot-headed. It would be for me, but I’m only just now getting to a place where I feel comfortable being myself around my bosses, let alone letting ‘er rip when I’m mad!</p> <p>@muffinsmuffins: I agree with clear and concise. That works whether I go more “I’m the boss” with him or more chill/no b.s. I am a little worried about addressing it as a pattern right now, even though it is. The other instances are not ones that I have documented in writing and this clearly is. I’ll have to sleep on it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-dealing-with-a-passive-aggressive-subordinate-employee#post-2854809 Sun, 04 Nov 2018 23:27:42 +0000 gestalt 2854809@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is there any way for your to provide suggestions over the phone instead of via email/chat? I find that when I provide criticism over the phone, my tone comes off less critical than if I were to send it via messenger/email, and the response I get won’t be as annoying. People are willing to come off as sounding passive aggressive over text than over the phone.</p> <p>Is there any truth to his complaints? Are you able to turn it around and ask him if he is comfortable dealing with the consequence of submitting something that isn’t to standard? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-dealing-with-a-passive-aggressive-subordinate-employee#post-2854765 Sun, 04 Nov 2018 15:58:50 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2854765@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would address it all in a cut and dry way to set some boundaries. Obviously he thinks he can keep acting like this and it’s becoming an issue for you. Make a list of bullet points and bring it to work. Request a meeting and begin with ‘I want to talk about Friday and how this has been part of a larger pattern since you began.’ And go through each point. I’m not a manager but I would be very concise and to the point and don’t think anything of it. ‘Think like a man’ so to say (I hate that phrase) but you don’t need to coddle him if he feels he can talk down to you and be passive aggressive. I know my boss always comes to meetings with a clipboard and pen so I would think nothing of you bringing in notes to reference to keep yourself calm and clear so you don’t have to think off the cuff. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-dealing-with-a-passive-aggressive-subordinate-employee#post-2854759 Sun, 04 Nov 2018 15:01:20 +0000 Amorini 2854759@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsBucky: I love love AAM! I did some searching but I will look again. (I didn’t see much of anything when the employee is this way. Lots on supervisors/bosses being this way.)</p> <p>I agree in theory with your input. Execution is everything with that approach and I get tongue-tied in these situations. I have to create some scripts in order to have that kind of conversation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-dealing-with-a-passive-aggressive-subordinate-employee#post-2854754 Sun, 04 Nov 2018 14:23:19 +0000 MrsBucky 2854754@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’d strongly encourage you to read through some of the archives on the ask a manager website. What it comes down to is that since you’re his boss you really need to be direct about what behavior is and isn’t acceptable. Being passive aggressive and toxic is not acceptable. You Ineed to think about the best way to address that in a really straightforward manner. Think of it is doing him a favor. A lot of male bosses wouldn’t be so kind as to give him that feedback so early on in his career in a really clear way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-dealing-with-a-passive-aggressive-subordinate-employee#post-2854751 Sun, 04 Nov 2018 14:03:07 +0000 Amorini 2854751@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hey, so I lead a small satellite office within a big company. A new hire (4 months in) who is my direct report is talented but a bit immature. His way of dealing with stress and authority issues is getting passive-aggressive. I saw small signs of this in the past few months toward others and feel like I have tried to handle it in a straight-forward way. I’ve taken meaningful steps to build trust and be direct in our relationship, but just on Friday, he got pretty upset when I made some recommendations on a draft of his work that he brought to me for approval. He was working remotely so our “conversation” was via email and chat. My suggested revision would have taken about 5 minutes of additional work in order to make it meet standard, but instead it turned into a longer antagonistic inquiry from him about standards and procedures. I entertained some of his questions at face value, but when he got straight-up toxic, I just responded, “Hey, seems like you’re getting upset. Let’s talk Monday.” </p> <p>IRL I’ve talked with only DH and would really like to get some more thoughts on how to handle him. Ugh. These kind of situations really stress me out. If I were him in my younger and brash days (not sure I was ever so brash), I’d be stewing on this all weekend, be super embarrassed over my behavior and come to work very apologetic. But I’m a woman in a male-dominated profession! For some reason, he felt comfortable taking a belittling and condenscending tone with me and I find that very troubling. Do I address just the questions about standards and procedures? Or do I need to address the unprofessionalism? If yes to both, how direct should I be? </p>