https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 02 May 2026 01:48:27 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/you-dont-just-marry-the-person-you-marry-the-family#post-2665192 Wed, 14 Dec 2016 08:52:30 +0000 Mrs. Sunshine 2665192@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Very true for both sides. Our families aren't bad but we can literally see his parents from our windows so the frequency in which we see them takes a toll. He doesn't like spending too much time with either side (or anyone for that matter, he's definitely an introvert!) but I adore seeing my family. I'm certain I'd enjoy seeing my in laws more if it wasn't something that happened daily. I do adore my BIL and SIL and niece but we see them once every 2 months or so. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/you-dont-just-marry-the-person-you-marry-the-family#post-2665142 Wed, 14 Dec 2016 00:46:27 +0000 BabyTsMom 2665142@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes, and I'm not happy about it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/you-dont-just-marry-the-person-you-marry-the-family#post-2665076 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 21:00:28 +0000 PointeShoesTutus 2665076@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That has held so true for both me &amp; H. Our parents genuinely enjoy spending time together and will do things without us once a month or so. I love H's sisters and their husbands as well. Our nieces &amp; nephews are an absolute joy and consider my parents "bonus" grandparents. My brother passed away about a year after our wedding but he &amp; H were fond of each other despite the difference in age. When my dad retired, my parents moved across the country to be near us so now on holidays, we are one big happy family. It's kinda weird in a way when I mention it to people but I feel very fortunate to have the love and support of H's family </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/you-dont-just-marry-the-person-you-marry-the-family#post-2665035 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 19:31:08 +0000 Corduroy 2665035@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I always think about that saying when I think about my vacation time. DH's family is across the country so I use half of my vacation time every year visiting them. I also think of the stress of them coming to visit us as being in the same bucket. Fortunately everyone in both families is happy and healthy now. I'm sure it will be difficult when health issues arise. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/you-dont-just-marry-the-person-you-marry-the-family#post-2664832 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 14:10:12 +0000 nana87 2664832@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This has been true for us, and I think we see it more and more as time goes by and our families go through hard times and big changes. Mostly fil's illness and death, but also our having children kind of flipped things because we went from being very flexible and accommodating to having new priorities/putting lo and her needs and schedule first.</p> <p>I feel like I first became part of dh's family after fil was diagnosed with cancer before dh and I were even engaged--it was a really difficult diagnosis (he lived much longer than expected) and luckily we lived near them at the time, and so both ended up dropping things and being there for his parents. But, since fil passed away last year, we've been in a really transitional time with mil and sil and I think I'm also really learning more and more about their family dynamics and seeing things differently/more deeply. His family is very formal and emotionally distant with each other, and I don't think I really understood the depths of that distance (if that makes sense? haha) until recently as we're figuring out new boundaries. We don't live in the same city anymore, and with lo it's harder to drop everything to be there, which I feel like mil and sil expect.</p> <p>My family is really different than dh's, and dh is definitely part of the family. We have an easier, more unconditional relationship with my parents, which is great although I think the comparison to mil is difficult. Dh has an independent relationship with my parents too, which is awesome--like he and my dad email back and forth and sometimes go to dinners together. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/you-dont-just-marry-the-person-you-marry-the-family#post-2664781 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 13:14:31 +0000 Greentea 2664781@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not at all. We are estranged from parts of both sides of our extended families. As far as entering with traditions, coping mechanisms, etc. -also not exactly true for us. To some extent we all enter with behaviors that are in some way a result of what we have been through, (if your parents were absent, perhaps you are more involved), but even those behaviors we try to think critically about so that we are not ping ponging, so to say, from past generations (from neglect to spoiling, etc.) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/you-dont-just-marry-the-person-you-marry-the-family#post-2664778 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 13:13:34 +0000 lamariniere 2664778@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not very true for us. We've almost always lived far away from both of our families. Even the 9 months we lived with my ILs, I didn't feel like we were that close. Of course, we would help one another out and had a mostly good relationship with them, but I didn't feel like they became my best friends. Luckily, we have maintained a pretty positive relationship with everyone despite the distance, but I wouldn't say we are super close. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/you-dont-just-marry-the-person-you-marry-the-family#post-2664767 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 12:42:08 +0000 youboots 2664767@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it was true more earlier in our marriage. Over time we have decided on our priorities about how we spend our time and emotional energy and our own little family comes first. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/you-dont-just-marry-the-person-you-marry-the-family#post-2664764 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 12:39:56 +0000 snowjewelz 2664764@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Very true? Our families are all local... My parents actually moved closer just so my mom can help out with childcare more. I'm very close with my family, and my mom sees DH way more than me since they're the ones that handle childcare/drop offs/pick ups and I WOH FT. </p> <p>His family is bigger and we don't see them as much, but we're close too b/c DD1's cousin is 2 weeks older so we do a lot of things together. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/you-dont-just-marry-the-person-you-marry-the-family#post-2664639 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 09:47:39 +0000 MaryM 2664639@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Very. </p> <p>DH had an outpatient surgery a year after we got married. I got to know his family REAL fast when 30 people showed up to be at the hospital during the procedure. (It was weird for me. In my family, if you're admitted to the hospital people "visit"...but the WHOLE family - including his brother's ex-girlfriend - showed up just for a procedure and never actually saw him)</p> <p>And he did that for my mom when she had surgery and I wasn't able to get off work to be there. </p> <p>For us it hasn't been a struggle because we get along with each other's families, but I can see how it was more of an issue for my siblings. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/you-dont-just-marry-the-person-you-marry-the-family#post-2664610 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 09:01:12 +0000 travelgirl1 2664610@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Well, it wasn't until we moved in with my in-laws last year. Now there isn't a day that goes by without someone needing something. I know that if if was the other way around, DH would be going as crazy as I am. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/you-dont-just-marry-the-person-you-marry-the-family#post-2664584 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 08:03:22 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2664584@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: that's an interesting take. DH and I grew up not celebrating holidays (fam was Jehovah Witness for a few years) or celebrating them in a very low key way as compared to mine. In a way I guess I married into his way of doing things. My dad shakes his head we wear jeans to every event even Thanksgiving! It's just different, but way less stressful. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/you-dont-just-marry-the-person-you-marry-the-family#post-2664581 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 07:58:15 +0000 Anagram 2664581@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's true.</p> <p>Even though we live far from our families, I think the way we were raised has made us enter marriage and parenthood with certain expectations/beliefs/coping mechanisms/traditions, etc. My husband is exceedingly patient and hands on with our kids, and I know he gets that from his parents. But also, he's not that demonstrative in terms of romantic affection by western standards, and I think that's cultural as well. I mean, he's WAY more demonstrative than his parents, who would never hold hands or hug publicly, for example. It's just different.</p> <p>I know he feels the same way about me---sometimes when we have a disagreement and he doesn't know certain American traditions are a thing, it really causes me to examine why I care so much, and usually it's purely because that's what my parents did, not because it's something I really believe in.</p> <p>It's eye opening. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/you-dont-just-marry-the-person-you-marry-the-family#post-2664577 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 07:05:04 +0000 tinyperson 2664577@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: ditto for us - my parents are a 3hr drive away with lots of extended family around. His family lives in another province, accessible only by plane or ferry so we see them much less often. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/you-dont-just-marry-the-person-you-marry-the-family#post-2664575 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 06:59:56 +0000 erinbaderin 2664575@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Very true for my husband, we see my family at least once a month, spend all holidays with them, stay at their house for a few days a few times every summer. Not at all for me, half of his family lives in England and we see them once a year and the other half lives in the US and I've met them once. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/you-dont-just-marry-the-person-you-marry-the-family#post-2664571 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 06:41:44 +0000 ValentineMommy 2664571@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Very true for my husband with my family. My parents live 5 minutes away and are super involved in our lives - my mom watches the kids while we work, and we eat dinner at their house pretty much every Sunday.</p> <p>It's sorta true for me, in the sense that my ILs/DHs family is a hot button topic that causes a lot of drama in our lives, even though we don't see them a lot (they also live 5 minutes away). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/you-dont-just-marry-the-person-you-marry-the-family#post-2664569 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 06:27:43 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2664569@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not very true for either of us IMO. There have been very few times when either of us have been tasked with obligations for the other's family. Since we don't live terribly close to anyone we don't interact enough to build a relationship and create a sense of duty. We both have been comfortable doing things solo with our own families. We probably could have done a better job endearing ourselves, but we married each other and that's it.</p> <p>I remember having to set expectations with my mom about DH. If you invite us over that doesn't mean you can give him a honey do list of house chores.</p> <p>ETA: we see my dad a lot probably 2-3 month, but the relationship DH has with him is really on DH's terms. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/you-dont-just-marry-the-person-you-marry-the-family#post-2664566 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 05:58:36 +0000 mrbee 2664566@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This has been true for both me and Bee! Although until recently, both of our families lived far away from us so it didn't feel like a big burden.</p> <p>Overall Bee's family is pretty chill, so it's been a blessing to be considered part of their family. I think my family has been more difficult for her to marry into, than the other way around! Now that we live really close to my mom, the saying feels more relevant than ever.</p> <p>"You don't just marry the person, you marry the family." How true has this been for you? </p>