https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 16 May 2026 04:35:11 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-parenting-conflicts#post-2394436 Sat, 19 Dec 2015 07:17:41 +0000 catomd00 2394436@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have this issue in my marriage, but my father sounds a little similar. His was less anger and more annoyance I would say over the smallest things. He still is this way and I think a lot of if actually stems from anxiety. For example, even as adults if someone (including hismelf) knocks or almost knocks over a glass he gets all huffy and Rolls his eyes and shouts a bit to be careful. He is constantly telling people to move their cups back and freaks out if they're too close to the edge of the table. It's very odd but I think most of it comes from anxiety because he was raised with a pretty strict and controlling mom. It definitely made him less warm of a person and as an adult it's just obnoxious to be around long term. Could you talk to your husband about how it is impacting his relationship with DD? And then work together to think of a solution?</p> <p>At a minimum, can you guys both institute a policy of saying sorry to lO when you flip on her? We all of our mount bursts. My husband and I are really good about saying sorry after it happens and explaining we were wrong.</p> <p>Also, depression in men often manifests as anger. So may be something to explore, as well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-parenting-conflicts#post-2394415 Sat, 19 Dec 2015 05:57:52 +0000 loveisstrange 2394415@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly, I don't think this is an issue of a difference in parenting styles. This is an issue of your DH needing to confront his learned behaviors. </p> <p>I struggle with the same things sometimes. My father was incredibly angry and verbally abusive growing up. He was always screaming and cursing. I was terrified of him until well into my teen years and it's had a lasting effect on me into adulthood. I'm nearly 28 and still can't stop myself from crying when someone raises their voice to me. I also have a fairly short fuse and I struggle daily with not losing my temper because I know that I don't want my daughter growing up like I did. I've gotten much, much better, but it's something I constantly have to be vigilant about. You have to reprogram that instinct to make anger your first reaction.</p> <p>He really needs to suck it up and talk to a professional. These kinds of things are a cycle and he's going to pass it on to your kids unless he breaks it. I say this as a parent who also struggles.</p> <p>As for approaching him... I honestly don't know. I don't know that there is a way to do it that won't cause at least a few hurt feelings. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-parenting-conflicts#post-2393492 Fri, 18 Dec 2015 11:09:55 +0000 Mama Bird 2393492@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes, my husband also loses his cool sometimes. But so do I. Toddlers are very frustrating... </p> <p>We try to step in when the other person can't stay calm, but that's not enough, obviously we're not always watching the kids together. We do have pretty different parenting styles, so we argue quite a bit about how to respond if the kids are being especially difficult. And while we argue, we're starting to see the value of each other's approach, so we're getting by. I do try to back DH even when I think he's being ridiculous, but I don't feel right doing that when he yells. I try to calm everyone down and make sure they all know they're in the wrong :bummed: I think it's sort of working because sometimes DS will say "you hurt my feelings!" instead of bursting into tears, and then we can talk about why he's upset and it's better than dealing with a tantrum. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-parenting-conflicts#post-2393473 Fri, 18 Dec 2015 10:57:33 +0000 BandDmommy 2393473@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BlueWolverine: It sounds like he is either overwhelmed or struggles handling his anger. My DH does this too and TBH, it's annoying. I have suggested counseling but he has pushed back on that idea. When DH does have his outbursts, this sounds bad, I make him apologize to DS. I want both DS and DH to know that is not appropriate behavior. DH has gotten better about it but I really wish he would talk to a counselor. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-parenting-conflicts#post-2393472 Fri, 18 Dec 2015 10:57:21 +0000 ShootingStar 2393472@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BlueWolverine: For most things I back him up. There are plenty of times he makes a call that I wouldn't necessarily have done, but I don't contradict it. But in the case of yelling needlessly, I didn't feel like I had to support him in that. And it doesn't happen so often that I'm constantly telling him in front of DS that he has to apologize. If he was, we'd definitely a new strategy for how to deal. </p> <p>Right after he yelled, I gave him a look like WTF?? and he immediately knew he was wrong. So when I suggested he apologize and hug DS I don't think it was that unexpected. If he was still pissed off I probably would have had him talk to DS later, and probably not suggested it in front of him. It can be a fine line to walk. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-parenting-conflicts#post-2393464 Fri, 18 Dec 2015 10:51:55 +0000 BlueWolverine 2393464@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: Agreed - I don't want LO to be afraid of DH. And neither does DH. The last time we discussed this, he cried because he was terrified he was being like his Dad. Honestly, I think at least half of the time, he recognizes that he needs to apologize and does it. This sounds ridiculous, but I don't want to suggest it in front of LO so as to not piss him off more. We try to back each other up in front of LO. But maybe backing up doesn't include backing up this kind of thing.</p> <p>Yesterday, after he stormed by me, he went straight up to bed (at 7:30pm) and I haven't talked to him since. So this is weighing heavily right now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-parenting-conflicts#post-2393456 Fri, 18 Dec 2015 10:45:32 +0000 BlueWolverine 2393456@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: Wow, our situtations sound very similar. DH and I have had the same conversations about warnings, time outs, etc. And he really does does try. But sometimes he really does not. </p> <p>@Applesandbananas: I have absoutely lost my cool and yelled at LO. The "I want X" and then tantrum when given X drives me absolutely INSANE. I think I'm having a problem with having to clean up when he loses it. I felt like I was trying to help by taking over with her because I could see that he was rightfully struggling, and he still lost his cool. I'm not sure what else I could do to help in the situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-parenting-conflicts#post-2393414 Fri, 18 Dec 2015 10:12:30 +0000 ShootingStar 2393414@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My dad was a lot like this when I was growing up - always in a bad mood, easy to set off, lots of yelling. And for years I was scared to be around him. So for me, this behavior would need to get addressed because I don't want my kids going through that.</p> <p>Our son is also really sensitive to yelling, so we really need to try to use it on a limited basis - like if he's in danger. A couple weeks ago DH yelled at DS for something silly (DS was playing with this little white stuffed animal and was walking it on the wall, and walked it over the white board that had black writing on it.). DH YELLED at him and DS started crying. I went and comforted DS and I then I said "Daddy do you want to say you're sorry? He didn't mean to yell, he just didn't want your toy to get dirty. Daddy can you give DS a hug?" DH knew that he had totally overreacted and sheepishly said he was sorry and went to comfort DS too.</p> <p>We all get frustrated with toddlers, we all lose our patience. But I think it's important as a parent to try to do our best not to lose it. DH and will tend to tag each other out too - If he's getting frustrated I'll tell him to take a break, and vice versa. Sometimes 15 minutes of alone time can make having patience so much easier. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-parenting-conflicts#post-2393390 Fri, 18 Dec 2015 10:00:16 +0000 kiddosc 2393390@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would say that DH and I are similar. He grew up in a much more strict household than I did, where discipline often meant spanking, sometimes with an object. I think I maybe got spanked once in my life and my Mom ran a daycare out of our home and has the patience of a saint. We easily agreed not to use capitol punishment on our kids, but he's still much more strict with our 3 year old than I care for. </p> <p>For us, keeping communication open is helping. We both make efforts to somewhat meet in the middle. We've had lots of discussions about giving LO warnings, not jumping right to threats of time-out, and not sweating the small stuff. I see DH making an effort all the time to be a calmer Dad, and as long as that effort continues, I'm ok with it. In return, I try to respect some of the rules that are important to DH regarding LO. That certain behavior in certain places is just unacceptable and I try to be a little more strict in these cases to keep our approach consistent. It's ever evolving and we're definitely not perfect, but I'm ok with the progress we're making in finding a middle parenting road. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-parenting-conflicts#post-2393387 Fri, 18 Dec 2015 09:59:38 +0000 Greentea 2393387@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BlueWolverine: we go through this a little bit too. When DH gets "grouchy," we call it, we "give daddy some space." Does your DH have any depression issues? We also hold accountable, so if DH yells at DD, he has to apologize. Being a parent isn't about being perfect, rather treating everyone with equal respect and doing your best! Everyone is imperfect sometimes and that's okay.</p> <p>As for the parenting styles, yeah, if you can't compromise why not try a neutral third party? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-parenting-conflicts#post-2393377 Fri, 18 Dec 2015 09:55:21 +0000 Applesandbananas 2393377@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think, from what you've described, it sounds like some of it is coming from feeling overwhelmed. We all get to that point but I agree, you shouldn't be having to explain that to a 3 year old. </p> <p>I would broach the topic in a way of "how can I help you not feel so overwhelmed?" vs. "you need to take it down a few notches, go to therapy, etc." </p> <p>I have a 2.5 year old and sometimes (okay, most days!) it is just brutal. This morning, for example, he got up early, was in a horrible mood, requested eggs, then threw a fit because I cooked him eggs, threw them, went to timeout, was even more pissed after timeout... We tried talking about it, more timeout, breakfast again, tantrum again, etc. And during this, I yelled at LO. I'm not perfect, there are so many things I could do better, but if DH had approached me in any way other than "let me help you, how can I help?" it would've gone over poorly. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-parenting-conflicts#post-2393373 Fri, 18 Dec 2015 09:54:01 +0000 rachiecakes 2393373@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We definitely have different parenting styles.<br /> My husband grew up in an abusive household and had a really tough childhood. He's a great dad and makes a HUGE effort to not let his upbringing effect how he is as a dad.<br /> BUT he's someone who cannot let something go and always has to have the last word and it drives me nuts when it comes to our son. Sometimes kids are bratty and you just have to ignore it. DH will always add a comment to have the last word when J is being like this and it's like I have to parent two little boys... ugh</p> <p>For us, he's not even really aware of it and I've had to make him aware. It's just a habit for DH but he needs to break the habit and we talk about it. That's what's worked best for us, talking it out. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/wwyd-parenting-conflicts#post-2393361 Fri, 18 Dec 2015 09:47:33 +0000 BlueWolverine 2393361@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm having a hard time figuring out how to approach DH about this and hope that getting my thoughts written down and some help from all of you will help me out.</p> <p>First, I start with the fact that my husband is a wonderful man who wants to be a great Dad. He's a gigantic softie and cries at movies :happy: He loves our little girl so much and takes a great amount of joy out of her and her antics.</p> <p>That said, I think he's got an anger problem. And we've talked about it plenty of times. For example, he was struggling while trying to hang something in the garage and it wasn't going well, so the next thing I hear is the banging and crashing of him throwing things around in the garage. He then comes stomping through the house and at this point, I ignore him.</p> <p>When my mom was here, he thought the garage door opener broke (because he screwed it up) and starting screaming goddammit at the top of his lungs. While my mom, child and I were in the driveway waiting for him to get in the car. He later apologized and said he needs to not overreact so much. Duh.</p> <p>Yesterday, he was home with DD all day because she was sick and I had to work. She was either happy while watching TV or fighting him on everything else. I think we've all had those days and they're long and exhausting. I came home and took over - playing with her, etc. He laid down on the couch. DD and I were playing and she wanted him to play too. So, I saw her running to him (he was dozing) and I called out "Look out, Daddy" because he has a crazy startle reflex when he's sleeping. He heard me, but still was crazy startled, and looked at DD with a rage face, raised his voice and said, "THAT IS NOT OK!" He then stormed upstairs (after passing me and saying, "I know you tried to warn me) and left me to comfort DD, who was crying hysterically because he got so angry with her for wanting him to play. Now, he had had a LOONNNGG day with her and I'm sure we all know what it's like to be at the end of our rope with our kids. So I'm trying to decide if I just need to extend a bit of grace here (like I want him to so often do for her) or confront him.</p> <p>I'm tired of trying to explain my husband's behavior to an almost three year old. I want him to grow the F up and act like an adult. I shouldn't have to do this. </p> <p>This is not everyday. I do see him trying. The problem is that in his household growing up, his Dad was an angry person. He learned it from his dad. He also knows this and has expressed time and again to me that he doesn't want that kind of relationship with our LO. So why does he keep doing this crap? </p> <p>I'm ready to mention going to a counselor to get our parenting styles to be more complimentary. He wants to correct every tiny thing she does "wrong" whereas I'm fine letting her screw stuff up. He wants her to do something the first time he tells her and I think that you have to know your audience (a 2 year old) and accept that sometimes you need to try different things to get her to comply. </p> <p>Has anyone else had this kind of conflict? Maybe not anger, per se, but a conflict in styles? What did you do? </p>