https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 16 May 2026 11:37:56 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275876 Thu, 30 Aug 2012 09:55:59 +0000 Lozza 275876@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think grandparents get a little leeway with going crazy over grandkids, but I think yours are beyond that point, and it's more than fair for you to let them know that they need to rein it in.<br /> Can your DH help with this? I know that when I was newly postpartum and exhausted and overwhelmed, I sometimes had a hard time advocating for my needs in way that was calm and rational and could involve an actual discussion with my holding calmly and firmly to my points, and sometimes I think that made it easier for people to write things off as "oh, she's just being hormonal and overly emotional right now." DH was in a far better spot to lay down the law with both sets of parents. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275823 Thu, 30 Aug 2012 09:24:15 +0000 Mrs.M57 275823@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel your pain and agree that this behavior is irritating. I can say I only have the smothering on one side though. My mom has acted in similar ways. She even turned my old bedroom at her house into a nursery compete with a crib set and decor, plus more baby gear than we even have at our house and even diapers and a wardrobe of outfits. She kept pressuring me to let dd stay with her, and I totally wasn't ready. She even talked about keeping her overnight. She also told me my decision to be a sahm didn't make sense, and I know it's because she wants to watch dd. We finally did have a talk about boundaries. My mom got very offended by it, but she is now much more respectful of our space. It was a tough talk to have, but I know now it was a necessary one, and my mom got over being upset because she loves her granddaughter. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275786 Thu, 30 Aug 2012 08:55:32 +0000 DillonLion 275786@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just another person chiming in to say not to feel guilty about this! There are definitely a few of us that can relate, myself included. </p> <p>I was having some serious boundary issues with my parents about my pregnancy and we had a pretty big confrontation about it. I'm glad that we got it out in the open and clarified some things before the baby arrives...because I had a sneaking suspicion things were just going to keep escalating especially once the baby was born. Don't be afraid to set the boundaries that you and your DH feel comfortable with. </p> <p>Additionally, Facebook played a HUGE part in our fight. I am now no longer friends with my parents on Facebook and it is so much better this way. They can post whatever they feel like posting, and I don't have to see it show up in my feed and get annoyed. It might be a good idea for you to do the same. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275580 Thu, 30 Aug 2012 00:50:23 +0000 DigAPony 275580@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry you're dealing with this--I don't think you should feel guilty at all! I recommend coming up with some sort of very firm (but not rude) mantra that you'll repeat for each situation. Something like, "Mom, we've talked about this before. When I'm ready for you to watch LO, I'll let you know. I don't want to discuss this anymore." "Mom, we've talked about this before. I'm going to buy LO whichever books I like. I don't want to discuss this anymore." "Sorry FIL, tonight's just not a good night. Give us a call and maybe we can see you tomorrow." </p> <p>Become like a robot with these sayings. Stick to your guns! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275569 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 22:50:39 +0000 mrsjazz 275569@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrsdaredevil: My in-laws live in different states, but my mom is here. LO is the first grandchild and both grandmothers always refer to LO as "my baby." I let it slide even though it bothers me. But my mom is similar to yours. She always asks when she's going to get to keep her baby. I told her she can come visit anytime. No one is going to be keeping LO unless we need a babysitter. I work full-time so the weekends are my time with LO, I'm not ready for anyone to take her. Plus my mom wants to keep her overnight and I'm breastfeeding. So, no. She was so hurt when I finally told her no and not for a long time, she asked if it was something she did. I explained that the weekends are for us for now and she is welcome to come visit.</p> <p>We took LO to the museum and my mom said, "No, I wanted to be the first to take her to the museum." I'm kind of blunt sometimes and "Um, no" is one of my favorite expression, so that's what I said. We're her parents! Why would you be the first?!?! She wants to be the first to take her to the movies, to bake her a cake, and she always talks about doing LO's hair.</p> <p>All of that to say, I totally understand. I'm happy for my mom because she's wanted to be a grandmother for so long, but this is MY child :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275441 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 20:26:27 +0000 dc yoga bee 275441@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Boundaries. Set them now. Make them stronger. This is not cool. ((hugs)) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275379 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 19:36:08 +0000 JennyD 275379@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I read parts of that post out to my husband, and he thought I wrote it about my mom!!! I hear ya, sister! My mom is currently driving me and my sister insane. My baby is 7 months old now and my sister's baby is just 3 weeks old. </p> <p>Don't feel guilty. Your life needs to work for you, and they're not contributing to that right now. My therapist would totally advocate for locking the doors and simply not answering when your FIL drops by, unannounced. I know that's easy for someone else to say, but it would really send a BIG message. Also, I believe that's your husband's responsibility - to manage his parents. I hope he supports you in that. </p> <p>As for your mom, I know how hard it can be. My mom says stuff like "am I EVER going to get to see my baby?" That drives me NUTS. She has never gone more than 2 weeks without seeing her. I try to laugh it off when I can. I think my mom is dealing with some mental health issues, so I try my best to be understanding. But I also try not to encourage the crazy. I do my best to call her once a week and let her "talk to her baby".</p> <p>Because I'm sure you have SO much free time on your hands with a new baby, I can recommend a book - "Don't Shoot the Dog". It's by Karen Pryor. She was an animal trainer. I swear this is relevant. It's about behaviour modification and is totally relevant to crazy mothers. It would be best to try to discuss boundaries, but you mentioned you discussed the "drop by" with your in-laws, and they still drop by, so maybe it's time to send a stronger message.</p> <p>Best of luck! I feel your pain. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275377 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 19:35:38 +0000 Mrs. Oyster 275377@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My LO is also the 1st grandchild on each side. I knew my mom would be kind of nutty over him because she's very nutty over me. She was a single mom and has always been quite smothering, which has caused us problems throughout the years. When my LO was 12 days old, DH and I took him to my best friend's wedding which my mother was also invited to. My mom asked how long we were planning on staying (which really completely depended on how LO was doing) because she wanted to leave as soon as we left. She said the only reason she was really going was to see LO, which I told her I felt was slightly rude to the bride and groom. LO ended up behaving wonderfully and was able to nap, swaddled up, in his car seat for 2 hours during the reception. My mom kept taking his car seat and turning it towards her, so only she could see LO. She also kept threatening to either wake LO up, or just pick him up so she could hold him - even though we specifically asked her not to because we wanted him to sleep and not take any of the attention away from the wedding. She ended up leaving in a huff without saying goodbye to me and has continuously brought up the issue since.<br /> Needless to say, I kind of get where you're coming from and I hope you're able to continue to stand your ground and I hope your DH will help to support you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275367 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 19:28:28 +0000 brownie 275367@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have exact the same issues (none of my family is local), but I have some similar feelings. We went up to a family birthday party and everyone is fawning over our so . One even said "it would be nice if we could see son every day". I ende up saying "you know, we are a package deal". Meaning I and my husband come to. I feel nonexistent sometimes.</p> <p>I think you should let your mom know that you fully intend on letting her have time with the baby and even some special things. But you aren't ready yet. Then let her come watch the baby while you shower or do laundry. Then let her watch her for an hour once a week. Grow into lettin her have more time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275354 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 19:16:04 +0000 HLK208 275354@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I totally get it. You have every right to be frustrated! Especially your FIL coming over unannounced. My in-laws do that all the time and I feel so disrespected of my personal space...just call! I also hate when people get that close to me while holding LO. It makes me feel so claustrophobic and uncomfortable. I'd definitely have a "boundaries" talk with both sets of parents but in a kind way because close family can really become useful for babysitting and over all support. Hopefully, you're clearing the way for your siblings when they have children haha but that doesn't help you right now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275348 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 19:12:57 +0000 mrstilly 275348@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The pumping so she could feed her would make me so mad. I hope you said no. I hated that. I wanted to nurse. In fact it was my excuse to get DS back whenever I did feel obligated to pass him around. Big hugs to you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275335 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 19:00:10 +0000 BabyBoecksMom 275335@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrsdaredevil: You do need to be very stern and set boundaries. Once you do it and they realize how their actions are making you feel, they should come around. Whatever you decide to do, do it now otherwise the anger/resentment will only get worse. Best of luck! Sending lite of good, soothing vibes your way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275329 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 18:54:48 +0000 Mrs. Pen 275329@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>oh my goodness honey, I didn't realize it was this bad ((HUGS)).. I'm so sorry :(:( I don't have much advice for you... other than...</p> <p>...<br /> ...</p> <p>MOVE TO MINNESOOOOOOOOTA!!! Oh yeah ;) that will solve this problem!!</p> <p>jk... kinda... but not really. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275295 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 18:37:23 +0000 mrstilly 275295@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As someone with smothering in laws, I don't think you are over reacting at all. She is YOUR child, not theirs. If you aren't ready to leave her, DEFINITELY don't let yourself get pushed or guilted into it. These feelings are normal and I don't think you are over reacting at all. </p> <p>I was possessive of DS. He is my first and I just didn't want to put him down. It was so hard to even le others hold him, aside from DH of course. I have not worked hard enough to set boundaries with my inlaws and last week my MIL called herself mommy to my son. NOT COOL!</p> <p>I would sit them down and draw boundaries. You can recognize their love and support and let them know you appreciate their help, and that you will continue to need it as time goes on. But you cannot have nightly unannounced visits, pressure to leave DD before you are ready, and the right to have whatever books and rituals you want with your own DD. </p> <p>It is a fine line between help/love and smothering/overbearing. As someone with in laws who cross that line all the time, I urge you to set boundaries sooner rather than later. It will be easier now, though not easy persay, but the longer you wait the more you will stress and the harder it will be to change their behaviors. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275286 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 18:23:35 +0000 Rainbow Sprinkles 275286@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BabyBoecksMom: oh man, I hope she comes around soon! Every time she comes over she asks me to pump so she can bottle feed her instead of me just breastfeeding her. it's bad! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275282 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 18:21:11 +0000 BabyBoecksMom 275282@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrsdaredevil: Oh I could have written this post when DD was born. My Mom and MIL acted the same way and it drove me nuts. I felt like no one acknowledged that I even existed, much less that it was MY baby! It's taken until recently but my Mom is finally coming around... my MIL is still not listening to me. She takes DD out of my arms without asking All.The.Time. </p> <p>I feel your pain feel free to vent to me any time you want!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275277 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 18:17:45 +0000 plantains 275277@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrsdaredevil: I just read your edit about the books and that would drive me nuts! I would not be able to let that go. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275276 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 18:16:23 +0000 blackbird 275276@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it might be time to talk about boundaries...I could totally see my mom being like this. She has commented on how she will sleep with my baby, despite both of us saying that is not going to happen, among some other things. I think she feels like she can do certain things because she raised me and she's the grandma, and grandmas get leeway :P Your FIL coming over unannounced is NOT acceptable. When he rings the doorbell, you can tell him that you are not expecting company, you've nicely asked him to call before coming over, and it's a bad night, sorry, then shut the door. </p> <p>I could see how your mom wants some things to be a nana thing--like the books. It also seems like she's being a little possessive, which, on one hand, is nice because she wants to be involved, but on the other hand is a curse because she's violating your space. I do think, since she is so close, that it would be nice if you took her up on her offer to watch the baby. It IS her grandchild, too, and a few hours a week would probably mean the world to her, if she's anything like my mom. Maybe get a pedicure or something. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275275 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 18:15:16 +0000 mrbee 275275@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrsdaredevil: ok then, it sounds like a solvable problem then!</p> <p>You shouldn't feel guilty at all for sharing your problems on hellobee! That's why we made the site!! And you never know when someone else will have a similar experience to share! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275271 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 18:12:19 +0000 Rainbow Sprinkles 275271@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: never! I don't think she is necessarily narcisstic, but rather she views her role as a grandma differently than I view her role as grandma. Maybe we should have an "expectations" talk. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275270 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 18:11:50 +0000 MamaMoose 275270@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrsdaredevil: Dont feel guilty. When I read it I thought "man that really sucks for her". But since I'm kind of a wuss when it comes to disagreeing with my parents I didn't have any good advice to post : ( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275269 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 18:10:13 +0000 mrbee 275269@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrsdaredevil: I meant more like, has she displayed any narcissitic tendencies? Sorry to ask! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275267 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 18:08:07 +0000 Rainbow Sprinkles 275267@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think I may delete this thread now. I feel guilty for posting it. :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275262 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 18:05:58 +0000 Rainbow Sprinkles 275262@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@plantains: I realize that maybe I take living so close to family for granted. :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275258 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 18:01:51 +0000 Rainbow Sprinkles 275258@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: Do you mean does she have hobbies/a life outside of her children? If so, she does for sure! She has a very successful writing and editing business, travels a TON, has lots of friends who live close by, and is very involved in her church. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275254 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 17:56:59 +0000 Jumpingjacks 275254@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sounds very frustrating. My advice is to focus on the most significant (disrespectful) aspects of their behaviour and have a heart to heart with them about it. These seem to be 1) your mom insisting she take your LO twice a week before you are ready and 2) your in laws coming over unannounced. You need to communicate to them about this. Make you sure you say how much you appreciate their support, but be very firm about your needs right now, at this point in time. I would leave the other stuff alone (ie: sharing fb photos and calling your LO their baby). I don't think you can control this and would likely make them feel quite badly if you raise it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275251 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 17:55:11 +0000 mrbee 275251@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrsdaredevil: sorry to ask, but is she self-involved at all? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275249 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 17:54:12 +0000 Rainbow Sprinkles 275249@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: yes, very unusual! She never seemed clingy or anything growing up! But she has never been a grandma before, maybe this changed her? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275248 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 17:51:50 +0000 mrbee 275248@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrsdaredevil: What was your mom like growing up? Is this unusual behavior for her? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/your-parents-relationship-with-your-lo-warning-long#post-275235 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 17:41:56 +0000 luckypenny 275235@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For the first 6 weeks I never left DD alone. I practically had to be pushed out of the house but now I gladly go. However, what you're describing would drive me crazy too. My mom always asks how HER baby is. My DH finally told her to stop saying that because it's his baby lol and showing up unannounced is NEVER okay. Maybe give a little and she will let up. I have to remember that even though it is MY baby, it's my mom and MILs first grandchild and that's a very special moment for them too. </p>